You Only Love Twice (16 page)

He slid off his barstool, picked her up, and set her down.
“There. Better?”

She wiggled a little, obviously trying to find some modesty.
She finally settled on crossing her legs and looked as prim and proper as a
woman in a corset could. “Not really. You couldn’t have given me some undies?”

His cock jumped at the thought that she was sitting right
beside him and her pretty pussy was just a twist of that skirt away. “Nope. But
the fact that you didn’t try to sneak any makes me think you’re already better
at this than most of the other subs when they started.”

She straightened up. “I can follow orders when I think
they’re reasonable. Or when I think I can’t possibly get around them. I thought
about putting on some of my own underwear and then calculated the chances of
getting away with it. They weren’t good. Someone would have noticed and
according to that contract, you would have the right to spank me.”

“You liked it when I spanked you.”

“I…I…well, I was caught off guard and I don’t know how I
felt about it. Seriously, can I get a drink?”

She could have stayed upstairs. There was still a bottle of
wine left over. She wasn’t down here to drink. She was down here because she
was curious.

He caught Mike’s attention. “Can I get the lady a piña
colada?”

She shook her head. “I would prefer a vodka tonic.”

He frowned. “Really?”

“Sweetie, you might be able to drink those three thousand
calorie drinks all day long and still look like a Greek god, but I can’t.”

Mike started making her drink but it bugged Jesse. “You’re
beautiful, Phoebe. You don’t have to change a thing.”

Her hand slid over his. “I know you feel that way. It’s one
of the things I actually really like about the men at the office. Not a one of
you has a thing for stick-thin women. But I have to stay in shape. However, if
you want to tell me I’m pretty again, I won’t hold it against you.”

“You’re gorgeous, baby.” He took a long sip of his drink.
“Why are you here?”

She accepted her drink with a polite “thank you” before
turning back to Jesse. “I’m curious. I shouldn’t be. If you asked a few months
ago what I thought of this lifestyle, I would have said it was abusive.”

“That’s because you were ignorant about it.”

“There is that,” she conceded. “I was also afraid of it. I
thought there was one way to love and be loved and I’d found it. My husband was
very gentle with me, very protective. I couldn’t quite get the two ideas to
mesh in my head.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I don’t know that it has. Not the intolerance part. I get
that it’s not abusive. It’s a form of communication in the end. It’s a way for
partners to state what they want in an environment that won’t judge them. I
don’t hate that. I just don’t understand why you can’t just make love. Why does
there have to be all the other stuff involved?”

At least they were talking about it now. Before, she would
always change the subject, and he’d gotten the idea that she would never be
interested and any sex life they had would be vanilla. He could have handled
it, but they could be so much more. “I know what you’re saying. I kind of
thought the same things when I hired on and Big Tag insisted I come to Sanctum.
I didn’t get why I had to wear a set of leathers and spank some chick in order
to be on his team.”

“And I would be surprised if you handled it well. How could
you accept some woman calling you Master after what you went through?”

It was a reasonable question, though he winced a little at
her tone. Patience. He hadn’t understood at first either. “It’s just a word,
Phoebe. It has the power we give it. That’s what I learned from here. I learned
that whatever happens between two consenting adults isn’t wrong. I still won’t
do any blood play or knife play. That bothers me, but that’s okay, too. Sanctum
is a place where I can just be me and no one judges me. They accept me. Big Tag
brings us all here because this place, this life, binds us together. It makes
us a family.”

He could have sworn he saw a sheen of tears in her eyes
before she covered them with a shake of her head and a bright smile. “Okay. I
can understand the beauty of that. So what do we do, Sir?”

That got his motor running triple time. “Phoebe, you
understand there doesn’t have to be anything sexual about play, right?”

“I understand the theory behind it. It can be about
exploration and relaxation. Most club encounters don’t end in sexual
intercourse. Although Simon tried to make me think yours do.”

“I have never had sex with a submissive at this club.”

“Why?”

“Because they weren’t mine. Because my heart was engaged
somewhere else.”

