Worth It (11 page)

He’s mad. I knew he’d be mad, but I had no other choice.

“I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad,” I whisper, staring at my dirty softball cleats.

The warmth of his big body near mine contradicts his mood, and my heart is racing as tears well up in my eyes. Using his thumb and forefinger, he pinches my chin tightly, really tightly. He yanks it upward, causing a tweak in my neck. The abrupt movement makes my brain feel like it has been rattled inside my skull, and the effect makes me nauseous.

“I told you I didn’t like him, and you let him drive you home from practice,” he growls in my face.

“But I had no other—”

He shoves me backward, and I hit his dresser so hard that his coin jar rattles before crashing next to where I lay sprawled on the floor.

I didn’t mean to make him so angry. I had hoped he would understand. I should have known better.

“Todd, please, it’s not like that with Jared. I swear, he’s just a friend. His mom was picking him up from baseball practice, and she offered me a ride, so I wouldn’t have to walk four miles home. His mom was driving, and he didn’t even sit next to me. He was in the passenger seat, and I was in the back, and…” I trail off when he stalks toward me. My eyes widen, and tears fall as I begin to panic. I try to scramble away, but I have nowhere else to go when my back meets his dresser.

He reaches down and grabs me by the collar of my shirt. He hauls me to my feet, his face inches from mine. His other hand grasps my chin hard enough to hurt me, and I keep my head immobile.

“Did his mom watch while he fucked you in the backseat?” he grits through his teeth.

I want to tell to him that he’s acting crazy, but I wouldn’t dare do that. We’ve been together almost seven months. The more attached I get to him, the more I try to make him happy, and the more I seem to fail. He gets angrier more often, and the reasons seem smaller and smaller. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t do anything right.

He grips my chin even tighter and says through clenched teeth, “Answer me, you little slut.”

Tears are rolling down my face. “Of course not. I’m yours. I wouldn’t do that to you ever,” I say as best as I can with my jaw anchored in place.

A tic in his jaw jumps. “Don’t lie to me, you little whore.”

“I’m not lying. I didn’t do anything with Jared, I swear,” I say quickly. “Please don’t be mad at me. I love you.”

His eyes soften slightly, and I can see the boy I love coming back to me.

“You swear?”

“Yes,” I whisper, relieved.

He pulls me into a hug, and my body sags with relief.

“Good. I’ll fucking kill you with my bare fucking hands if you ever let someone else touch you.”

My stomach bottoms out because I know his threat is real.

I launch into a sitting position and frantically search the dark room for
him
. It takes me a second to realize that he’s not here. It was only another nightmare.

Just a nightmare. He’s not here. He’s gone.
I run a shaking hand over my damp face and neck, trying to wipe away the memory that has been seared into my brain. My heart is beating like a hummingbird’s wings, and as it slows, so does the adrenaline, but the torment washes over me like a wave ready to drag me under.

Planting my face in my hands, I sob quietly. Stress or certain actions trigger these nightmares, these memories that refuse to be left in their deep, dark hole. They’re branded on me, within me, and they want out. As much as I push them into submission, into the recesses of my mind where they belong, they always find a way to claw their way out and shatter me all over again. The stress of Sam’s call and Jed’s attempt to grab my chin at the pizza shop are probably why I had the nightmare tonight. The burden of pain I carry feels impossible to shoulder sometimes, and tonight is one of those times.

I want to growl in frustration. I
hate
this, this bullshit of swimming around in the sludge of my past. I just want to forget it ever happened, so I can move on. I can’t change it. I can’t understand it. I can’t do anything about it. So, why the hell should I bother to wallow in this shit?
Get your act together, Anna!

I breathe deeply to calm myself, like I have so many times before. My palms begin to sweat, and my fingers twitch with the urge to reach into my nightstand to grab the box cutter, but I suppress it, just like the memories, just like the feelings. I won’t go back down that road. I won’t. I can’t.
This
is why I needed to push Jed away.

My dick is hard.

I’m trying to get some damn shut-eye, but my cock is throbbing because I can’t get that kiss out of my head. Her soft lips, her hands tugging my hair, the little sounds of pleasure…
Christ.
Even though I
know
the thought is illogical, a part of me is kicking myself for pulling away from her. There’s no way it would have happened, but I can’t stop myself from wondering if I could have had her in the cab of my truck, had her riding me with those tits in my face.
Fuck
. Those are the thoughts that have me so hard that I could hammer nails.

