Yiddish with Dick and Jane (4 page)
Jane, Bob, Sally, Katie, and Scott drive to the restaurant.
“Is something wrong, Jane?” says Sally. “You are all
fartootst
.”
“Jane is upset because she gave her friend Ellen a nice purse,” says Bob. “And Ellen gave the purse to Betty.”
“Are you sure it is the same one?” asks Sally.
“Yes,” says Jane.
“The man said it is one of a kind. He is the purse
maven
.”
“You should tell Ellen that it makes you mad that she gave your gift away, Jane,” says Sally.
“It does not make me mad, Sally,” says Jane.
“Well, it should,” says Sally.
See Mary.
Mary is Dick’s wife.
See Dick and Mary’s children.
Their names are Alice and Zach.
Everyone is at the Chinese restaurant.
Alice and Zach are eating the crunchy noodles in the bowl.
“Stop
fressing
those noodles, Alice and Zach,” says Mary. “It will spoil your dinner.”
Jane, Sally, Bob, Katie, and Scott get to the restaurant.
“Jane,” whispers Sally. “I thought Susan was married to Tom.”
“Susan
is
married to Tom, Sally,” says Jane.
“Then who is that
schmo
?” asks Sally.
“That is Phil,” says Jane.
“I thought Phil was married to Bev,” says Sally.
“Phil
is
married to Bev,” says Jane.
“
Hoo-hah
!” thinks Sally.
Jane, Bob, Sally, Katie, and Scott get to the table.
Everyone says hello and gets settled.
“I love their Lake Tung Ting Shrimp,” says Bob.
“Do you like shrimp, Aunt Sally?” asks Zach.
“Shrimp?” says Sally.
“Feh!”
“Look, Dick,” says Sally.
“Tom’s wife, Susan, is kissing Phil.”
“Yes, Sally, they are good friends,” says Dick.
“That is not how friends kiss, Dick,” says Sally.
“I think Susan and Phil are
shtupping
.”
“Oh no,” says Dick.
“They are just happy to see each other.”
“Susan is such a
bren
,” says Jane.
“Come on, Dick and Jane,” says Sally. “This is a
shanda
.”
“What is?” asks Dick.
“Oh, never mind,” says Sally. “Pass the
Mu Shoo
.”
The next night, Bob and Jane and Sally go to Ellen’s birthday dinner.
Ellen shows off the beautiful purse that Jane gave her.
Jane is very confused.
“Look, Bob and Sally,” says Jane. “Ellen did not give my purse to Betty! Betty must have bought her own purse.
I feel like such a
shmegegge
.”
“You are not a
shmegegge
, Jane,” says Sally.
“The man who sold you the purse lied. He said it was one of a kind. But it was not. He is a
goniff
! Someone ought to give him a
zetz
in the
schnoz
.”
The next day Dick picks up Jane and Sally.
They drive to visit Mother.
They drive near Tom’s house.
“I should stop and give Tom his sand wedge back,” says Dick.
“He has been
hokking me a tshynik
about it all week.”
Dick parks the car in front of Tom’s house.
Someone comes out of Tom’s house. It is Stanley!
“What is Stanley doing there?” asks Dick.
“Maybe Tom wants Stanley to sell the house for him,” says Jane. “You know how Tom hates to
handl
.”
Tom comes out.
Tom kisses Stanley on the mouth.
Sally starts to laugh.
“No wonder Susan is with Phil,” says Sally. “Tom is gay!”
“Tom is more than gay, Sally,” says Dick. “He is overjoyed.”
“Of course,” says Jane.
“Stanley must have just told Tom what a good price he can get on his house.”
“
Oy Gotenyu
,” sighs Sally.
