18 Truths (35 page)

I darted back to Nate’s bed, sat down, and pulled his head into my lap.

He grabbed my hand and held my fingers tight. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you all alone. As soon as you pressed that button on the glasses, a bunch of images flooded my mind. I was actually awake for the first few minutes, but paralyzed. All I could do was just sit there while the Alpha File 120 became comprehensible, a bunch of data overloading my brain. I got this massive headache and felt all light-headed and stuff. Then, a blinding yellow light flashed through my mind, the images came to an abrupt stop, and I guess I passed out.”

I handed him a bottle of water from his nearby mini fridge. “Well, whatever those glasses did, the file changed from read only to something I could manipulate. I made an encrypted file, even though I still have no clue what the real file says.” I held up my hand. “Wait, did you just say the Alpha File became comprehensible to you? Because you said something similar to that before passing out.”

He glanced at the CD in my hand, then at me, and gave me a half smile. “I think these glasses are used to read the code, as in I know what the Alpha File 120 is now. It was like I became Eve, eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. I saw every good and evil thing God sees.”

I grabbed for his sleeve, felt him wince. “Holy crap! You’re saying the entire Alpha File 120, the one all of Hell is after, is now encrypted into your memory somehow? You’re saying you know every secret there ever was?”

Nate nodded. “Almost. This particular file only showed me things from the years 1950 until 2000.” He rubbed his free hand over his face, scratching his palm over the stubble covering his chin.

My fingers curled tightly around Nate’s left hand while sliding the CD into my book bag.

“Whatever the years, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that you may have just become exactly as God, even if you don’t have all of his attributes, making you your own god in essence.” I eased Nate’s head out of my lap with one hand, then stood and tucked my shirt into my jeans before pacing back and forth. “Maybe that’s what the demons wanted. Logic says that the result of cracking the Alpha File 120 is how someone could somehow become independent from God. In theory, you would no longer have the need for God once you understood good and evil as He understood those concepts.” I shook my head. “Holy crap! This is far worse than I ever could’ve imagined. What would happen if the demons found out you have the file in your head? It could mean the end of you!”

“Just when I thought there was no way you could possibly get me into more trouble,” he said, slowly sitting up, and then standing.

His words made me freeze, the panic swelling inside me, feeling like I would burst open at any second. It was like I’d been caught up in a tornado and fallen into an abyss very far away, nothing familiar, yet knowing too much information at the same time.

Nate touched the side of my face. “Hey, I’m only teasing. We’ll figure this out together.”

“There’s no way a half hour will be enough time for us to discover what we’re supposed to do with this new information. All the time in the world wouldn’t be enough. I mean, why would Dr. Judy tell me to go after the Alpha Fi—”

Taking a breath, my gaze landed on the glasses still on top of Nate’s forehead, reminding me he had the knowledge of God. I ripped them off his head and threw them on the ground. Then, I stomped on them until they were dozens of tiny pieces.

“What’d you do that for?” He looked at me with half-open eyes, his usual ocean color looking dull with exhaustion.

“Keeping the glasses would be too dangerous.” I stooped down and swept the broken pieces under his bed. “What if the demons got hold of the real file somehow? They obviously don’t know you need the glasses to comprehend the code, or they would’ve asked me to retrieve them, but we can’t take the chance of letting the glasses fall into the wrong hands.” I stood up, and a wave of satisfaction washed over me.

“Good idea,” Nate said, his voice uneven.

I silently prayed he wouldn’t pass out on me again. “Look, Dr. Judy wanted me to find the Alpha File 120 for a reason, a reason that could help Grace and all of us, she said. Can you find out what that reason was before I do the dead drop?”

“The problem is, I don’t know how to access all the information now stored in my brain, but I’ll try.”

He closed his eyes, and I could tell he concentrated hard by his furrowed brow. “This isn’t going to be easy. It’s like a full volume set of Encyclopedia Britannica’s exploded in my brain, and you’re asking me to find one specific entry out of millions.”

I shook my head. “Yeah, I know. Just try to focus only on memories of Dr. Judy and Grace, the way they look, the sound of their voices, everything you know about each of them. Maybe thinking those thoughts will make the information from the file somehow flash in your mind.”

