You Should Smile (17 page)

“What’d he say?”

“Well, honestly, he let me have it at first,” he laughed.  “I was gonna tell him the truth about us, but he cut me off as soon as I started and said he already knew because we were so obvious….like a ‘homo hiding as an anti-gay preacher’ is how he put it….”  Thad shook his head, smiling.  “Then, he said he thought my pushing you away was dumb as shit.…and kept calling me ‘numbnuts’…” Thad laughed harder.  “Who the fuck says that anymore?  Anyway, then he gave me some really good advice, which has been running around in my head ever since…..I get it now.” 

I looked up to him and met his eyes, waiting for him to elaborate.

Thad sat up in the bed, eyes full of amusement.  “The conversation went something like this…” 

He then attempted to do his best Dramatic Grant impression: 

“‘Listen, I watched her drink herself into oblivion a few summers back over that Jeremy fuck and her best friend because she felt abandoned by those closest to her….And now, the one person she needs the most is doing again, just in a different way….So maybe you think you’re doing the right thing by letting her go, but Shay needs someone to fight
for her
for once, numbnuts.’” 

I was smiling, trying not to laugh.  “That was a really good impression.  Scary good, actually.”

He grinned.  “Thanks.  I’ve been practicing.”

I hugged him tightly.  “I hate it when that drama queen is right.”

He squeezed me back.  “Yeah, he’s smarter than he looks.”

“Let’s don’t ever tell him, though,” I pleaded.

“God no.  We’d never hear the end of it.”  Grin.

***************

I smiled and moved my head directly over his heart, just so I could hear its rhythm. 

“Any more questions?”  he prompted.

I thought long and hard.  “I don’t think so, but you have to promise me that if we’re gonna run across someone somewhere that you banged, and you know they’re gonna be there, you just give me a head’s up….or if you think of something important about yourself that I don’t know….just fill me in.  You’re like a jack-in-the-box sometimes, something jumping out at me when I least expect it.  Jack-in-the-boxes are freaky.”

He laughed.  “Deal.  No jack-in-the-boxes…”  He paused.  “My turn.  What about your relationships?”

“Well, in college, I’d only been with that guy.  When I got to grad school, though, I dated two guys that first year.  They weren’t one-night stands, but I wasn’t picking out rings, either.  I mean, I had my fun. Then, I met Jeremy and thought about a long-term future.  It took me two years to get over what they did to me, though.  I drank way too much that summer and spent those next two years avoiding every guy I saw.  I finally started dating Pete last year because he was boring and safe…..SO….I guess that makes….” I held up my fingers and counted – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.  I pointed at him when I got to the ‘6’. 

“See, I’m still counting on two hands, Pickup Grinner,” I teased.  I leaned up and kissed the hard lines of his flexed jaw.  “Loosen up, cowboy,” I whispered.  “You’re always grinding your jaw when you’re uncomfortable or pissy.”

He smiled, seemingly reluctantly.  “I know I asked, but I regret it already.  I don’t want to think about you having sex with anyone else…”

I started laughing.  I couldn’t help it.  It was good to know I wasn’t the only one with that problem. 

His face got serious.  “I’m glad you’re so amused, Smiles.  I’ll tell you this, though.  I hope I’m the last goddamn finger you ever hold up…...”

After that night, Thad said he couldn’t stay away from me anymore.  He tried to apologize for being weak, and for what could happen to me, but I told him that I knew what I was getting into and was willing to risk it.  It was true.  I was willing to risk everything for him.  I didn’t care about the consequences.  I didn’t care about Gina.  I didn’t care about my dissertation.  I didn’t care about my reputation.  I just didn’t want to be without him anymore.

There was no use in trying to fight what we had between us.  It was more powerful than our collective willpower would ever be.  We were “together” in every sense of the word, except in any professional setting.  While we were at school or at any public function, we tried to act as mere professor and student.  Basically, we were counting down the days until I could defend my dissertation and we could finally be out in the open.  We didn’t have too much longer to go.  My defense was scheduled for the end of that spring semester. 

You know when you’re watching a movie and it’s been building up to a certain climax the entire time?  You can tell when that point is near.  You’re just waiting for the resolution to occur.  My story would build up to the defense of my dissertation.

That entire spring semester, Dr. Hanover’s demeanor toward me became even more concerning.  He began touching me more often – on the shoulder, on the knee as I sat across him, on the hip as he walked behind me.  The innuendos and topics of conversation were becoming much more sexually themed.  I’d never spoken to him about my personal life, but he was always asking about it.  I tried to dodge those questions as best I could, steering the conversation elsewhere each time.  I didn’t want him knowing any more about me than absolutely necessary.  Still, I told no one.  I couldn’t tell Thad.  I knew he’d go crazy.  I don’t know why I didn’t tell anyone else.  I should have.  I think I thought I could survive it until the dissertation was over.  I was also afraid no one would believe me.

***************

The night before my scheduled defense, Dr. Hanover set up a last-minute meeting in his office.  He said he wanted to “go over some things for tomorrow.”  He set it for 8:00 p.m., which seemed late, but I didn’t question it at the time.

