You Before Anyone Else (21 page)

I bite into the chicken and sigh. It's amazing. We eat in silence for several minutes, and then I finally get up the courage to say, “Thanks.”

“For what?”

I swirl my fork around. “For making an effort to get on my roommates' good sides—and their mothers'. You didn't have to do that, but it makes life easier.”

“Yeah?” he says, looking pleased. “Glad I can help you for a change.”

While Eddie tells me about the job he did today in Times Square, I sit there wondering how often he gets compliments, real ones, for things that make him him. Does anyone tell him what he's good at? Or has his whole life been about expectations? All related to his name and the similar names that came before him? I definitely don't envy that part of his life. Yeah, my mom was a dancer, and I gravitated toward that as well, but I never felt like it wasn't mine. Like I hadn't earned my skills. No matter how much people compare me to her, no one can take away the work I put into dance. But how does someone put effort into being Edward James Wellington IV? There is no room left to make any of that your own.

Summer's door opens, and I can feel her behind us, taking in the dinner table and the lit candle. Luckily, Eddie's phone rings, and he jumps out of his seat when he sees the number and heads straight outside for the balcony.

I spin around in my chair and face Summer, waiting.

“I feel like I'm back in preschool,” she says. “Watching kids play house. All we need is food made of plastic.”

“We could use the ones you stick in your bra?” I suggest.

She glares at me, but it's a look of admiration. Sometimes, I impress her. “God, you've got that knife ready when you need it, don't you?”

I'm about to remind her about that “How Mean Am I Quiz?” again, but Eddie returns. He stares at me, wide-eyed. “That was the agency…”

I lift an eyebrow, knowing he means the adoption agency, not the modeling one. “And?”

“I have a meeting with Dina Jackson. I can't believe she returned my call.” He looks more nervous than excited, but I think this is a pretty big deal, considering he's not even supposed to know who Caroline is working with.

Summer brushes past me and says in her low voice, “Fun. Stray cat and now a baby stray. This is a dream come true for you, right?”

I ignore her and turn back to Eddie. That mixed-up, nervous stomach feeling hits me again. I don't know how to be sure about any of this. But maybe this is normal.

Eddie

Dina Jackson from Bundles of Love adoption agency is taking my news better than I expected. Especially given the fact that this is a private agency and she profits from people like me handing over my baby.

“I was told the father wanted no involvement with the child and would be waiving rights.” She hands me the cup of coffee I requested after practically being forced to accept something. “I'm surprised you knew how to find me.”

“It took some work.” And someone had to screw up. “But it seemed like the right thing to do, especially if things have gone forward already.”

“I'm not at liberty to give you specifics without the permission of the child's mother,” she says, “but I'm happy to help answer your more general questions.”

An older dude appears in the doorway of her office. She waves him in when she sees him.

“Eddie, this is my good friend, Henry Brown.” Dina points to an open chair in the corner of her office, and the guy sits. “I've asked him to be here because Henry works in the family court system, and he can help you better understand your…rights.”

Not a fan of the way she said the word
rights
. I glance at Henry and then back at Dina. “Okay, so I never signed the waiver of right to notice.”

“Obviously,” she says, her lips forming a thin line.

“What is my next step?”

Henry clears his throat. “Is the child's mother willing to recognize you as the father?”

I almost blurt out,
Yes, why wouldn't she?
But then I remember the lawyers' plan. “You mean officially? Like on paper?”

“Yes,” he says. “No one disputes parent names on birth certificates if both parties agree and are unmarried. We don't do paternity tests on every child born in this country.”

My stomach sinks. “She probably won't go along with it.” More like her wardens won't let her.

“Then you need to file a petition to establish paternity now,” he explains. “When the child is born, a family court judge will order the mother to allow the test to be done.”

“And then I can—”

“Assuming you're proven the father,” Dina interjects.

I restrain myself from glaring at her on Caroline's behalf. She wouldn't have said that if she were in the room. “Assuming I'm the father, then I can object to the adoption?”

Dina and Henry converse silently, and then Henry speaks up. “Establishing paternity and the right to object to adoption are two separate things.”

“But if it's my kid, she can't just let him get adopted,” I argue.

“In most states, New York included,” Henry says, “a biological connection with the child doesn't necessarily give you the right to be named the father.”

I lift my hands in the air. “Well, then what the hell does? Because I'm ready to do it.”

“Unfortunately, it might be too late,” Dina says.

My whole body is frozen in fear. How could it be too late? The kid isn't even born yet. I can't respond, and both of them must realize this, because Henry explains further.

“For example, to establish paternity in an unborn child, the court might ask if you lived with the mother for at least six months prior to birth. If you showed support during the pregnancy—financially and emotionally.”