Her eyes closed briefly as if she was in pain. When she
opened them again, she put a hand over his. “Jesse, I don’t know what I can
offer you. I know I would like to try this thing with you. I know I enjoyed
that moment in your office before you were a complete douchebag and ruined
everything.”

Well, at least she called it like she saw it. “I’ll try not
to be a douchebag again.”

“I’m still leaving at the end of this assignment. I have to
get back to my real life.”

He wasn’t sure why her real life had to be thousands of
miles away from him, but he didn’t want to argue with her tonight. She was
here. She was bending. He wasn’t going to make her break. “Then we should set
the parameters. You’ve given me yours; I’ll give you mine. Just for the night.
Anything else, we discuss as it comes up, but you have to talk to me, Phoebe.
This doesn’t work in any way if you think I can read your mind.”

“It’s hard to talk about,” she admitted. “My husband and I
were very young. We just kind of went with the flow, if you know what I mean.”

“I take this seriously. I take you seriously, and that means
I can’t go with the flow. The flow often leads to misunderstandings, and I
don’t want that. Tonight, I’m in charge. You’re going to obey me or we go
upstairs and we play games for the rest of the night. I’m willing to be patient
with you.”

“I don’t know that we have time for patience.” She shook her
head. “I’ve thought about this for days. I want to explore this with you. I
read the contract. I’m actually quite good at following orders. I also
understand that I should have a safe word.”

He could make that easy on her. “Tonight your safe word is
no. You tell me to stop and I do. You see something that flips a trigger and we
sit down and talk about it. I’m in charge, but my main goal is to see that
you’re safe and happy. That’s all I want for you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for
you.”

Her hand found his again. It seemed easier for her every
time she took it. “You’re a good man, Jesse Murdoch.”

“I’m glad you think so. I know I’m not as strong as the
other guys.”

“What? That’s ridiculous. You are the strongest man I’ve met
and I won’t hear anything else. And that’s a…what do you call it…a hard limit
for me. I think you’re wonderful and I won’t hear you say anything
differently.” She bit her bottom lip and her eyes narrowed. “Hey, do I get to
spank you when you talk bad about yourself?”

“I am a really good man. Strong. I’m so strong.” A light
happiness filled him. Doms could learn things, too.

She finished her drink and slid off the barstool, holding
out her hand. “Show me around?”

He pushed his glass away and entangled his hand in hers.
“Sure.”

He wanted to show her everything. If they had so little
time, he was going to make the most of it.

* * * *

The only time her hands stopped shaking were when they were
in Jesse’s. Phoebe stood close to him and watched as Jacob Dean used a paddle
on his wife’s backside. She gasped with every smack, but there was no way to
miss how Serena’s skin flushed and her eyes dilated in what looked like pure
pleasure.

Adam Miles stood to the side, watching indulgently. There
was a plush robe in his hands, ready for Serena when she was through with her
scene.

Jesse stepped aside, allowing a woman to move through the
crowd. It put him behind her. She couldn’t see him. Just as she was about to
turn and move to be close to him again, his arm wrapped around her from behind,
pulling her against his body.

Safe. She was safe again. She let her head rest back on his
chest.

The last several days had been a mixture of heaven and hell.
Heaven was waking up to find herself in his arms, snuggled close and warm. Hell
was realizing that her brain hadn’t even tried to fool her. She’d known it was
Jesse who held her so close. Years of dreaming of Jamie, of holding on to that
moment right as she woke up when she could fool herself that he was still with
her, that her nightly visits with him were real, and a couple of days close to
Jesse had erased them.

Guilt seemed to be her best friend. Grief had taken that
role for so long that the guilt was almost a welcome change. Grief gave her no
reprieve. Guilt would flee for a while. It gave her moments where she forgot to
feel bad. She’d spent whole days with Jesse, cooking and talking and playing
games, and it would only hit her at certain moments. She would be laughing and
getting close to him because her body seemed magnetized when he was around. She
would find herself reaching for him or turning her face up to his, their mouths
so close together. That was when guilt came back with a vengeance.

