186 Miles (2 page)

How
did I get so lucky to have found you?  And I get to keep you.
 

I
could still smell the fabric softener in his favorite orange, plaid shirt.  His
hands were soft, even after playing guitar for hours.

So,
I sat there, fake laughing with my new friends, feeling blank.  I knew that
Vince could feel my ache.  He made eye contact often.  He kicked me playfully
in the leg, as if he were trying to wake me up.  I smiled and played along. 
Eventually, I excused myself and went upstairs.

I
looked at Ryan’s side of the closet, now empty.  I clicked off the light and
listened to the muffled laughter through my window.

Friday. 
Vince and Jack were leaving today.
Could I ask them to stay
?

I
knew that Vince worked on Monday.  He had already taken four days of PTO in
order to attend the services.  I couldn’t ask.  I wouldn’t.

Jack
sipped his coffee thoughtfully.  “Are you going to be okay, Rachel?  I mean, we
could come back next weekend.  It’s like, what, three hours?”  He looked to
Vince.

“Yeah,
Rachel, we could come back.  Or Jack could go without me and I could stay with
you for a while.”

I
looked at him, confused.  “What?  No, of course not.  I’m fine.  I’ll
be
fine.  You guys don’t need to worry about me.  I have chili, you know.”  I gave
a short laugh. 
Please do not pity me.  Please
.

Vince
put his feet on the coffee table.  “Honestly, I can take as much time as I
want.  A few phone calls and it’s done.”

“I
couldn’t ask you to stay.”  I left it open ended.

“Well,”
Vince continued, “how about this?  How about we go home tomorrow instead? 
Then, I’ll come back next Friday.  I can help you with whatever you need done
around here.  Or we can just get drunk and watch House Hunters.”

I
laughed, this time genuinely.  “It’s fine, guys.  I’m cool.  You have both been
a super help this week.”

“You
act like this is the end.  We’re going to see you again, woman.”  Jack softly
bumped elbows with me.

“Yeah,
sure.  When I come to the city to see my sister, I’ll call you both.”

“Not
necessary,” Vince added.  “I’ll see you next Friday.  Besides, we’ll see you
tonight because we aren’t leaving until tomorrow.”

Jack
nodded.  “Y-yyep.”

“Seriously,
go home.”

“You
want us to go home?”  Vince stuck out his bottom lip.

“I
mean, I’m not kicking you out, but you don’t have to stay.  I’m sad, but I’m
not
that
sad.  I’ve got people, you know.”  I smiled.

“What
fucking people?  I haven’t heard your phone ring in three days,” Jack responded. 
He had a point.

“I
turned it off.”

“Why
haven’t they come by?  My buddy’s wife dies?  I’m gonna stop by if he’s not
answering the phone.” 
Why hadn’t I thought about that?

“Eh,
whatever.  They know you guys are here, so it’s no big whoop.”  I got up and
busied myself by unloading the dishwasher.  When I looked up, Vince was
examining me.  I quickly looked back at the silverware tray. 
I needed to
focus on something other than him.

We
watched television a bit that morning.  I went to the garden; neither Jack nor
Vince followed me.  I pulled weeds for a while and then just sat on the flower
bed and lit a cigarette.  I stared blankly across the street at some kids
playing basketball.  I quit smoking three years ago, but bought a pack this
week. I didn’t intend to start back up, but I didn’t want to be away from a
vice right now.  I never was much of a drinker.

“You
have another one of those?” 

I
jumped.  “Jesus, Vince!”

“Sorry! 
Sorry, Rachel.  I thought you heard me.”  He grinned and pushed his hands deep
in his pockets.  His pants were tight.  I could see the outline of his fingers. 
He was barefoot.

I
smiled back and handed him a Camel.  “Hope you like Virginia Slims Ultra-Light Menthol
120s.” 

“I
prefer Capris.”  He let out a short, hard laugh.  “My mom smoked them.  It was
the first cigarette I ever tried.  Jack and I took a few out of her purse and
went to the park.  I was sick for a fucking week.”

“Serves
you right.  Capris are a classy ladies’ cigarette.  Not meant for children.”

He
smiled.  “Sure you don’t want me to stay tomorrow?”

“I’m
sure.” 
I wanted him to stay
.

