Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (23 page)

Roundtables are fun and a good way for young comedy writers to get a foot in the door. Usually, an agent hooks you up with the roundtable, or some writer you’ve met socially calls you up and asks you to do it. Patton Oswalt (writer, actor, bon vivant) invited us to our first roundtable when we were starting out.

The studio sends you a comedy script (usually it’s greenlit). You have the night to read it and scribble down any jokes you can think of in the margins. The next day, you and seven to twelve other writers sit around a table. The director is usually there, as well as someone to take notes. Then you go through the script page by page, and you all pitch your jokes (out loud). It’s fun, and the studio buys you breakfast and lunch. They tell you you’re going to get paid $1,000, but we swear to God we have never been paid for a roundtable. We’ve done at least twenty of them. Never been paid a dime.

BUT—
do roundtables if you can
. Especially when you’re just starting out. It’s a good way to meet directors, execs, and other funny writers. You laugh the whole day—sometimes for two days.

Yes. A lot of times a studio SHOOTS a comedy and funny never happened. So—they need to do reshoots.

The studio will show you the movie in a little private screening and tell you what they want you to write. You get this gig the same way as a rewrite. Sometimes you pitch what you’re going to do, but usually they tell you
practically every word
they want in the new scene or scenes.

You write the scene or scenes, they give you notes, you go back and forth MANY times, getting it to where they all like it. They pay you by the week.

Sometimes they want you to add jokes to a movie WITHOUT their reshooting anything. Now, you’re thinking—
how the hell do they expect you to do that?

If it’s an animated film, they might reanimate the mouth, but your line still has to fit organically into the scene. Tricky.

If it’s NOT animated, they might want you to write jokes
that will fit into the mouths of the actors in the scene.
Then the actors come in and rerecord the dialogue, and they slip your jokes into their mouths. We’re not kidding. It happens a lot.

Or they might want you to add jokes that some character supposedly delivers from
offscreen
.
Again, we shit you not.
You have to go in and write wisecracks that some character supposedly is saying OFF CAMERA.

Does this ever actually work and make a not-funny movie funny?

Nope. Never.

But they do it anyway. Needless to say, you will not get screen credit for this type of work.

AND YOU DO NOT WANT IT.

Ah, the movie star—as majestic and rare as the California condor! (Actually, there are 348 California condors known to be living. There are nowhere NEAR that many actors who can open a picture. So on second thought, screw those condors, they’re not that rare.)

The movie star is majestic to behold in its natural habitat—which is on weekends in the summer, at the Golden Globe Awards, or at Cannes.

First of all, let’s make sure we’re not confusing the movie
star
with those other categories, the movie
actor
and that awful monstrosity the celebrity.

The term “movie star” describes someone who can OPEN a movie.
That means that almost no matter what happens, with this actor in your film, your film will be number one at the box office the weekend it comes out. Movie actors and celebrities cannot do this. Movie actors are just that: actors who act in movies. Celebrities are people who are in movies even though they cannot act at all. Here’s a quick reference:

Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock = MOVIE STAR

Mark Ruffalo, Sandra oh = MOVIE ACTOR

Perez hilton, Paris hilton = CELEBRITY

It’s easy to know if you’ve cast a movie star in your movie. The first way to tell is that they’ll be REALLY EXPENSIVE. How expensive? you ask? Well, the ones listed up top should run you in the $20 million to $25 million range, plus a slice of the FIRST-DOLLAR GROSS. (
Which means they start making money at the same time the studio does, nice. FIRST-DOLLAR GROSS IS VERY HARD TO GET!!!
)

So you should do a quick price check to make sure you’ve got an
actual
movie star, because accidentally hanging your opening weekend on a JARED THE SUBWAY SANDWICH GUY (
celebrity
) or a SANDRA BERNHARD (
bridge troll
) will spell disaster.

Sure, there are some movie stars who cost LESS than $20 million, but you get what you pay for. You’ll be lucky to open in second, third, or (gasp!) fourth place. And we’re not exaggerating when we say that opening in fourth place is ten times worse than being in Auschwitz.

Where were we? Oh, yeah. So you spent the $25 million, and now you’ve got a big-time movie star attached! Way to go. Now comes the interesting part. Because by default, any movie star automatically knows much more about MOVIE WRITING than you. “But wait,” you say, “that movie star has never written anything in his whole life! He doesn’t have one single writing credit!”

PHOOEY!

EVERY MOVIE STAR, TO SOME EXTENT, WRITES THE MOVIE THEY STAR IN—even though they couldn’t find the “CLEAR REVISED” button in Final Draft if their life depended on it. They write it
because they are the star
. The movie wouldn’t be happening without
them and they know that. They got approval over the director too. (That means the director is directing the movie only because the movie star said it was okay.)

Movie stars get to call the shots, have writers hired or fired, and often they bring in their own PERSONAL WRITER, or a team of writers, to give the script a little “polish” for them. Most movie stars have writers they like to keep around, strolling behind them like mariachis, singing ballads of their box-office victories and/or finessing awkward dialogue.

But sometimes, before they bring in their writers, you get a shot at putting in the movie star’s notes. So if you’ve got a movie star attached—
and you haven’t been fired yet
—congratulations! Now get ready for their notes! There is an art to taking them. Get good at it. Here’s how it goes:

For starters, the notes meeting will usually be someplace strange—either a secluded part of a restaurant, their fabulous mansion in the Hollywood Hills, or possibly in their trailer on the movie they’re currently shooting.

