With or Without You (32 page)

‘Have you heard from him at all?’ Lindsay interrupted Martha’s thoughts and pulling her back to the present.

Martha sighed. ‘No. We agreed that it would be best if we didn’t contact each other, for a while at least, to give me a chance to sort things out with Jamie.’

‘That’s probably for the best.’

‘I guess so,’ Martha agreed. ‘But I’ve been keeping up with Charlie’s movements through the papers and Twitter . . .’

‘So have I!’ Lindsay blurted, before having the good grace to look ashamed. ‘Sorry.’ She wrinkled her nose slightly. ‘It’s just that it’s so easy to be
a stalker these days!’

Martha laughed. ‘Tell me about it!’ She had become slightly obsessive about Googling Charlie and had started following him on Twitter without being logged as a follower, so that he
didn’t know she was keeping tabs on him. ‘He’s been in this country for a couple of weeks now. With Felix, his little boy.’ Learning that Charlie was in the UK had only
added to Martha’s disquiet. Now that he was no longer thousands of miles away, it made her feel closer to him. As if he was somehow within touching distance.

Lindsay nodded. ‘Yeah, and what about the ex-wife going into rehab? That was a bit of a shock, wasn’t it?’

Martha shrugged. ‘I wasn’t that shocked, actually. Not after seeing her in LA. I think she just went to pieces when Danny Nixon dumped her. Poor girl. I feel really sorry for her.
Despite what she did to Charlie, I liked her. She was a nice person.’

‘Well it hasn’t done her career any harm, that’s for sure,’ Lindsay cut in with a cynical smile.

‘No,’ Martha agreed. Liv’s stint in rehab had been well publicised and it seemed likely that when she came out, she would be in demand again. ‘But I got the impression
that Liv wasn’t very happy in LA and was only there because of Danny. I wouldn’t be surprised if she decided to come back here, now that there’s nothing worth staying
for.’

‘Charlie would be pleased about that, wouldn’t he?’

Martha nodded hesitantly. ‘Yes and no. Ironically, he’s just been signed up for two big new movies, so he’s going to be LA-based for a while.’

She thought back to Charlie confiding in her that he was thinking of applying for more formal access to Felix. Now that Liv had gone into rehab, it would surely strengthen his case. Maybe he
would even get custody. It made her feel even more sorry for Liv.

She shook her head, as if to clear all thoughts of Charlie from her brain. ‘I just need to focus on Jamie and the children,’ she said, as much to herself as to Lindsay as they walked
towards her car. The sun had set and the sea looked almost black under the inky sky.

Lindsay climbed into the passenger seat and did up her seatbelt. ‘Definitely. And Jamie’s doing everything he can to put things right, isn’t he?’

Martha nodded dully.

‘I mean, when I discovered Pete was having an affair, he treated me like crap,’ Lindsay sighed. ‘He made out it was all my fault and didn’t do anything to try to convince
me that it wouldn’t happen again. At least Jamie is doing everything he can to show you how much he loves you. And you’re good together, Martha,’ she added. ‘Your marriage
is strong and it’s worth fighting for.’

Martha smiled gratefully. ‘I know, I know. I love Jamie, I really do. But sometimes I hate him too, do you understand what I mean?’

Lindsay rolled her large blue eyes dramatically. ‘’Course I bloody do! What he did was awful. But I don’t think it’ll ever happen again.’

‘No,’ Martha agreed. ‘Neither do I.’

Lindsay reached over and took her hand. ‘So you
do
feel like you can trust him, then?’ she said, looking at her closely. ‘Because that’s huge, Martha. I knew I
couldn’t trust Pete again after what he did, and a relationship without trust isn’t worth having. But if you’re already saying that you trust Jamie again, so soon after . . .
well, after
it
, then I think you’re going to make it.’

Martha nodded slowly and started the engine, her heart feeling a little lighter suddenly. Maybe Lindsay was right. Maybe everything was going to be alright. Maybe in time, all thoughts of
Charlie would fade, along with the memories of Jamie’s awful betrayal, and she and Jamie would return to normal. Maybe they would grow old together after all, just as she had always thought
they would. She smiled to herself and pulled away, suddenly desperate to get home.

