186 Miles (6 page)

I
turned my face away, tears building fast.  My lip was starting to tremble. 
“Stop
saying
that.”

“I
do.  And you love
me
.”

I
shook my head.  “I don’t.”

“Yes,
you do.”  He smiled at me, reaching into the nightstand, tearing back the foil
on a condom.  He eased his hand between the two of us.

Just
one last time.  You can do this, Rachel.  You can do this and then tell him to
leave.  You don’t love him.  Do you?

His
lips trailed up my neck and stopped at my ear.

“Are
you ready?”

I
breathed in and out carefully.  “Yes.”

With
that, he pushed inside of me.  I groaned, arching my back.  I could feel the
pressure building up in my body already. 
We were together only an hour ago! 
God, I was a slut.

His
hands curved around my backside, pushing deeper.  Faster.  Faster.  Faster.

I
panted.  These weird sounds started spewing out of my mouth.  I was
embarrassing myself
again
!

“Oh
God, yes!” 
Kill me now.

“Are
you close?”  He breathed in my ear.

“Yes.”
 I let out this bizarre “Oh!” sound.

“Wait
for me.” 

Wait,
what?  My head was ready to pop off.  Should I ask him approximately how long I
should wait?  I didn’t think I was going to last another five seconds.

“I’m
close,” he breathed. 
Thank God
.

Three
seconds later, I blacked out.  Maybe not
exactly
, but it was similar to
the feeling of giving blood.
 I may need a juice box and a cookie.

Vince
lay on top of me, comatose, breathing heavy.  I ran my fingers through his hair
and rested my hands on the back of his neck.

“I
need you,” he whispered.  His sentiment was thick with worry.  He knew I wanted
to let him go.

I
stayed silent.  I shifted a little and he pulled out of me slowly.  I pushed on
his chest lightly and shuffled out of bed, pulling on a fresh pair of light
pink lace underwear and a matching demi bra.

“You
are
so
beautiful.”

“Please,
Vince.  Don’t.”

“What? 
Don’t tell you that you’re
beautiful
?  That I
need
you?  That I
love
you?  I can’t.”

I
shuffled through the clothes in my closet, deciding what to wear, my back
turned to him.  I chose a white sleeveless A-lined dress with a yellow apple
print.  It came just above my knee.   I pulled it over my head and started a
slow struggle with the zipper in the back.

“I
love the way you dress.”  He zipped me up and placed his hands on my
shoulders.  “Let’s go out.  I want to spend the day with you… in that dress.”

*

We
went to a brunch place near my office.  I had been there a few times, but
always with Ryan.  Vince tried to hold my hands across the table.  I couldn’t. 
I placed them in my lap.

What
if someone that I knew was here?  What if Ryan’s mom showed up?  Did the
waitress recognize me?  Surely, she would know I was unfaithful.

It
was irrational, I knew.  I still couldn’t help it.

“Hey.” 
His face was soft.

Oh
God, he
did
love me.
 I needed to deal with this fast.

“Just
don’t.  I can’t touch you here.  We’re a block from my office.  I lost my
husband less than two months ago.  Just… stop.”

I
was such a bitch.  Why was I being like this?

We
ate our food.  The noises from the restaurant were deafening through our
silence.  When the waitress brought our check, Vince handed her his card; she
walked away.  He grabbed my silver metal chair and scraped it across the ground
until it touched his.  Our faces were inches apart.  He leaned in and brushed
his lips against mine.  A soft, wet kiss. 
In front of everyone!
  He
pushed my chair back just as the waitress walked back up with the receipt.

“Thank
you,” he told her, his eyes never leaving my face.

I
wanted him to pack his bags.  Go home early.  Never come back. 
Didn’t I?

He
was taking his time.  Flipping channels.  Feet up on my coffee table.  Thumbing
through my magazines.  He wasn’t going
anywhere
. 

He
was supposed to leave tomorrow, but I thought that he would be ready to pack up
after the way I treated him all afternoon.  When we went to the canal, he tried
to hold my hand.  I pulled away.  When he leaned down to kiss my face outside
of the car, I dodged him and fumbled around in my handbag.  I was cold. 
Frigid
.

He
patted the couch.  “Come.  Sit with me.  I want to talk to you.”

Here
we go.

“I
want to take that job.  Bob called me back today and said it’s mine if I want
it.”

