01. Chasing Nikki (26 page)

“I brought
your favorite pudding.  I thought maybe you would enjoy the snack.”

She waved it
off, gesturing for me to set it on her nightstand.

I did as she
asked, and she looked at me expectantly.  “The funeral was very nice.  Lots of
people and flowers.  She was well loved.”

She shook
her head and pointed at me, placing her hand over my heart.

“I miss her
so much I don’t think I can stand it any longer,” I choked out, and the tears
I’d been holding back all day could no longer be restrained.

She nodded
and gestured to her lap.  I lay my head there on her small form as she ran her
fingers through my hair, over and over again.

The house
was packed clear full with a sea of people dressed in various shades of black. 
I stepped inside, trying to be as invisible as possible, not making eye contact
with anyone while I made my way to the stairs.

Wes, Chad,
Brett, Tana, and Brittney were all crammed together on the large couch in the
game room, staring blankly at the television which wasn’t even on.

“You’re
here,” Brittney said with an obvious relief, her eyes red from crying.  She
stood and came to me, followed closely by the others.  “I’m so sorry, Chase,”
she whispered as she wrapped her arms around me, laying her head against my
shoulder.

“Thanks,” I
mumbled, hugging her as I felt the guys clapping me lightly on the back.

“What can we
do to help?” she asked.

I sighed. 
“You’re already doing it.” I squeezed her tighter before releasing her, turning
to embrace Tana too, and moving to plop down in one of the chairs.

I watched
them return to their seats, seeming slightly uncomfortable, not knowing what to
say.  I knew they all missed Nikki too.  She’d been a big part of all of our
lives.

Silence
followed, the awkwardness passing as I retreated into my own thoughts.  It was
enough for me that they were here.

Was this
what my life was going to be like from now on?  Sitting in a room full of
people knowing the person I wanted to be with was never going to walk through
the door?  I’d been planning a future with her, and now there was nothing
left.  My dreams and thoughts were shattered before they’d even really had a
chance to begin.

I wondered
if this was how my mom felt when my dad died, as if her heart was being
completely pulverized.  The pain was excruciating, and I didn’t want to feel it
anymore.

Chad excused
himself and made his way down the hall.  I caught up with him just outside of
my bedroom, pulling him inside. I shut the door.

“Dude, you
got anything on you that you can spot me? You know I’m good for it.” I gripped
his arm in desperation.

He glanced
down, pondering for a moment before giving me a sympathetic look.  “Even if I
did, I wouldn’t let you have it. Not in the state you’re in.”

I growled
and shoved away from him, feeling angry.  “You’ve practically begged me to join
you at parties and now, when I really need it, you’re not going to help me
out?”

He looked
away.  “I’m sorry, Chase.  I know you’re having a rough time.  I want you to
feel better, but not this way.  It would be too easy for you to take this the
wrong direction, and I don’t want to be standing at your funeral next.”

I felt
totally frustrated because I couldn’t fault his sense of reasoning.  He was
right, I was in a bad place, and honestly, thoughts of suicide had crossed my
mind more times than I could count. 

I didn’t
care if it was a cop out.  I’d been through this once before, and there was no
way in hell I wanted to do it again.  I was locking up my heart and throwing
away the key this time.  No more damage could be done if I couldn’t be reached,
because frankly, if this is what life had to offer me, I didn’t want to live
it.

“Just forget
it,” I said roughly.  There were other ways I could bring about the same
results.

“You know
we’re here for you, right?  There’s a whole group of your peeps sitting right
out there.  We have your back, bro, anytime you need us.”

I didn’t
want anybody else.  I just wanted Nikki.

“I’m really
tired.  Can you let everyone know I went to bed?  I can’t face any more people
right now.”

“Sure
thing,” he replied with a nod.  “Text me later if you need to.”

“Thanks.  I
will.” I closed the door behind him.  I took off my suit coat and my belt while
I kicked my shoes off, before dropping to sit on my bed. 

There was a
soft knock, and I hung my head for a moment, desperately wanting to ignore it. 
I waited for a few moments, and the knock came again.

