39 Weeks (44 page)

Around half two
I got another message from James
asking if everything w
as alright. That’d be a no then, e
verything was most definitely about as not alright as you could get. But I still didn’t text him back.

When I got home he was sitting in his car waiting for me. He waved and I
skated
and slipped over the ice
as carefully as I could
to his car
,
resolving not to let him in to the flat. I mean much as I could have done with a bit of company, he wasn’t the company I craved. And of course there was the whole dilemma of not leading him on and if,
or rather
when,
James
found out I wasn’t with Rob anymore wouldn’t he start thinking he was in with a chance again?

‘Did you get my text messages?’ he asked winding down his window.

‘Yes. Sorry I didn’t get back to you, I was a bit preoccupied.’ I answered noncommittally.

‘Bad day at work? You look exhausted.’

‘Yes pretty bad, its year-
end.’

‘Year end?’

‘Yeah, you know, the end of the financial year. Busiest time of the year if you work in accounts.’

‘Oh right. I didn’t knock, after the last time . . . figured you’d be at work and I’d just wait till you got home.’

‘Yes probably best. How’s things with you? Did you have a good Christmas?’
This polite conversation as if everything was normal, was just about killing me. What I wanted more than anything in the world right now was for James to go home and leave me to
wallow in
my
depression alone.

‘It was good yes. How about you?’
James said chattily.

‘Yes Christmas was good.’ It was just New Year that was a disaster I thought.

‘You’re still with . . him
then
are you
?’

‘Mm hm.’ I answered without really answering.

‘Right . .
and how’s it going, still all . . ?’

‘Mm.’

‘Do I sense trouble in paradise?’

‘Actually Rob’s away at the moment.’ I said congratulating myself on telling the truth without in fact giving anything away.

‘Away? Do you mean working away or gone away?’

Okay maybe I’d congratulated myself a bit too quickly. ‘He’s . . I mean . .
oh alright, we had a bit of a . . misunderstanding I suppose you’d call it . . and he’s gone away for a few days, that’s all.’

‘A misunderstanding. So when’s he coming back?’

‘Soon.’ I lied, wishing with all my heart that I wasn’t lying.

‘How soon?’

‘Um . . couple of . . ‘ I started to say as a big fat tear rolled down my cheek.

‘Days? Weeks?’ James said getting out of his car and putting his arm round me.

I leaned into him, I couldn’t help it. I start
ed crying properly, again. Y
ou’d have thought by now and the amount of crying I’d done lately that it’d be physically impossible to cry anymore, but I did.

‘Come on let’s go inside and I’ll make you a cup of tea.’ James said taking my bag from me and leading me
over the un-gritted ice rink that had formed in the last few days
around
the front door.

‘Okay’ I sobbed
disconsolately
, letting him lead me. 

When we got upstairs James sat me down at the table in the living room then went to make tea for us both, and I cried a bit more while I waited for him to come back.

‘So?’ He said putting a mug of tea down in front of me
a few minutes later
.

‘So, he’s gone.’ I said simply.

‘Well good riddance I say.’

‘No not good riddance, I love him James, and he loves me.’

‘Then why’d he leave?’ 

‘He left because of a stupid lie I told my mother.’

‘That doesn’t make any sense but okay.’

‘I told Mum he was the father,
and she
thought I should
get married to
him
. I was in the middle of explaining the truth to her,
that he isn’t,
and how I didn’t want to get married, and Rob overheard part of the conversation and thought . .’

‘
And thought you were
trying to trap him into marrying you and
just looking for a father for the baby.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well that’s stupid, I could have told him you weren’t just looking for a dad. I’d have snapped you up if that were the case if you’d given me half a chance, but you dumped me for him
, didn’t he figure that out? What a moron
.’

‘James about that . .’

‘It’s okay I get it. You said all along that you didn’t think you and me would
ever be
. .
and I was pretty pissed at first, sorry but I was. But I get it, you just don’t feel that way about me. I still think given time you could . .’

I didn’t bother answering or trying to put him right, I just looked at him hard, and he dried up. He reached over to hold my hand, and told me to drink my tea.

I didn’t drink my tea, instead I said ‘I’m really sorry James, you’re a nice bloke but I just don’t feel that way about you.’

‘Yeah I know.’

‘Sorry.’ I said again.

‘It’s okay you can’t help the way you feel.’

We drank our tea in awkw
ard silence, until James said ‘y
ou
’ve
decorated since the last time I was here.’

‘Yes Rob did it.’ I said
,
and of course that made me start crying again.

James ignored the tears this time, probably figuring the less said the better and that I would stop of my own accord sooner or later. ‘Did you do everywhere or just this room?’

‘Just this room.’ I sniffed.

‘Well it looks a lot better than all that orange colour you had when you moved in.’

‘Yeah it does. Rob was going to . .’ And I was off crying again at the thought that actually Rob wasn’t going to be doing any decorating now, or
anytime
in the future as far as
I
could see.

James sighed at my fresh outburst. ‘Look maybe he’ll think better of it and come back.’

‘Maybe.’ I said morosely but without any real hope.

‘When did he go, I mean how long . . ?’

‘He went the day after new year’s.’

