Works of Ivan Turgenev (Illustrated) (386 page)
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Authors: IVAN TURGENEV
My Yákoff flushed up and merely repeated that it was not proper to trouble her, but immediately assented to all the rest. — We went to the cathedral on the following day; my Yákoff made his confession, and prayed so fervently before it! And then he went forward to take the communion. I was standing a little to one side, and did not feel the earth under me for joy…. It is no sweeter for the angels in heaven! But as I look — what is the meaning of that? — My Yákoff has received the communion, but does not go to sip the warm water and wine! He is standing with his back to me…. I go to him.
“Yákoff,” I say, “why art thou standing here?”
He suddenly wheels round. Will you believe it, I sprang back, so frightened was I! — His face had been dreadful before, but now it had become ferocious, frightful! He was as pale as death, his hair stood on end, his eyes squinted…. I even lost my voice with terror. I tried to speak and could not; I was perfectly benumbed…. And he fairly rushed out of the church! I ran after him … but he fled straight to the tavern where we had put up, flung his wallet over his shoulder, and away he flew!
“Whither?” I shouted to him. “Yákoff, what aileth thee? Stop, wait!”
But Yákoff never uttered a word in reply to me, but ran like a hare, and it was utterly impossible to overtake him! He disappeared from sight. I immediately turned back, hired a cart, and trembled all over, and all I could say was: “O Lord!” and, “O Lord!” And I understood nothing: some calamity had descended upon us! I set out for home, for I thought, “He has certainly fled thither.” — And so he had. Six versts out of the town I espied him; he was striding along the highway. I overtook him, jumped out of the cart, and rushed to him.
“Yásha! Yásha!” — He halted, turned his face toward me, but kept his eyes fixed on the ground and compressed his lips. And say what I would to him, he stood there just like a statue, and one could just see that he was breathing. And at last he trudged on again along the highway. — What was there to do? I followed him….
Akh, what a journey that was, my dear sir! Great as had been our joy on the way to Vorónezh, just so great was the horror of the return! I would try to speak to him, and he would begin to gnash his teeth at me over his shoulder, precisely like a tiger or a hyena! Why I did not go mad I do not understand to this day! And at last, one night, in a peasant’s chicken - house, he was sitting on the platform over the oven and dangling his feet and gazing about on all sides, when I fell on my knees before him and began to weep, and besought him with bitter entreaty:
“Do not slay thy old father outright,” I said; “do not let him fall into despair — tell me what has happened to thee?”
He glanced at me as though he did not see who was before him, and suddenly began to speak, but in such a voice that it rings in my ears even now.
“Listen, daddy,” said he. “Dost thou wish to know the whole truth? When I had taken the communion, thou wilt remember, and still held the particle in my mouth, suddenly
he
(and that was in the church, in the broad daylight!) stood in front of me, just as though he had sprung out of the ground, and whispered to me … (but he had never spoken to me before) — whispered: ‘Spit it out, and grind it to powder!’ I did so; I spat it out, and ground it under foot. And now it must be that I am lost forever, for every sin shall be forgiven, save the sin against the Holy Spirit….”
And having uttered these dreadful words, my son threw himself back on the platform and I dropped down on the floor of the hut…. My legs failed me….
Father Alexyéi paused for a moment, and covered his eyes with his hand.
But why should I weary you longer [he went on], and myself? My son and I dragged ourselves home, and there he soon afterward expired, and I lost my Yásha. For several days before his death he neither ate nor drank, but kept running back and forth in the room and repeating that there could be no forgiveness for his sin…. But he never saw
him
again. “He has ruined my soul,” he said; “and why should he come any more now?” And when Yákoff took to his bed, he immediately sank into unconsciousness, and thus, without repentance, like a senseless worm, he went from this life to life eternal….
But I will not believe that the Lord judged harshly….
And among other reasons why I do not believe it is, that he looked so well in his coffin; he seemed to have grown young again and resembled the Yákoff of days gone by. His face was so tranquil and pure, his hair curled in little rings, and there was a smile on his lips. Márfa Sávishna came to look at him, and said the same thing. She encircled him all round with flowers, and laid flowers on his heart, and set up the gravestone at her own expense.
And I was left alone…. And that is why, my dear sir, you have beheld such great grief on my face…. It will never pass off — - and it cannot.
I wanted to speak a word of comfort to Father Alexyéi … but could think of none. We parted soon after.
