Your Heart to Keep: Holly and Jax (4 page)

Chapter Four

Holly

A morsel of awareness cracked my unconsciousness, albeit indirect and fleeting. I was alive. I think. A flicker of recognition in an otherwise thoughtless void. Then it was gone again. Held under by potent drugs while my body tried to adjust to its severe trauma and fight the effects of being ripped apart and then put back together.

And so it began. My glimpses of wakefulness and sleep. Voices. Beeping. Blackness. Talking. Paralysis. Something large in my mouth. Difficulty swallowing. The dark cave of oblivion again. A seemingly endless cycle, each breath of mindfulness lasting that little bit longer each time, until I was able to determine my whereabouts and be present.

I
was
alive. I was out of surgery. How long, I wasn’t sure? Hours? Days?

My groggy eyelids lifted to the familiar cloudy sight that was my vision. I closed them again, not seeing any point in them being open when there was nothing to see.

“Welcome back, Holly. You’re in ICU. Can you nod your head for me to let me know you can hear me?” A woman’s voice. Older. Unfamiliar. A nurse.

Barely able to move a muscle, I did my best at nodding, not sure if I’d even pulled it off.

“You’re doing great. Surgery went well. I’m Sandra and I’ll be looking after you.”

Her voice drifted away on the cloud of drugs being pumped into my system as I tried to fight another blackout.

Was there an elephant sitting on my chest? My body was under a crushing weight. No pain but pressure.

I heard Sandra’s voice again from somewhere in the room. “You won’t be able to move much at this stage, hon. The meds you were given during surgery plus the anesthesia, haven’t worn off yet. You’ve also got a tube down your throat that needs to stay in for at least 24 hours. I’m sorry. I know it’s uncomfortable.”

Uncomfortable? It was beyond uncomfortable. It was like having a garden hose shoved down my throat and taped to my face.

Unable to resist the pull of sleep I let it claim me, hoping that when I awoke again I would feel a little more human.

Chapter Five

Holly - Twenty Four hours after surgery

My body began to come back to me. Anesthesia had worn off, the pain meds keeping me comfortable. The awful tube had been taken out, allowing me to talk and take sips of water. Most of the hours after surgery were a hazy mess of fragmented moments.

I still had tubes coming out of my neck and was bandaged around my chest but apart from that, I was considerably better than I had anticipated I would be.

The grueling surgery had been a success in the eyes of my specialist. It was hard to fathom that the pulse I could feel under my skin and the beep of the heart monitor next to me was not my own heart but that of another. A dead person. I didn’t feel different inside. It still seemed like my heart, physically. Mentally it was too extraordinary to grasp. In time the reality of the gift I had been given would slowly sink in. I owed this person my life. It’s a pity I would never get to thank her and tell her how grateful I was. I would never take for granted this second chance I’d been given.

The next best thing would be to contact her family and not only offer my condolences for their loss but my sincere gratitude for their daughter’s selfless donation. I made a mental note to follow through with this as soon as I was able to. It would be wise to allow them their time of grief first.

Today I was permitted to have my first visitors. I could hardly wait to see my family again. My brother!

I hoped they’d been home to get some rest. I couldn’t stand the thought of them staying outside in the waiting area, trying to sleep on chairs, being woken frequently by the medical staff who were merely doing their jobs.

I knew my family though. It would have taken great effort on someone’s behalf to get them to leave.

One of the nurses that had been assigned to my around the clock care had just stepped out for a moment and had promised she would be back as soon as possible. It was the first time I could recall being alone, since waking from surgery.

When the large glass door slid across signaling her return, I wasn’t anticipating a second person.

“Hey pip-squeak! How are you doing?”

I knew that voice. “Tyler!”

Normally, I would have chastised him for still using the childhood nickname he’d blessed me with, or rather cursed me with, but hearing it come from his mouth in that moment was the most heavenly sound.

“I’m doing better today. I’m so glad you are here!” I watched his blurry shape move closer.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else! I came as soon as I heard.” He leaned in gently, kissing my head, unable to hug me due to the mass of wires I was tangled in.

“You look like crap, squirt.” He ruffled my hair, pulling a chair over and sitting down. Nothing like brutal honesty from a brother.

“I bet. I’ve felt like it too up until this morning. I don’t remember much but I do recall not being able to move. Or speak because I had a tube down my throat.”

“Are you in pain?” He reached for my hand and held it, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Not really. A little discomfort but not actual pain.”

“Well, this hot nurse you have on hand is obviously doing her job then.”

I could hear nurse, Heidi chuckle. Even though I didn’t know what she looked like, she sounded young. I was terribly embarrassed at my bold brother’s attempt at flirting. He hadn’t even been in the room for five minutes.

“You did not just say that, Ty. I’m so sorry Heidi!”