“Chase?”
Brittney’s voice spoke from the other side.

I walked
over and leaned my head against the barrier between us, my hand on the knob,
but I didn’t open it.

“I’m afraid
I’m not very good company right now, Britt.”

“That’s
okay.  I was just worried about you.  I can talk to you another time.”

I rumbled
out a soft sound, feeling badly for pushing her away when I knew she was
hurting too.  I opened the door, gesturing for her to come in and sit on the
bed.  She did, and I watched her while I began unbuttoning my dress shirt.  I
left it hanging open and slouched into the chair in the corner, waiting for her
to say something.

“Chad said
you wanted to go to sleep.”

“Yeah, I’m
pretty worn out.”

She fumbled
with the hem of her black dress that was lying around her knees.  Her long,
white blonde hair fell forward around her face, and I could almost imagine her
as a pretty angel in mourning sitting all dressed up in here. 

It was weird
having a girl who wasn’t Nikki in my room, and it almost made me feel guilty.

When she
looked up there were tears in her eyes.  “I was walking down the hall and
overheard what you asked Chad.  I’m worried you’re going to try something stupid.”

I shifted
uncomfortably.  I must’ve been talking louder than I’d realized.  I didn’t know
what to say.  I peered over to where Turk swam in his vase. I couldn’t deny
anything.

“You just
need to keep remembering Nikki loved you, and she believed in you for a
reason.”

I glanced
back at her, still not replying.

“She’s not
the only one who believes in you.  A lot of us do.” She hesitated.  “I do too. 
You’re a great guy.”

I didn’t
know how to explain the inner turmoil I was feeling.  I couldn’t put my emotions
into words.  I was struggling, floundering.

I knew she
was trying to help.  But there was really only one person who could reach me
right now, and she was dead.

“Thanks for
caring,” I managed to mutter.

“I do care …
a lot.  If you ever need someone to talk to, vent to, or even scream at—I’m
willing to listen.”

“Thanks,” I
said again.

She stood
and walked toward me placing her hand on my arm.  “Be careful, Chase.”

I nodded and
moved to pat her hand.  She grasped onto mine, clutching it slightly before she
disappeared out the door, closing it behind her.

I leaned
forward on my knees, thrusting my hands into my hair as I took a deep breath. 
I felt like I was suffocating, as if the walls were closing in on me.

I buttoned
my shirt back up and slipped my shoes on, and went quickly down the stairs.  I
glanced around for Justine, spying her coming out of the kitchen.

“You doing
okay?” I asked her as I approached.

She nodded. 
“Under the circumstances, yes.  Everyone has been so loving and supportive. 
How about you?”

“I need to
get out of here for a while.  Is it okay if I go hang out at your house?”

She stared
at me sadly.  “Are you sure that’s the best idea?”

I swallowed
hard, my tears mirroring her own.  “I … I just need to feel close to her right
now.”

“Then go.  I
understand.  You know where we keep the spare key.  I’ll be there in a little
while.”

I nodded and
left, careful not to make eye contact with anyone as I went to my truck.  I
pulled my phone out and sent my mom a text so she wouldn’t worry.

“Going to
Nikki’s.  Be back later.”

Chapter Twenty-Five

I took a
deep breath before I turned the knob and entered her room, instantly on sensory
overload.  Everything was exactly the way she’d last left it.  There were
textbooks sitting on her desk, a couple pairs of her shoes were tossed randomly
in front of her closet, and there were several outfits thrown across the back
of her overstuffed chair.

I wandered
over to her bed and sat down, almost able to imagine she’d come waltzing
through the door at any minute.

 One of her
vampire romance novels was spread open on her nightstand.  Next to it was a
picture of the two of us together from the Fourth of July, holding sparklers as
we laughed.  She loved the picture so much, she’d had it blown up and framed.

I reached
over and picked it up, absently tracing a finger over her happy face, and I
wondered if we would’ve been so carefree if we’d known our time together was so
limited.