I
felt awful.  I knew I was lonely.  That’s what this was.  This mindless
flirting wasn’t even real.  He was being nice to his friend’s wife.  She had
lost her husband.  That’s
definitely
what this was.

We
smoked our cigarettes.  He placed his hand lightly in mine and squeezed my
fingers.  “I’ll text you this week.  If you are feeling upset or lonely, just send
me something.”

“Okay.”

“I
mean it, Rachel.  Ryan was my friend.  Now you are too, so that’s what we do.”

I
snubbed my butt into the dirt and placed it in my coffee can filled with
weeds.  I was starting to get a fucking lump in my throat. 
I had to get out
of there.
  I needed to be alone to come apart in peace.

“Hey.” 
He placed his thumb under my chin, forcing me to look up at him.  I tried to
look over his head… anything.  “Hey,” he said again, this time with a rougher
tone.

I
got up and brushed the dirt off of the back of my sundress.  “I’m fine, Vince. 
I just need a few minutes.  I actually have a lot of work to do.  I have this
design project to work on and I haven’t looked at it in days.  Do you and Jack
want to go somewhere?  I can give you directions to wherever.  Art museum? 
Bars?”  I tried to smile.  It was weak.

He
stood.  “Rachel, look at me.”  I did.  “Jack and I don’t need to be
entertained.  We are here for
you
.  So if you want to work, work.  But
if you want to hang out with us, hang out with us.  No one expects you to work
today.  I’m sure your boss would understand if you took off this week.”

“I’ve
already
taken off this week.  I’ve been off since last Monday.”

“Rachel,
for fuck’s sake!  Take vacation.  You’re a mess.” 

God,
was I that pathetic?

“I
need to work for a while.  Just an hour.  Then we will go get some lunch or I
can make something.  Whatever you guys like.” 

Truth
was, I just needed an hour away from Vince.

*

I
lay down on my bed and stared at the clock.  11:07 am. 
Get up, Rachel.

I
still hadn’t cleaned up yet after my gardening, so I ran a hot shower and
stepped in.  I leaned against the tile wall, closing my eyes.  When I opened
them, I noticed that I had forgotten about Ryan’s toiletries.  Razor, shaving
balm, body wash.  I took the bottle and squeezed a small amount into my palm.  
I rubbed it on my arms. 
Goddamn it.
  I rinsed immediately.  I then took
some of my own soap and covered his scent with mine.  I was torturing myself.

I
dried my long, honey-colored hair and shoved it up into a loose bun.  After
applying a light layer of makeup, I zipped up a new dress.  I had gotten some
sun earlier.  My shoulders were pink.

When
I got downstairs, the guys were playing a video game on the console.  Jack was
winning, but Vince didn’t seem to care.  He looked up at me and mouthed
I’m
sorry.

I
mouthed it back.

Vince
got up from the game.  “Hey!” Jack yelled as he walked in front of his line of
vision.

He
walked over and put his arms around me.  He had touched me a hundred times, but
this was the first real hug I had gotten in days.  I squeezed back, tight.  He
kissed the top of my forehead when I started to pull back.  He squeezed tighter
and said, “Bring it in, lady.  This is the good stuff.”  I laughed gently.  It
was the
best
stuff.

Jack
and Vince left on Saturday morning as planned.  

I
decided to listen to Vince and take the week off of work.  Honestly, it was much
needed.  I read, I planted, I had dinner with my friends.  Carrie came over that
Sunday night after the guys had left and kept me company.  She brought her two
girls with her.  They played in my small yard while Carrie and I sat on the
patio.

Carrie
was the first friend I found after moving to Indiana.  Ryan urged me to meet
people, so I signed up for a Zumba class at the park.  She was there, in the
back row like me, just as uncoordinated.  After three classes together, we
decided to get a beer.  We never went back to that class. 

“So,
how were Ryan’s friends?”  Carrie was wide-eyed and curious.

“They
were really good.  A good distraction, I think.”

“Yeah? 
I can’t believe those guys are brothers.  They totally look like different
species.”

“I
know, right?”

“So,
are you going to see them again?”

“Um,”
I paused.  “I don’t know.  I mean, I’m sure we’ll stay in touch or I’ll friend
them on Facebook or whatever, but I really hadn’t thought about it much.”

