Your Heart to Keep: Holly and Jax (2 page)

She went away and returned with two pills and some water. “Is there someone we can call for you? A family member that lives nearby?”

My mom. Hell! Everything had happened so fast. I needed her with me. “Yes. My mother.”

I gave the nurse her number, knowing mom would be tucked in bed, fast asleep.

She would panic when the phone rang at this godforsaken hour. This morning her fear would be justified.

I could picture her fumbling for the phone beside the bed, wondering who the hell would be calling in the middle of the night.

There had been many of those phone calls in my younger days. Me too drunk to drive, asking for her to pick me up from a bar or to bail me out of jail because I’d been arrested for getting into a fight.

I hadn’t always been the perfect son. Sowing my wild oats and rebelling as a teenager after my no good, son-of-a-bitch old man walked out, forcing us into a trailer park and my mother to work two jobs just to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads.

Mom and I had been on the receiving end of his anger many times over, me often stepping in to take a beating so his rage would be deflected away from her. I could handle whatever he dished out, but seeing him torment the one person who always had my back and who loved me unconditionally, was something I just couldn’t stomach.

I’d dropped out of school early to get a job as a mechanic’s assistant, in order to help out financially. I hated to see my mom always working, unable to have any sort of social life because her loser of a husband couldn’t keep it in his pants and had shot through with some thirty year old bimbo he met while gambling at the local casino.

Yep. He was a real fine role model. If Chloe hadn’t breezed into my life, accidentally when she brought her car into the shop, I would have most definitely followed the same path as my ‘non-father.’ She saved me that day. Sweet, yet sassy. Not my usual type of girl in the looks department. Blond and short. I normally went for the tall, brunettes but there was just something about that pocket rocket that had set me on fire.

“Your mother is on her way.” The nurse hijacked me from my wandering thoughts.

I needed to know how Chloe was. “My girlfriend. Has she arrived yet? She was in the same accident but travelled in a separate ambulance.”

“We’ve had two ambulances brought in in the last half hour so I’ll have to check. I think radiology is ready for you now though so I’ll let you know about your girlfriend when you return.”

I’d already waited long enough. “Could you just go and ask someone first? Please! I want to know if she’s okay!”

“I’m sorry. I’ve got other patients to tend to as well. I will find out for you while you are at radiology.”

A couple of orderlies arrived. One male. One female. “We’re here to take you to X-Ray.”

I sank back into the pillow, defeated. It appeared I would have to wait. I nodded, giving them the go ahead. I was too exhausted to fight.

By the time I returned, mom would be here and she’d get me the answers I needed.

Chapter Two

Holly

The call came at exactly 2:36am on the bitterly cold, winter morning of Saturday, January 3rd, 2015. I was awoken by my always calm and collected mother who turned on my bedroom light and began shaking me from my heavy slumber. Disoriented for a moment, I sat upright, wondering if I had slept through my pre-set alarm clock which woke me every morning at 6:45am.

“What time is it?” I asked, panicked, forgetting today was Saturday and I didn’t need to be driven to work.

“It’s 2:36am in the morning. It’s time, Holly. The hospital called. They’ve just had a female donor brought in and she’s a match. You’re getting a new heart.”

So many things went through my mind in that one instant. I didn’t know how to arrange them into some sort of order. Fear. Relief. Grief for the girl who had died. Her family and loved ones. A six or more hour surgery, depending on complications. So many risks. Thirteen months of mental preparation for this moment failed miserably now that it was thrust upon me. How did one ever really prepare for it?

“Shit.” I sat up, picking some sleep from my eyes, swinging my legs over the side of the bed.

“Holly, now don’t you be using that language in this house.” Chastised my mother like I was an eight year old child.

“Mom, I’ve just been told I’m going to undergo a massive, lengthy and risky operation so I think I have earned the right to cuss.”

Perhaps in silent agreement, she held her tongue, already on the move to my closet, where we kept an emergency bag, packed for this very moment containing nightwear and toiletries for my hospital stay. It had been stashed away for the last thirteen months.

It didn’t seem real as I got out of bed and using my cane, found my way to the bathroom, stepping into my fluffy slippers on the way. Twelve steps exactly to the vanity. Thirteen to the shower and fifteen to the toilet. I had every room in the house counted out perfectly, even the route to my mom’s car which was always parked in the driveway in exactly the same spot so as not to disrupt my memorized placement of everything.

No time for a shower at this ridiculous hour but I did want to empty my bladder, not knowing when or if I’d be able to do so again before I woke up in ICU.

