You Only Love Twice (20 page)

“You see the mask he wants you to see.” A chill went through
Jesse’s system. How did he make them understand? “I know what he was trying to
do with me. He was trying to break me down. To utterly strip me of everything
that made me Jesse Murdoch. He would tell me that what I thought was me was
really just a mask. The real me was underneath and must be hidden to everyone
but my brothers. He was our father, the one who made us see the truth.”

“Who were your brothers?” Tag asked, his voice deep.

“I don’t know. I didn’t meet them. He promised me a family
if I just gave over to him. If I could drop the false persona forced on me by
the superficial Western devils, I could find my real family. It all sounded
more reasonable when there was heroin in my system. Now it sounds like a load
of bullshit, but with the heroin it really does make sense.”

“Don’t joke about it,” Phoebe said, sounding emotional for
the first time.

“Why not? When you think about it, it’s kind of funny.”
They’d tried to train him like a dog. Called him a dog.

“Gallows humor,” Tag said with a faint smile. “Chicks don’t
understand it. I could have told the fucker your skull’s too thick to shove
that shit through. He knew how to get to you, though. He knew what buttons to
push.”

“Yeah, like you did.”

If Tag was offended, he didn’t show it. “It was obvious you
wanted a place to belong. I simply gave it to you.”

And he would be forever grateful. “You gave me a family,
Tag.”

“Yeah, which is why no matter what happens, your ass is not
going back to Wyoming. So what would we look for? You’re the expert here,
Murdoch. We’re going to follow your lead.”

Ten nodded in agreement. “I’ll open my files. See what you
think. There are psych assessments in there. I’m using my authority to give you
eyes only clearance. Do you understand?”

“Don’t talk about anything I read in those files. Got it.”
He was surprised that Ten would offer to let him look at the files. “The last
thing I expected to get was top secret clearance.”

Ten stared at him for a moment before speaking. “I was wrong
about you. I was angry with you about…”

Phoebe slapped her hand against the desk. “Tennessee!”

“No. I’m telling him because you won’t. Damn it, Phoebe.
This is not some secret to hoard. You think you can bring him back if you don’t
tell anyone? You think you can make all this less real if we don’t talk about
it? I’m your brother and I was his brother, and I am not going to keep quiet
anymore. I’m not going to hide and pretend like it didn’t happen.”

“I can’t believe you would do this.” She stood and after a
second, stalked out of the room.

What the hell was that about? “Does this have something to
do with her husband?”

“It has to do with Jamie and you deserve to know the truth.
You deserve to know why I hated you for so long.”

“Do you hate me now?” He hadn’t liked the look on Phoebe’s
face as she’d left the room. It had been a punch in the gut. Whatever Ten was
going to tell him meant the world to her.

Ten shook his head. “I was irrational. You’re not the man I
thought you were.”

He wanted to know. It was an ache in his gut. The truth was
right there. He would know why the Agency had it in for him. And knowing would
hurt her. She didn’t belong to him. She didn’t want to. It was all right to
choose himself over her. It was logical. He couldn’t do it.

“Don’t say another word, please. If me being in the dark
brings her peace, then I don’t need to know.”

“You have the right.”

“Does it affect this operation? Will me not knowing
potentially hurt someone?”

Ten shook his head. “No.”

“Then let it lie. It’s enough to know this bad blood between
us can be over.” He looked at the door where Phoebe had disappeared. “You
should go talk to her. Tell her I didn’t want to know. I don’t want her to feel
bad.”

“What happened between the two of you?” Ten asked, standing
up. “I know it’s none of my business, but it’s obvious something went wrong.
She wasn’t comfortable with you and she always is.”

“It just didn’t work out.” God he ached, but he’d learned
not to let it show.

“She hurt you,” Ten said.

“How do you know I didn’t hurt her?”

“Because I’ve come to know you and you wouldn’t hurt her to
save yourself. Damn it. She might not understand it, but you’re good for her.
She needs you.”

Jesse shook his head. “She doesn’t. She needs him. She loves
him. There’s no place for me.”

