You Only Love Twice (35 page)

“I’ll go slow, give you time to adjust.” He was right there,
the broad head of his cock settling against her.

She hadn’t expected it to be so intimate. She’d thought he
would turn her over and go at it, but not her Jesse. No. He had to turn it into
something she couldn’t hide from, to make her watch as he pressed against her.
It would have been easy to let it happen, but he’d found a way to draw her in.
To bring them closer.

Pressure bit through her, but she couldn’t concentrate on
it. All she could see was his face and how their bodies connected like puzzle
pieces nestling together. Alone they were separate, functional, but incomplete.
Together their bodies seemed to become something more, something beautiful.

His jaw tightened and she gasped the moment his cockhead
breached her. A slow shudder went through him and he flushed, sweat breaking
out on his brow. “Are you all right?”

She was surprised to find she was. He was distracting her
with how gorgeous he was, but now she focused on the sensation of having him
moving inside her. Little thrusts at first, as though his hips just couldn’t
stay still a second longer. There was pressure, a feeling of fullness that
wasn’t entirely comfortable. It wasn’t painful either. She shifted to adjust
and loved the way his eyes widened as she took another inch.

“Baby, you feel so good.” He gripped her hips. “I need you
to take all of me. Take me, Phoebe.”

In a smooth glide, he entered her. His cock slid in until
there was no space between them, nothing left for her to take. He filled her,
heating her up and making her so aware of his every movement. She would have
sworn she could feel him breathing, could time her every breath to the
movements of his chest.

She was so full, but it was good. She wanted the moment to
freeze, to last. If they could just hold right here, she would stay forever.
She would be connected to him for as long as she could.

“All right, here we go.” He gave a shaky laugh, his face so
tender it made her want to cry. He might have chosen the position so he could
watch her, but it forced her to see him, too. This wasn’t mere sex for pleasure
for him. It was more. It was so much more.

She brought her hands up to cup his face, loving the way the
little bristles of his beard felt under her fingers. He would shave in the
morning and be smooth again, but it never failed. By nightfall, there was proof
of just how masculine he was. “I love you, Jesse.”

He should know. He should hear it every day from some worthy
woman, but she was the only one who was here.

“I love you, too. And I’m going to love you for the rest of
my life. I promise. Now hold on to me. Don’t let me go.” With a careful breath,
he began to drag his cock back out.

Jagged pleasure caused her eyes to widen, her breath to stop
for a moment as it overwhelmed her. She shook as he went slow, allowing her to
experience every second of sensation.

“That’s what I wanted.” The sexiest grin lit his face as he
pushed back inside her body. “Now I can do my worst. You’re going to come for
me.”

He forced her back on his cock, but she was eager for it
now. She knew what it brought and couldn’t wait for the downstroke to bring its
crazy pleasure. She tried to hold him, wanted him inside her all the time. He
let go, fucking her hard.

Time seemed to slow, giving her what she wanted. More time
with him. More connection. She held on to him, her nails sinking in, but he
didn’t seem to mind. He groaned a little then ground into her with a low growl.
Over and over he thrust and retreated, pressure and pleasure becoming one.

“Knew I wouldn’t last,” he said on a panting breath. His
thumb covered her clit and he pressed down. “Come for me, Phoebe.”

He rotated her clit and then his cock hit just the right
space. Her whole body shook under the force of her orgasm and it seemed to send
him straight into his own.

Jesse held himself tight against her and she felt the heat
of his release. When he fell forward, she wrapped her arms around him, blood
pumping through her body in a pleasant rhythm. She held him, arms and legs
tangled, stroking his hair because for the first time he was really hers.

And she was about to lose him.

His head came up and he kissed her, a light touch of the
lips. His eyes were serious as he stared down at her. “Tell me your secret.”

She nodded because it was time.

Jesse watched as she came out of the bathroom. He knew alarm
bells should have been going off. She’d dressed, putting on jeans and a
long-sleeved blouse, though she’d left off her normal makeup. Her hair was in a
conservative bun.

It looked like she’d pulled all her armor around her, ready
for his inevitable harsh rejection.

Yep, all the alarms should have been going off, but she’d
really only tripped his drama-llama alarm. He had to give it to her. His future
wife was very dramatic.

He sat on the bed as she paced and wondered if he should
look more worried. He’d never been a great actor, but he could probably pull
off more concern. Maybe he should try to rage a little at whatever the hell she
was about to tell him.

Wait. He’d just thought of something that might give him
pause. “Did you start life as a man? It’s not a deal breaker because they did a
fabulous job on that pussy. I’m serious. If that’s man-made, then bravo
medicine.”

Her jaw dropped. It was good to know he could still surprise
her. “This is serious, Jesse.”

“So not a dude?”

“No, asshole. I’m not a dude.”

“Carry on then.” He waited. It looked like he was going to
do a lot of that since she was right back to pacing.

“I’m trying to figure out how to say this.”

“Words are good.” Although if she wanted to draw it out, he
would let her. He wasn’t great at Pictionary though.