1. Don’t act weird. Be respectful and cool but not “fan-boy-ish” around your star.

In general, regular people tend to act WEIRD around movie stars; they get excited and SWEATY. Try not to be either, as it makes movie stars uncomfortable.

For instance, if the meeting’s in their trailer on set, DO NOT SAY, “
Jeez, this thing is bigger than my whole house.
”Everyone says this whoever steps in their trailer. It’s not funny to a movie star that their trailer is bigger than your house, it’s just sad. So DON’T point it out. Don’t act like the Make-A-Wish Foundation sent you there to meet the movie star. Act professional.

BUT DON’T TREAT MOVIE STARS LIKE THEY’RE ENTIRELY NORMAL EITHER. Remember: they’re NOT entirely normal. They make $25 million
a couple of times a year
. And every living American knows their name and what they look like in a swimsuit. SO WALK THE LINE between NOT treating them special and
treating them A LITTLE BIT SPECIAL.
We treat them sort of like they’re the “down-to-earth” members of the royal family. It tends to work.

2. Unlike with the studio, you need to agree with movie stars ALL THE TIME. Period. And not just for show.
You really agree
with all of their notes. Or you’re fired. Not only are you fired, the star WON’T EVEN HEAR ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU GOT FIRED. It will happen before you even walk back to your car.

3. Be VERY FAMILIAR with movie stars’ entire canon of work. Don’t accidentally pitch something they’ve done before in another movie. Movie stars HATE repeating themselves. And, yes, they expect you to be VERY FAMILIAR with everything they’ve done. Save yourself some embarrassment by brushing up on your movie star. Know their hits, and even better: find GOOD THINGS about their flops. (Note: It’s best not to discuss the flops at all. BUT, if they come up, YOU SHOULD HAVE ONE POSITIVE DETAIL ABOUT THEM TO DISCUSS.)

For example: you’ve just sat down in the trailer of, say, JENNIFER LOPEZ (celebrity, singer, and movie actress—but not movie star).

Whew! Nice save.

4. Don’t be a chatterbox. Nobody likes a chatterbox. Especially movie stars who are used to talking to professional chat-show hosts like Craig Ferguson. Talk when you have something smart/clever/funny/interesting to say, and only then. Don’t blab on and on; it makes you seem nervous, because you are. Mostly listen and nod.

5. Don’t ASK FOR ANYTHING. Not even water. Seriously. Have everything you need before the meeting. Don’t “need” things. Many movie stars are BUDDHISTS,
or they at least “dig” Buddhist practices. They know that to WANT anything is to suffer—so don’t be WANTING anything from them. PLUS, ALL DAY LONG, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD ASKS FOR THINGS FROM THEM. Autographs, photos, appearances at the bedside of their ailing grandchild. People never stop asking movie stars for stuff, so BE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR, and don’t need anything from them. Even water—no joke. This establishes a tiny psychological footing for you.
Today: you’re the one person in their life who doesn’t need anything from them
. Keep this up, and they’re more likely to keep you around. (Start picking out your mariachi outfit!)

6. Listen carefully, and incorporate all of their notes. (Some of their notes will likely be TERRIBLE or half baked. But guess what—you’re gonna do those notes too. And guess what: YOU’RE GONNA GET BLAMED ON THE INTERNET for this terrible idea. (See
Chapter 18
, “Naysayers.”) But, that’s why you’re getting paid the big bucks!
C’est la guerre!
*

Remember, if you can get a movie star to like your writing and even know your name, you become INFINITELY more powerful in Hollywood. Being the first- or second-choice writer a movie star prefers to work with will present you with LOTS of opportunities—and put you into a better negotiating position. Movie stars, like agents, don’t just want SCRIPTS; They want people around who can craft words and scenes and are willing to work tirelessly to get the script right and make them look better. If you get the chance to do ten free drafts of Act I for a movie star—DO IT. And make every one of them great.

(You did—if you know how to arbitrate!)

Unless you are a working screenwriter, this is a part of the movie industry you have most likely never heard of—
and if you ARE a working screen writer, it’s one of the most important parts of the business
.

“What the f@#k is arbitration?” you ask. Arbitration is the process by which the Writers Guild determines who receives CREDIT for a film, after the film gets made.

“Credit? So f@#king what?,” you say. Well—with CREDIT come ROYALTIES. “Royalties?” you say. “You mean like cold, hard cash that can be traded for jet skis, Wii Fits, and sex acts?” Yes. That’s exactly what we mean.

Now, we don’t know how much clearer we can make this:
If you don’t receive credit for a film, you’ll never receive the piles of money that the screenwriter gets
. The credited writer of a film gets 1.5 percent of the film’s profits (that’s the film’s box office, minus what the studio spent). Plus royalties every time the film plays on TV. Plus royalties for every DVD sold, plus a script publication fee, plus money when they write the “young adult novelization” of your script … it goes on and on. Credit on a successful film can be worth
a lot
of money.
If you do not get CREDIT
on the movie, you get ZILCH—no matter how much work you did on the script
. And to
get
credit, you will almost definitely have to arbitrate. So … what’s arbitration?