Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (27 page)

EXT. DANGLE’S SHELTER — SUNRISE

Dangle wakes up with a start. Beside him, under the airline blanket — is TRUDY WIEGEL. He screams. She wakes up and screams — they scream until … Dangle realizes that someone else in camp is screaming. Oh, no.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. DONNER MOTEL — 1989

The deputies listen in the motel: Trudy Wiegel’s SCREAMS are coming from the air-conditioning duct. From the sound of her
terror, Dr. White is doing something
horrible
to her. The deputies hear Dr. White’s terrifying voice echoing through the ducts too. (As well as Dr. White and Wiegel arguing — it sounds like she’s getting on his nerves.) The deputies can’t tell where the screams are coming from.

Dangle has an idea: he and Jones will strip down naked, oil up, and crawl through the ducts to follow the screams. Jones doesn’t understand why they have to get
naked?
Seems like they could fit in the ducts just fine with their clothes on. Dangle checks … well, yes, they do fit, but just barely. Jones checks: no, not just
barely
, they fit fine. Okay, fine — me and Jones will crawl through the ducts
fully dressed
and find Wiegel — the rest of you, stick together and watch your backs. More SCREAMS flash us forward …

BACK TO:

EXT. MAKESHIFT CAMP — THE PRESENT

Kimball runs out to tell the groggy-eyed survivors: she sneaked into Clemmy’s shelter this morning, and —
Clemmy’s missing
. Dr. White has taken her into the jungle. Wait a minute — “Why were you sneaking into her tent, Kimball? And why do you have so much makeup on?”

EXT. MAKESHIFT CAMP — MOMENTS LATER

Dangle has assembled all of the white male passengers for a Hercule Poirot–style interrogation. He quizzes them all, to see who might be Dr. White — it could be any of them. One GUY’S alibi is that he’s flying to Bangkok to open the largest Hyundai dealership in Thailand. Somewhere at sea, he claims, is a 100-foot inflatable gorilla
that says “King Kong sized deals” that’d back him up. Dangle tries to trip them up, but he only manages to confuse himself and the other deputies.

EXT. JUNGLE’S EDGE — LATER

On Dangle’s orders, the remaining deputies arm themselves and gear up to hunt Dr. White. They’ll work in teams and meet up back here before nightfall.

After much debate about partnering, Dangle and Wiegel search together, as do Junior and Williams, and Kimball goes out on her own.

EXT. RAFT, OUT AT SEA — DAY

Jones and Garcia, crazed by sun and thirst, are at each other’s throats: arguing about sailing technique, weather signs, you name it. They’ve been at sea — almost seven hours. Then they realize they’re being watched. They look up — they are
in a harbor
, surrounded by boats. Tons of Thai FISHERMEN are staring down at them.

INT. CAVE — DAY

Clemmy has been chained to the wall. She’s terrified. She screams for help — when a voice chimes out right beside her: “Hey, hot stuff!” It turns out she’s not alone. She’s chained up next to a crazed castaway who’s been chained up there for years:
“ISLAND MIKE
” … left there to die by his ship’s crew, who mutinied. He’s gone completely insane, living off moss and “cave drippins.” There’s also a SKELETON chained up next to them, whom Mike refers to as Jimmy: “He’s the brains of the outfit.” He doesn’t seem too pleased to be sharing his cave … but
he’s glad it’s a lovely lady. Clemmy hopes Dr. White puts her out of her misery soon.

EXT. BEACH — DAY

Williams stares off to sea, looking for Jones and Garcia. Junior walks up and asks why the ladies are always so crazy about Jones. Junior can’t even get laid trapped on a desert island.
I mean, what’s he got I ain’t got? Other than charm. And height. And a fantastic singing voice. And a huge cock
.

She’s still holding out for Jones, though? Jones has banged every chick in Reno. She admits: she has horrible taste in men. They keep talking and slowly justify — that since they ARE literally on a desert island … and they’re probably gonna die. And they MIGHT not ever get laid ever again, and this humidity has ’em both horny as hell … What the hell are they sitting around NOT getting laid for? He points out — if you have horrible taste in men —
maybe I’m your guy
. They come to a gentlemen’s agreement: what happens on the island stays on the island. And if we do die and we meet in Heaven — pretend you don’t know me.

Williams says she’ll try anything at the buffet once. “But if I’m doing this, I’m gonna pretend you’re somebody else.”

EXT. JUNGLE — DAY

On the hunt for Dr. White, Dangle has lost Wiegel. Perhaps on purpose. Then Wiegel runs out, screaming that she just got bitten by a snake in the bush.