Those three letters made it all hit home. ICU. Intensive Care Unit. Where people were taken who required one on one specialized, around the clock monitoring. Wired to every machine possible. Now that I had time to ponder what was to come, I was so scared. This was monumental. It was really happening. My good old faithful heart that was letting me down but had been with me since birth was going to be lifted from my body and probably thrown into the trash, only to be replaced by one that had been pumping in someone else, maybe only half an hour ago. It was going to be re-started and would continue its life in my body. The hugeness of that had my own heart, speeding up as if the very thought had it panicked.

Would I survive? Would my body reject the new heart? Would there be complications? Those were scenarios that I’d gone through dozens of times with my cardiologist but they were one’s that couldn’t be predicted for me personally. Each patient reacted differently. All I could do was pray hard that I would be one of the lucky ones.

Finishing in the bathroom, I opened the door and felt my cane hit something; the distorted shadow that was my father.

“Hey pumpkin. You done in there?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well I’ll only be a minute and then we can leave.” I felt his hand rub up and down my back. “This is what we’ve all been waiting for, Hols. Our prayers have been answered.”

“I know. It’s epic. I’m just having a little trouble digesting it.” I couldn’t hide my apprehension.

“You’ll be fine, honey. Dr. Mason is the best in his field. He’ll look after you.”

I knew how good he was. It wasn’t his lack of expertise that had me anxious. Just like my condition, there were some things that were beyond anyone’s control. Like bleeding to death. Reacting to the anesthesia. Rejection. Infection and a legion of other complications. Ugh. I needed to stop overthinking it and remain positive or I’d crumble under the weight of fear.

I should be thankful that a heart had been found for me so quickly. Thirteen months on the waiting list was pretty good by any doctor’s standards.

I made my way through the living room, continuing to count my steps out the front door to the driveway where my mother already had the car running. It was freezing out. I only had on my pajamas and slippers.

Shivers wracking my body, I turned to go back into the house to grab my thick, warm robe but my father stopped me. “Here. You look like you could use this.” I made out the bulk of something over his arm that he held out. He was already one step ahead of me.

“Thanks Dad.” I said, taking my fleece robe and slipping it on, pulling the collar high around my neck and returning to the car. By the time I was settled in the back seat, the heater had been going for a few minutes so mom’s late model Buick was toasty.

We’d all agreed that mom would use her car to drive us to the hospital when the time came. My dad was often out of town for work and so my mother and I had practiced the routine dozens of times while dad was away, practically down to the minute. We decided to stick to the routine we had mapped out. 

It was amazing that dad happened to be home for the week and would be here for my mom while I was in surgery, otherwise he would’ve had to fly in from wherever his business consultancy company had sent him and more than likely wouldn’t have made it in time.

The drive towards my fate was mostly met with silence from inside the car, the drone of the engine and swish of the heater the only sounds. We were all in our private thoughts, each of us preparing for what lay ahead. There was one question on my mind though that I had to ask.

“Did you call Tyler?”

“Yes, darling. I called him from the car when I was waiting for you. He’s going to try and get the first flight out,” Mom answered as she pulled up to a set of lights.

Tyler was my brother and only sibling. I loved him to bits. He was two years younger than me and lived in California. I was so proud of him. He was following his dream of playing professional football and had been accepted for a full scholarship at the University of California, Berkeley twelve months ago. I missed him terribly.

When he’d lived at home he had always been my ‘go to’ person when I’d been having a bad day or was feeling sorry for myself. Just hearing his voice and his positivity always managed to drag me from my funk. I really wished he was here now. All six-foot three of him, with his wavy brown hair and piercing blue eyes. I’d loved those eyes before my sight had deteriorated so much that all they had become were blurry objects, mixed with the rest of his face.

It was the simple things I longed to see again like the smiles that lit up my family’s faces or the emotion in their eyes. The beauty of Colorado in fall. Fireworks on New Year’s Eve. Rainbows in the sky after a fresh shower of rain. Flowers in Spring.

My brother’s arrival brought with it some comfort, even if I wouldn’t be seeing him until it was all over.

In five minutes my mother had pulled in to the emergency drop off bay of University Hospital,  letting my father and I out whilst she parked the car.

My feet wouldn’t respond at first as I stood still, letting my thoughts settle. Each breath I exhaled was laced with concern. With each sound of the automatic doors opening and closing, my heart increased its rhythm. Once I was through the doors there would be no turning back. My future lay in the hands of those professionals. This night would either turn out to be a blessing or a curse.

My compassionate father seemed to always know what I was thinking. “Everything will be fine, pumpkin. You have to believe that.” He still had a hold of my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“It’s nice that you have such faith, Dad. I wish I felt the same. What if something happens?”

