Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (28 page)

EXT. BUSY STREET IN THAILAND — DAY

Jones and Garcia walk down the street, exhausted. A sexy Thai HOOKER stops them with a friendly “Hello, Americans! I rock your world, seven dollars.” Thank God, she speaks English. They explain things to her, but the only English she says is “I rock your world, seven dollars!” Or “You be so sex crazy you forget your own name, seven dollars.” “You go round the butterfly and back, seven dollars.”

Jones explains, exasperated, “Look, I have friends who need help. They are counting on me to save them.” She says, “I understand. I feel bad for you. Six dollars.” He says “Deal” and heads in with her. The hooker says, “But the Mexican can’t watch — that’s extra.”

EXT. BEACH — DAY

Junior’s fishing, and he finally spears a fish! He walks back to shore triumphantly — and halfway back gets stung by a man-o’-war. Dragged on shore, the jellyfish’s tendrils all over him — someone says there’s only one thing that’ll stop the poison: Someone has to pee on the jellyfish. They try, but everyone who comes to his aid has a shy bladder — no one can pee. SEVERAL PEOPLE try for a while. He finally gets the jellyfish off — and
then
they all can all finally pee. He flees but gets peed on a fair amount anyway.

EXT. SEASIDE — DAY

Dangle hunts for Dr. White, when he notices, in the surf: a backpack drifts up, and he fishes it out. He looks inside — and his eyes widen, overwhelmed with joy …

It’s RAMEN NOODLES! A whole box! Like a madman, he covets the box. He tries to eat them raw. He can’t, they chip his tooth. He grabs the last water bottle and begins looking around for a pot to boil them in — his eyes light up when he sees …

The URN in Kimball’s tent.

Dangle grabs the urn, but Kimball clutches it protectively. She made a vow to the dead passenger. He says he understands and respects that … then tries to snatch it
again. She defends it — in what becomes an all-out
Cool Hand Luke
–style fistfight, punches fly. Eventually, Dangle gives up. But Kimball won’t back off — she kicks the shit out of him, far more than is actually necessary.

A crowd has gathered to watch Dangle get his ass kicked. They ask him, what’s he want the urn for anyway? Trapped — he shows them the Ramen noodles.

Their mouths water. Kimball eyes the noodles. “You know, I’ve been thinking … maybe she wanted her ashes to be sprinkled out in China. Maybe she wanted them in the China
SEA
. Which is connected to the sea here. Maybe if we had some kind of ceremony, and everybody said a few kind words … I could have half of your Ramen noodles.” Dangle says, “Done.”

EXT. POINT OVERLOOKING THE SEA — SUNSET

The survivors prepare to scatter the ashes from the urn. Kimball makes a nice speech and sprinkles the ashes into the sea. The breeze blows them back at the deputies. It tastes a little funny. The next deputy, as promised, takes a handful, says something nice about this old lady he didn’t know, and sprinkles the ashes at sea. Then he tastes his fingers and rubs some of the ashes on his teeth.

As they go around the circle, passing the urn, we realize — A.D. was a drug smuggler, and the urn holds not ashes but pure, uncut cocaine. They pass the urn around and around — talking about Grandma, talking about life and death … by the end, they are taking “bumps” of Grandma. They eventually get some music going … everyone’s talking
really
fast.

EXT. GUTTER IN THAILAND — NIGHT

Jones and Garcia sit, broke, frustrated … and some Thai MEN in sailor uniforms step up to them. The men say, in perfect English, “We overheard what you were saying. You got friends lost at sea, huh? We’ll help you out, We’re the coast guard.” Thrilled, they thank the men and go with them. Jones and Garcia hug them for joy and climb into their jeep. Yes! It’s finally over!

NIGHT FALLS

EXT. JUNGLE — NIGHT

The camp is out of leggy blondes, so Wiegel decides to lure Dr. White as sexy cannibal bait. She’s covered herself in coconut milk and a makeshift banana-leaf bikini. But it’s only attracted flies, which are surrounding her, and she’s having an allergic reaction to the leaves … she’s wheezing for breath, swatting flies off of herself with a palm frond which hurts every time she does it.

EXT. MOUNTAINTOP — NIGHT

Dangle is off in the jungle. His Spirit Guide teaches him to walk on hot lava rocks and not feel pain. He’s barefoot, running across, but he’s getting
really burnt
. After much torment, Dangle asks the Guide, “How? How can he walk on the coals and not feel pain?” The Guide says, “The answer … is shoes. You should wear
shoes
. That’s what a smart leader would do. You’ve really got to smarten up, man. Are you sure you’re a lieutenant?”