There’s some confusion as to whether she got bit in
her
bush. “No, it was her ass, in the bushes over there.” Dangle suspects it’s a
not-so-cleverly-disguised attempt to get him to suck her butt. She swears she’s not faking it, even shows him the wound. He still doesn’t believe her. Then she falls over, unconscious.

But Captain Rick has heard her cries. He can’t believe that Dangle can be so callous, letting down a fellow deputy. He heroically sucks the poison out as fast as he can. Behind his back, Wiegel shows the two-pronged fork to the camera that she used to make the fake “snake bite.”

INT. CAVE — DAY

Clemmy is coming up with an escape plan. The only problem is — Island Mike. He’s nuts. He has a heated argument with the skeleton chained up next to him and tries to lick Clemmy’s feet.

INT. WILLIAM AND JUNIOR’S TENT — DAY

We find Williams and Junior passing the afternoon by engaging in a little … role playing: Junior plays the role of a fine southern gentleman. Williams … his sassy and sexy … well, slave. “Lawdy goodness gracious, Mr. Junior, Suh, you know miss Effy don’t allow me in the house alone with you menfolk.” They seem to be having a pretty good time in between make-believe mint juleps.

Captain Rick enters, interrupting just when it’s getting REALLY weird.

EXT. STREETS OF BANGKOK — DAY

Garcia and Jones rush up to a Thai POLICEMAN. “We are so happy to see you!” They explain the plane crash, the island, everything … … Only
to realize, the guy doesn’t understand English. Or KNOW anyone who understands English. They see …

A PHONE BOOTH! Jones and Garcia rush over. The recording, they are thrilled to hear, is in English: Then it tells them — “Please deposit seventy-eight dollars.” They have seven.

NIGHT FALLS

EXT. BEACH — NIGHT

The deputies are frazzled. No help has come, and they’ve been without food for two days. Williams takes the first watch.

Quietly, as quietly as she can, she sneaks a bag of peanuts out of her pocket. She tries to tear it open … the TINY crinkle sound wakes up the whole camp.

The deputies fight over the last bag of peanuts. It turns bad fast. All guns are eventually drawn on each other, like a John Woo movie. Finally Dangle screams “Look what’s become of us!” And dumps the peanuts into the sea. The deputies walk away, furious at him. More so when they realize — he was holding out. He had dumped only half the peanuts.

They jump him and wrestle until Captain Rick pulls him off — he knows where more peanuts are.

EXT. FUSELAGE — MOMENTS LATER

The plane’s SNACKS are in a cabinet. Unfortunately, the cabinet is DIRECTLY BEHIND A. D. Miles, the guy pinned to the plane. To get to the food, they’re gonna have to
move him. That means surgically removing him from the plane.

They have a Dr. Wells medical book and kit. And so they all agree to perform one of those horrible “surgery without a doctor” scenes.

A cute Asian girl (the one with the poodle) — built like a bimbo and in a tattered swimsuit — steps up with an armful of tiny booze bottles. She tells them (in Korean with subtitles) that she’s head surgeon in Seoul’s largest hospital. Just stay out of her way, and she’ll save the patient. The deputies take the bottles, all drink a shot, and talk to her like she’s five years old. “Thank you. But never,
never
mix tequila and vodka. Now get her outta here, this is no sight for a girl.” They get rid of her.

Before the surgery, Kimball asks A.D. where he wants his grandma’s urn taken. He gives it to her, and she promises him to sprinkle the ashes in China and say a few words at the ceremony.

They operate … (A.D.’s “Body” is built to be realistic, graphic, and gruesome. As gross as the beached whale. It’s a rough surgery, grueling and complicated — just as they close one artery, another one sprays in their faces. They have to take out and put back organs, trying to remember where things went in the board game Operation.)

It’s intense … but it’s a success! He lives! Until Junior smacks him on the back, congratulating him. That does him in with a cough of blood.

They look into the SNACKS cabinet. It’s empty except for taco mix, taco powder, taco
shells … but no real food. They are out of food.

They go to bed hungry.

INT. MAKESHIFT TENT — NIGHT

Dangle enters, exhausted. He climbs into his sleeping blanket — only to find that Wiegel is already there. She acts surprised: “I think you must be in the wrong tent, Jim.” Dangle has had it. He explodes: “You know I’m in the right tent, you knew I was coming, how the hell many times do we have to go through this charade?” He rants on and on about how he’s sick of her tricks and comeons. Wiegel lifts her airline blanket —
Captain Rick is there
, glaring at Dangle. Dangle leaves, embarrassed.