“I
can’t tell you to take the job or not.  You should make your own decisions.”  I
was being unpleasant.

“Do
you
want
me here with you?”

“Vin,
don’t move here for
me
.  If you want that job, that’s your business.  I
don’t want you to leave your life because you think that we’re going to run off
into the sunset together.”

Ouch.

“If
I move here, can I
see
you?”  His eyes were pleading with me.

“Of
course we can see each other.  But what happened here today… that can’t happen
again.”

He
leaned into me.  “Rachel...”  He brushed his finger across my bottom lip.

I
pulled back.  “I mean it.  I don’t regret it and I can’t take it back, but I
need time.  I told you I needed time before, but you pushed me.”

His
face snapped back like I had slapped him.  “I
pushed
you?”

“You
know what I mean.  I don’t mean physically, you
know
that.  I just mean
that I wasn’t ready and I told you that.  Then this morning, you just took what
you wanted.”

“Took
what I
wanted
? 
Fuck
you, Rachel.  You wanted
me
too.”  He
stood, angry.  Confused.  I didn’t blame him.  I
did
want him.  He knew
I was hitting below the belt.

“You’re
right.  I
wanted
you.”  It came out like a whisper.  “I’m sorry.  I
didn’t mean what I said.  I just think we need to slow down.  Like
way
down.”

He
sat back down and placed my hands in his.  He lazily rubbed the insides of my
palms with his thumbs.  “Help me find a place?”

“Here?”

He
beamed.  “Yes, here.  I can’t commute from Chicago to my new job.”

My
heart was beating out of my chest. 
Was he really going to move here?
 

“So
you already took the job then?”

“I
start next Monday.  I have a week to find something.”

“You
can stay here until you find a decent place.  Don’t move into the first one you
see.” 

What
was I talking about?

“Yeah? 
Okay.  I’ve started to look, but I don’t really know the city, so I need your
help.”  He looked excited.  “And just so you know, I’m only signing a six month
lease, wherever I end up.”

“That’s
going to be harder.  Most places won’t let you sign for less than a year.”

“Well,
then I’ll sublet.”

“Why
only six months?”  My heart dropped in my chest. 
Did he want to move back
to Chicago?  Was this just a temporary situation?

“Rachel.” 
He paused.  “I want to be with
you
.  I know you need space.  I’m going
to give you that.  But I need you to know that I’m not giving up.”  He squeezed
my hand.  “I know where I want to live long term.  With
you
.”

My
mouth opened, but nothing came out.

“I
know you’re scared and you think everyone is going to judge you.  If they do,
fuck
them.  Seriously.  They don’t know
me
and they might not understand
this.  But if they love you, they’re not gonna care.  And speaking of that, I
haven’t met any of your friends.  We should have people over tonight.”

“Vince…”

“I’m
not going to put my arm around you or kiss you in front of them.  I just want
to meet them and I want them to meet
me
.  Then, later on, when we tell
them that we’re together, it won’t be weird.”

*

An
impromptu cookout.  After twenty or so phone calls, I was shocked at the number
of people who wanted to come last minute.  Honestly, I hoped that they would
all be busy and it would just be Vince and me.  No such luck.

Tonight,
I was introducing Vince to my world. 
Ugh
.

I
ended up wearing a short, white and navy bold striped fit-and-flare dress with
a thin, red belt.  Vince picked it out.  He was right.  It was a good choice. 
I went barefoot and painted my toenails red before my guests arrived.

He
wore a white fitted t-shirt and tight red jeans with black Chuck Taylors.  When
we had a minute alone, I whispered, “You look like Jack White.”  I blushed.

“You
like that?”  His arm snaked around my back and pulled me close.  He leaned in
at my ear and whispered, “When all of these people go home, I’m going to
fuck
you in that dress.”

“Mister
Conti!” I hissed.  I acted upset.  When I turned from him, a slow smirk spread
across my lips.

As
expected, everyone loved Vince.  He fit in.  He was an easy man to like.  Every
once in a while, I caught him looking at me.  Staring.  Focused. 
Did anyone
else notice?

I
introduced him to everyone as my “friend from Chicago.”  I could feel his
disappointment, but I couldn’t give him
us
.  Not yet. 

Lauren
pulled me aside.  “Girl, is it me or are you two gettin the business?”  Her
eyes were wide. 
How did she know?