“I’m sorry, Jesse. She’s going to regret it in the end. I’ll
go talk to her.” He reached into a briefcase and pulled out the files. “I was
going to have you look at them even before you figured it out. You’re a good
operative, Murdoch. I would be proud to have you on my team.”

“You would be dead because you’re not poaching anyone else,”
Tag swore.

Ten gave him a little salute. “I’ll remember that. Go over
those files with Murdoch for me.”

“Does that mean I’ve got my clearance back?” Tag asked.

“You never lost it,” Ten admitted. “I never took you off. I
always hoped we could work something out. Now I hope I can make my sister see
reason. I always was an optimist.”

Ten closed the door behind him.

“You okay?” Tag asked as he divided up the files

He was hollowed out. He was empty. “I’m good.”

“That’s what I like about you, Murdoch.” Tag handed him half
the files and they got to work. “No matter what, you say you’re good. Just know
we’re here for you. All of us. If you need to talk, I got Alex on speed dial.”

That was his boss. The good thing was, he wasn’t much of a
talker so he and Big Tag could get along. “I’d rather you just got me a beer.”

Tag slapped him on the shoulder. “You’re my favorite. I’ll
be right back. We’re getting this solved, Jesse. And if you want my two cents,
she’s an idiot. I’ll get us both a beer and we can figure out which one of
these boys is a crazy asshole who we’re going to take out a little rage on.”

He stepped out of the room and Jesse stared at the door. He
was damn glad that he still had his family. He was glad he’d done his job and
he didn’t need to leave.

But the most important door had closed, too, and he was
fairly certain Phoebe wouldn’t open it again.

* * * *

Phoebe couldn’t breathe. She tried to but then she would
think about the fact that there was no way Jesse didn’t hate her now. He would
loathe her. The only man alive she’d made love with and he was going to hate
her because Ten had decided he wasn’t the enemy.

She knew he wasn’t the enemy. She’d known it for a long
time, but that didn’t mean he had to know everything. God, she couldn’t be with
him. She knew that now. She’d wrecked him the night before and she hadn’t meant
to. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jesse more than she had. She’d
made every mistake she could with him. She didn’t even deserve a chance to
apologize, though she’d hoped to try.

What would she apologize about? She would have to pick from
a long list.
I’m sorry I lied about my identity. I’m sorry I planted bugs
in your apartment and let my brother spy on you. I’m sorry I ruined last night.

I’m sorry I’m the one who came up with the plan that
ruined your life, killed my husband, and still tortures you to this day.

He would be right to hate her.

She felt like she was twelve again and being kicked out of
yet another home. She could still hear the voices of the bad foster parents
telling her there was something wrong with her, that she ruined everything. All
these years later and she could still hear them when she couldn’t even remember
the names of the ones who had been kind to her. There had been several. Men and
women who had helped but for one reason or another, she’d had to leave those
homes, too.

“Phoebe!”

She picked up the pace, not wanting to deal with Ten. She
flew up the stairs. He didn’t understand. Ten didn’t love anyone. Not really.
Oh, she knew he loved her as much as Ten could possibly love someone. Ten was
funny and fierce and so guarded. She knew he would kill or die for her, but why
couldn’t he keep one damn secret?

She managed to get to her bedroom. To the room where she’d
made love with Jesse. She wasn’t about to fool herself. It hadn’t been sex, and
that made it so much worse. It had been the best night of her life and just for
a moment, she hadn’t been able to remember what Jamie looked like. It had been
just a second, but Jesse had clouded her vision, her heart, to the point that
Jamie had been lost again, and she couldn’t allow that to happen. If she lost
Jamie, he would really be gone forever.

She started to shut the door but a cowboy boot got in the
way.

“Hey, I need to talk to you.”

“Go away.” She pushed on the door.

Ten proved he was stronger. He simply pushed back and the
door came open. “Are we pretending to be obnoxious teenagers again? What the
hell was that scene downstairs?”

Nope. He wouldn’t understand. She loved her brother but he
had all the sensitivity of a rhinoceros. He was wrong about Tag making him look
good. “I would like you to leave.”

