Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (11 page)

If you can do that—make their bad ideas into actually
good ideas
—all of Hollywood will be yours. Remember, no matter what you do, either way
you are probably going to get fired
. Increase the odds of being rehired as much as you can.

Important script notes from one of the world’s most powerful producers:

Translation

goal

Har dos Shady

effed guol

birthday

(We think???)

It was three years ago … three years ago THIS VERY DAY! Two young screenwriters headed off for a notes meeting on their script for
The Incredible Shrinking Man.
(Note: As of this publishing, the authors of this book have been working on this unproduced script for seven years.)

The screenwriters were excited, as this meeting was with the HEAD OF THE STUDIO! This was the guy who could wave a magic wand and greenlight the film! The meeting began like all meetings: with small talk and gossip—as you’ll learn, the first seven to twelve minutes of all Hollywood meetings start with gossip and hefty servings of
Schadenfreude,
where we all laugh and thank the universe that we had NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT ANIMATED MOVIE
Delgo.
*

(Note: Never, ever joke about the disastrous failures made by people IN THE ROOM. It can happen by accident, so best to IMDB the people you’re meeting with in advance and don’t accidentally tell Martin Brest what you thought of
Gigli.
And if you’re not sure, SHUT UP.)

The screenwriters pulled out their notepads. The studio head came on strong, with LOTS of ideas to improve the script. He talked a
Blue Streak
^†
about what he thought about the film … how it really was a
film noir.
He talked, and talked. For almost thirty minutes.

Then, when the screenwriters least suspected it, he suggested:

“The main character should have to interact with animals!”

SFX: RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCH
.

This was a note that really confused the two screenwriters, as a great deal of Act II of the script, and ALL of Act III of the script they had written involved the diminutive titular character INTERACTING WITH A RABBIT, A PANTHER, AND A RAVEN. All three of which, last time we checked, were animals. The studio head had either:

A. JUST HAD A STROKE THAT WIPED OUT THE PART OF HIS BRAIN THAT REMEMBERED WHAT HAPPENED IN THE SCRIPT HE WAS GIVING NOTES ON.

or

B. NOT READ THE SCRIPT.

Yes, it’s true. The answer is B. The studio president gave notes on a SCRIPT HE HAD NOT READ. (
Quel dommage!*
)

Once he mentioned the “interact with animals” thing, the screenwriters noticed that every note he had given up until that point was VAGUE. Just sort of general “here’s what would make a good
Shrinking Man
remake”–type stuff. Wow, was it possible? Had he been able to fill thirty minutes with generalizations so that no one noticed that he hadn’t read the script he was giving notes on?
Thirty solid minutes
. That is a real skill. Man, when this guy was in grade school, his book reports must have KICKED ASS. Even on
The Sound and the Fury,
which is REALLY BORING, and he probably just skimmed. To be able to talk for thirty minutes about something you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT—
master that skill, and the world is yours! (And probably a pretty nice hybrid Lexus too!)

They say that to this day you can still hear that studio head, roaming the halls at night, dress shoes clicking as he goes … giving notes to nobody … without even having read the coverage! MOO-HA HA HA HA!

FREE MOVIE IDEA!

Yours Free with the Purchase of This Book

“TURBULENCE”

Approximate Budget: $100 million (see cast)

Box-Office Gross: $210 million worldwide (see cast)

Home Video/DVD Gross: $50+ million

Awards Potential: Best Song nomination for Randy Newman’s original song:

“Nothing to Declare (Except my Love for You)”

ADAM SANDLER
OR KEVIN JAMES
stars as BENNY, a downtrodden baggage handler at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Benny’s life has been a series of missed opportunities due to his major lack of self-confidence. He’s a lonely guy. As a hobby he collects LUGGAGE TAGS from places he’s never been, exotic airports around the world as he unloads other people’s bags. “Oooh, look! Mount Pleasant Airport, Sandwich Islands. You don’t see that one very much!” is the kind of sad dialogue that Benny will say to his cool, jaded coworker RON (Jason Schwartzman). Ron will constantly remind Benny that his life is a series of missed opportunities because of his lack of self-confidence. Benny’s popular brother GLENN (Will Ferrell cameo) is the star RELIEF PITCHER for the Chicago Cubs. The brothers can’t stand each other (Benny wanted to be a pitcher too, but it didn’t work out).

But … Benny is a HUGE Cubs fan, so this leads to a funny scene in Act I where Benny and Ron have to alternately ROOT FOR, THEN HECKLE Glenn while he’s on the mound. Benny, torn, will scream out,
“We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher, please God throw some heat!”
This will get a laugh at the test screening of this film.