There were tears in her eyes when she looked back at him.
“Will you please stop joking?”

Damn it. He hadn’t meant to make this harder on her. He got
up and closed the distance between them. “I’m sorry. I’ll be serious.”

She didn’t push him away when he reached for her. “It’s bad.”

“Okay. Then you should just tell me. You should just get it
out.”

“I have to set it up first.” After a second, she stepped
back.

He took it as his cue to move back into “audience” mode. She
seemed to need to play out this scene, and he was going to let her. Afterward,
he would take control again and he would let her know that whatever deep dark
secret she held wasn’t going to come between them ever again. “All right. I’m
listening.”

“My husband’s name was James, Jamie. He was probably the
first real friend I ever made. There were some in a couple of the foster homes,
but mostly I tried to keep to myself. My mom OD’d when I was a kid. I spent
most of our time together taking care of her, hiding stuff from the authorities
when a teacher got suspicious. After she died, I really shut down. It wasn’t
all bad, but none of the good stuff stuck with me until I met my dad and Jamie
and Ten.”

He was curious about her background. No file could really
tell him what it was like for her. Despite the fact that he’d had a home, he’d
been as lonely as she was. “Your dad wanted to recruit you?”

“Yes, but it wasn’t as cold as it sounds. I don’t know. It’s
the same with any family. I can tell you what it was like, but only Jamie, Ten,
and I really understood. Dad wasn’t a bad man. He believed in his country and
he thought he was doing good. I think if he hadn’t taken me and Ten off the
streets, we would be dead or in jail by now. I don’t know about Jamie, but then
I’m not exactly unbiased when I talk about him. Ten thinks I put him on a
pedestal.”

“You were in love with him. You should have.” He knew deep
down that he should be jealous of this guy. Jamie Grant still had a hold on
Phoebe’s heart even after all these years. And yet he was able to summon up
nothing more than sympathy for a man who’d died. He’d died serving his country.
He didn’t want Phoebe to think less of James even if it would help his case. “I
told you. I know you’re always going to love him. I just ask that you love me,
too.”

She stopped, her eyes closing, and she took a deep breath
before she opened them again. “I do love you, Jesse Murdoch. I didn’t think I
could ever love anyone again, but I can’t deny it.”

“Then know that everything is going to be all right.”

Her eyes slid away from his as she continued. “After
college, we went into training and then we started working under my father’s
direction. I spent some time in Asia and Jamie and Ten went straight to the
Middle East. Jamie and I got married. And then my dad died and Ten took over
some of his responsibilities. Of all of us, Ten was the truly brilliant
operative. A couple of years back, he started hearing rumors about US
corporations and politicians working with hostiles in Iraq. They were after
resources and business interests, of course. It wasn’t unusual, but I started
to think that one of their payoffs was handing over troop movements and US Army
intelligence.”

That was a kick in the gut. He knew there were always people
willing to sell out soldiers for cash, but the thought of elected politicians
being involved made him pause. They had influence. They could potentially not
simply hand over Army intelligence, but actively influence Army strategy. “Did
you find the evidence?”

“We needed to move around with impunity. There were people
we needed to interview, but Iraq was a massive war zone at the time. I came up
with the idea of embedding an operative in an Army unit.”

“What?”

She nodded, resuming her pacing. “You heard me. I thought
people would talk more freely to a soldier than an operative. Some of the
people we needed to interview were soldiers themselves.”

“We didn’t like to talk to spooks.” He had an inkling of
where she was going. When had her husband died? What year? What time?

“See. I knew that. That’s exactly what I was trying to avoid
by embedding our own. And it worked. The operative hadn’t served more than a
few weeks when he came up with something.”

“Don’t call him the operative. I’m dumb, but I’m not
stupid.” The words came out harsher than he’d intended, but now that he was
here, he found himself getting emotional.

If he was right…oh, god, if he was fucking right, so much
made sense. And he had a story of his own for her.

She paled and then nodded, her movements almost robotic.
“Jamie. It was Jamie. I picked a unit that was close to the action and that
routinely patrolled some of the areas where the informants were.”

“Phoebe, was it my unit?”

“Yes.”

Jamie. Jimmy. The kid who’d joined them three weeks before
it had all gone to hell. He’d actually gone on a couple of those interviews
with him. Such a dumbass. He’d believed the story that Jimmy’s stepmother was
Iraqi and that was how he’d spoken such fluent Farsi. He’d been thrilled at the
time because they’d lost their translator. So very stupid to believe. It made
sense now. “Private James Greene. He didn’t call himself Jamie though. Jimmy.”

“It’s always good to come close to the truth,” she said in a
monotone. “That’s why I used my real first name and a close last name when I
came to McKay-Taggart. If you looked me up, you wouldn’t find the real Phoebe
Grant along with my construct and I can remember it easily.”

“He was a good soldier.” He’d been brave during the one
firefight they’d gotten into. He’d held his line and hadn’t panicked. He’d had
Jesse’s back.

“He wasn’t a soldier.”