INT. WILLIAM AND JUNIOR’S TENT — NIGHT

We find Junior tied up and begging for his life. Then we reveal: Williams, a proud member of the Black Panthers, can’t quite decide how best to “Stick it to this man.” The poor scared honky begs for his life — he’ll do anything, anything, to make “restitution.” She says there actually is
something
that her fine, strong black brothers won’t do. A place they won’t … go. Junior confesses: he’s actually
from
the dirty South. So he don’t mind going there.

EXT. DANGLE’S SHELTER — NIGHT

Dangle lies there, confused, humiliated … and
jealous
? When he is suddenly hit with a bamboo pole. His Spirit Guide, laughing, drags Dangle out to learn more philosophy and kung fu. The Spirit Guide hands Dangle what looks like a hard brown TURD.

The Spirit Guide explains, “This is a “dropping” from a rare island howler monkey. The monkey eats the seeds of a gingko flower, giving its feces psychedelic properties. Eat the turd, and you will find your spirit name.”

Dangle eats the crunchy old turd. It takes
a long time
… he can barely choke it down. After he gets it all down, the Spirit Guide says, “Are you retarded?
You just ate a monkey turd, given to you by a total stranger
. It’s not psychedelic — it was a test, to see if you were stupid enough to eat a monkey turd. Which you apparently you are. You’ve got to
smarten up
if you’re going to lead these people.” Jim collapses. The Guide asks him, “What are you afraid of, Jim?”

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. DONNER MOTEL — CRAWL SPACE — 1989

Dangle and Jones climb through the ducts above the ceiling, they can hear Trudy’s tortured screams
directly below them
and Dr. White’s evil laughter. Dangle signals to Jones, a complicated system of hand signals. They “hand signal” back and forth for a while, until they realize neither one knows what the other one is saying. Just then, CRASH — Dangle collapses through the ceiling below. Jones grabs his arms, catching him, but
his lower half is hanging down into the room below — the one Dr. White is in
. Jones tries to pull him up, but he can’t. Dangle screams as Dr. White cackles from below. We hear the sound of a buzz saw or a blow torch … possibly both. Dangle screams, “Ah! He’s got me! He’s got me
by the pants
! DAMN THESE PANTS!”

Dangle screams, his lower half through the ceiling below him, being attacked by Dr. White. He screams, “He’s got me by the pants … cut me out of ’em, Jones, NOW!” Jones pulls a knife from his ankle, reaches down, and cuts Dangle out of his pants as fast as he can. When he pulls him up:
Dangle is now wearing khaki SHORTS
. His first ever. Something about them just seems … right. He grabs on to Jones, short of breath: “Thanks, Jones, you saved my ass,” says Dangle.

“Okay, sir,” says Jones. “Stop hugging me, and your balls are popping out.” They drop down through the hole in the ceiling, into the room below …

FLASH-FORWARD TO:

EXT. OCEAN — DAWN

The sun rises over the island.

EXT. BEACH — DAY

Junior and Rick are spearfishing, with Rick bossing him around, telling him “how it’s done.” Junior spears a barracuda. Yes! He pulls it out of the water, where the barracuda on a stick bites Rick’s face. Junior tries to pull it off, it’s a painful, bloody mess. Then Junior steps on an urchin. They hop, flail, and eventually fall into a PATCH of urchin … it’s horrible.

EXT. JUNGLE — DAY

Irina the flight attendant is taking a very erotic shower in a waterfall. She’s really “working it.” Posing, like she’s in a
Playboy
video.

We reveal: Kimball is hidden in the jungle, watching with binoculars. Dangle finds her. He asks what exactly are they doing? She explains: It’s a trap for Dr. White “You know — he seems into blondes, this is good way to catch him.” But it seems like she’s set up this “trap” for
her own enjoyment
.
Why is she playing “Cherry Pie” on a boom box, for example
? While she explains, and it turns into an argument — Irina is yanked into the jungle by Dr. White, in his orange prison jumpsuit — they don’t even see it happen.

INT. CAVE — LATE

Clemmy and Irina the flight attendant (nude and soapy) and crazy “Island Mike” are now all chained up in the cave. Island Mike can’t believe his luck. After all these years, now chained between blondes, and one in her birthday suit! It’s like Mardi Gras for him and Jimmy, the skeleton. Dr. White issues commands from the mouth of the cave above them (à la the “It puts the lotion in the basket” scene from
Silence of the Lambs
). Most of his commands involve making them do things that will make them more delicious when he eats them: He tosses down herbs and tell them, “It rubs the cinnamon and banana leaves on its skin.” Clemmy is miserable — but her skin hasn’t been this clear in years.