Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (18 page)

An exquisite hotel right on Waikiki beach, with majestic views of Diamond Head. Beautiful pool. Fantastic restaurant. VERY, VERY expensive—but that keeps out the riffraff.

Or why not helicopter over on …

Island Express Helicopters

1175 Queens Highway

Long Beach, CA 90802

(800) 228-2566

to …

The Inn on Mount Ada

398 Wrigley Road

Avalon, CA 90704

(310) 510-2030

This private inn overlooks Avalon Bay and was once the mansion of William Wrigley, Jr., who owned Wrigley gum, the Chicago Cubs, and 99 percent of Catalina Island. The rooms are awesome, the views are romantic, the place is incredibly private, and oh my God, is this place overpriced! The chopper will get you there in fifteen minutes. What’s the rush? Well—pretty soon you’re gonna run out of things to talk about with the dazzling young starlet you’re whisking away for the weekend! Better get that champagne flowing!

One and Only Palmilla

Km 7.5 Carretera Transpeninsular

San Jose del Cabo

BCS, CP 23400

Mexico

(866) 829-2977

If you can afford this place—
you should be in jail
! Or you’re in SHOWBIZ! Perfect private beach for a dinner for two, perfect drinks mixed by your own bartender, and it will cost you only one week of a
Starsky & Hutch
punch-up.

And, most important …

IN-N-OUT BURGER LOCATIONS

Arcadia

420 N. Santa Anita Avenue 91006

Azusa

324 S. Azusa Avenue 91702

Baldwin Park

13850 Francisquito Avenue 91706

Brentwood

5581 Lone Tree Way 94513

Burbank

761 N. First Street 91502

Canoga Park

6841 N. Topanga Canyon Boulevard 91303

City of Industry

17849 E. Colima Road 91748

21620 valley Boulevard 91789

Covina

1371 N. Grand Avenue 91724

Culver City

13425 Washington Boulevard 90292

Diamond Bar

21133 Golden Springs Drive 91789

Downey

8767 Firestone Boulevard 90241

Glendale

119 Brand Boulevard 91204

310 N. Harvey Drive 91206

Glendora

1261 S. Lone Hill 91741

Hacienda Heights

14620 E. Gale Avenue 91745

Hollywood

7009 Sunset Boulevard 90028

Huntington Park

6000 Pacific Boulevard 90255

Inglewood

3411 W. Century Boulevard 90301

La Mirada

14341 Firestone Boulevard 90638

La Puente

15259 E. Amar Road 91744

La Verne

2098 Foothill Boulevard 91750

Lakewood

5820 Bellflower Boulevard 90713

Lancaster

2021 W. Avenue I 93536

Long Beach

4600 Los Coyotes Diagonal 90815

6391 E. Pacific Coast Highway 90803

7691 Carson Street 90808

Newhall

25220 N. The Old Road 91321

North Hollywood

5864 Lankershim Boulevard 91605

Northridge

8830 Tampa Avenue 91324

9858 Balboa Boulevard 91325

Norwalk

14330 Pioneer Boulevard 90650

Palmdale

142 E. Palmdale Boulevard 93550

Panorama City

13651 Roscoe Boulevard 91402

Pasadena

2114 E. Foothill Boulevard 91107

Pico Rivera

9070 Whittier Boulevard 90660

Pomona

1851 Indian Hill Boulevard 91767

2505 Garey Avenue 91766

Porter Ranch

19901 Rinaldi Street 91326

Redondo Beach

3801 Inglewood Avenue 90278

Rosemead

4242 N. Rosemead Boulevard 91770

San Fernando

11455 Laurel Canyon Boulevard 91342

San Pedro

1090 N. Western Avenue 90732

Santa Clarita

26401 Bouquet Canyon Road 91350

28368 Sand Canyon Road 91387

Santa Fe Springs

10525 Carmenita Road 90670

Sherman Oaks

4444 Van Nuys Boulevard 91403

Studio City

3640 Cahuenga Boulevard 90068

Temple City

10601 E. Lower Azusa Road 91780

Tujunga

6225 Foothill Boulevard 91042

Van Nuys

7220 N. Balboa Boulevard 91406

7930 Van Nuys Boulevard 91402

West Covina

15610 San Bernardino Road 91790

2940 E. Garvey Avenue 91791

West Los Angeles

9245 W. Venice Boulevard 90034

Westwood

922 Gayley Avenue 90024

Woodland Hills

19920 Ventura Boulevard 91364

If you haven’t had it yet,
In-N-Out Burger
is the best fast-food place on the planet. ON THE PLANET. They serve burgers, fries, shakes, soft drinks, AND THAT’S IT. It’s fast, cheap, and
you should go eat one right now
.

And Angelenos (“Angeleno” is the douchebag NPR term for “people who have to live in L.A.”) know how to order stuff to be prepared in “special” ways. These secret ordering terms are not on the menu.

Here is a complete list (as far as we know) of those secret In-N-Out items—yours free with the purchase of this book. The knowledge, not the menu items.

The In-N-Out Secret Menu Is:

If you order your burger “Animal Style,” you get extra pickles, extra secret sauce, with grilled onions.

“2x4” Burger: You get a burger with two beef patties and four slices of cheese.

“3-by-Meat” Burger: Three beef patties, no cheese.

“Double Meat” Burger: A Double Double without the cheese.