“Olga!” he squealed, sounding excited now. “It’s working. I see something!”

I grabbed at his hands and held them. In the steadiest voice I could manage, I said, “Tell me what you see.”

“I see a younger, gorgeous Dr. Judy. I’m talking Miss America material. A young man named Simon whispers to her about her beauty…but not just a man, an archangel, and a Heavenly kingdom transplant sent to Earth as a professor at Brown University to inspire young people to change the world. But instead, he got distracted by Judy and had an affair with her. She was only twenty-four, finishing her Master’s degree and only married for a year when she found out she was pregnant. She didn’t know if Grace was the daughter of her husband or Simon’s, fully human or half angel. Simon couldn’t stay. He was sent to the Underworld for duty as punishment. Working with delinquents seemed to suit him better than inspiring youth.

“He wanted to take Grace to Heaven to grow up, no matter if she was his or not. He was afraid if she stayed on Earth, she would be a big target for demons because of his affair with Judy. But if he took Grace with him, Judy wouldn’t ever be able to see her again, so she wouldn’t agree to his plan. She couldn’t bear to lose Simon and her child all at once, the only child she’d ever have. The pregnancy and labor had been the hardest her doctor had ever seen, and didn’t know how she made it through, but said she could never have children again. So she wanted to keep Grace close, but before Simon left, he vowed to come back.

“He mentioned something in passing about the Alpha File, about obtaining the knowledge of God so he could find a way back to Earth. But years passed and no word from Simon came. Dr. Judy spiraled into depression, ending in a band of demons killing her. As Grace matured, the demons could tell by her gifts and traits she was Simon’s child. They bombarded Grace with negative thoughts after Dr. Judy’s death, hoping her torture would lead to Simon’s intervention, so they could convince him to work together to obtain the Alpha File. But they thought wrong. Simon was reformed. He never made a move. He was nothing like the demons. He serves out his punishment, watching over the Underworld for a century, and trusting God to unite him with Dr. Judy and Grace when his time is up.”

I shook my head.
Crap, only I would have the luck of bailing on my first assignment, who just happens to be half archangel!

Nate opened his eyes and stared at me. “Now what?”

I felt just as puzzled as he did. “I don’t know why Dr. Judy thought that could help all of us, do you?”

Drawing his hand from mine, he said, “There’s more. A genetic code flashed through my mind when I saw Grace being born. I wonder if that has anything to do with what the demons are after.”

Shrugging my backpack on, I said, “Well, if it is, they won’t be able to read it. I better get going.”

He leaned forward and kissed me gently, and then I felt one hand gripping my waist, the other in my hair, his kiss deepening.

I leaned back. “I have to go.”

He sighed. “I hate this.”

“You think I don’t?”

“Promise me you’ll be careful and come back to me. Hey, should we make a Plan B in case something goes wrong? Who else knows about the Alpha File? I’d hate for someone to turn you in after all this trouble of covering things up.”

I shook my head. “The only ones who know are you, me, Conner, and his roommate. They won’t tell.” Julia’s name popped into my head. “Ah, I can’t believe I keep forgetting some very important details.”

He held up his hand. “What details?”

“There’s also Julia. Conner’s very jealous girlfriend,” I whispered.

Nate took a step away from me, looking like I slapped him. “Why so jealous?”

I remained silent.

His mouth twitched like a cat’s. “Olga, why so jealous?”

“I’d rather not have this conversation right now.” An ache spread through me that felt like being sucked into that wormhole again, the floor dropping out from underneath me.

Nate looked like he felt the exact same way. “I don’t think I want to have this conversation right now either. But I also don’t think I can go forward with you until you explain why Julia is so jealous, and why you’re suddenly so quiet about it.”

My knees wobbled, the world collapsing in on me.

“Olga! Just tell me! You owe me the truth. Did something happen between you and Conner?”

