Yiddishe Mamas (10 page)

“When I hear the term ‘Jewish mother,’ I think of a mother who is very protective, sometimes overly vocal, opinionated, nurturing. The role she takes within the family is very strong, extremely child-first, and can be over the top. They’re more verbal about the rules of the world, how the family will exist. They have an opinion right away, no hiding in the back … they’re out there. Plus, I’ve never been offered so much food in my whole life. The non-Jew wants to please, the Jewish mother may impose pleasure. The WASP mother wants everything to be proper, but she won’t impose or ask for any gratitude—the stiff upper lip. She has more ability to let her kids leave the nest faster. With ethnic mothers, their struggle has been constant and they’re more in your face. The nonethnic mother has the freedom to relax. Her style is: Don’t talk about money, be quiet, reserved, and don’t show your cards. She wouldn’t bond as quickly or share a problem about the kids. She’d talk more about: ‘How are the curtains you were putting up?’ WASPs struggle to stay in the right country clubs. If someone called me a Jewish mother, I would take it as a compliment. I’d look at the most positive image … somebody very loving, very protective.”

“The Jewish mother is really into loving the kids, ‘my kids are my whole life.’ They’ll do whatever they have to do to help them succeed. I think of both positives and negatives. The positives are the interest in their children, making them their centerpiece. The negative would be other people might see it as overbearing or overcontrolling. I see the Jewish and Italian mother as more similar than different. When my aunt wanted to go to college, my grandparents were pretty poor. Five hundred dollars was their life savings, yet they gave it to her. They, too, wanted their children to do well and were willing to do whatever they could to make it happen. I see the WASP as a colder mother. She’d give her child one hundred of the five hundred and say, ‘Darling … this is our savings. You need to get a job.’ She also let go earlier. I feel like my mother and my mother’s mother, like Jewish moms, want to be mothers for life. The WASP mom wants to be a mother till the kids are grown, then she’s onto her own thing.”

“When I hear the term ‘Jewish mother,’ I immediately think of my husband’s grandmother, who was Jewish. She knew how to pinch cheeks really great! When we were in Florida and just married, I got this phone call and I hadn’t even met her: [In Yiddish accent] ‘Hello, Julie? Dis is Grandma!’ Any time we would ever talk, she’d pinch my cheeks and end every conversation with, ‘So be good, be happy, make a lot of money, and be healthy.’ She was extremely caring and loving but meddlesome. She was the Queen Bee. The Jewish mother tends to be more lenient and allows her child to get away with more. The WASP mother tends to call her kids on the carpet more. Personally, I’d like to be referred as one of the ‘good’ Jewish mothers … not whining … but very caring and loving.”

“I see the ‘Jewish mother’ image as loving, but also, overbearing, interfering, controlling. I wouldn’t consider the term as either negative or positive. If someone called me a Jewish mother, I’d take it to mean that I was too overly involved. The Irish mother is a little more distant. She might use denial as a bit of defense. Don’t ask, don’t tell.” [At which point her son, Tommy, took the phone and said:] “Jewish guilt is fast-acting and Irish guilt is long-lasting. It’ll
come up easier and later. There’s open communication in Jewish homes, but many Irish never talk about anything problematic.”

“My first mother-in-law was a Jewish mother. Her son was more important than her husband. She cooked exactly the meal he loved … tsimmes, brisket, and matzo ball soup … and it was very important to make him his pear, jam, and vanilla pudding. I saw her as dedicated to her child, protective, inflexible, wary of outsiders. Also, fiercely loyal. Once you were in the inner circle you were there. If I were called a Jewish mother, I’d view the term as a put-down. The comment would mean I was overcontrolling, living through my child, and interfering in his life. Taking it to an extreme, that loyalty may become suspicion, and dedication may become smothering. Guilt is a big issue. I realize, of course, this is more the “stereotype.” The Italian mother is also feeding. They never sit down. Both mothers are very physical—in loving, anger, and frustration. Jewish guilt and manipulation seem less overt than in the Italian mother. For WASP mothers, food is not the center of their universe. They’re about manners, thank-you notes, etc. They’re equally dedicated, but much quieter. They show disapproval and expectations in a more passive-aggressive way. It’s the unspoken, the unwritten rule. They’ll raise an eyebrow, and silence is a big one.”