Both of them wait for me to answer these questions. I've turned to stone. Whether from defeat or deciding that these two are not my friends. “We aren't allowed to see each other. Our parents decided that. And my family paid for all expenses, including the PI they hired to follow Caroline and make sure she didn't bring her pregnant self anywhere near me.” I toss Dina a pointed look. “And I imagine they're paying a hefty sum to your agency, through the Davenports, to make extra sure those records get sealed as tightly as possible.”

“That's not necessary,” Dina says. “As of right now, no father will be listed anywhere in the records.”

“Is that what you're really seeking?” Henry asks me. “The right to be placed on the birth certificate? Or are you seeking custody of the child?”

I hesitate, probably for too long. “Both.”

Dina Jackson opens her mouth, but Henry shakes his head. “If that's your goal, file the paternity petition in conjunction with a custody petition.”

I nod, listening carefully now that he's gone back to factual mode. “And then what?”

“You will be notified of the adoption hearing,” he says. “You'll have the right to be heard by a judge in the family court system. But I will warn you, New York rules in the best interest of the child. If the judge decides placement with the adoptive family is best for the child, then there is no further action you can take.”

“Why would they do that?” I ask. “I mean, assuming I'm not a convict or a serial killer, I'm still the father. Plenty of dads are horrible, and those kids aren't put up for adoption.” God, what would a family court judge say about my father?

“They could be if the child's mother pursued it,” Henry explains.

“Look at it from a judge's perspective,” Dina says, her voice syrupy sweet. “You're how old, Eddie? Eighteen?” I nod. “It sounds like your family isn't willing to provide you support in raising this child. Where will you live? Are you employed? Do you have health care? Do you have a plan for your child's education and religious beliefs? Having you taken parenting classes? Infant CPR?”

One of my nannies taught me infant CPR when I was really young. I wanted to play with my sister's dolls, and the nanny thought my parents would hate the idea, so she made it an educational activity.

“You think I'll lose,” I say, my voice flat.

“Winning custody is almost always unlikely in these situations,” Henry says. “Additionally, it will take at least thirty days to get to trial. During that waiting time, the child will be placed in the temporary custody of the adoptive family, assuming they don't back out as many do when fathers get involved in this manner. If there is no adoptive family and the mother isn't able or willing to care for the child until the trial, he or she will be placed in state custody until a ruling happens.”

“You mean foster care?” I say.

Henry nods. “Correct.”

Several minutes later, I'm walking outside, just a few blocks from my apartment. I don't remember much of what was said at the end of the meeting, just me promising that I would indeed be seeking a paternity suit very soon. After the foster care thing was dropped into the conversation, I couldn't process much else. One tiny baby. Two very wealthy families who have the resources to raise a baby with the best care possible. And somehow, he might end up as a ward of the state for the first month of his life.

Because of me.

That's the worst part of it. I could sign that waiver, and that would never happen. He would have a family and a home from the moment he's born.

But he could with me too.

I'm so busy freaking out, I forget that I'm supposed to meet Finley for dinner. She sends me a text, and I must sound messed up in my reply, because she tells me to stay where I am. I walk a couple blocks to a nearby park and plop down on a bench.

“What happened?” Finley is standing over me now, her hair partially blocking her face, but I can see lines of worry.

A few weeks ago, I would have played it cool, tucked the stress and drama away. But it's become easier every day, being honest with her. “I think I need a lawyer.”

Her forehead wrinkles. “That bad, huh?”

“And a house,” I add. “Definitely need a house. Plus an educational plan. And probably infant CPR again. I can't remember if it's two breaths and five compressions or one breath…”

“Okay, enough of this,” she says with a nod, and then she takes my hand and pulls me to my feet. “It's after six, so no lawyer shopping tonight. Schools are closed, real estate agents are off duty… Let's go do something normal.”

I sigh. “All this shit of mine is lacking in fun, isn't it? Not what you signed up for when you joined my beer pong team.”

“If I'm being honest,” Finley says, dead serious, “I would have picked a more skilled partner if I had the choice.”

“So what you're saying is”—I pull her against me so fast, she sucks in a breath—“you're expecting me to be good at other things?”

She opens her mouth to reply, but I cut her off, kissing her in a way that I hope shows how much I'm with her on this “let's take a break and be crazy for the night” plan.

There are too many people around. I have to put a stop to the kissing way too early. “Come on.” I step back and take her hand so we can start walking somewhere. Anywhere. “Let's go do normal.”

Normal for me must mean giving her a good once-over. She's wearing a short blue dress tonight. I lean closer, examining a white strap beneath her dress. “Is that a leotard? Have you been to dance class again?”

She laughs and lifts my chin to draw my eyes up. “Yes, I have. You caught me.”

“Five nights in a row?” I lift an eyebrow. “If I didn't know better, I'd think you were training for something.”

