Z-Burbia: A Zombie Novel (2 page)

We all silently nod to each other and wait for Stuart’s signal. The man stands by the gate and listens
, then, almost imperceptibly, nods. The gate is unlatched, unlocked, unbarred, and unbraced, and the right door is shoved open just enough so we can slip through. As soon as we are out, it closes behind us and will not be opened until we are done clearing the road and have checked for bites. A bite is death, for the bitten and possibly for the entire neighborhood. Can’t have that.

I count at least th
irty Zs coming at us. Most heard the gate open (a part of the engineering I’m still working on; the damn thing is so heavy it’s near impossible to keep the hinges quiet) and are shambly shambling their way at us. Stuart points with four fingers at the four members of the crew to his left and they head left, straight at the Zs. He points four fingers at the four members to his right and they move out. Just him and me are going at the Zs directly in front of us.

I get in close to the first one so I can shove my crow bar through its eye and into its brain. I
place a foot against the Z’s chest and push, freeing the crow bar and sending the now really dead zombie into the group behind it, tangling them up in oozing, undead limbs. Stuart is right with me, using the same move, since he’s the one that taught it to me.

Stuart’s philosophy on killing Zs is to go throug
h the eye whenever you can. It’s an easy and direct route to the brain. If we were using bullets, it would be where we’d aim, so if you have a weapon that can affect the same result, then use it. Plus, cracking skulls not only will tire you out as you raise your arms over your head again and again, but it makes noise. I think we’ve already covered that noise is bad.

Stab, stab, stab we go, making our way through the throng of Zs. But, as is the zombie way, more keep coming from both directions. Luckily, directly in front of us, about twenty yards away, is the bank of the French Broad River. We don’t have to worry about more Zs coming
from that way. And Whispering Pines is behind us, so we’re good there. That just means we watch our left and right. Stuart splits left, I split right. More stabby stabby.

A half an hour into the slaughter, Stuart raises a fist
over his head and whistles quietly. The gate opens again and a new wave of Z killers comes out as our crew retreats up against the gate. We check each other out, making sure we have no bites, and then are let back inside Whispering Pines as the second crew starts its shift of stabbing.

I collapse on a patch of grass by the watchtower
, as Stuart takes a seat next to me. He hands me a canteen and I take a couple of long drinks.

“Thanks,” I say, handing it back.

Stuart just nods and we sit quietly as a third crew assembles and waits for their turn. The gate opens, they stream out, a few minutes go by and the second crew comes in, dripping with sweat and gore. Stuart does a quick count and nods as he sees the whole crew there.

Then a scream goes up.

“Shit,” Stuart says and all eyes fall on him. “Sorry, folks. No more rest. Time to go out in full force.”

We all know what that scream is
, someone got careless, or were surprised, and ended up taking some Z teeth to their flesh. We all wear long-sleeves and many have leather on, but even still, a hungry Z is a formidable biter. Their jaw strength seems to increase once they rise from the dead, which makes no physiological sense, but is still a reality in this surreal world.

We all pour from the gate and get to work. We have to be fast because a scream and the smell of fresh blood can carry on the wind for a mile. Did I mention that a Z’s hearing and sense of smell increases too? Yeah, they do. It’s scary as shit. So the key is to wipe out the Zs and get the unfortunate wounded taken care of before we end up with a mob, or a horde, or the dreaded
stampeding (a shambling stampede, given) herd of Zs at our gate.

Someone drags the wounded woman inside the gate while crews one, two
, and three, move fast through the Zs left. Ten minutes and we’re done, leaving the rotten corpses to the ever efficient Edna Strom and her Z cleanup crews.

“Inside and strip down,” Stuart orders and we all follow
, as we catch our breaths and begin to undress once inside the safety of the gate. “Double and triple checks, people.”