“Dude,
they stayed at your house for like a week.”

“It
wasn’t a whole week.”

“Whatever. 
You know what I mean.  It was long enough.”

“What
do you want me to say?”  I looked at her, exasperated.

“Nothing. 
I was just curious.  You turned your phone off all week and hung out with these
two strangers, so I figured there was more to it.”

“Well,
there’s not, so…” I nervously picked at the skin around my fingernails.  “I
think I’m going to cut my hair.  Ryan liked it long, but I’ve always wanted it
short.”

“You
should
totally
do that.  You would look hot in an Emma Watson pixie.” 
She smiled at me.  I was sure that she thought I was kidding. 
I wasn’t.

*

On
Thursday morning, I called my hairdresser.  “Maria, hey, it’s Rachel.  Rachel
Stephens.”

“Rachel!” 
Her voice audibly dropped.  “I heard about your husband.  Ay, I don’t even know
what to say.”

“Thank
you.  Hey, do you think you could squeeze me in today?  Just a cut.”

“Yeah,
I’ve got two cancellations in a row today.  This fucking place.  I should
quit.”  Her Puerto Rican accent was cute.  “Anyway, I’ve got a 10:30 or 11:00.”

“Um,
I’ll take the early one.”

“Alright,
mama.  See you in an hour or so.”

*

I
arrived around 10:15.  Maria was ready for me, so I plopped down in her chair. 
“My friend said I would look hot in an Emma Watson pixie.  So, that’s what I
want.”  I paused.  “Hmm, maybe with longer bangs though.”

“Are
you sure, Mami?”

“Yep.”

“Okay,
you got it.  And she’s right.  You’re gonna look hot.”

An
hour later, I looked in the mirror at a new girl.  My bangs hit just below my
eyelashes, but she had cut the sides and back super short.  After a few pins
and a lot of unnecessary product, I was complete.  And Carrie was right.  I
looked cute.

So
cute, in fact, I texted Vince and sent him a selfie.

He
texted back. 

Vince
: 
Holy Shit!

Me
:
Not exactly the response I
was looking for.

Vince
:
I just can’t believe you did
that.  It looks good.  Like really good
.

Was
he flirting with me?

Me
:
Thanks.  Hope you are well.

Vince
:
That’s it?

Me
:
That’s it.  Talk to you
soon.

Vince
:
You will.

*

On
Friday, I woke up late.  I started a pot of coffee when the doorbell rang.  I
looked through the peephole. 
Fuck!

I
swung the door open.  “Vince!  What are you doing here?”

“Um,
it’s Friday.”

“Yeah?”

“I
said I would come back on Friday, so… here I am.”

“I
thought when you said that you were coming back on Friday, you meant like
‘someday.’”  I was mumbling.  Incoherent.  Blushing. 
What was he doing
here?

“I
smell coffee.”

“Yes.”

“Can
I come in?”

“Yeah. 
Yes, of course.” 
God, I was an idiot.

“I
missed you this week.”

“Yeah?” 
I knew I was blushing... again.  I felt like this was the first time we had
ever met.  I hadn’t showered. 
Gah
!  My now short hair had to be a
wreck.

“You
look so cute with that hair.” 
Was he reading my mind?
  “I still can’t
believe that you did that.  Up top!”  He raised his hand in the air so I could
smack it.  I gave him a slap and immediately sent my eyes to the floor.

“Crazy,
right?”  I turned around and headed towards the pot.  “Mm, splash of cream, one
sugar?”

“Perfect.” 
He unzipped his bag.  He brought out something and handed it to me.

“What’s
this?”  I opened an old photograph.  Ryan had to be 18 years old.  He had an
electric guitar in his hand.  He and a much younger Vince were throwing devil
horns. 
It was my new favorite picture in the world.

“Oh
my God.  Can I scan this?”

“What
do you mean?”  He looked confused.

“I
mean, can I make a copy?  I would love to have one.”

“I
brought this for
you
.” 

“Oh. 
Wow.”  My throat got tight.  “This is so nice.  I can’t believe that you would
give this to me.”

“We’re
friends, right?  That’s how we do.”  He curled his arm around my shoulders and
gave me a tight squeeze.  He smelled like Irish Spring.  It was the soap that
my dad always used.  “You smell like Irish Spring.” 
God, that was stupid.

