01. Chasing Nikki (27 page)

I didn’t
know what to say to ease her pain. 

“Actually, I
found something this week that I’d like you to see.  I think it might help.”

“What’s
that?” I asked.

She stood
and motioned for me to follow after her.  I did, and she led me into Nikki’s
room, walking into her closet.  She emerged with a book.

“This is
Nikki’s diary.  I think you should read it.”

I stared at
the object she was holding, my heart picking up a beat.  This book was part of
Nikki—her voice, her insights.

“Are you
sure?” I swallowed hard, knowing I wanted to read it.  “I don’t want to invade
her privacy.”

She stepped
forward and placed the book in my hands.  “Read it, Chase.  She would want you
to. You can stay in here.  I’ll call your mom and let her know what you’re
doing.”

“Okay.” She
left, and I locked the door behind her so I wouldn’t be disturbed, before
making my way over to the chair in the corner.  I sat down and stroked the
cover, wondering how many times she’d held it while she recorded her inner most
thoughts.  I held it like it was a lifeline, both excited and afraid over what
was hidden between the pages, knowing they would be the last words of hers I
ever read.

I took a
deep sigh and opened it. 

The first
part of it was filled with things that happened before we met, but I devoured
every word, treasuring the piece of Nikki’s world it showed me, and who she was
at that time.  Here and there were pictures or special notes and papers she’d
slid into it.  I loved seeing all the images of her.

I laughed
when I got to the part about her meeting me.  I’d certainly made a less than
stellar impression that first day.  To say she’d been appalled might actually
be a vast understatement.  I was glad I’d managed to make her change her
opinion.

There were a
lot more memories of the two of us recorded. I loved getting to read her
feelings for me from her point of view.  I relived every moment of them with
her in my mind.

I’d been
reading for several hours when I came to a special place in the diary that she
had sectioned off with a rubber band.  I carefully slipped it off, surprised by
what I found inside, and my fingers started shaking as I looked at the pages. 

It was a
letter, something she had written specifically to me.

Chapter Twenty-Six

This is a
special part in my diary.  I’m going to call it the Letter to Chase section. 
Sometimes there are things I just want you to know, Chase, like how you’re the
guy I’m madly and irrevocably in love with.  You make me so happy, that
sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with the need to tell you stuff.  But when
it’s in the middle of the night, like tonight, I can’t talk to you, so I
thought it would be nice to write all these things down and maybe someday you
and I can share them together.  You’ll probably laugh at me for doing this, but
I don’t care.  My heart is full, and I need a place to put it all.

Let me
start out by saying, I really didn’t want anything to do with you in the
beginning.  I thought you were a player—one of those kids who gets everything
he wants in life, then discards it when he’s done.  I quickly learned I was
wrong, and I shouldn’t have judged you on preconceived misconceptions.

Chase,
somehow you wormed your way into my heart and made a little home for yourself
there.  I’ve honestly thought you were a little crazy at times, but that’s what
makes you so lovable.  You’re both strong and tender.  You’re not afraid to
march to the beat of your own drum, you make me laugh, and your kisses are like
a piece of heaven on earth.  I don’t know if there really is any good way to
describe you, except to say … you’re just Chase.

Remember
that day I fell during a stunt at cheer practice?  I was okay, but I hit my jaw
and cracked a tooth.  My coach called my mom, and she got me an appointment
with the dentist.  You came and picked me up afterward to take me home, and we
sat in the driveway for an hour kissing.  You said you’d never kissed anyone
whose mouth was deadened with Novocain before, and told me you needed to
experiment.  You wanted me to tell you how much I could feel.

It felt
funny when you kissed my mouth, because I couldn’t sense things properly, but
then you spent half the time kissing my neck, which made your little experiment
total null and void anyway, not that I minded in the least! Ha, ha.

I just
want you to know I loved that kiss!  I swear I could let you do that to me all
day and never get tired of it. I made up my mind that night—I never want you to
stop!

How about
that night you took me out to dinner, and we had a discussion on middle names? 
You were determined to pry mine out of me, and since I always give in to you so
easily I decided to make you sweat for this one. It drove you insane that I
wouldn’t tell! I laughed so hard.  When you finally snatched my purse and
fished out my driver’s license, I didn’t realize what you were doing until it
was too late. “Nikki Marie Wagner,” you read out loud, and you turned and told
me it was perfect. 

All I
could think of was how much I loved hearing the sound of my name on your lips. 
It gave me goose bumps. Then you wrapped your arms around me and kissed me
right there in the middle of the restaurant, in front of everyone.  I felt like
I was blushing so hard, but I was the happiest girl on the planet in that
moment. 

But then
you refused to tell me your middle name, so when we were walking out to the
truck, I leaned up against it and tempted you with a kiss.  You actually
groaned when you thought I was grabbing your butt until you felt me lift that
wallet of yours right out of your pocket! You might have caught me quickly
after I ran away with it, but I have to say I love your name too, Chase David
Walker.

I was
glad we had that night together because I thought I might die during the two
weeks in June we didn’t get to see each other during your football camp,
followed by my cheer camp.  Whose dumb idea is it to not allow cellphones at
these things?  I understand the need for building team unity, but this was just
cruel and unusual punishment.  I thought I was going to go crazy without
getting to talk to you! 

Oh, but
the first night back together made it all worth it, didn’t it?  I was excited
to go to the movie, but you came to pick me up and couldn’t stop kissing me. We
made it as far as the porch swing and spent the rest of the night in each
other’s arms until it was time for you to go home. 

I
remember you asked me what my plans were for college after I graduated.  I told
you I wanted to go wherever I could major in counseling or psychology and asked
why you wanted to know.  When you said you wanted to be wherever I was because
being without me was torture, I thought my heart might explode with sheer
delight.