“Do you see how careful he is with her?” Jesse whispered,
his breath warm against her ear. “It sounds like he’s really giving it to her
hard, but he’s actually going easy on her. He spreads out the smacks, giving
her time to rest before he goes at it again. It’s all about sensitizing her
skin, flooding her system with arousal.”

His voice was getting her aroused. He’d been explaining
scenes to her, but not in an academic way. Jesse talked about feelings and what
the Dom was trying to achieve. They’d watched several scenes and Jesse had
explained how the implements of “torture” were really there for the
submissive’s pleasure.

The one time he’d spanked her, she’d had the orgasm of a
lifetime shortly afterward. Could she shove her guilt aside long enough to try
again? This time it wouldn’t end in the building being invaded. This time she
would make sure Jesse got something out of it, too.

She just wasn’t sure what. She’d never taken the lead when
it came to sex. She’d just been happy to please Jamie and get a little
something in return. Jamie’s arms around her had seemed like the best thing in
the world, the only feeling she needed out of sex.

Damn but she wanted that fire Jesse had introduced her to.
She craved it, and being close to the man who had given it to her had just made
things worse. She might have been able to forget it if he wasn’t always there,
always tempting her by taking his shirt off and smiling that insanely gorgeous
smile of his.

“Ah, I think they’re done,” Jesse whispered. “They’ll be in
a privacy room before you can blink.”

Sure enough, Adam was right there, wrapping the robe around
his wife’s body and lifting her into his arms. Jake grabbed his kit, shoving
the paddle inside, and then he was racing after them, the eager look on his
face making Phoebe tear up.

They were alive. They were in love. God, she missed that.

“You had enough? We could go back to the bar,” Jesse
offered, moving to her side again now that the scene was over.

She wasn’t ready to go back. If they went back to the bar,
the evening would be over and they would eventually go upstairs and turn off
the lights and she would lie there wishing for something she shouldn’t, feeling
alone and guilty.

“Can we watch Ian?” The big guy seemed to be getting something
ready. He’d walked up on stage and started moving equipment around. Charlotte
stepped up on stage with him. She looked surprisingly innocent in her modified
fet wear. She wore a long skirt, but her breasts were covered with a leather
bra. Her belly was on full display and her hand seemed drawn to it. She was
always resting her hand there as though she found it soothing to make the
connection. She smiled brightly at her husband, who frowned her way.

“Sure. He’s doing a demo tonight,” Jesse explained. “Though
it looks like he won’t be using his wife. This is what we like to call an extra
scene. It’s one the Dom didn’t really see coming.”

She loved how open and happy he looked. He was smiling and
relaxed, like he’d been before her secret had come out, except there was really
nothing between them, no wall of untruth to hold her back. Just that guilt
creeping back in the happier she felt.

“What do you mean you’re not using me?” Charlotte Taggart’s
words rang through the dungeon.

“I already told you I’m using another sub, one who isn’t
pregnant with my child.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine, Ian. The baby is fine.”

He turned back to his wife. “I told you I won’t risk you
going back into the hospital.”

“The doctor said the possibility of that is very low.”

“The doctor can bite my ass.” He leaned over and Phoebe
could only barely hear him. “The doctor has never had to mourn you, Charlie. So
no. This is simply an exhibition. I took a class and I would like to practice
and see if anyone else wants to learn how to do this. If they do, I’ll bring in
an instructor. There is nothing intimate or personal about this scene. However,
if your jealousy is so great you can’t allow me to even perform an exhibition
on another person, I’ll skip the scene.”

She had to admit that Taggart had the intimidation thing
down. She wasn’t sure what she would do if she were in Charlotte Taggart’s
shoes. Charlotte merely rolled her eyes. “You are such a drama llama. Fine. But
I get to pick your partner.”

“Drama llama?” Taggart’s jaw had dropped a little. “You do
know I’m more like an elephant. I never fucking forget. The minute that boy is
born, your ass is mine. I’ve got a list of punishments that will make your head
spin.”