01. Chasing Nikki (23 page)

I marveled
how this was all in a day’s work for the people around here.  They were used to
seeing this kind of thing all the time.  It was like it was no big deal.

It was a big
deal to me though, and I was going to see to it that she had all the support
she needed from now on.

Chapter Twenty-One

The sun
filtered through the leaves of the trees, casting flickering shadows over
Nikki’s face as she lay in the grass beneath me.  I bent to lightly kiss her
lips again, listening to the sound of her increased breathing mingling with the
sound of the creek and the soft breeze in the air.

I lifted my
face to look at her, my heart swelling with feelings for her.

She smiled
tenderly.  “I love you, Chase.”

“I love you,
too,” I whispered, stroking my hand across her cheek and then her neck.  I
paused to trace her collarbone, marveling over how silky her skin felt under my
touch, before I moved to replace my finger with my mouth.

I moaned as
she arched her back and ran her fingers into my hair as I kissed farther down
her body.  This beautiful girl was mine.  She belonged only to me.  I slid my
hands over her perfect figure, enjoying the way she moved in reaction to my
touch.

I found
another spot to attack and grinned when she called out my name.  “Chase,” her
voice was a little deeper and huskier.  “Chase.”

Someone
shook me, and I woke with a start, sitting up to find Nikki’s mom staring at me
with a concerned look.  The beeping of Nikki’s heart monitor was still going
strong and reality came crashing back in.

I sat up on
the edge of the couch and hunched over, grabbing the sides of my head as I
closed my eyes in despair.

I’d been
dreaming—dreaming of being with Nikki while she was laying sedated a few feet
away in the hospital bed I’d put her in. 

What kind
of freak was I?

Justine
joined me and slipped an arm around my shoulders.  “How you holding up, Chase?”

Sighing
heavily, I tried to wipe the guilt I was feeling from my face so I could look
at her.  “I’ve been better, but still doing better than her.”

I glanced
over to where Nikki was, unmoved since the last time I looked at her.  “How was
your trip?”

She leaned
against the couch.  “Exhausting.  Excruciating.  I’m so glad you and your
family were here for her.  Your mom took the kids for me tonight, and I drove
your truck back here so you’d have a way to get home.  Your Grandpa and Greg
are coming tomorrow to drop off my car.  Your family has been amazing, as
usual.”

“They love
you too,” I replied.  “I think having you all out to the ranch for that Fourth
of July barbeque secured your place as a family favorite forever.”

We both
smiled at the memory, and I wished we could return to that night filled with
sparklers, pie eating contests, and games.  Life was so simple in that moment. 
I was happy my mom and Justine had hit it off, becoming best friends.  My
reasons were purely selfish, of course.  They liked each other, so that meant
Nikki and I got to spend more time together too.

“How’s she
been?” she asked, dragging me out of my thoughts.

“Just like
this since they admitted her.  I think keeping her drugged helps to keep her
from moving too much while they wait for the swelling to decrease.”

She nodded
and stood, going to place her hand on the top of Nikki’s bandages.  She bent to
kiss her forehead.  “I’m here now.  I love you, sweetie.”

Nikki didn’t
move, and I cast my gaze to the floor, the guilt eating away at me again.

“Why don’t
you go home for a while, Chase?  Your grandma had dinner cooking when I dropped
the kids off, and it smelled great.  Go eat, sleep in your own bed, and get
cleaned up.  You can come back in the morning.”

I shook my
head.  “I promised her I wouldn’t leave.”

“I know, but
she would be furious if she woke up and saw you looking like you do.  I’m here
with her now.  If she wakes, I’ll tell her I made you go home to get some
rest.  She’ll understand.”

I opened my
mouth to argue.

“Please,
Chase.  Let me spend some alone time with my daughter.  Hospitals bring up
difficult memories for me, and I just want a bit of one-on-one time with her.”

She gave me
a pleading look I couldn’t deny, no matter how much I wanted to.  I knew she
was remembering her husband’s illness.

I stood, and
she dug into her into her pocket, handing me my keys.  I took them and leaned
over to kiss Nikki. 