“It's research,” she says, but her cheeks turn pink, and her gaze drifts away from mine.

I decide to put those questions on hold for a while, right beside the lawyer and the CPR ones. I give Finley a little shove from behind, pushing her a few steps in front of me. “Walk ahead of me, and I'll pretend to follow you. I know how you're into that stuff.”

Two dudes in front of us turn around and give us this look like
what the hell?
Finley turns bright red, but she's laughing. I sling an arm around her shoulder and steer us in a different direction. It doesn't take more than a couple minutes, walking beside Fin, for my panic to subside, for me to feel better, a little less burdened. Complete distraction.

This stuff with Fin, it's all new for me. I mean, I've kissed my fair share of girls, but I haven't done any of this. Walking around aimlessly together, taking turns giving each other that sideways glance that says
Is this real? Are you really with me?
And then no matter how much you try to hide your feelings or play it cool, it's not possible.

For the tiniest, briefest moment, I regret opening the custody battle can of worms, because I would love to text Caroline right now and explain this weird moment to her. I think she would get it. I think she would like Finley a lot.

We end up eating dinner from a taco stand and shopping for something called foot thongs—yeah, I know, right?—that Fin needed for a dance class.

Neither of us brings up my meeting at the agency until we're walking back to our building, when I finally give her the brief summary of what was said.

“Does that mean you changed your mind?” she asks tentatively.

I wait for my brain to form a new answer, but it doesn't, because I didn't. “No.”

Finley

I lean over and watch Eddie working on my laptop, rewording my words. He definitely took my mission statement to a whole new level. “You're really good at this.”

“Groomed from birth, remember.” He keeps his gaze on the screen, forehead scrunched like he's thinking hard. “And my school really stressed writing.”

He is terrible at accepting compliments. Maybe he resents the way he acquired skills like good writing so much that he can't be proud of anything he's learned. I sit up on my bed and rub my sore calf muscles. “Was it all bad?”

“What?” He looks at me. “My school? Or my grooming from birth?”

“Both. Either.”

I wait for him to make a few tiny adjustments to paragraph five of my business plan, and then he answers. “When it comes down to it, I'm a privileged kid. So no, it wasn't all bad.”

I know there's much more to it than that, but I decide to leave the subject alone for now. Especially with all the stress he's been under. He met this morning with a lawyer who is going to represent him in his paternity case. We're going to my house this weekend so Eddie can look at apartments and “demonstrate his independence.”

“So the lawyer doesn't mind waiting to get paid?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Not sure. I kind of withheld those details. I figure by the time he bills me, I'll have money.” He sighs. “Basically, paying the lawyer is the least of my worries.”

I lean back against my chair, watching Eddie type. After several seconds, his hands freeze on the keys, and I figure he's about to call me out for staring at him, but then I see the chat box pop up on my laptop.

EVE NOWAKOWSKI:
Your nude photos look great!

Heat rushes to my face. Eddie turns to me, his eyebrow lifted, a grin on his face. Then, before I can stop him, he types: Send one!

I slam the computer shut and pull it off his lap. I have his full attention now.

“Nude photos?”

“Shh.” I hope Summer isn't outside my door, eavesdropping. She'd love this—for tormenting me. “It wasn't like
nude
nude, just…you know, artistically nude.”

“You're really not going to let me look?” Eddie asks. “I've already seen all of you.”

“Totally not the same.”

The shoot with Eve had been much easier than I expected. Really not a big deal at all. It's hard to explain why it felt different than taking “nude” photos, but it did. I wasn't posing for anyone in a metaphorical sense. It was more about being stripped down, being alone with yourself. It was raw, real, showing every single aspect of a dancer's moving muscles.

Eddie tugs me down beside him, causing my sweatpants to shift upward and reveal a bruise below my knee. He brushes his fingertips over it. “What happened here?”

“Street jazz.” I glance down, surprised by how big and purple it's turned. “We did a lot of chair work last night. I didn't get along with my chair.”

“Obviously.” Eddie slides down and touches his lips to my knee. Then his gaze travels to my feet. “Jesus. Is this the chair's fault too?”

My feet are pretty blistered and unattractive at the moment. “That would be the pointe shoes' fault. And Eve's, because she keeps asking me to do more shoots.”

“Guess I failed to meet her expectations,” Eddie says, faking disappointment. “She hasn't called me with more work.”

I'm about to reply with a smart-ass comment about all the work he
is
getting, but then Eddie picks up one of my feet and rubs it. I lean my head back and groan. “That feels amazing.”

He's quiet for a while, working on my feet and then moving on to the calf muscle I'd been rubbing earlier. I can tell he's retreated back inside his head where everything is complicated and heavy. I'm feeling a little bit of that weight myself, knowing I've put something in motion my dad won't approve of. If I get the green light from the bank, then I'll have to tell him.