Am I too
young to be considering things like this in my life right now?  I can’t seem to
get the conversation out of my head.  I couldn’t imagine anything better than
being with you at college too.  I love you so much. 

I think
you have an amazing future ahead of you.  I’ve watched you at practice a lot. 
You’re amazing!  You’ll get a scholarship for sure.  I honestly think you’re
superstar material, and I hope I’m lucky enough to get to be with you for every
second.

Oh, and you’re
the best boyfriend ever! Bringing me those roses at my cheer practice … be
still my heart!  When you said you saw them in the store, and they were so
pretty they reminded you of me, I think every girl on the squad swooned.  I
can’t believe how sweet you are!  I swear, every time I look at you it’s like my
heart is going to flip out of my chest or something … it races so fast. I don’t
even know how to describe it, except to say you make me feel the most wonderful
things. 

I also
have to say the Fourth of July has to go on record as one of the best days of
the entire summer.  I loved celebrating Independence Day with our families out
at the ranch. The barbeque and pie was delicious, and the games and playing
with the sparklers were so much fun. 

The best
part of the night for me, though, came at the town fireworks.  I loved that you
brought a blanket and spread it in an area away from everyone else.  When you
proceeded to kiss me during the entire display, I could actually feel the earth
moving as the air exploded around us.  Every time I opened my eyes, I could see
the explosions in the air over your head and it was as if you were some
mythical being that was creating this magical haven for just the two of us. 
You told me you loved me, just like you do every day, but I never get tired of
hearing it.  You literally rock my world.  I can’t get enough.  It makes me
wonder if you know exactly how special you really are.

I’ve had
several long visits with you about this.  I know you get feeling discouraged
about things which happened after your dad’s death.  I love that you feel you
can come talk to me about these things, but I hate seeing you hurt.  I know you
miss your dad so much and can tell you had a very close relationship.  For some
reason you just can’t seem to see yourself the same way I see you.  It’s as if
you get hung up on your flaws, and you berate yourself until you feel so torn
down you’re miserable.

I wish
you could see through my eyes.  Just one time is all it would take for you to
know the kind of person you really are.  I know you’ve had issues with drugs
and alcohol in the past, and I know sometimes it’s hard not to turn back to
those kinds of things.  It’s what became comfortable.

You’ve
come so far though, but you don’t see it that way.  You miss the lifestyle
sometimes, so you feel that means you’re not truly trying to hard enough to
change.  I don’t condemn you.  It’s natural for you to want to go and hang with
your friends, but it’s hard for you when they’re doing things you’re trying to
leave behind.  The temptation will always be there for you, I get that.  I wish
I could help you with it somehow. 

I just
want you to be happy.  I wonder if I’m failing you somehow because you make me
feel so good all the time.  I don’t know what I can do to make you feel the
same way.

It’s not
that you aren’t doing well, it’s just that you get down and don’t seem to think
you’re worthy of the things you have.  You are.  You’ve worked hard for what
you’ve got.  I just want to stand on the roof and shout to world how wonderful
you are.

Do you
hear me, Chase Walker?  I love you!  You’re wonderful! If there’s one thing I
wish you could truly know it’s that I think you’re pretty near perfect.  The
world became a blessed place on the day you were born.  You’re so strong, and
you have such a good heart.  I know you can conquer anything you set your mind
to.  And no matter where I am, or what I am doing, I’ll always be your
cheerleader, cheering you along just like you do for me. 

Someday
when you’re old and gray, I’m going to look at you and the fabulous life you’ve
lived and say, “I told you so!  I knew you would rock the world!” And you will
have to agree and tell me how right I am, won’t you? Ha, ha! I know how much
you’ll hate doing that. But mark my words … Chase Walker is going places! 

So stop
looking at the past and all the things you can’t change.  They’re done and over
with.  Now is the time for you to look to the future, grasp it by the hand, and
decide where you want to go.  I told you once before, and I’ll say it
again—this is your life, Chase.  Only you can decide what it’s going to be
like.  Don’t let outside forces dictate it for you. 

But
whatever you do, I hope you’ll always know I love you more than anything.  You
will always be with me wherever I go, because I hold you in my heart.  You’re a
piece of my very soul. Please … don’t ever give up.

Nikki

I could
hardly see the words for the tears.  It was as if she’d reached inside me and
flayed me wide open. It was as if she knew … like she was here talking to me
right now, coaching me, guiding me, and cheering me on. 

Only I
didn’t know if I was strong enough to do what she was asking.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

The cemetery
was quiet this early in the morning.  I placed the fresh roses on her grave,
next to the dozen other wilting plants that had been left here just two days
ago.  I stood very still, looking at her name on the marker at the head of her
plot, having a hard time believing she was here in this permanent resting
place.

“So, I got
your letter,” I said to her.  “Your mom found it and gave it to me.” I
struggled to speak, my voice catching with emotion.  “I want you to know I
really love you too—so much more than I could ever possibly show you.

“I guess I’m
going to try to give you the only thing I have left, and that’s my life.  I’ve
decided I’m not going to try to join you.  After I read what you had to say, I
feel like it would be letting you down if I tried to follow you.  I don’t want
you to think the things you tried to show me were in vain.

“I know
you’d tell me I should be doing this for myself and not for you, but this is
going to have to be good enough for a while because it’s all I’ve got right
now. 

“On that
note, I want you to know I’ve made a firm commitment to stay off the drugs and
stuff.  I was afraid to let that go before, and honestly I still am, but I’m
going to sign up for Maggie’s group session and learn the proper tools to help
myself.”

I swallowed
at the knot in my throat, wondering for the millionth time why living had to be
so hard.