Jamie scanned the history on Martha’s computer. As usual, she had started the day by Googling Charlie Simmons and reading all of the resulting articles, as well as his
Twitter feed. Then she had logged in several more times throughout the day to repeat the exercise. He felt the familiar weight of jealousy in the pit of his stomach and tried to ignore it, while at
the same time cursing his bad luck that his love rival was so famous that the press seemed to track his every move.

Jamie knew that he had no right to check up on Martha or be possessive of her after all he’d done, but he couldn’t help it. He was terrified that she might try to get back at him by
having a revenge affair, or worse, that she might be so disillusioned by his infidelity that she fell out of love with him.

And Charlie Simmons was tough competition. The toughest. He was rich, famous and very handsome. Jamie knew Martha well enough to know that none of those things on their own would be enough to
attract her, but he also realised that Charlie now had another trump card. He wasn’t a cheat.

He sighed heavily and closed Martha’s laptop. She was so hopeless with technology that it wouldn’t even occur to her to cover her tracks by deleting the history on her computer. Not
that she would do it, even if she knew how. Martha was an open book. She wasn’t a cheat either, meaning her and Charlie were probably very well suited.

Jamie got up feeling irritable and unsettled and went out onto the landing. He went to Tom’s door and peered in at him. Already he had turned himself upside down in the bed and his feet
were sprawled across his pillow as he slept. Jamie walked over to the end of the bed and bent down to kiss Tom’s cheek. The little boy stirred slightly as Jamie pushed his hair back from his
forehead and rubbed his thumb over it.

Next, he headed for Mimi’s room. Mimi was also fast asleep, a book propped open on her chest. Jamie smiled and gently removed the book, before bending down to kiss her cheek. As he did so,
her eyes blinked open in shock. ‘Dad?’ she croaked in a sleep-drenched voice.

‘Go back to sleep, baby,’ he whispered, thinking how much like a fairytale princess she looked, with her perfect hair spread out on the pillow. Instantly, her eyes drooped shut once
more and she was asleep before he left the room. Jamie paused at the top of the stairs, wondering how to shake off the heavy feeling of gloom that seemed to stalk him at the moment.

Downstairs, the house was in darkness. Martha had gone for a walk with Lindsay earlier and Jamie had spent the evening upstairs in the office, working on his book and checking up on
Martha’s search history.

He shivered slightly as he switched on the lights in the kitchen and sitting room, before making himself a cup of black coffee. He sat at the table to drink it, deep in thought. Things were
gradually getting better between him and Martha. The counselling seemed to be helping and they had started sleeping together again, which was a monumental leap for both of them. They were able to
have conversations about things other than his affair and they had managed to keep all the turmoil and upheaval in their relationship completely hidden from the children.

And yet, every time he started to feel hopeful that their relationship was gradually repairing itself, she would give him a look that told him in no uncertain terms that something was missing.
It was a mixture of pain and contempt, both of which killed him. He could cope with anger and disgust, but seeing her so broken was something he couldn’t deal with. For the millionth time, he
cursed his utter stupidity. He wished desperately that he could do something physical to show her how sorry he was, like rip off his own arm. Pleading with her and repeatedly telling her just
seemed so futile and ineffectual.

He was doing absolutely everything he could think of to make it up to her and his greatest desire was to make her proud of him again. Over the past couple of months, he had got a job and had
finally knuckled down to finish his book, yet he somehow knew that it wasn’t enough. He had a horrible feeling that he was living on borrowed time.

He was sure that she wouldn’t leave him now, while the children were still young, but he wasn’t so sure about what the future held and wondered if she was just biding her time until
she felt the children could cope with them splitting up. The prospect of losing her made him feel hollowed out with grief.

He took a sip of his coffee, enjoying the bitter kick it gave him. Anything to feel less weak. Less helpless.

From where he was sitting, he could see right through to the front door, and as he watched, it opened and Martha came through. She breezed into the kitchen, bringing with her a gust of fresh
air.

‘You smell like the sea,’ he murmured.

She came over to the table and sat down opposite him. They locked eyes for a few seconds. ‘Why so sad?’ she said, her big, dark eyes almost black as the pupils dilated.

Jamie tried to smile but instead he felt his own eyes fill with tears. ‘Because I love you. But I’m not sure you love me any more. And I don’t blame you.’