We go through the motions of inspecting each
other’s naked bodies. No modesty is allowed in the apocalypse. You have to be cleared by three people before you get the okay to grab your clothes and make your way home. It’s a noble walk of shame, but still pretty shameful, as your nether regions are on full display for the neighborhood to see.

“Looking good, Dad,” Charlie says as he comes jogging up to me. “You really should work on your ass tan. No one wants to see those white buns.”

“Thanks, bud,” I smile. “Way to make your old man feel good about himself.”

Charlie leans in. “Mom’s pissed. Just a heads up. She didn’t think you were going outside the gate.”

“The heads up redeems the previous comment,” I say. “We are square.”

“We can never be square as long as you use the word square,” Charlie says
, and sprints off towards our house a couple blocks away.

I look and see Greta laughing and pointing at me. Nice kids I have. My wife, however, is not laughing. She is pointing. Pointing daggers at me with her eyes.

I get home, toss the soiled clothes in the “decon” hamper (unless they are really soiled, then it’s incinerator time), and grab a shower. Stella is waiting for me when I step from the shower stall.

“Hey, hon,” I grin
, which instantly slips from my face as I see the look on hers.

“We’ve talked about this,” she says.

“I know, but I had no choice,” I reply. “The amount of Zs coming had to be handled. Plus…”

“Plus, what?”

“Plus, I needed to blow off some steam,” I say quietly. “Stuart took out eight bums. Five were children.”

Stella’s hand goes to her mouth and her eyes tear up. “Children?” she chokes. “He did that on his own?”

I shake my head.

“Who gave the order?” she asks when she doesn’t need to. Her eyes narrow and her face goes red with fury. “That woman. That crazy bitch. One day, Jace, I’m going to give her what she deserves. I promise you that.”

“I know, I know,” I say. “She’s evil. Kept throwing the last resolution in Stuart’s face.”

“He didn’t have to kill them!” Stella nearly shouts then quiets down, not wanting our kids to hear. “He could have stood up to her.”

“He could have, but he didn’t. Stuart is a good soldier. He follows the orders of the person in charge. Like it or not, Brenda is in charge. At least until the next election of HOA Board members.”

“Which is months away,” Stella growls.

“Let it go,” I say. “It’ll just eat you up. I’m compartmentalizing today in that little black hole in the back of my brain. I’m not going to think about it again until I’m seventy and senile.”

Even I know this is bullshit, but it’s one of the many lies I tell myself to get through each day.

“How was your day, dear?” I grin as I towel off and get dressed. “Learn them childrens good?”

Stella, having been a
schoolteacher for fifteen years pre-Z, has the honor of teaching all eighteen of the school age kids in the neighborhood. She has the dishonor of teaching them in two rooms that we “borrow” from the Church of Jesus of the Light (CJL). Yep, there is a church in our fair neighborhood. But, and this is a huge but, it is not part of Whispering Pines. The first developer for the subdivision actually purchased all the land around this church for a decent price, promising to give right of way to the church in perpetuity. Then the developer went bankrupt. The developer that built all the houses, and truly made Whispering Pines, got the land for a steal, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get rid of the CJL.

That wouldn’t have been so bad if the CJL wasn’t run by an ancient preacher that honestly believed we were all being punished for our sins by God. And, of course, the Zs were the righteous punishment. He was keen on pointing this out to everyone within earshot at least fifty times a day. Poor Stella had to deal with him all day long. She kept him away from the kids, but it was as much work as teaching was.

“I punched Preacher Carrey,” Stella says.

“Shit! You did?”

“No, of course not,” she frowns. “But it did come close. I had his ass backed up against a wall and if your son hadn’t intervened, I think I would have done worse than punch him.”

“And why did you have his ass backed up against a wall?”

“Because he stuck his head in to the younger kids’ room and said, and I am quoting verbatim, that each of them ‘were going to hell for what their parents were doing at the gate. Good luck burning in the pits, you miserable bastards.’ He said that. To kids as young as five, Jace. The man is evil.”