“The Flying Dutchman”: Two beef patties, two slices of cheese. No lettuce. No onions. No bun. Ew.

“Protein Style” Burger: Burger wrapped in lettuce instead of a bun. For if you’re on Atkins.

“Veggie Burger”: Burger with no burger and double tomatoes.

“Grilled Cheese”: Cheeseburger without the burger. It’s good.

“Extra Toast”: They toast your bread on the grill longer, so your buns are crispier.

If you order your fries “Animal Style,” you get french fries with secret sauce, onions, and cheese on top.

Order your fries “Light”: They cook ’em a little less than normal. Ew.

Fries “Well Done”: They cook your fries a little longer. They’re crunchier. IT’S AWESOME.
We recommend it highly
.

Choco-Vanilla Swirl Shake: Chocolate and vanilla swirled together, not blended.

Neapolitan Shake: Strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate all swirled together, not blended.

YOUR WHO/WHAT/WHERE (AND WHAT NOT TO WEAR) GUIDE TO THE OSCARS, EMMYS, AND GOLDEN GLOBES!!!!!!!
*

FREE MOVIE IDEA

Yours Free with the Purchase of This Book

“BOBO & ME”

Approximate Budget: $35 million

Estimated Gross: $93 million worldwide

Shoots in: Georgia, for the tax rebate

Rating: PG

Awards Potential: Zero

Tracy Morgan stars as DWAYNE, a lovable janitor at NASA. Beyoncé Knowles costars as FELICITY, NASA’s top primate zoologist. Felicity has spent the past nine years training BOBO, a brilliant CHIMPANZEE,
*
for a mission to Mars. Bobo is the most brilliant chimpanzee of all time, genetically engineered by NASA. Bobo can speak sign language, pilot a rocket, and, most important,
learn
.
Bobo is a fast learner.

Felicity learns that her sinister boss, DR. APPLETON (Will Arnett) has planned to send Bobo to Mars—
with no intention of bringing him back to Earth.
(Equipping the rocket to bring him back would be too expensive.) It’s a one-way mission for Bobo … a suicide mission.

Felicity sneaks Bobo out with Dwayne’s help and plans to set him free at the San Diego Wild Animal Park. So …

Felicity and Dwayne hightail it across country on an action-packed, family-friendly ROAD TRIP—sneaking the genius chimp into hotels, camping with the chimp, etc. When Dwayne finds out Bobo is a math whiz,
he uses Bobo to beat the pants off of a VEGAS CASINO.

All the while, Dr. Appleton pursues them, using NASA’s limitless resources, including a team of NAVY SEALS
(who will be the victims of LOTS of hilarious physical comedy as they try in vain to capture Bobo.
Think
HOME ALONE
with a chimp, versus NAVY SEALS). The MOB is after them too when it learns that Bobo broke the bank at its casino.

Dwayne and Felicity find that despite SEEMING like total opposites, they are drawn to each other. Felicity will, in fact, tell Dwayne this in
some kind of simile related to primate zoology. Eventually, Dr. Appleton is ARRESTED FOR SKIMMING FROM THE FUNDS FOR PRIMATE RESEARCH. Dwayne and Felicity win. Bobo is set free at the San Diego park, where, in a touching scene, he meets the female monkey of his dreams.

If you’re so smart, why don’t
you
write a blockbuster?

Every single Hollywood studio movie has the same structure.

Repeat:

EVERY SINGLE HOLLYWOOD STUDIO MOVIE HAS THE SAME STRUCTURE.

From
Casablanca
to
The Matrix.
There are many, many books explaining this structure. We have no idea why you’d need a whole book. Okay:

Every studio movie has three acts.

ACT I: You get a likable guy stuck up a tree.

ACT II: You throw rocks at him.

ACT III: You get him down out of the tree.

Aliens arrive on Earth. They kick our ass. We kick their ass.

Bruce Willis gets stuck in Nakatomi Tower. He gets the shit knocked out of him. He throws Hans Gruber out of Nakatomi Tower.

Now—within those three acts,
things
ALWAYS
go down like this
:

Pages 1–10: We meet your hero and the world he (or she or they) live in.

Welcome to Kansas, here’s Dorothy, she wishes she wasn’t in Kansas. Welcome to Old Detroit, here’s Officer Murphy, and it’s a creepy high-tech world where they’re looking for KIA cops to make into Robo-Cops.

If you have created a character or situation that can’t be explained in about ten pages:
It is WRONG
. Repeat:

If you’ve created a character or situation that can’t be explained in about ten pages:
It is WRONG
.

If you can’t explain it in ten pages, you’re making an art movie or an independent, or it’s just too confusing.
The studios will not touch it with a ten-meter cattle prod
. Unless you’re James Cameron. James, if you’re reading this book, we’re very flattered. And
Terminator
was awesome.

In
Casablanca
, pages 1–10: The voice-over guy tells us all about Casablanca, and then every single character tells us how cool Rick (Humphrey Bogart) is. In
Die Hard
, the first ten pages teach you everything you need to know about Nakatomi Plaza and the McClains.

In
The Matrix
, pages 1–10: We’re in a world where people can almost fly. We meet Neo, who senses that there’s something odd going on and who has an itch to find out what the Matrix is.

Page 10: The “inciting incident.” (That’s fancy talk for “Something out of the ordinary happens to your hero.”)