Again he asks Dangle what is he afraid of? Dangle blacks out from pain.

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. DONNER MOTEL — 1989

A creepy and dark basement. Sergeant Trudy Wiegel has been stripped to her underwear, gagged, and chained to the radiator, like a scene from
Saw
. She looks like a totally different person, twitching, shaking. She’s obviously been through a horrible ordeal. Her eyes look a little … crazy.

Dangle and Jones rush to unchain her, but as they untie her, Jones is knocked out from behind with a steel pipe.

From the shadows, Dr. White’s voice calls out, “Time to make a decision, Lieutenant … you can save Sergeant Wiegel, or catch me. Which will it be? Because there’s not much time.”

Dangle sees that a small EGG TIMER and BATTERY have been taped to Trudy’s head with duct tape. It’s counting down, it looks like a little time bomb.

Dr. White smashes the window, and jumps out of it. Dangle’s about to follow, but he looks at Trudy … terror in her eyes, only 30 seconds on the timer. He makes his decision — he lets Dr. White go and goes to help Trudy. He removes the little egg timer bomb from her head and throws it across the room. He bravely shields Trudy with his body as the timer counts down … five, four, three, two … then there’s a tiny little DING. Just the egg timer going off.
Nothing else happens
.

Confused, Dangle pulls the gag out of Trudy’s mouth. She says, “
Hey, Jim
!” (In a voice that sounds a lot more like the Trudy we know.)

“Hey, guess what, Jim — he tried to starve me and make me go crazy, but I survived by eating all these lead paint chips! I made up a song about ’em, wanna hear?”

Dangle goes to check the egg timer. Wiegel explains, “Yeah, that was just an egg timer, did he say it was a bomb? He’s not a bomb maker, he’s a cannibal.”

Dangle checks out the window. Dr. White is long gone. Just then the door is kicked down. Dangle, Trudy, and Jones (who has just woken up) open fire — and shoot Junior in the torso. Junior falls to the floor, saying “Damn, and I got a bullet-proof vest on layaway.”

FLASH-FORWARD TO:

EXT. JUNGLE — NIGHT

Dangle thanks the Spirit Guide for the vision quest. He usually just dreams about GrecoRoman wrestling with Orlando Bloom. The Island Spirit tells him, oh, this isn’t a dream. His name’s Scott, he’s a
life coach
. He was on the plane. He gives Dangle his card and tells Dangle that he owes him 500 bucks for these “hero’s journey” sessions.

EXT. BEACH — LATER

The survivors look over the supplies, nothing but
taco fixins
. And they’re
very
hungry. If only there were something to put in the taco shells. They talk about their poor new friend A.D. and how bravely he hung on to life … how much his liver looked like a good cut from Ralph’s butcher shop … but no! Then someone suggests: we could eat the poodle. They scoff: “That’s disgusting.” Then they look around and call for the poodle. It is nowhere to be seen: Unnoticed, the Asian
chick casually kicks campfire ashes over a few little bones and picks something out of her teeth.

EXT. THAILAND STREET — NIGHT

Garcia and Jones climb out of the jeep with the sailors and head toward a police station, relieved. They thank the Thai sailors, who are happy to help and listen to all of the details about the crash and the location of the island. They head around the station, into an alley …

INT. WATERFRONT WAREHOUSE — CONTINUOUS

Jones and Garcia follow the sailors through a door. They look up and realize: they are in a huge, windowless warehouse, full of nefarious THAI MEN. In the middle of the room is a table with two chairs and one GUN. A Thai man puts one bullet in the revolver, spins it, and hands it to them. Shit.

DISSOLVE TO:

Garcia, full on
Deer hunter
, aims the gun at his own temple and shoots.

We see a close-up of a Thai SPECTATOR as the GUN FIRES. The spectator flinches … then unflinches and says, “In twenty-eight years, I’ve never seen someone miss …”

EXT. BEACH — NIGHT

The survivors have gathered near the plane — and Captain Rick says a solemn prayer about the beloved departed A.D. MILES. Halfway through the prayer we realize that it’s not just a prayer — he is also saying GRACE: thanks for the meal they are about to receive.

Tearfully, the survivors have made a “Make Your Own Taco” bar on the wing of the plane, heating the tacos with propane from a tank. Everyone cries as they eat the crunchy, delicious tacos they’ve made from their friend. Not a word is exchanged, the deputies just
crunch, weep, and “mmmmm”
at the apparently delicious tacos.