“I’ll be
back first thing in the morning,” I whispered near her ear.

“Thanks,
Chase,” Justine said, as I passed by.

“Call if you
need anything.  And if she wakes up, please tell her I love her, and I’ll be
here as soon as I can.”

“I will,”
she replied with a soft smile, and I left the room.

I hated
leaving, feeling like I was going back on my word to Nikki.  I’d already let
her down dreadfully. I didn’t want her to wake up and see that I’d done it
again.

When I got
in my truck, the gas gauge showed it was time for a refill, so I pulled into
the first station I passed, groaning when I saw Chad, and Wes, coming out of
the store with a case of beer.

“Dude!” Chad
called when he saw me, coming over to clap me on the back.  “What are you doing
over in these parts?”

They must
not have heard about Nikki’s accident yet.  “I could ask you the same thing.”

“My buddy
works here, and he sells to us,” he explained, motioning to the alcohol.  “You
want to come party with us tonight?  You look beat, man.”

“I can’t. 
I’ve been at the hospital all day.  Nikki was in a bad car accident last
night.” I started the pump and left it to go into the store to get something to
drink.

“What?” Wes
said as they followed after me.  “Is she okay?”

“She’s
sedated right now, but she broke her spine and needs surgery.  She might be
paralyzed from the waist down.  They don’t know yet.”  It made me sick to even
speak the words.

I opened the
door and went inside.

“Man, that
sucks.  Anything we can do to help you out?” Chad asked.

I shook my
head.  “Not unless you can get rid of all these awful memories in my head.  I
just need to go home and sleep.”

Chad went to
the register.  “Drake, take care of my friend, Chase, here.  Whatever he wants,
he gets.” He placed a twenty down on the counter.

“You don’t
need to do that,” I said. 

“Bro’s take
care of each other.  You’re our guy, Chase.  Let me do this for you.” He stared
at me intently.

“Fine,” I
agreed after a moment, walking over to give him a fist bump.  “Thanks, man.”

“No worries. 
We’ll try to come see Nikki tomorrow.”

I nodded. 
“Sounds good.  Catch you later.”

I watched as
the two left and climbed into Chad’s car.

“Chad’s a
great guy,” Drake spoke up.

“Yeah, he
is.”

“What can I
get for you?” He placed his hand on the twenty. 

“I need to
pay for the gas on island three.”

“Anything
else?” He arched his eyebrow at me, and I knew what he meant.

I paused,
wrestling with myself, but I lost the battle.  “Throw in a case of beer too.”

He smiled
widely.  “Will do.”

I went and
pulled my preferred brand out of the cooler while he rang things up and paid
the difference that Chad’s twenty didn’t cover.

“Have a good
night,” Drake said as I left the store.

Not a
chance,
I thought, giving him a nod because I didn’t trust myself to say
anything.

I drove
straight to the creek, parking in the very spot I’d been dreaming about
earlier.  We’d come here on several different occasions during the summer since
our first picnic.  We never brought food again, we just made out like crazy
mostly.  There were a few times we enjoyed playing in the creek too.  We’d
gotten pretty frisky with each other one day, and I’d thrown her in to cool her
off.  She stood up, the water making her clothes cling to every inch of her.  I
laughed as she grabbed me and pulled me in with her.  That hot kissing session
had continued in the water too.  I just couldn’t get enough of her.

The smile
slid from my face as I pushed the memory aside.  I got a beer and cracked it
open, guzzling most of the can before I paused for a breath.  I leaned over the
steering wheel as I watched the water rippling in the moonlight.  Everything
was so peaceful looking, not like the churning turmoil that was going on inside
me. 

I finished
the beer and took another one out.

The images
of Nikki all bloodied and mangled in the wreckage of that car kept popping
through my head.

I knocked
back this one too and went for a third, but the thoughts wouldn’t stop.

She’d been
coming to see me—to be with me.  I should’ve told her no … told her we would
wait longer to make sure she really knew what she wanted.  But no.  I’d been in
too much of a damn hurry to move things along.  I’d been ready to take her the
moment she’d spoken the words.  Hell, I’d been wearing her defenses down for
months. 