“It’s normal for you to be scared, Hols. I certainly would be but we’re here now and we need to get this done. You’ll have a better quality of life. You won’t get so out of breath all the time. You’ll be able to exercise and do things you’ve always wanted to.”

That was true. I hadn’t been able to do much in the way of physical fitness for the latter part of my life so it would be a bonus to be able to start going to the gym once I was given the go-ahead. I needed to tone up my un-used muscles that were screaming for a workout. That was one of my goals after I received my new heart. To keep it healthy with exercise and a healthy diet. I only wanted to go through this once if I could help it.

Tugging gently on my hand, my dad led me through the doors into the emergency department to get admitted. My mother had parked the car and caught up to us as we walked in. I not only knew the feel of her presence but I could smell her perfume.

The waiting area was filled with shapes of all sizes so I knew it was busy. Even at such an early hour of the morning it was astounding to know that so many people were sitting here in the hope that their name would be called next. Hard to believe that they all considered their illness or condition an emergency, yet they may be required to sit for hours.

When we stopped, my father gave the nurse my details and explained why we were here. She asked quite a number of questions that were standard practice before we were led through a door to a different room. I was helped onto a bed and heard the swish of a curtain being drawn around us.

“Mom, Dad?”

“We’re here, sweetie. We’re not going anywhere,” my mother soothed, standing at the side of the bed, her hand coming up to my face.

They were all I had in this scary new world I was entering. A terrifying unknown whereby my fate had already been sealed, be it good or bad. I just didn’t know the outcome. I really wished Tyler was here too. His joking manner and upbeat way of looking at things might just be able to take the edge off my growing dread.

Most normal folks were tucked up in bed lost to the world of dreams and here I was, wide awake, about to give my parents the speech that no daughter ever wanted to give.

Taking a lungful of air, knowing that I had to do it because I may not get another chance, I began, “Mom, Dad. I know this is going to be as hard for you as it is for me but I have to get this out.” Trying to keep my lip from quivering, I used all of my inner strength in an attempt to stop myself from blubbering like a baby. I was feeling so emotional and felt I could crumble at any second. “I just want you both to know how much you mean to me…”

“Honey, you don’t have to do this.” My dad offered. Already his voice had a distressed edge to it.

“Yes Dad. I do. Please let me say this.” When he was silent, I continued. “These last twenty years have been amazing, even with what I’ve lived through health-wise. I couldn’t have done it without your love and support. You’ve taught me so many things and made my transition into the world of the blind, so much easier. Dad, you’re gentle and caring. One of a kind, really. Mom’s so lucky to have you. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard you raise your voice, even when Tyler went through his ‘attitude’ phase. You always managed to diffuse situations that would have escalated.”

“Holly. You are everything a parent could ask for in a daughter. You’re amazing. You care more about others than you do about yourself. You’ve adapted to everything life has thrown at you with grace and maturity and I’m so proud of you.” He leaned in and kissed the top of my head, squeezing my shoulder. “Love you more than life.”

I put my hand on top of his feeling the dam inside me ready to rupture. I still had my mother to address and now she was sobbing hard. Holding out my other hand, I let her take it and link our fingers.

“Mom. Where do I begin? You’re my best friend. Even though at times you treat me like I’m still a kid, I know you always have my best interest at heart. You’ve put some of your own hopes and dreams aside to be there for me and for that I’m eternally grateful. It’s not always easy with Dad away so much but you have this wonderful strength that I admire. Hopefully I’ve inherited some of that strength because I’m going to need all of it and then some. My earliest memory is being tucked in your arms listening to you sing nursery rhymes to help get me off to sleep. I loved the sound of your voice. I still do. I’m so lucky to have both of you and if anything should happen…” Tears had formed in the corners of my eyes and my voice was cracking. I took in a few deep breaths trying to finish, noticing my mother’s hand was trembling. “I just want you to know that I’ll always love you both so much. And Tyler too. Please tell him how much he means to me and how much I’ll miss him.” That did it. Dad started and I was gone. Both of my parents embraced me while I sat on the bed, deep sadness engulfing me. This couldn’t be the end. I wasn’t ready. I still had so much left to do.

We stayed like that for a few minutes before our personal time was interrupted.

The transplant coordinator came in and explained with a sympathetic voice what would be happening. The donor’s body was going into theater so surgeons could begin removing her heart and then they would need to check it over to make sure it was suitable before cutting me open and taking mine out.

In minutes I would be wheeled to a different operating room, both surgeries occurring at the same time so that my new heart was as fresh as could be. The timing needed to be just right.