Then Dangle snaps, “Don’t you see? We’ve become like Dr. White — we are monsters. What about duty?”

It’s been two days. They think no one is coming for them. What happens when they’re out of the crunchy tacos made from their dead friend? Dangle cries. They realize that he’s right — until Captain Rick, always calm, is the voice of reason. There’s only one logical thing to do, he says: draw straws to see who’s gonna be the next taco. It’s
Lord of the Flies
. They have lost all of their civility. Even the deputies are no longer listening to Dangle.

They ask Dangle, “Are you gonna draw straws to be a taco or not?” He says, “No, I won’t become a monster.”

Captain Rick calmly takes charge. He says — Dangle’s right. “We shouldn’t do this, drawing straws … we should just
eat Dangle
.” Dangle scoffs. His trusted deputies would never turn on him like that … ?

To Dangle’s dismay,
everyone is on Captain Rick’s side
. Dangle runs for his life, into the jungle. He tells Joe the cameraman — if you’re gonna document me, you better document fast. Joe runs with him into the dark.

INT. JUNGLE — NIGHT

It’s
The Most Dangerous Game
, as Dangle is the hunted. He can’t trust anyone, even when Junior offers to hide Dangle in his tent. Dangle thinks it might be a trap! Dangle runs away, and Junior is crushed: “You don’t trust me, I’ve been your best friend for years.” But Dangle is gone. Shit — the moment he’s gone, we see that Williams was waiting to mace Dangle: to incapacitate him and add flavor. It WAS a trap, and it didn’t work. Dammit.

EXT. MOUNTAIN CLIFF, OVERLOOKING THE SEA — DAWN

Dangle catches his breath; he can hear the mob behind him. He climbs a small cliff and into a cave, where he runs — SMACK into: CLEMMY. Clemmy sighs in relief. Then screams: “Behind you!” He turns to be face-to-face with a crazed man in an orange prison jumpsuit. They both SCREAM and run in opposite directions, right into the walls of the cave. Dangle starts to run — but he stops …

FLASH BACK TO:

EXT. DONNER MOTEL — NIGHT — 1989

The deputies stagger out of the motel, limping, battered, looking like they’ve aged ten years in one night … Clemmy’s boobs popping out, Wiegel crazed and twitching, Dangle in makeshift shorts. A NEWS REPORTER runs up to them and snaps a photo.

DISSOLVE TO:

A NEWSPAPER HEADLINE

Below the same photo reads: “CANNIBAL ESCAPES! NEW LIEUTENANT A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT!” We
pull back from the paper to see that it’s in Dangle’s hand. He’s sitting in his kitchen, drinking Canadian Club right out of the bottle. Debbie, his morbidly obese wife, appears in the doorway,
completely NUDE
. “Come on, sugar, let me take your mind off it.” upon seeing her, Dangle jumps in his seat (and throws up a little in his mouth). He gets up, defeated, clicks off the kitchen light, and follows her into the bedroom.

BACK TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN CLIFF, OVERLOOKING THE SEA — CONTINUOUS

Dangle turns around to face Dr. White, and the look in Dr. White’s eyes changes — to fear. Dangle tells him, “It’s all over. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m gonna finish this, right here and now.” Dr. White backs away, afraid — and falls … off the cliff. He falls all the way down and lands on the rocky shore of the sea.

The angry mob of survivors arrives and sees the dead serial killer. Dangle dusts off his hands. “Got ’im. Nice work, gang.” The stunned mob can’t believe it. They can’t believe what they were about to do.

EXT. ROCKY SHORE BELOW THE CLIFF — DAWN

They fish Dr. White out of the sea — he’s snagged on seaweed or something. The deputies are back to normal, filing a report, back to their senses — acting like deputies again …

As they haul the killer out of the sea, they see that he is snagged on something HUGE. And … rubber. It’s the hundred-foot Hyundai gorilla with “King Kong Sized Deals” written on it. It’s intact. Someone suggests that
maybe there’s a way to make the balloon into a raft. They talk and plan until Dangle says, “Why don’t we make the balloon … into a balloon?”

EXT. BEACH — DAY

The gorilla is inflated in all its glory. They have rigged it up for escape, using the last propane tank to fire it up with hot air, with a rickety bamboo basket. They soar upward, in their glorious and stupid escape balloon.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BANGKOK — DAY

THAIS look up, utterly confused, as our deputies drift over the town underneath their giant, inflated gorilla. Dangle shouts down, “Excuse me? Can you direct us to the Sheriff’s Department?”