‘And I suppose you’ve been sitting here every night all on your own,
crying and
just waiting for him to come back, right?’

‘Pretty much, yes.’

‘Okay how about I take you out for a meal?’

‘James . . I . . it’s very nice of you but . .’

‘
No, n
othing like that. I know you love Rob and you don’t fancy me, I get it. But you have to eat, and it’d be better than you sitting here
all on your own
just thinking about it all, wouldn’t it?’

‘You’re sure you . . ?’

‘Yes I’m sure. Come on dry your eyes. What do you fancy, pizza, Indian, burger and chips?’

27
th
January – Week 34 +
5
day

The temperature had finally risen to about two degrees and it felt almost tropical after the last couple of
sub-zero weeks, and it meant that the snow was finally melting.
It was my last day
at work. I’d kept going somehow, between feeling totally bereft without Rob and being the size of a house now, work or anything else really, was becoming more and more impossible.

I’d almost stopped crying all the time, well when I was with other people anyway, and
I’d entered a sort of numb zone
where nothing really touched me. Other people would live their lives and occasionally talk to me about stuff, but it was like watching a film, nothing was quite real.

I thought when my belly button popped that I was as big as a person could get, but I was wrong. I was so huge now I couldn’t even see my feet let alone reach them. I had to turn
slightly
sideways at the sink to turn the taps on or off, and trying to turn over in bed
at night was a major operation, even pulling my pant’s on in the morning was turning into a daily workout.
A tiny bit of me was glad Rob wasn’t here to see me this massive, I mean if he hadn’t already run away
seeing me like this
he probably would have by now anyway,
and no doubt he’d be
screaming ‘w
hat was I thinking?’ as he hot-footed it out the door.
  
 

Just to add to my problems I had the
worst-
ever heartburn
that no amount of indigestion tablets would quell, and it was even worse when I laid down, which meant I was sleeping, or not sleeping, half sitting up
and propped up by several pillows
every night.
No wonder pregnant women look so washed
out and tired all the time, i
t’s because they are.

I was still texting Rob every day, but now it was only once a day, well some days it was twice, but some days were worse than others. I still hadn’t had any answer, and I was relu
ctantly coming to terms with i
t and accepting the fact that he wasn’t going to phone me back. I stopped off at Marsha’s most nights on my way in after work, but she hadn’t heard from Rob either. Even Mac hadn’t heard from him since that first day in Edinburgh. It was beginning to feel like he’d dropped off the edge of the world, and apart from missing him and wanting to sort things out, I was beginning to worry that something
really
had happened to him and maybe that’s why he hadn’t been in touch with anyone.

I met Shelley in town on Saturday for a coffee, or tea in my case, but we had to sit outside as even the smell of coffee nowadays was enough to make me want to heave. She’d invited me over to her place a couple of times but, stupid I know, I couldn’t bear the thought of being there. I mean for one thing Nick would be there and I was all too
aware that he was a good mate
of Rob’s, but also I couldn’t help thin
king that the last time I went
was with Rob, we’d gone
there
together. We hadn’t even been going out with each other then, it was right back at the beginning when Nick and Shelley had
guessed what was going on even before Rob and I had. I remember Shelley saying there were signs. If only there were a few signs now. But anyway the bottom line was I couldn’
t bring myself to go back to Shelley’s
.
 
 

We sat at one of the two tables outside Costa in the high street,
grateful and amazed tha
t the sun was actually shinning
while we people watched.
After I’d droned on about Rob for half an hour I began to recognise that glazed look on Shelley’s face that everyone was getting nowadays when I talked about him, and I deduced that I must be boring them all to death with my eternal monologue of how much I missed him.
I tried to stop talking about him, or even mentioning him, but it was a lost cause. He was all I could think about, so naturally he was going to be all I could talk about. Well
him
and Ella of course.

When I’d managed to get control of my mouth and stop talking about Rob
for once
, Shelley told me she’d been for
an interview
, but she wasn’t very hopeful with things being the way they were and jobs being a bit thin on the ground nowadays. Evidently they’d had a hundred and seventy eight applications
, so even just getting an interview wasn’t exactly nothing, and that’s what I told her.

‘I know you’re right,’ she said
despondently
. ‘But I still feel so useless, so . . second best, or even a hundred and seventy eighth best
.’
 

‘Something will turn up, you’ll see.’

‘I hope so, otherwise I’m going to have to start signing up.’

‘You mean signing on?’

‘Yeah signing on, I knew it was something like that.’

I felt for her, I really did, but I didn’t think not being able to find a job compared to being eight months pregnant and losing the love of your life was even half as
upsetting. But of course I didn’t say that.

Mum came round yesterday
, and for once she wasn’t all ‘should have done this’ and ‘w
hy haven’t you done that’, I even go
t let off the full version of ‘y
ou don’t know how I suffer’ and
only
got the abbreviated edition. Even Mum could see I’d got enough on my plate, and despite her protests to the contrary I think she felt ever so slightly guilty at her part in Rob leaving. I mean if she hadn’t been pushing quite so hard to get me married
off
then we’d
have
never
had to have that conversation
, and there’d have been nothing for Rob to overhear.