“A lot of people are evil in your book,” I say. “You may need a new description.”

“There’s a lot of evil around these days,” she glares, “or haven’t you noticed?”

“I have,” I say.

“Dad!” Charlie calls from downstairs. “Someone’s at the door for you!”

“Someone?” I ask. “
He knows everyone in the whole neighborhood. He also knows not to yell.”

“Be nice,” Stella says
, “he was my hero today.”

“I’ll be nice,” I reply as I hurry downstairs
, “don’t worry.”

“I am hardly just someone,” Mindy Sterling says from my front door.

A woman in her mid-thirties, fat, but not all jiggly fat, strong, but not muscular, Mindy is head of Neighborhood Security. This is like neighborhood watch and the police rolled into one dysfunctional unit. She used to be part of Zenith Property Management, which was the company that oversaw all the enforcement of the HOA covenants for the developer and the HOA. Lucky for us, she was in the neighborhood when Z-Day came a calling. We’ve been stuck with her ever since. Needless to say, Mindy answers to the HOA Board, which answers to Brenda, which means Mindy is Brenda’s bitch. And she actually likes it that way. She doesn’t have to think, gets to bully folks around, and pretends she is indispensible. Basically the same job as she had before, but with more death and zombies.

“You left your bike down by the gate,” Mindy says, pointing to my bike in the front lawn. “I brought it up for you. You know it’s against the covenants of the HOA to leave personal items just lying around. I will give you a warning today, Jace, but next time
, I confiscate that bike.”

I blink at her a few times
and then shake my head. “Uh, thanks?”

“And tell your son to address me as Ms. Sterling when I come to your door,” Mindy says as she walks away.
“Calling me, ‘someone’, is disrespectful. I have made note of that.”

“Good for you, Mindy,” I call after her. “We’d hate for things to get disrespectful in the apocalypse!”

She ignores me, which is really for the best.

My phone buzzes and I see a text from Jon.

“I don’t know what Mrs. Hoss did today, but I have Brenda up my ass to come talk to my ‘Brother Of God’, whatever the fuck that means, and calm him down. He’s at her house raving like a mad man and wants your wife brought up on charges.”

“Sorry about that,” I reply. “Want me to come with
her?”

“I want your wife to come with
you, so we can sort this out,” Jon texts. “And I want everyone to remember that I’m Head of Construction. I gave up my ministering days long before Z-Day. Why doesn’t everyone get that?”

“Because of the halo and choir of angels that f
ollow your sorry ass around,” I respond. “Tell Brenda you are on your way, but swing by here first. Okay?”

“Sure. Fine. Whatever. Suck my holy dick.”

“Your dick only has one hole,” I joke.

“At least I have a dick, dick. Now stop texting me. I can’t text and walk at the same time. Plus
, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal and against the HOA covenants. Don’t want to get pulled over by Herr Mindy. I can’t outrun those Reeboks she got at the last swap meet.”

“See ya in a minute.”

“I said to stop texting me, so stop! Shit! Are those shoe sirens? Crap, she’s coming to get me, Hoss! Police brutality! Police brutality!”

By the time we stopped texting
, he was at my front door.

“Hold on,” he says, holding up a hand as he types into his phone.

“Eat shit and die,” the text says on my phone.

“Okay, all done,” he grins. “Where’s Stella?”

“Right here, Jon,” she says as she comes around the corner. She hugs him and gives a big kiss on his cheek. “Come on in. Jace made sun tea yesterday. Want a glass?”

“I sure would,” he smiles. “But let’s make it to go. We’re going to Brenda’s to undo whatever it is you done did.”

Stella frowns. Jon frowns. Both look at me.

“You didn’t tell her?” Jon asks.

“I thought I’d let you do it,” I say, “she likes you better.”

“Right now I do,” Stella says. “And I’m not going anywhere near that man. Not unless it’s to put him down
, finally”