My hand travels from behind my head to underneath the sheet. I imagine Anna’s hand as it moves down my body, and when she gets to my boxers, she reaches in and grasps my cock. I envision her beautiful blue eyes glancing up at me through her long lashes as she runs her tongue along my dick while her hand is gripping me tightly. The smoldering look she gives me makes me speed up my hand, and I flip her around, so I can taste her while she fucks me with her mouth. My hips buck as I imagine her in my mouth as my finger slides into her pussy, her slickness coating my lips and hand as I work her. Her pussy tightens around my finger, and I add another as I suck her little nub, flicking it steadily with my tongue. She moans, vibrating against my cock, as her head bobs up and down, and her hand grips me hard. Her legs begin to tense as I suck on her swollen clit, and I curl my finger to stimulate that spot inside her. Her tongue swirls around my tip, and her pace increases, urging me to come with her. I groan when my head swells as my balls tighten, and I blow my load onto my stomach. Breathing out a sigh of relief, I grab some tissues from my bedside table to clean myself off. I almost feel guilty about stroking my cock to thoughts of Anna—almost.

Despite the fact that I just jerked off while I pictured her sweet lips wrapped around my cock, I really do like her. The few hours we spent together gave me a good insight into her. She’s cute and funny, and she doesn’t take herself too seriously. There’s something else I can’t quite put my finger on, but it makes me feel protective of her. The protectiveness is throwing me off—not to mention the persistence. I’m not an alpha male. I’m more of a lone wolf. I’m all about monogamy, but the girl I’m with can do whatever the fuck she wants, and I’ll do what I want. You want to go out with your girls? Have at it. Don’t want to go on a date? No skin off my back. I’ll find the next chick. For some reason though, I’m not that way with Anna. I try to brush off those thoughts because I’m starting to sound like I need a tampon.

Blowing out a breath, I think about my next move. I know she wants me, but she’s fighting it, and it’s irritating.
Is this still the cat-and-mouse thing
? This is why I don’t play games—they’re frustrating and pointless. Whether it’s from getting to know her a little tonight, the kiss, or maybe even the challenge, I find determination settling in. I’m not talking about marriage and shit like that. I just met the girl, for Christ’s sake. But I am determined that we need to at least give this thing a shot, and that starts with getting her fucking number—and soon.

Crap.

It’s been a week since I’ve seen Jed. On the outside, it’s the same shit but different day—sleep, school, work, lather, rinse, repeat. But on the inside, I’m twitchy. That’s the only word I can think of to describe the tug-of-war happening in my mind. Now that I have my emotions back in check, I want to hang my head in shame for acting like a crazy person and pushing away such a hot guy. He’s a hot guy who opened doors for me, talked to me, and made me feel comfortable. Not to mention, he sent my body into a crazy frenzy of rapid heartbeats and heavy breaths. And he wanted
me.

I’m such an idiot.

A part of me still thinks that maybe it’s for the best. I just officially ended things with Sam.
Would I be able to keep myself together with Jed?
The way he looked at me made me feel like he could see right into me, and that terrifies me. I can’t let anyone see the blackness rotting deep inside me.

That’s the reason I’m twitchy. I can’t stop the back-and-forth. I’m trying not to dwell on a guy I met once for only a few hours, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop myself from jumping every time the door chimes. Even though I know I shouldn’t want him to come in and kiss me again like his life depends on it, I do. But as the week has passed, reality has been sinking in. I blew it. I pulled a crazy, and he ran the other way.
It’s probably better for my sanity anyway.

As I head out to my car after another busy Friday, I call Shannon to let her know that I’m on my way. I’m blessed to have my close-knit group of friends in my life. I love Shannon like a sister. I’d move heaven and earth for her, and I know she’d do the same for me. She’s my rock, and she has no idea how much I’ve used her friendship as a crutch and a distraction throughout the years. She doesn’t know just how fucked-up I am nor does she know the reasons behind it. No one does. I can’t reveal that shit to anyone. I don’t want looks of pity or disgust, and I certainly don’t want to relive it if I were to talk to someone about my past. She knows about my biological father. He’s my go-to excuse whenever someone cares enough to ask, which is rare. While Rick’s continued absence still hurts, it’s not even close to the entirety of my baggage.

She picks up on the third ring. “Yo, bitch. What up?”

I laugh, her greeting scattering my gloomy thoughts. “Sup, homey? On my way ova, yo. You best not be steppin’ on my grill,” I babble, still smiling.

“What the hell does that even mean?” she asks, giggling.

“I have no idea. It sounded good in my head though, maybe not so much in real life,” I say, giggling, as I reach my car and get in. I swear we turn into…well, giggling schoolgirls with each other.

“Yeah, definitely not.”

I can tell she’s smiling as big as I am.

“So, you on your way up?”

“I am, chica. I’ll see you in twenty or so.”

“All right, see you in a few. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” I press the End button, chuck my phone into my purse, and start the green beast.

I crank the heat up on full blast. I freaking hate the cold with a vengeance, so living in New England sucks big, giant donkey balls. Once the car warms, I begin the twenty-minute drive to my best friend’s home.