“I see the Jewish mother as someone who is a bit overprotective. She wants her child to succeed and preferably marry within the faith. I see these traits as positive, because they are so caring, they’ll do everything they can for their children—and they do well. The Jewish mother cares what profession her children go into, for example, medicine, law, finance. I realize these are blanket statements, but it seems non-Jews are less intense and protective. You want them to do well but they don’t have to be perfect. You often see parents who don’t care what their kids are doing, or who they’re hanging out with. When you find someone really focuses and is in touch—even if the kids appear not to like it—they have that sense of security and being cared for, which is much more positive.”

10. Ginger Tafoya—e
ditor/writer, was born in Los Angeles in the 1940s. Latino [Mexican], she was raised Catholic. Today, she considers herself “a believer
—
spiritual.” She has three grown children, two daughters and one son.

“Some Jewish mothers are overinvolved. The negative is, overinvolvement may be putting too much pressure on the child to succeed and negative attention if they don’t. The positive is, of course, they love their children, will nurture them, and make then number one. The Hispanic mother puts less pressure on children. Personally, I felt there wasn’t enough caring about what the kid did or education. It was more about raising them and
getting them out the door. There is also a definite preference for the male child. A Hispanic mother is often more nurturing and hovering toward the boy, so males are not really taught to respect women, as they become adults. In a sense, the son represents what her husband isn’t, so she bonds with her male child.”

“The Jewish mother, though occasionally overbearing, is, on the positive side, very caring. She’s particularly aggressive in the arts and education, which is a good thing. Frankly, I don’t see much difference from Christian mothers, except perhaps in the level of aggressiveness. The Jewish mother tends to be pushier and more aggressive with her children.”

“The Jewish mother is very tightly family oriented, sometimes overprotective, and uses guilt. She’s very different from the WASP mother. It has to do with their relationship to emotions. Any culture that has had to overcome adversity, a culture that’s had to fight against being broken down, has a tighter feeling and stronger bond. The WASP mother is more emotionally reserved, often having lost her cultural roots, there’s been a diffusing of family ties, lack of common history, lack of common reason to come together as a community.”

“When I think of the Jewish mother, I see a gray-haired elderly mom, with a big apron in the kitchen, making proper meals for her family, saying, ‘My kid this, my kid that.’ She’s caring, loving, but competitive—about kids, money, possessions. But … she’s compassionate and will be there and fight for her family. Mothers in general are getting a bad rep in sitcoms. In the fifties and sixties, they were idealized to a joke—the perfect pearl-wearing mother. In the seventies, we had the working, liberated mom. The career woman emerged. But in the nineties, they became overbearing or slightly crazy, as in
Malcolm in the Middle.
In my home, we weren’t raised competitive, not pushed as much. Sometimes I wish we had been encouraged to be the best we could be—and gone to Harvard. I was raised to be
fair, and nice, and not step on people. Money wasn’t the big thing … compared to my Jewish friends. In Jewish families, there was more talking. I also laughed a lot in their homes and saw the warmth. The WASP house was much more restrained, reserved, and concerned about proper image, rather than expressing feelings. Their expectations and ambitions weren’t so obvious. Of course, the upper-class WASP already had their ‘connections’ in place.”

“Jewish mother. To me these are iconic words for ’the good mother,’ who is the nurturer, solves problems, takes care of things. I don’t see her as overbearing, but rather sometimes overfunctioning, but with good intent. If I was called a Jewish mother, I’d take it as a compliment.”

“When I hear the term Jewish mother, I think of myself, as I have more chutzpah than all of my friends. Family and food are two priorities in life—and financial successful is critical. On the negative side, Jewish moms don’t let them cut the apron strings. They may be oversmothering, too into the details of their children’s lives. Yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way! The WASP mother has a certain lack of tradition. A lack of passion, which I consider middle-of-the-road mediocrity. And they bore the hell out of me.”

“My parents’ best friends were the Goldens. Mrs. Golden was a very vivacious, honest, direct, bold person, who knew exactly what she wanted and always got it. I see the Jewish mother as very involved, proactive in the community, and service oriented. When you think typical Catholic, you think church, and church involvement. The female saints are role models. But the Jewish mother is active in the PTA. To me, a Jewish mother is a demonstrative, family-oriented, goal-oriented individual. She would be a strong leader and very educated. In celebration, for example, she’s concerned that each person knows not only what is going on, but why.”