Through her laughter she said, “Oh you’re very welcome. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

I silently cringed. What was that in her tone? Was she flirting back? I could almost hear her eyelashes fluttering as she spoke. I knew my brother was a looker but seriously? In the ICU? Ugh. Time for a change of subject.

“So, how are Mom and Dad holding up? They have been home, haven’t they?”

“They’re doing a lot better knowing you’re okay. Once we found out you were out of surgery and responding well to the new heart we all took off and got a few hours of shut-eye. We came back last night for a while and just sat outside and then returned again this morning. I would have brought something for you but nothing’s allowed in ICU.”

“That’s okay. There is nothing I need. I have my new heart and I have you here.”

“Aww, pip-squeak you’re too good to me. You know that, right?”

“I know.” I tried my best not to laugh. Not only might I pop a couple of stitches but it would bring about unwarranted discomfort on top of what I already had. “So, how’s University treating you?”

“Good. I miss you guys but Cali is nice. Way different from Colorado. My football coach is really happy with me. He thinks I’ve got loads of potential.”

“Of course. And why wouldn’t he?” I smiled.

“You’re just biased, sis!”

“Ha. Not biased. I just know how hard you’ve worked for this. I’m really glad you’re getting some good feedback.”

“You gonna go back to the braille school?”

“I am. It means so much to me. I’m taking a month off but hopefully by that stage I’ll be rearing to go.”

“Nothing can keep you down, short stuff.” He let go of my hand. “Oh, before I forget, Mom gave me these to give to you seeing as though I was the first one through the doors. Here give me your wrist.”

I leaned slightly towards him, placing my right wrist across the bed. Carefully he lifted it and placed my watch back on, tightening the band for me. It was great to have the familiar comfort of a personal effect, back.

“Lean forward. I’ve got your pendant too. It was urgent I get it back to you. Mom said you’d be pining for it.”

I’d forgotten all about my necklace and was thrilled that I was now able to wear it again. Ty fixed it in place, my hands automatically clasping the amethyst and rubbing. I sent a silent word of thanks to God for getting me through my ordeal.

“I hate to break up this party but it’s time for you to go. We limit our visits for each family member to a short time so that our patients get plenty of rest,” Heidi cut in.

“Are you sure I can’t convince you to let me stay a little longer?” His voice was sugary sweet.

Oh hell! I could hear the innuendo with that one. I’m right here! Hello? Time to go Ty.

“No, now scoot before I have to show you my ugly side.”

“Aww, I’m sure even your ugly side is gorgeous.”

That was it! “You know what, Ty? It’s been really great having you come visit me but I really need to see Mom and Dad!”

He was laughing hard, “Okay. Okay! I can take a hint. I’ll leave for now but I’ll be back.”

I didn’t know what Heidi was thinking. I’m sure if she knew my brother was returning she would make herself scarce or find someone else to take over her shift.

He kissed me again and whispered, “Great to see you, Hols. Love you to the stars and back.”

And with that, his attempt at flirting with the nurse was forgiven and forgotten. “I love you too, Ty.

Both parents visited next. Even though the rule was one person at a time, I was starting to tire again so the nurse bent the rules and allowed them both in so that I could sleep once they departed.

“Hey, pumpkin!” Dad declared as he walked in.

“Hi, darling,” my mother soothed. “It’s so good to see you awake. We weren’t sure how long you’d be out of it.”

“Hey. It’s nice to finally be allowed visitors. I don’t know how long I’ll be awake for though. I’m fighting sleep right now.”

“Well, we won’t stay long. We just wanted to see how our beautiful daughter was doing. We’re so glad it’s over with now and you can concentrate on recuperating.”

“I’m happy to have the worst behind me too. I want to thank the family of the girl who gave me her heart. That’s the least I can do.”

There was a heavy silence and I wondered if my mother disagreed with my decision to contact the donor family. When she finally spoke, I knew there was something she wasn’t telling me. “Well, I’m sure they would appreciate that but just let it lie for a while. They’ve had a very traumatic time with losing their child.”

Their inevitable grief saddened me to my core. Here were my parents sitting with me, celebrating my new life and in some place not too far away was another family organizing a funeral. The last thing they needed was a call from me. It would bring them more pain. I would wait until I felt the time was right. There was one thing I was curious about though.

“Did they come? To the hospital?”

My dad answered, “They were here after a while, Hols. They had to make the drive from Sterling. We didn’t get to meet them but we heard that there was a bit of a ruckus after the boyfriend was brought in and found out his girlfriend had died. He was in the crash too but managed to walk away with only mild injuries. Poor guy! It must have killed him to hear that. Then apparently when he heard…” His voice stopped after I heard a loud slap.

“What? When he heard what?”

Why did he stop and why did I think my mother just slapped my father? What didn’t she want me to find out?