“Sit down, Ms. Elliott.  Please.  I want to talk to you about your defense tomorrow.”  He walked over and locked the door behind us.  I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. 

“Okay,” I stammered, waiting.

“I’ve been thinking about how we can go about this….” He smiled at me and I cringed.  His smile was hideous to me now.  “You’re a smart girl who’s also beautiful….You think I don’t know how you’ve been using that to your advantage with Dr. Reeding?” 

I was stunned.  What the hell?  I sat up in my chair and started to reply, but he cut me off.

“I saw you all at Moe’s last semester in the hallway.  It’s clear that you have no problem with using your body to get what you want, Ms. Elliott.  I’ve tried being subtle with you and it’s gotten me nowhere.”

I thought back to that time at Moe’s.  He had seen us. 

“I’m going to make this easy for you to understand.  If you want to pass your defense tomorrow, you’ll have to do a little something for me, too.  If you refuse, you’ll fail your defense.  If you try to report this, I’ll tell everyone what I saw with Dr. Reeding.  Your career will be over before it even started.”

He grinned the creepiest grin and my stomach hurled.  I was going to throw up.  This couldn’t be happening.  No.

He got up from his desk and walked behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders, trying to massage them.  I didn’t even consider it for one second.  Flinching at his disgusting touch, I jumped up out of my chair, shaking with anger.  “You fucking pervert!  This is sexual harassment.  You can’t do this!  What kind of person are you?” 

He smirked.  “I don’t see what the problem is.  You’re okay with doing it for Dr. Reeding.  What did he promise you in return?.....I’m offering you an easy choice here.  If you tell anyone, I’ll not only make sure everyone knows about the two of you, but I’ll also deny it.  I’ll tell them you propositioned me and went ballistic when I refused.  Perhaps
you
came on to
me
because you weren’t prepared for the defense of your dissertation.  Think about it – a grad student carrying on a sexual relationship with another committee member also propositions her advisor in return for passing her defense.  Who are they going to believe?  Me or you?…..So, how about it?  Would you like to reach an agreement?”

He was actually blackmailing me – and using my relationship with Thad to help him do it.  I was sick, physically and emotionally sick.  No matter how you looked at it, I was totally screwed. 

It was an easy decision, though.  “Fuck you, asshole,” I sputtered and ran out. 

I didn’t know what to do after I ran off, though.  Normally, I’d talk to Thad, but I knew that he’d literally kill Hanover – kill him.  Our relationship wasn’t likely to flourish if he was in jail.  Grant.  I could go see Grant….

***************

I ran all the way to Grant’s apartment, crying.  Thankfully, he was there alone.  “Princess, what’s wrong?  Are you and Thad okay?”

I nodded my head, but couldn’t talk.  All that came out was a jumble of words that made no sense.  “Hanover…..”  hiccup, “Pervert”,  sniffle, hiccup, “Knows about Thad”……. “Propositioned me…” sniffle, “Fail defense now”….. “Can’t tell Thad…”  Thanks to that awful drunken summer, Grant had learned to decipher my crazy crying language.  

“Okay, Hanover knows about you and Thad and so he propositioned you?  Fail defense?”  His brows furrowed as he tried to decode, then it hit him.  “He said he’d fail you if you didn’t do something for him?....And you’re afraid to tell Thad because lord knows that boy will go all sorts of crazy shit bonkers on Hanover…”

I nodded dramatically as he deciphered.  “He said he’d tell everyone if I reported it…..that I came onto
him
….. like I did with Thad!”  More crying.

“Oh shit, Princess.  This is bad.  What the fuck?!  Let’s think this through.  You’ve got to file a sexual harassment grievance.  You have to.  He’ll do it again to someone else....It’s too late to do it tonight and you can’t do it
before
your defense tomorrow morning.  That’ll just play right into his plan of making it look like you came onto him the night before and he turned you down.  If he’s as diabolical as he sounds, then he’ll still fail you tomorrow….but maybe not.  Maybe he’ll chicken out….”  He sat down on the couch and thought some more.  “You should file it tomorrow afternoon, afterwards.  It’ll still look bad, Princess, especially if you fail.  You’re basically calling his bluff right now…..Fuck.” 

I listened to his advice and nodded.  I had to handle this through the proper channels.  I had to put aside my pride and all other fears and do this because it was the right thing to do.  Heroines in movies wouldn’t hesitate to fight the powers that be in search of justice, right?  Yet heroines in movies never had to watch videos of Anita Hill being skewered by a congressional committee and branded, for life, by even the most seemingly rational people, as a vindictive liar.  It was the horrific reaction to the Anita Hills of the world that kept women from speaking up about harassment.  No one wanted to be put in that position.  The question was, was it worth it?  I knew I had no choice.  It would have to be worth it.

I texted Thad that night and told him I was staying at my place, doing last minute preparation.  I told him I was nervous about tomorrow, which was true.  He understood.  