“I have to talk to my parents,” Eddie blurts out.

I lift my head so I can see him. “We knew that already.” And he still hasn't done it.

“I mean, I really need to. The lawyer…he said I need to make sure I've expressed my desire to be a parent to enough people. And my petition for paternity and custody will go to a judge tomorrow, and it won't take long to get back to my dad's lawyer.”

I sit up again. “Great. Let's go now. I'm ready.”

He smiles, working hard to hide his nerves. “I already scheduled dinner with them tomorrow night. My sister is in town.”

I avoid asking him why he has to schedule dinner with his own family. “Does your sister know any—”

“I don't think so.” He shakes his head.

“What do you think she'll think of everything? Will she side with your parents?” I ask. I'm really curious about this sister of Eddie's.

“Hard to say.” He thinks for a minute, running a hand through his hair and making it stick up in all directions. “She wouldn't agree with all my dad's bribery and blackmailing but with letting Caroline do things her way, letting it be her decision—I think that will probably be Ruby's opinion. My parents' plan allowed for that.”

I wait for him to say more, but all he does is flash this fake grin and say, “We'll find out, I guess.” Then he nudges me onto my back again. “So when do you think you'd open the studio? Assuming everything goes through.”

“Not until next fall.” I exhale and stare at the ceiling. It's hard to wait that long. “Maybe summer as a trial program.”

“Remember,” Eddie says, planting a kiss on my collarbone, “I'm up for playing piano.”

“Guess that means I need to add a studio day care to my business plan.” I'm only joking, but he tenses.

“I didn't think about that,” he says, concern in his voice. “I have to start thinking about those things, planning for all of them.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “Clearly, I suck at this.”

“Hey, that's not what I meant.” I tug his hand away from his face and kiss him. “You'll figure it all out.”

“Hopefully.” He distracts himself by kissing me again.

My stomach flutters every time he's within my vicinity. I'm waiting for that feeling to stop—I mean, I see him all the time—but it doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. I don't remember ever being this hot for Jason. We were friends first, hanging out with our mutual friends, and then we went to a dance together and decided to experiment with making out. It didn't go terribly, so yeah. I loved calling him my boyfriend. I loved having someone to hold hands with. I loved seeing other girls envy us. Then last fall…that was all gone. And all I could think about was how to get it back.

With Eddie, I just feel hooked on him. Him talking, smiling at me. Him stretched out across my bed. Watching him play the piano—something he obviously enjoys when he allows himself to. Seeing him make plans to be a father to his kid. Making room for him in my life. I'm hooked on that more than anything else. I love making decisions for me and then watching him mold himself into those plans, like he was part of them all along. Which is the opposite of what my relationship with Eddie was supposed to be that first night I met him.

But some of the essence of that night still lingers, I think that's why he does fit in with my life. Neither of us want to change the other. We've taken each other at face value and ran with it. Which is interesting, because it's kind of the opposite of what Summer claimed I was trying to do with Eddie—change him, save him from himself. He doesn't need any of that. Neither do I.

“I feel like I'm always taking off your clothes,” Eddie whispers in my ear between kisses. “It doesn't have to be like that. We can…we can just hang out too.”

I slide his shirt off and toss it on the floor. “You don't like taking my clothes off?”

“No,” he says, then lifts his head. “I mean yes. I love it. But I'm capable of
not
doing this. Just so you know.”

He's pretty cute when he tries to be gentlemanly. Fortunately for both of us, we are on the same page when it comes to preferred free time activities.

“Noted,” I say. “I can take my own bra off.”

Eddie laughs and unhooks the clasp himself. “You're pretty cool, you know that, right?”

“Cool enough to come to your scheduled dinner? I'm an excellent dinner guest.”

His face darkens. “Look, I really think I should go alone—”

“You might think that, but it's not happening.” I press both my hands to his shoulders, forcing him onto his back. “You're just gonna have to take a leap of faith and trust me. I'm not gonna change my mind about you because of how your family acts.”

Eddie reaches up and rests a hand on my cheek. He doesn't argue further with me, which is a good sign. “Do you think—I mean…” He releases a breath and turns the full force of his very intense eyes on me. My stomach flips over. He strokes a hand over my hair. “You would know better than me, since you've done this before…”

“Done what?” I ask.

“Relationships. The longer kind. The kind that are actually a relationship.” He slides my bra strap carefully down my shoulder. “Do think we're doing okay?”

I look down at him, waiting for him to make a joke or tell me he was only kidding. But he doesn't. “I—well, yeah. I think we're doing okay.”

“Good.” He nods, relieved. “That's really good to know.”

And right then, in those seconds after seeing him so relieved by this response, I almost say,
I know we're doing okay because I'm in love
with you.

But it feels too soon, too new.