“For those few weeks, he was. He did his job and he did it
well.” How the hell was he going to tell her what he needed to say? Now it all
made sense. At the time, it had been the mutterings of a dying man. “He didn’t
endanger us. Is that what you’re worried I’ll think?”

Her hands became fists at her sides. “I endangered you,
Jesse. It was my plan and it backfired. Somehow it got out that an operative
was coming in with information. Jamie was due to come home and he was bringing
his intelligence with him.”

“And that’s when we were captured.” The truth hit him. He’d
been captured because the Agency had been playing spy games. Phoebe had come up
with the plan. She’d pulled the trigger and he and his unit had paid the price.
“He was trying to turn the CIA agent.” Jesse couldn’t help but laugh. It was a
bitter sound. “The idiot thought it was me.”

“Yes. Maybe it was because your names were similar. You look
a little alike. Jamie always looked younger than his years, so maybe that was
the problem. You probably looked more like the age of the operative than him.
But yes, I believe the Caliph mistook you for Jamie and that was why he
tortured you.”

And she’d taken all that guilt and pain on herself. Or was
there another reason she was pulling away from him? It hurt. It was a real physical
pain to even think it. “Were you mad? Were you angry that I survived and he
didn’t?”

Her eyes slid away, focusing on the floor. “At first. At
first I believed everything they said about you.”

“You thought I turned. You didn’t realize they thought I was
Jamie.”

“I thought maybe you had sold him out.”

“I didn’t.”

“I know that now.”

And it wasn’t fair to ask her if she was happy now that he’d
survived. She couldn’t be. She could never be happy that her husband had died,
but he had to make her see that somehow, someway Jesse had survived for her.
“You didn’t sell him out either. And you didn’t sell me out. You had a problem
and you came up with a solution that made sense.”

“I came up with a solution that got everyone killed.”

“That’s what happens in war. Your husband and I both knew
the risks. We both understood going in what could happen and we made the
choice. We chose to serve, and that means we chose to die if the sacrifice must
be made. I was ready to die for my country.”

“It wasn’t your country you were going to die for. It was
some fucking businessman who wanted to make a profit.”

Finally she made some sense. “Yes. Yes, it was. So stop
blaming yourself and let’s look to finding him. Our first step is to find the
Caliph. He’ll lead us to whoever this man is. After we’re married, that is. And
I think it would be easier to do it with my team. The Agency seems to have some
problems right now.”

She stared at him for a moment. “Have you heard a word I’ve
said?”

“Yes. Is that all?”

“Isn’t it enough? Jesse, I’m the reason you were tortured.”

He managed to stifle a sigh. “No. The Caliph is the reason I
was tortured. You merely did your job. Am I surprised? Yes, and for reasons
you’ll understand in a moment, but I told you. It doesn’t matter. I love you.
I’m standing by you.”

“Why?”

“Because he gave you to me. Because I’ve searched and
searched for one good thing to come out of this, for the fucking universe to
give me a goddamn break, and I found it. It was always you, Phoebe. I went
through hell but it led me to my family and it led me to my wife. I would do it
all over again.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s my turn to talk and I’m going to tell you something I
haven’t told another soul.”

She shook her head. “Jesse, I can’t.”

“You can because I have a message for you. One man who loved
you, he gave a message to another man—a man who would come to love you.”

“Jamie? Jamie talked to you? I don’t know if I want to know.
Did he hate me for sending him there?”

“Oh, he loved you. He was in the cell next to mine and he talked
about his wife and brother. He never told me your name. Always just called you
his wife or his love. He wasn’t angry at the end, Phoebe. He tried to keep my
spirits up. He told me his brother would find us. I thought he was a little
crazy at that point. Now I know he was talking about Ten.”

“We tried.”

“Hush, he knew. He knew you and Ten were out there. He knew
you wouldn’t give up. Phoebe, the night he died he gave me a message. He was
out of it. Broken, but he said one thing. God, I wish I’d thought about it for
two seconds. You showed me those movies and now I understand. Those books, they
were your shorthand, right?”

“What?”

“He told me to find you for him and give you one message. Be
the girl who lived. He said it over and over, like a mantra. Be the girl who
lived. Harry Potter was the boy who lived, right?”

“Yes. He lived because his mother loved him so much she
protected him from real evil.”

“He loved you and he might not have known it at the time,
but he sent me to love you, too. I know that because the last words that man
said to me were take care of my girl. I thought he meant to find you, make sure
you were safe, and maybe that was all he meant, but that wasn’t what happened.”
He stepped up to her, knowing in his heart what Jamie Grant wanted for his
wife. He knew because he loved her, too, and if he’d been the other man, he
would have wanted the same thing. “He wants you to live, Phoebe, and not in
some half-assed, waiting to see him again way. He wants you to live every
moment with passion. He wants you to have a beautiful life and when it’s over,
if there’s any way for him to see you again, he will. He will wait for you and
he won’t ask you to choose between us. If there’s some magical afterlife, get
ready for a ménage because we both love you.”