“Yep. 
Keepin it old school.”  He stretched his arms, baring his stomach.  I noticed a
tattoo I hadn’t seen before.

“Oooh,
treasure trail ink!” I exclaimed.  “Is it a mermaid?”

“Worse.” 
He laughed.

“Old
English script that reads
Get It Here, Ladies
?” 

“Not
that
much worse, but still pretty bad.”

“Come
on, Vince.  Out with it.”  I poked him in the side and he clutched his shirt,
pulling it down.  “You’re building it up too much.”

“God,
this sucks.”  He pulled up his shirt and nudged his button of his jeans open. 
He pulled them down just an inch.  It was a blue star about the size of a
baseball.  Nothing fancy.  Just a blue star.

“What’s
the big deal?  It’s a
star
.”

“Oh
God, if you only knew the douchebaggery that goes with it.”  He paused.  “We
were in the band and I thought we were going to hit it big.  We had a little
air play on local radio and my head swelled up like a balloon.“

He
ran his fingers through his hair.  It stood up on end. 
Hilarious.
  It
was literally five inches tall. 

He
continued.  “Anyway, I figured that I would be the next fucking Bono, so I got
this thing, you know, to signify some ridiculous rock dream.”  He let out a
long groan.  “So stupid.”

I
smiled.  “I think it’s cute.  And the good news is, you can always turn the
star into a mermaid tail later.”

“Shut
it.  I’m hungry.  Are you hungry?”

“I
could eat, but I have to shower first.  I’m a skank.”

“You
look beautiful.” 
Was he kidding me?

“Ugh. 
I’m fat.” 
What the hell was wrong with me?
  I regretted saying that the
second it came out of my mouth.

“Are
you kidding me?”

“Forget
it.  I don’t know why I said that.”  I turned around, acting like I was looking
for something.

“Rachel. 
Turn around.”  I faced him.  “You are one of the cutest girls I’ve ever met. 
Like
ever
.” 

Cute?
  Fuck.  The way that
everyone
described me.  Why couldn’t I be
hot
?  I mean, seriously?  For like
one
day.

“Thanks.” 
I grabbed my keys.  “Let’s go.”

“What’s
the matter?”  He looked frustrated.

“Nothing.” 
I paused.  “Well, not that it isn’t a nice compliment, because it is. 
Honestly.  But I
hate
being called cute.  It just seems so… eh.”  I
shrugged my shoulders.

“Well,
you are.  So get over it.”  He smiled.  He looked so good today.  He pulled a
pair of matte black, plastic framed glasses on.  I had never seen him in them
before.

“I
didn’t know you wore glasses.”

“Well,
it’s probably because I don’t really wear glasses much.  Just to drive mainly. 
So, let’s drive, lady.”

“Yes,
let’s drive, lady,” I teased. 

I
knew I was supposed to be feeling sad.  I missed Ryan.  I did.  Absolutely. 
But today was a good day.  Vince was here and I was feeling just… better.  I
could feel myself healing.

*

Friday
and Saturday flew by.  We went to Luna to shop for records, we ate and drank
until our stomachs were sick, we lay on the couch and talked all day and
night.  He even mowed my lawn for me and fixed my broken gate.  We retired each
evening, not wanting to turn in.

Sunday
morning.  I made coffee and we ate bagels in silence.  I could tell that we
were both heavyhearted. 
I knew it wasn’t just me.
  We were becoming
close friends.  It was easier to talk to him than to Carrie right now.  She
knew
everything
about me.  This was just, I don’t know… lighter.

His
bag was packed and sitting on my dining room table.  “Well, I guess I should
go.”  He nodded and put on his glasses. 
God, he’s so cute in those.

“Yeah.”

He
came up and put his arms around me.  He leaned in close and nuzzled my neck.  I
could feel his breath near my ear.  I pulled away. 
Too soon.

“I’m
sorry, Rachel.  I didn’t mean anything.  I’m just going to miss you.”  He
quickly grabbed his bag and ran a nervous hand down the front of his shirt.  He
scratched at his stomach, not making eye contact.  “When can I see you again?”

“I
don’t know.  I mean, I’m busy with work and stuff, but maybe I can come to see
you soon.”

“Yeah?” 
His face lifted.  “Like when?”