Martha reached across the table and took his hands in hers. ‘I do still love you,’ she said, before hesitating. ‘But it’s hard, Jamie. It’s just really hard.’
As she spoke, she looked up at him and he felt as if he could melt into those lovely eyes that he knew so well.

‘I know.’ He shook his head. ‘Believe me, I know what you mean. You’ve been so incredible. I just want to make you proud of me again. I want you to look at me the way you
used to . . . instead of the way you look at me now.’

Martha blinked twice quickly. ‘How do I look at you now?’

Jamie half-smiled. ‘You look at me now like you hate me.’

Martha smiled back. ‘Well, a lot of the time I do hate you,’ she said bluntly, the gentleness of her voice softening her words. ‘But not
all
the time. And it’s
getting better every day.’

‘Yes, but I worry that you’re going to wake up one morning and think, “I don’t need to feel this bad,” and go.’

Martha pressed her lips together. ‘There’s just as much chance of you waking up one morning and feeling the same thing.’

‘Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong.’ Jamie could feel a veil of sadness wrapping itself around his shoulders. ‘I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that
I made a terrible mistake but that I love you and I will never, ever let you down again.’

Martha nodded slowly. ‘Well I’ve got no intention of leaving either, so it looks like we’re in it for the long haul, doesn’t it?’

‘I hate the thought that you view it like that. Like a long haul.’

‘I’m afraid it’s the best I can do right now,’ she said, giving his hands a gentle squeeze. ‘And given the circumstances, I don’t think it’s so
bad.’

Jamie tried to shake himself out of his malaise. If Martha could be so positive, then it was the least he could do to try and be positive too. ‘No,’ he agreed. ‘I guess
we’re doing OK, aren’t we?’

Martha nodded. ‘We are. There’ll be good days and bad days, but hopefully when we look back at this period we’ll think of it as a blip. And Jamie, this was the perfect
opportunity for me to leave. No-one would have blamed me if I’d told them the real reason, so the fact that I’m still here has got to be a good sign, hasn’t it?’

Jamie exhaled. ‘I can’t believe how amazing you’re being. How amazing you’ve been.’

Martha pondered his words for a moment. ‘Yes, I am pretty fantastic, aren’t I?’ she said with a grin.

Jamie smiled too. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, unsure whether to risk upsetting her upbeat mood.

‘What?’ she asked. ‘What is it?’

Jamie decided to take the risk. ‘It’s just that there is still an elephant in the room, isn’t there?’

‘Er, yes!’ Martha cried. ‘The elephant being that you had an affair, you mean?’

‘No, that’s not what I’m talking about.’

Martha frowned, then grimaced as the light dawned. ‘Ah . . . Charlie, I presume?’

‘You presume right.’

Martha tutted irritably. ‘Well, what about him? I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since LA . . .’

‘Maybe not. But you’ve certainly been keeping up to date with his movements, haven’t you?’

‘And how would you know that, I wonder?’

Jamie sighed, regretting that he had brought the subject up. He could almost see the hostile vibes now swimming in the air around Martha.

‘Wow. Ironic, isn’t it, that you’re the one checking up on me?’

‘I know,’ Jamie muttered, looking down. ‘But still, it doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been following his every move.’

There was silence for a while before Martha finally spoke. ‘He was very kind to me, Jamie, when I desperately needed that. And if I’m really honest, I do miss him.’

Jamie felt himself bristling. Charlie had really worked a number on Martha when she was at her most vulnerable. And yet, though he felt jealous, he knew in his heart that it was all his fault.
Martha would never have opened herself up to Charlie if she hadn’t discovered what Jamie had done.

‘And it feels like things are still unresolved where he’s concerned . . .’

Jamie looked up, feeling a little jolt of alarm.

‘Doing his memoirs was such a great opportunity for me,’ Martha continued, with a nervous bite of her lower lip. ‘And his agent called me yesterday, saying they hadn’t
been able to find anyone else at such short notice. She asked if I would still like to do it . . . and the fact is, I would.’

Jamie swallowed hard. It would mean her having regular contact with Charlie again. Yet what right had he to stop her?

‘I know that it would be very hard on you,’ Martha interrupted his thoughts, ‘so if you really don’t want me to, I won’t.’ She gazed up at him with a pleading
look in her eyes.