“No!”
I lied.  I had to.

She
cocked an eyebrow at me.  “If you haven’t, you’re
gonna
.  That boy wants
to take a ride on the fuck train.” 

“What’s
wrong with you?  I mean, honestly.”

She
mimicked a humping gesture.  I stared at her and shook my head.  Everyone
needed to go home.  Enough with the questions.

The
night grew on and eventually, it was just Vince and me.

He
helped me with dishes, he cleaned up the patio, he emptied ashtrays and
recycled the gazillion beer bottles that filled every empty space.

When
the last bag of trash was tied, he looked up at me.  “Thank you… for tonight.”

“It
was fun, right?”  I pressed the button to start the dishwasher.

“I
love you like crazy.”

Oh
God, there it was again.  Why couldn’t he let it go?

“Vince…”

“You
don’t have to say it back.  I just need you to know that I am fucking
nuts
about you.  I would marry you tomorrow.”

Marry
me?

“Stop.” 
I could feel tears pricking. 
Why did I start to cry whenever he voiced his
emotions?

“I
can’t.  I won’t.  I’m gonna tell you every day until you feel the same way. 
When that day comes, I’m moving in here.”  He grinned.  End of story.  That was
just
happening
.  No conversation, no decisions, just
moving in
.

*

“I’m
going to get ready for bed.”  I started up the stairs.

Vince
followed.

“You
have to sleep in the spare room.  I’ve decided.”

“Oh,
you’ve decided?”  He laughed aloud.

“Seriously!” 
God, he was annoying
.

“I
am
being serious.  I’m not sleeping in that other room, Rachel.  I’d
start off in there and end up in yours
anyway
, so quit being a pain in
the ass.  Scoot your boot.”  He smacked me on the backside.

I
growled audibly, like a five year-old having the start of a tantrum.

“Don’t
take that dress off.”

What?

When
we reached my bedroom, Vince pinned me against the wall near the closet.  He
pressed his lips to mine with need.  He reached under my dress and ripped my
underwear. 
Right off!

“Vince! 
Those were
good
underwear!”

He
pressed his lips back to my neck.  “I’ll buy you new ones.  Just kiss me,
woman,” he teased.

He
lifted me off of the ground and my legs wrapped around his backside with a
natural ease. 
Oh my God, oh my God
.  He hiked up my dress and pressed
me against the wall, wrestling with the button on his jeans.  He pulled a
condom out of his right pocket.  That little
shit
. 
He had this
planned! 
Placing the packet between his teeth, he shifted me into a more
comfortable position.  Our eyes locked.

I
probably should have been upset.  Instead, I lowered my hands to his waist
helping unzip him the rest of the way.  I took the package from his mouth and
tore it open.  It was a weird angle, but I successfully eased it on.  He lifted
me up once again and lowered me onto him with one fast lunge.

“Oh
God.”  I threw my head back.  I cracked it against the wall.  “Ow!”

Immediately,
he started to rub my head.  “Aw, sweetie… are you okay?”  He laughed at me.

“This
better be
worth
it.”

“Oh,
it
will
be.”  He ground his hips into mine and pushed harder.  He cupped
my backside.  I could feel his fingernails digging into my skin.

His
mouth was hot on mine, his tongue pushing inside.  He was more aggressive
tonight; his usual naughty talk was a little rougher.  Bolder.  Raunchier.

You
feel so fucking good.

I
can’t wait to taste you.

You
like that?

I
could feel the pressure mounting.  Surely, I was going to embarrass myself in
some way.  I stared up at the ceiling and tried to focus on not seeming like a
crazy person.  But, as I suspected, it was happening anyway.  “Yes, yes, yes,
yes!”

Shut
your mouth, Rachel!

“Fuck.” 
He ground his hips one last time before going still.  He kissed me, soft and
wet, before gently lifting me up and setting me on the ground.  He pulled off
the condom and headed into the bathroom.

He
was becoming some sort of drug for me.  I needed him to leave tomorrow morning
so that I could get some distance. 
Perspective.

But
in one week, he would be living here.  Waiting.  For
me
.

*

In
the morning, I woke to find Vince’s arm wound tightly around my waist.  I could
smell him.  He was becoming so familiar.  His touches, his kisses, his voice.

“Good
morning, pumpkin.”  He tugged me tighter, my back to his front. 
God, he
felt good.