“Mom? Dad? What? Just tell me!”

“What you father was trying to say honey, was that the boyfriend wasn’t aware of his girlfriend’s heart donation and went into a bit of shock after he was told.”

“Shock? Why would he go into shock?”

“Well, he had just learned of her death. It must have been a double-whammy to discover that her heart was being removed and given to someone else. There is a lot of mixed emotion when it comes to organ donation. Not everyone is for it. If they were, there wouldn’t be such a shortage of willing donors.”

“So, already I’ve made an enemy?”

“You don’t know that. He just needs time to adjust. Once he understands that his girlfriend’s selflessness has saved another person’s life, he’ll see the good in it.”

I really didn’t need to hear this. I felt guilty enough. In order to save my life, someone had to lose theirs. I didn’t need it compounded by an angry boyfriend. I hoped I didn’t have to face him at any stage. It would be too hard. I wouldn’t have the strength to deal with his attitude. People like that needed to be better educated about the process and what it meant to others. I’m sure if they saw it as a gift rather than a curse we could shift the majority to our favor.

Maybe when I got home I would start a new mission of raising awareness for the importance of organ donation.

I closed my eyes. It was all too much for one day. I needed sleep to steal me away for a while so that I didn’t have to think. Thank God for Heidi’s watchful eye.

“Time’s up folks. Holly needs to rest now. You can visit again tomorrow.”

After a kiss from each parent and promises of seeing them the next morning, they were ushered out, leaving me in peace again. In an instant I was oblivious to everything.

Chapter Six

Jax

Back at mom’s trailer I slept for nearly two days on and off, only getting out of bed to eat and take a piss. I think it must have been the trauma of everything because I’d never slept so much in my life. When I eventually got up, I found my old punching bag still tethered from the roof in the corner of the bedroom, so I started pounding it.

I needed an outlet for all the grief and anger. Maybe I needed to hit the gym and lift weights until I was so spent I’d have to be carried out.

My right fist was still raw from my little episode on the hospital floor and I had a cut on the other one from the accident but I desperately needed this.

If I didn’t tear into this bag I was going to go and buy a couple of bottles of whiskey and drink them both straight until I fell into an alcoholic coma and I really didn’t want to revert back to my old ways. I needed to keep clean. One slip and I’d be right back where I’d been before Chloe saved me.

I slid my gloves on and went to town. Each blow, a powerhouse of hurt.

Dear, sweet, Chloe. This wasn’t how it was meant to end. Punch! We were meant to get our happy ever after. Punch! We were going to make beautiful babies. Punch! Punch! I loved the shit out of her! Punch! Punch! Punch! Another woman now had her heart. Punch!

I don’t know how long I kept up the furious pace. I was in the zone. 100%. Fighting the demons within. Fighting myself. Maybe Chloe hadn’t deserved the screwed up mess I had been. She could have done better. I’d known that. But Christ, that woman had done something to me that no one else had. She’d made me want to clean up my act. Become sober. That wasn’t a bad thing, surely. And I’d done it too. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a drink. Sure, Chloe hadn’t been perfect but she’d been my perfect. She’d liked to cuss like me and drink coffee like it was going out of fashion but we fit. A part of her and a part of me had clicked together. Now? I was drowning. Who was I without her?

Sweat was rolling off me as I continued to jab at the bag. Left. Right. Left, left. Right.

The bag hadn’t sat still since I’d thrown the first punch. Even with gloves on, I imagined my knuckles bleeding. I gave it all I had and more, working it hard. I was used to pushing myself beyond my limits at the gym so I knew I still had a bit more in the tank.

It was mental strength more so than physical. The mind could push the body further than it was willing to go. That’s what I loved. Seeing how far I could progress to stretch that limit. Today I think adrenalin led the race as I ignored my muscle’s pleas to stop.

My mouth was a dried up river bed and my hair was glued to my forehead, the perspiration now dripping into my eyes on its journey to the ground. Each blow to the bag represented the days and months I would grieve for Chloe. The minutes and hours I would spend without her.

After another half hour I was physically hurting real bad but it was nothing compared to the mental distress. The emotional death I was suffering.

When I stumbled, sensing my legs about to give, I slowed to a stop, collapsing onto my bed, heaving. The lactic acid build-up in my arms burned like a rampant inferno. God it felt good.

This afternoon I would have to go down to the police station and give my statement. I wasn’t looking forward to that. Having to relive it all. Maybe when I got back, I’d need another round of boxing. I was certain between that and the gym, I'd found my new drug.

I stripped off and took a shower, guzzling some of the spray as it throttled my skin, standing under it until the water ran cold and even then I paused for a minute, letting the chill seep into my veins, the rest of my body now becoming the same temperature as my freezing heart.