Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (7 page)

I understand, and I know. It would be impossible for it to be some type of physical thing, because neither of us even really knows what the other looks like. We have a general idea, but that’s it. In a way, I feel that it would be better if neither of us even had bodies. I can’t explain what I mean by that. It would be impossible. Once again, “words won’t do it.”

It’s just so intense, like you and I are both so much more, and so much bigger than these small shells of flesh can contain. Sometimes, every once in a while, I feel like I am you. I can recognize these times because I feel so innocent, as if I am looking at the universe through childlike eyes. Sometimes it’s like I know that if my physical body were to change and conform to what it houses, I would appear as an impossibly old man, withered and eroded, but still nowhere close to death. But you seem so young and strong and beautiful. Never mind, I better stop before I get too weird for myself to understand. It just flows out of my mind and into my hand, onto the paper.

Sending love forever to my dear one,

D.

June 18, 1996

Dearest Lorri,

I just got both of your letters. I kind of embarrassed myself. When the mailman came in, I was hopping from foot to foot with impatience. He handed me an armload of mail (you wouldn’t believe all of it!) and I started throwing stuff in every direction, looking for anything from you. The mailman just looked at me as if I were a lunatic. Oh well, they all think I’m crazy anyway.

*

I know, I’ll be so glad when you can come here, too. I don’t think you’ll pass out, but if you do, it’s nothing to be upset over. I was trying as hard as I could to keep from fainting when the jury said, “Guilty, guilty, guilty,” but it only lasted for a second, then it was replaced by a feeling of calmness deeper than anything I’ve ever felt. Even then, I knew it was going to work itself out.

Oh, Lorri, you wouldn’t believe the reaction the film has gotten. I know I’ll be leaving here soon, and I can feel a path opening before me. I feel so excited, yet peaceful at the same time.

Yes, I did know that I was above everything, and that no one could touch me, but sometimes it’s painful to know it. Sometimes it makes me feel so alone, even in a room full of people. Sometimes it makes me feel so very old, as if I’m the only adult surrounded by infants. Sometimes I would give anything to just be “one of the guys.” But at other times I wouldn’t want to be anything other than what I am, not for anything in the world.

*

I’m lying here now listening to people on the radio talk about me. It’s so strange, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that. Sometimes I have to shut it all out, it’s so overwhelming. It makes my head hurt. They even dedicated two songs to me. Wow! It’s going to take time to take this all in. Sometimes it scares me.

Sending love forever to my dear one,

Damien

June 25, 1996

My Dearest Lorri,

You have to stop worrying so much. Remember, I haven’t lived this long without doing something right.
Me being here is not the reason I can’t eat; it’s because I have ulcers and most food hurts me. I have to be careful because I don’t know what will and won’t hurt after I eat it. I’ve always loved cereal, but the other day I wasn’t thinking and I ate some Raisin Bran. PAIN!! I was in agony for 3 hours. I couldn’t even stand up. I eat a lot of bread, because it’s easy on me. Yes, Lorri, I will eat more, just stop worrying. Man, I should have never told you that.

I don’t want you to stop talking about the things you talk about. I absolutely love the way your mind works. I don’t want to sit around thinking and talking about this place all the time. Most of the time, it’s the farthest thing from my mind. It’s really not so bad here. I have plenty of solitude, which I love. Just relax, sweetie, everything’s fine, OK? I’ll be free soon anyway.
Lorri, please don’t cry. Don’t you know that when you do that, you hurt me, too? You have to stop, for me. Everything’s going to be OK soon, and we’ll never have to think about bad things again. Just wait and see. It’s going to be great.

You needn’t ever hold your feelings, thoughts, or anything else back. Just let it flow. Trust me.

