Read Your Mother Was a Neanderthal Online
Authors: Jon Scieszka
Your Mother Was a Neanderthal (7 page)
Weird, drippy-looking columns of stone rose on all sides from floor to ceiling. Crystals sparkled in the torchlight. We stood gawking in amazement until Ma motioned us over to a large flat wall of rock.
She pointed to the wall and said, “Joe Sam Fred.”
We looked and saw a spiral of painted stars, moons, handprints, and three stick figures on the cave wall.
“It’s the painting,” said Fred.
“It must be the very first version of
The Book,”
I said.
The Book,”
I said.
“It’s a miracle,” said Sam.
Ma put Fred’s Cubs hat gently on his head. She touched each of us on the head. And I could have sworn she said, “Eena. Meena. Mina.” Then she stepped back and with a wave of her torch said, “Mo.”
The flame flickered. A familiar green mist started to swirl around the cave. Ma raised both arms and laughed. And before we could say a word of thanks or good-bye, we were swallowed up and gone.
THIRTEEN
S
am sneezed. The green mist melted away. And Fred, Sam, and I were standing back in my room, loaded with equipment and fully clothed as if we had never been anywhere.
am sneezed. The green mist melted away. And Fred, Sam, and I were standing back in my room, loaded with equipment and fully clothed as if we had never been anywhere.
Fred shook his head and pulled on his Cubs hat.
I felt something in my hands and looked down to see I was holding
The Book.
The Book.
Sam cleaned his glasses, then looked at my clock and calendar. “Four-thirty. 1992.”
And at that very moment my mom called, “Joseph Arthur?” and opened the door.
We were caught red-handed.
I was still trying to think of a good excuse to explain why we had emptied the kitchen drawers and closets when my mom looked us over and said, “Traveling?”
“We ... we ... we ...”
My mom looked at
The Book
in my hands and shook her head. “I don’t know what your uncle was thinking when he gave you that present.”
The Book
in my hands and shook her head. “I don’t know what your uncle was thinking when he gave you that present.”
“Well you see, Mom, we were just getting ready to go ... uh, camping,” I said.
“Yeah, that’s it,” said Fred. “We were going camping.”
Sam looked around the room and pretended to clean his glasses again.
My mom looked the three of us over once more and shook her head. “But I suppose he was about your age when I first showed him
The Book.”
The Book.”
I was still trying to think up a better excuse when that last line sunk in.
“You showed who? What?”
My mom raised one eyebrow and laughed, looking a lot like a certain woman we had just left 41,992 years and a minute ago. “Well, who do you think taught her little brother Joe the magic he knows?”
POP QUIZ
1. If Mr. Sleeby walks an average speed of 2.5 miles per hour, how many miles does he walk in 4 hours?
a.
10.
10.
b.
12.
12.
c.
I don’t know how far Mr. Sleeby walks in 4 hours.
I don’t know how far Mr. Sleeby walks in 4 hours.
d.
I don’t care how far Mr. Sleeby walks in 4 hours.
I don’t care how far Mr. Sleeby walks in 4 hours.
e.
I can’t tell you how far Mr. Sleeby walks in 4 hours because I’ve just been run over by a woolly mammoth.
I can’t tell you how far Mr. Sleeby walks in 4 hours because I’ve just been run over by a woolly mammoth.
2. Given a fulcrum, a long enough lever, and a place to stand, a person could theoretically move
a.
The world.
The world.
b.
To Alaska.
To Alaska.
c.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
d.
I don’t care.
I don’t care.
e.
I can’t tell you because I’ve just been run over by a woolly mammoth.
I can’t tell you because I’ve just been run over by a woolly mammoth.
3. Archimedes was
a.
A Greek mathematician.
A Greek mathematician.
b.
A shortstop for the Chicago Cubs.
A shortstop for the Chicago Cubs.
c.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
d.
I don’t care.
I don’t care.
e.
I can’t tell you because I’ve just been run over by a woolly mammoth.
I can’t tell you because I’ve just been run over by a woolly mammoth.
4. Fred, Sam, and Joe start in the year A.D. 1992 and travel back in time to the year 40,000 B.C. They are trapped in a cave by 4 wooden bars. If it takes each guy 20 minutes to saw through half a bar, do you think they’ll escape in time?
a.
Yes.
Yes.
b.
No.
No.
c.
Maybe.
Maybe.
d.
None of the above.
None of the above.
e.
I can’t tell you because I’ve just been run over by a woolly mammoth.
I can’t tell you because I’ve just been run over by a woolly mammoth.
5. This book costs $3.99. Dinosaurs became extinct 65 million years ago. Cro-Magnon man, our direct ancestor, lived about 40,000 years ago. If you were a woolly mammoth,
then
would you do your math homework?
then
would you do your math homework?
a.
64,040,011
.
64,040,011
.
b.
$3.99.
$3.99.
c.
What?
What?
d.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
e.
I can’t tell you because woolly mammoths can’t talk.
I can’t tell you because woolly mammoths can’t talk.
SCORE YOURSELF!
For every
a
answer, give yourself 5 points.
For every
b
answer, give yourself 4 points.
For every
c
answer, give yourself 3 points.
For every
d
answer, give yourself 2 points.
For every
e
answer, give yourself 1 point.
a
answer, give yourself 5 points.
For every
b
answer, give yourself 4 points.
For every
c
answer, give yourself 3 points.
For every
d
answer, give yourself 2 points.
For every
e
answer, give yourself 1 point.
GRADES
25-21 Son of Archimedes
20-16 Distant Cousin of Archimedes
15-11 Didn’t Know Archimedes
10- 6 Doesn’t Care About Archimedes
5- 0 Should Really See a Doctor About That Mammoth Problem
20-16 Distant Cousin of Archimedes
15-11 Didn’t Know Archimedes
10- 6 Doesn’t Care About Archimedes
5- 0 Should Really See a Doctor About That Mammoth Problem
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