The next morning, I tried to walk into my dissertation defense with my head held high.  I glanced around at my five-person committee and briefly met Thad’s eyes.  There were so many things I wanted to tell him, to say to him, to explain, but I couldn’t.  I wished he could read my mind, but I also knew that he wouldn’t be able to control his rage if he found out, either.  That was the very last thing we needed.  I finally met the eyes of Dr. Kyle Hanover and prepared for one of the worst moments of my life.

It soon became clear that the entire thing was a set-up.  Dr. Hanover had rigged it so that it would be impossible for me to pass.  He started firing questions off at me that were never on our discussion list.  Your advisor works with you to prepare for the defense and, usually, his/her job is to guide the committee along using those questions.  The other members can then ask their own questions, but the advisor is the person who sets the tone for the entire defense.  The other committee members had no idea how we’d prepared for the defense.  All they saw was that I wasn’t able to answer these basic questions from my own advisor.  I looked completely unprepared and incompetent.  I tried to answer their questions as best I could.  Thad had already told me that he wasn’t going to ask any questions.  Just in case, he didn’t want there to be any questions about him affecting the outcome.  As Hanover continued to pepper me with questions about sources he knew I’d never read, though, I noticed Thad’s jaw starting to tense up.  Thad kept glancing at Hanover with a strange look on his face.  Hanover ignored him, continuing to make me look like a fool.  Halfway through, I knew it was no use.  From the committee’s perspective, I looked like I deserved to fail my defense.

My heart hurt as I left the room, waiting on the final decision, but knowing already what it would be.  He’d played his game brilliantly because now he had witnesses to my presumed incompetence.  I would look even worse filing a grievance now.  

Dr. Hanover finally came out, sneering.  “Well, Ms. Elliott, unfortunately, it appears that you have failed.  The committee members voted four-to-one to fail you because you were unprepared and unfocused.  Only Dr. Reeding voted in your favor.  Wonder why??”  He laughed derisively.  Then he lowered his voice to a whisper. “Perhaps if you’d properly cooperated yesterday, you wouldn’t be in this predicament.”

I met his gaze and held my chin up.  I was about to tell him that I’d fight him to the end, but then I remembered his threat about telling anyone.  It’d buy me some time, at least, if he didn’t know my intentions yet.  I said nothing.  I just turned and walked away. 

I spent the next three hours avoiding Thad’s texts asking me what the hell happened in there.  I left my apartment, afraid he’d show up demanding to talk.  I spent the time at a nearby coffee shop filling out sexual harassment grievance papers instead.  My heart sank when I read which department oversees complaint filings – Human Resources.  Of course. 

After I finished filling out the paperwork, I headed to the Human Resources office to file it.  I prayed in my heart I wouldn’t see Gina, or that she would even be aware of my grievance.  It’s a huge university, right?  Surely the Director of HR had better things to do than come across grievances filed by grad students. 

I handed the papers to the secretary and she smiled kindly, looking it over.  She asked me to wait as she assigned a case number to it.  I stood there as she filled out some form and attached it to the complaint. 

“Thank you, ma’am,” she said.  “Someone from your Dean’s office will be in touch within twenty-four hours, okay?” 

“Okay, thank you.” 

I turned and began walking out the door.  I stepped just outside the HR office when I saw her from afar – Gina.  She was walking my way.  I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.  It was too late, anyway.  She clearly saw me walking out of her office.

As quickly as my feet would take me without actually running, I turned and sped the opposite direction, all the while knowing that she’d put two-and-two together.  She’d ask her secretary why I was there and she’d see the complaint – and then she’d know that I was a graduate student.  It wouldn’t take much detective work to then figure out who was on my committee and the truth about my relationship with Thad would be exposed.  She’d seen me in his t-shirt inside his house, for fuck’s sake. 

My heart sank.  Everyone would know.  I didn’t even really care what would happen to me or my career anymore.  I was more worried about what would happen to Thad…..

Thad!  I had to find him.  I had to warn him.  He needed to know. 

The ten-minute running trip across campus was torture.  I couldn’t get there fast enough.  I rushed into the building and into the elevator.  It was the slowest elevator in the world, especially when you needed to get somewhere quickly.  I felt like I was in my own slow-motion movie scene and all I wanted to do was push the “fast-forward” button.

When I finally reached the psychology floor, I stepped off.  I ran to his office, only to find his door open and lights on.  His coat was still on the back of his chair, so he was there somewhere.  Weird, I thought.  He usually shuts the door if he goes somewhere.  Where was he?  I went around the floor, peeking in open spaces and offices, even yelling softly into the men’s bathroom (it was empty), but there was no sign of him at all.

I texted Grant to see if he knew where Thad was and he didn’t text me back, so I headed downstairs to the political science floor to see if I could find Grant there.  I bolted down the stairs instead of waiting on the slow-ass elevator.  When I opened the stairwell door, I heard yelling.  Screaming.  Thad’s voice.……

You know that moment in the movie when there’s a big fight scene?  Every action flick seems to have an elaborate, choreographed fight scene to appease the audience’s tastes.  In real life, fight scenes aren’t choreographed and they aren’t pretty.  They’re raw and clumsy – and ugly.