Sending much love forever to my dear one,

Damien

June 1996

Dearest Lorri,

I would love to be able to talk to you on the phone, but I can’t call until next month, because we’re only allowed to change phone numbers 3 times a year, and I can’t change them until the first week of July. I would absolutely love to talk to you.
*

I know what you mean about seeming like I’m older. Then again, I feel like I’m older than dirt most of the time. For some reason, though, it does seem like you’re younger. I feel a very protective urge toward you, like you’re so fragile, and I want to cover and protect you to make sure you don’t break. It’s not exactly like a “big brother” feeling, but it’s close to it. Am I making any sense?

Sending much love,

Damien

June 27, 1996

My dearest Damien:

Today, I find myself thinking only of you. It’s been one of those days when I miss you so much. I keep having to look up at the ceiling to keep from dropping tears on this drawing I am working on.

*

Oh Damien, will this ever get easier? I sometimes am amazed at how people can walk around with such pain and longing in their hearts. How can people who are somehow a part of each other live their lives apart? How do they walk around day after day with gaping holes in themselves? How do they continue to get up, do the mundane things like cross the street, drink a glass of water—let alone the extraordinary things such as read a letter, hear music, or have their breath stolen from them?

Time keeps going on, doesn’t it?

I keep asking these questions daily—I keep looking for clues or evidence—and I don’t know why because I am living proof!

I would endure it forever if it means having any part of you as part of me.

It’s true, I feel better when you tell me to relax. Sometimes, however—this all gets the better of me, and this is the only thing that helps, to write to you, to share my thoughts with you.

Sometimes I fear the fact that the life I have had is slipping away from me—eroding slowly. I do sometimes fear for my sanity—even
though in my heart of hearts I know it’s intact. This is the way I need to be right now—I need to feel all of this, I need to close everything else out for a while, let things fall away from me—only then will I know what it will be or what it means.

*

I love you, Damien.

You mustn’t ever doubt it.

Bye for now.

Yours, Lorri

June 1996

Dearest Lorri,

The way your mind works is so delightful to me, it makes me smile from the wonder of it—chastity belts, 17-year locusts, it’s wonderful. You made me smile on a day that has been filled with the purest horror I’ve ever witnessed, but I’ll get to that later, I don’t want to think of it for now.

*

I know what you mean about wanting to know everything all at once, but I also love the way the mysteries unfold a layer at a time, holding you spellbound with the pure beauty of it. I don’t think we could fully appreciate life if things were revealed to us all at once. We need time to fully examine things, to “let them sink in,” as you say. Sometimes I spend ages contemplating the simplest things. I like to examine everything from every angle.

Yes, I suppose some pretty devastating things have happened to me, but I’ve discovered something—that even when I was in the deepest depths of misery and despair, I was still in love and enchanted with the simple fact of my existence. It just seems so wonderful that I’m actually in this body, able to live and love, surrounded by so many beautiful souls, so much to do, so much to experience. It’s all so wonderful. I also realize that if I wouldn’t have been through the horrid, ugly, brutal experiences I’ve been placed in, then I would never have been able to recognize beauty, because I would have nothing to compare it to.

*

Yes, let’s both write down our thoughts on the night of the full moon. I think it’s a wonderful idea.

*

You’ve been approved to come see me if you’re ever down this way. I can’t wait to hear from you again, you mean a lot to me.

Sending much love,

Damien

P.S. Don’t worry about losing me again, I’m here to stay this time.

July 1, 1996

Dearest Damien,

You say you like the way my mind works—well, I think your mind is incredible. I just want to know more and more. I’m really starting to pick up little nuances about you. I can tell when you’re having good days or bad days by the way you write. I am so caught up in the things you choose to describe or elaborate on. It’s a never-ending Pandora’s box and I really can’t get enough of what your mind puts out.

*

If you don’t mind my asking—what is your legal situation with funds?—I know I asked if you were happy with your lawyer. I’ll do anything I can to help.

*

You know it’s a full moon tonight—and I am as promised writing down my thoughts to you. I am actually quite happy just now and full of hope.