He closed the door behind him. “Phoebe, what the hell is
going on with you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just want a new
assignment.” She had to deal with the fact that not only was Ten her brother,
he was her boss. He controlled the only part of her life that held any meaning
now. “I would really like to go back to Virginia.”

His face went stony. “No.”

“No? What do you mean no?” He couldn’t just say no.

“I mean I’m not sending you back to Virginia. You would be
right back where you started. You would sit in that house and you would mourn
him and let your life waste away. I will not be a party to that.”

She could concede on that point, but she had another plan
ready. “Fine. Send me back to Asia. I’m sure you need someone over there with
my skills.”

“Where you can waste your life pretending to be someone
else?” Ten stepped into the room, his eyes going straight to the bed. There was
no way he could miss the rumpled sheets or the damn condom wrapper on the
nightstand. Why hadn’t she gotten rid of that? She’d been running late this
morning and she hadn’t cleaned up anything but herself. Ten picked up the
wrapper, holding it up. “Goddamn it, Phoebe.”

Shit. She didn’t need his judgment. “That’s none of your business.”

“Everything you do is my business.”

Embarrassment flashed through her system. When had Ten
started acting more like her dad than her brother? “Ten, it didn’t mean
anything. It was a mistake.”

He shook his head and tossed the wrapper in the trash.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say. And that’s exactly why I won’t put you
back into active duty.”

“What do you mean? Are you that angry that I cheated on
Jamie.”

“You can’t cheat on Jamie.” Ten’s hands fisted at his sides.
“Jamie is dead. Jamie is buried and he ain’t coming back. I’m benching you
because you want to join him, because you are actively seeking to kill yourself
and I won’t be a part of it. I won’t. I will not bury another sibling.”

She couldn’t blame him for thinking that way, but he had to
see that she needed to work. “I’m not being reckless, Ten.”

He started to pace, a sure sign that he was upset. “No?
You’re being stupid if you really think sleeping with a man who obviously
adores you is a mistake. You should have been purring in his lap this morning,
but you barely looked at him. I knew something was wrong with the two of you. I
thought you’d had a fight, but that isn’t what happened. You didn’t fight. You
fucked and then you felt guilty. What did you do? Throw him out?”

“No. I locked myself in the bathroom. When I came out, he’d
moved into the other room.” She could still hear him promising not to bother
her, swearing he wouldn’t touch her again if she would just stop crying. He’d
said he couldn’t stand to hear her cry.

“You are being a fool. That boy would do anything for you.”

Tears clouded her eyes. “He’s wonderful, but I can’t. I’m
not ready.”

“And you’ll never be ready because you refuse to let go.” He
took a deep breath and stepped toward her. “You have to know he wouldn’t want this
for you. Jamie wouldn’t want you to go through this. He would want you to be
happy.”

“Then he shouldn’t have died.” The old bitterness welled up.
Sometimes she just ached for him but she also had moments when she hated the
universe and everything in it for being alive when he was dead.

She’d forgotten the ache and pain while she’d been in
Jesse’s arms. For just a second, she’d been alive again and the world held
potential.

“If you had been the one to die, would you want him to go on
without you? Would you want him to ache for the rest of his life?”

Why couldn’t he understand? “I loved him. How can you want
me to forget him?”

“Because you have a life to live. Because you’ll have more
years without him than you ever had with him and you have to move on. You can’t
live every one of those years in mourning. I miss him, too. I have to move on
or I’ll go crazy. Don’t you remember all the things you wanted out of life? You
wanted to be a mom.”

“I wanted to have Jamie’s baby.”

Ten stopped in front of her. “That is no longer an option
and it’s such a fucking shame because I think you would have been a great mom.
I know this sounds so stupid, but I wanted that family, too. I wanted you and
Jamie to breed like rabbits and get out of the service. I wanted you two in that
big house Dad left us, raising babies and horses and having a good life. When I
used to think about why I do what I do, it was always so you and Jamie could be
happy and safe and so that I could go to your place for Thanksgiving and be
weird Uncle Ten who likes to hold babies and play catch with the kids.”