I hesitated, my spirit feeling so weak and small from all my fears and challenges of the past days. The thought occurred to me now that maybe I was able to go see Conner not because of God’s allowance, but Satan’s. Wouldn’t Satan want to distract me with the temptation of Conner’s love, a detour trip from my true mission? But really, I knew Satan wasn’t my biggest enemy, I was. Ever since I’d learned the truth about the last year, I couldn’t stop worrying about Conner and all I’d left behind on Earth. Something always plagued at my mind and stole peace from my heart. Sure, I tried to go on the best I could, but I didn’t allow God to calm my anxious thoughts and put my worries to rest. I didn’t even give the spirit guide opportunity a chance to turn into the joyous experience I knew He meant it to be. My over-worrying and my need to be in control got the best of me again.

Now, I needed God’s grace and wisdom to find just the right words for Nate. Because the truth was, I needed both of their love to help me to be the stronger and more secure person that I wanted to be.

But coming clean was agonizingly difficult, especially when I’d allowed one bad decision to lead to another until everything snowballed out of control. I’d wandered so far down the road of self-deception that I didn’t even know how to turn around and tell the truth now.

Forcing myself to look Nate in the eye, I knew he was right. I owed him the truth, a thousand apologies, and so much more. I swallowed, praying for the right words to explain. “You have to understand, I loved Conner my whole life. I never thought he could love me back, not the romantic way I wanted him to. And I didn’t go to him to seek that out. Part of me still regretted never telling him, but my heart belonged to you. Then you were so mad at me, or at least I thought you were. I thought you’d never want to see me again, and that you wanted Grace now. So when he confessed being in love with me all these years, too…” I had no idea how to break the next part gently, so I just spit the words out. “Kissing seemed like the natural thing to follow. Nate—”

“Is kissing all you did?”

I took a step toward him, trying to remember. The last day seemed like a blur. A flash of our hands on each other swept through my mind. “The kisses were passionate, but not like ours.”

Nate’s posture was stiff. “Meaning what? You managed to keep your clothes on?”

“Yes, of course.” My voice sounded scratchy to my own ears. “I’m so sorry, Nate. I never meant to hurt you. You know I would never hurt you on purpose.”

Nate raised his eyebrows. “The only thing I know for sure right now is that you don’t
think
. I mean, it’s the greatest of all ironies, isn’t it? What is your I.Q.? One-forty-something? Yet you don’t
think
, you just act! You don’t have any foresight. You don’t think of any consequences. Oh wait, you do think. Of yourself, and what you want. Not about what I think. Or what’s right.” His hands began to shake. “I’m tired of this. If you
think
you still love Conner, then you can
think
of a way out of this on your own.”

He turned to walk away, but I gripped his arm, pulling him close. “I love
you
, and you love me. You’re gonna let one little mistake ruin everything? Isn’t that what you were just threatening to punch Conner over?”

Nate disentangled himself from my grip. “Don’t say his name! And don’t pretend this is my doing. This is all you.” He spat the words with such hate I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. “I love you, more than anything. But it’s clear to me now that even if you do love me, it’s not the same. Not with your whole body, soul, heart, mind, and your very breath. Because if you did, if you loved me like I loved you, you would’ve never been able to kiss someone else. I can’t even look at someone else!”

“But you never had a best friend you loved your whole life. You don’t understand how confusing the whole situation was.”

“The fact you found it confusing is what I find confusing. Love is not the author of confusion. Indecisiveness is.”

The empty void returned, threatening to swallow me whole. “Please, just give me another chance. I promise it won’t happen again.”

He laughed sharply. “Oh, sure, until Conner needs you. And if I could give you some advice? Don’t go running to him the next time you
think
he needs you. There’s a holy war going on here. I do love you. I don’t want you to end up in Hell playing house with Sam.”

And with that, he turned and teleported on the spot, too fast to grab onto him and see where he was going. Just when I thought all would be okay, things fell apart again. I’d lost Conner, gained Nate, then lost Nate, then gained Conner back, only to lose him again the same day, then got Nate back, only to lose him again within the span of six hours. How had I gone from the girl who never got chased to the girl constantly caught in the middle? I never should’ve opened my heart to love. I never should’ve gone to see Conner. All I did was open myself up to more pain and make things worse for everyone involved.