I laid back
on her pillow, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply as I caught a whiff of her
scent clinging to it.  Her perfume reminded me of days we’d spent together in
the sun, kissing one another until we could hardly breathe.  The memories were
both sweet and exquisite torture.

Opening my
eyes, I couldn’t help the smile that crossed my face.  She’d taped a bunch more
photos of the two of us on the ceiling over her bed.  They were all silly,
random, shots we’d taken, with either our cell phones or her small camera, but
suddenly they were priceless.  She was so alive in these images.

I studied
each one of them as the late afternoon light dipped farther down in the window,
staring until it hurt too much to stare at them any longer.  I shut my eyes,
but the tears still managed to seep through the lids anyway.

We were
supposed to have been together right here in this very room.  That was never
going to happen now.  It wasn’t fair I was still here, and she wasn’t.  I felt
horrible about everything, and my apparent role in the situation.  Not only had
I lost her, but so had her wonderful family.  There was no way I could make up
for any of it.

“I want to
be wherever you are,” I whispered.  “Please don’t go any farther without me.”

I wasn’t
sure how I was going to do it, but I was ready to find a way to join her.

Those same
pictures greeted me when I woke, and I glanced groggily around the room as I
tried to get my bearings.  The morning sun was shining outside, and someone had
come and covered me up with a blanket.

I realized I
must’ve fallen asleep and spent the entire night here.  I hoped Justine let my
mom know where I was so she wouldn’t worry again.

Delicious
smells were coming from the kitchen, and I got up to go apologize to Justine
for staying.

“Morning,” I
greeted with a mumble as I made my way to the table and sat down, running my
hands through my hair in an effort to tame it.

“Did you
sleep well?” She turned from where she was cooking at the stove and smiled.  I
could see she was tired, and she looked as sad as I felt.

“I guess. 
Sorry I just crashed here like that.”

“No need to
apologize.  I asked your mom if she wanted me to send you home, and she said to
let you rest.  Truthfully, I’m glad you’re here with me.  It makes things feel
less … lonely.”

I knew what
she meant, but found it very difficult to answer her.  I didn’t know how to
comfort either of us.

“Well,
thanks for not kicking me out,” I finally managed.  “Is there anything I can do
to help you with breakfast?”

“You can
butter the toast while I finish cooking these eggs if you’d like.”

I did as she
asked, moving silently around the kitchen next to her.  It seemed so weird to
be here without Nikki, and for a moment I tried to pretend she was in the
bathroom getting ready for the day while I visited with her mom.  It was easy
to do since it was a scene that had played out hundreds of times in the past. 
I enjoyed spending time here with this family.  I loved them as if they were my
own.

I thought
about the decision I’d made last night, and I felt a slight twinge of guilt.  I
knew there were people who would mourn me if I left.  I hoped they would
understand why.  I obviously wasn’t as strong as everyone else was because I
couldn’t keep going on this way.

“Have a
seat, Chase,” Justine said as she slid a plate for me on the table, next to one
for herself.  “I thought we could visit while Timmy and Clara are still
sleeping.  I figured I’d let them enjoy a late Sunday morning.  Things have
been draining for them lately too.”

“I’m sorry
it’s been so hard on them.” I stabbed at my eggs, taking a bite.

“Again,
there’s no need to be sorry.  It’s not your fault.”

I almost
choked on my food as my throat went dry.  How could she even say something like
that?  It was totally my fault.  I’d never forgive myself for my role in all of
this.  I didn’t trust myself to speak so I just continued eating, not making
eye contact with her.

If she was
waiting for me to respond, she didn’t push the issue, instead eating in silence
with me.

When I was
finished, I carried my plate to the sink and rinsed it before putting it in the
dishwasher.  Things were growing more strained for me by the minute, and I
hated it.  I’d started feeling at home here and now all of that was being taken
away from me too.  Everything was just plain awkward now.

“Thanks for
breakfast, Justine.  I guess I better get home.” I dried my hands nervously on
my wrinkled dress pants.

She sighed
heavily and dropped her fork.  “Don’t go yet.  I meant it when I said it was
nice having you here.”