I couldn’t
get over the fact if I had said no—she wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed
right now.  It would have hurt her feelings for me to reject her after an offer
like that, but at least she would be whole, uninjured.  Even if she hated me
afterwards, it would’ve been worth it—to know she was okay.

What was
that saying about hindsight being twenty-twenty? 

I finished
the third beer and reached for another. 

You
shouldn’t be doing this either,
a tiny voice rose in my subconscious mind,
and I shoved it back down where it belonged. 

I was
through with being good.  I’d tried to move on and live my life, and all I’d
accomplished was hurting the person I loved most in the world.  I was going to
drink until every one of these voices in my head shut up.  Good or bad, I
didn’t want to hear any of them anymore.  I was sick of trying to be something
I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be. 

Maybe I
really was the bad kid, the player who smashed any girl who would give him the
time of day, the kid who was constantly stoned out of his mind. 

Was that
really so awful?  It saved me from having to deal with complicated lifestyles. 
I could just coast a long and exist, not caring about anything.  There was
nothing wrong with that.  I didn’t care if the people around me understood or
not. Let them judge who they thought I was.

If this was
what living a real life was going to feel like, then I didn’t want it.  I was
done with this bull.  I was going to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted,
and no one was going to stop me.

I cracked
open another beer, knowing I was getting sloppy drunk and completely plastered.

“I don’t
care!” I shouted out loud to the stars in the sky.  “This is who I am so just
deal with it!”

I tipped the
beer and drank until I felt like I was drowning.  I wanted to drown.  I just
wanted it all to go away.

Removing the
can from my lips I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.  “I don’t care
anymore,” I said again, repeating my vow.

Liar,
the stupid voice inside me spoke again. 
You care too much.

Chapter Twenty-Two

The sharp
pain in my head caused me to come alive abruptly with a groan.  I shielded my
eyes at the bright sun burning my eyes.

“Crap!” I
grumbled.  It was daytime.  I must’ve passed out and spent the whole night
here.  I reached for my phone to check it for messages.  It was dead.

I got out of
the truck, first looking for a good place to relieve myself from the after-effects
of my binge drinking before I started crushing all the containers I’d emptied. 
My head pounded in agony with every single movement I made. 

I emptied
the box of the remainder of the cans, and broke it down—shoving it under the
seat with smashed ones until I could dispose of them. 

Now I needed
to figure out what to do with the full cans that were left. I looked around, my
eyes settling on the creek, and I carried them over there.

 Walking
along the edge, I searched until I found a place in the rocks where I could
sink the cans into the water, keeping them nice, cold, and hidden for a later
date if the need were to ever arise.

I stumbled back
to my vehicle, leaning against it as I fought a wave of nausea that threatened
my stomach.  I dragged my hand over my face as I tried to collect my thoughts. 
I needed to get home and shower so I could get back to Nikki.

Fumbling
with my keys, I managed to start the truck and head for home.  Every bump in
the road made my brain feel like it was sloshing against the insides of my
skull.  This was definitely a plus in the reasons not to drink category.  I
forgot how fun hangovers could be.

I’d barely
placed the truck into park when the front door swung open, and my mom came
running out of the house. She opened the driver’s side and threw her arms
around me.

“You’re
okay!  Oh my gosh, I’m so relieved.” She embraced me tightly.  “You’re in so
much trouble, mister.  Where have you been?  We’ve all been worried sick about
you!”

“Sorry,
Mom.” I hugged her back.  “I went to sit by the creek last night after I left
the hospital, and I fell asleep.  I didn’t wake up until just now, and my phone
is dead.”

I turned my
head away from her as I spoke, hoping she wouldn’t be able to smell any alcohol
on my breath.

“I didn’t
think anything was wrong until this morning.  I assumed you had spent the night
at the hospital.  When I couldn’t reach you, I called Justine’s number, and she
said you had come home last night.  I was terrified you’d been in an accident
yourself.”