Benny’s life will be turned UPSIDE DOWN when he and Ron stumble upon a $60 million van Gogh painting in some luggage that’s been lost. After much (funny) debate about what to do, Benny sets off to return the suitcase to its rightful owner, PENELOPE, a
surprisingly hot art historian,
played by CAMERON DIAZ.

Turns out the painting is STOLEN from the Japanese Yakuza, who stole it from the Art Institute of Chicago. Penelope was trying to RETURN it, when her suitcase got lost, blah blah blah. Mistaken identity,
blah blah blah. They get chased by the Yakuza, the FBI, hide out “on the lam”—disguising themselves (yes, fun outfit and hair color changes for her) and sharing a bed in a TERRIBLE MOTEL, which leads to some PG-13 sparks between them when we find out she sleeps in the nude: “Me too,” says Benny as he DROPS HIS TOWEL TO THE FLOOR, REVEALING A SLIGHTLY SMALLER TOWEL UNDERNEATH. (Trailer moment.)

All the while, BENNY IS COMING OUT OF HIS SHELL, TURNING FROM LOWLY BAGGAGE HANDLER INTO COOL/ SPY–TYPE GUY. They get caught by the Yakuza (funny scene where they’re both tied up and getting threatened by the Yakuza guys through their interpreter, played by MASI OKA). Our guys escape and plot a complicated REVERSE HEIST to get the painting back into the Art Institute of Chicago that at one point incorporates Benny throwing a baseball in a PERFECT SLIDER, 66 FEET, TO DISARM AN ALARM INSIDE THE MUSEUM. Benny’s sports/living-in-the-shadows thing is vindicated. He and Penelope return the painting, and all is well. They kiss and are about to say good-bye on the steps of the museum at dawn, when Penelope tells Benny that she really is …

… a BOUNTY HUNTER. Only not for people,
for art
. That’s what she does. Top secret stuff, find and return art: lots of danger, big bucks, and lots of travel to exotic locales. And Benny has proven himself a perfect partner.

They head off into the sunrise as she briefs him on their next mission, which involves a reclusive billionaire who lives in the Sandwich Islands … yes, he’s finally gonna get to see Mount Pleasant Airport!!! And: CUE THE RANDY NEWMAN SONG!!!

Meet the person who’s going to make and/or ruin your movie!

“Director,” as any union member of a film crew will tell you (while sucking down some craft-service cantaloupe), “is the only entry-level position left in the movie business.” Meaning: to get any other job on a crew, you have put in a ton of union hours. You can’t START as the property master or sound mixer. Or even as the assistant director. You have to work your way up. The only job you can get on a movie set with no experience whatsoever is: director. Everything else requires union training.

So is it like joining the army and being made a four-star general on the same day? Yes, it is. And it happens all the time. Sometimes the director on the film is the LEAST experienced person on the set. It’s not uncommon for a young COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR, MUSIC VIDEO DIRECTOR, or HILARIOUS INTERNET SHORT FILM DIRECTOR to get called up to “the show” and get to direct a feature film with no training or preparation. In this scenario, a person is going from the MOST FUN JOB IN THE WORLD to the HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD, with no transition. In scuba diving, this event is called “the bends,” and it can kill your brain. Just like directing movies can.

NOTE: AT THIS POINT, IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT BECOMING A FILM DIRECTOR, PUT THIS STUPID BOOK DOWN AND GO DIRECT A MOVIE, FOR CHRISSAKE. OR A SHORT FOR FUNNYORDIE.COM. STOP READING THIS NONSENSE AND GO DO IT. GOOD DIRECTORS MAKE A
TON OF MONEY. SO MUCH MONEY THAT IT MAKES EVEN THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SCREENWRITER IN HOLLYWOOD LOOK LIKE SOME HORRIBLE … POOR PERSON. Icky little screenwriters, driving around in their Lexi and Mercedeses—poor things.

(Note to editor: Is Lexi the plural of Lexus? Please let us know for the subsequent printings of this book and subsequent Lexus purchases.)

The (screenwriter) authors of this book
*
once parked one of their shitty cars next to (director) Michael Bay’s GLASS-BACK FERRARI. Yes, the back cover is made of glass, so that you can look in and see the exquisite hand-crafting of the engine—which is in the back, for some reason. If you put glass over the engine in some screenwriter’s car, all you’d see is an old pair of tighty-whitey underwear that’s being used to hold the radiator cap in place.

Good directors are getting 10 million dollars a picture.

Plus profit participation.

The old joke where people say: “… but what I really want to do is direct,” is said so often BECAUSE IT’S 100 PERCENT TRUE.

EVERYBODY REALLY DOES WANT TO DIRECT
.