39 Weeks (43 page)

I’d have skived off work but it was year-end, my first year-end sinc
e I’d qualified and gotten my
promotion, and probably my last
now I came to think about it
,
at least for a while as by this time next year I’d have Ella and would probably be working at home, if I was working at all.   

Everyone at work was in that weird post-Christmas mood, a curious mixture of bonhomie left over from the pre holiday celebrations and all the gift exchanging, and deflation that here we all were back at work again.
But I couldn’t enter into the spirit of the thing, and gave everyone half-hearted noncommittal answers when they asked how my Christmas had been.

I struggled through the morning somehow, but all I could think about was going home and sorting things out with Rob. I tried phoning him but his mobile was still switched off. I left voice mails asking him to phone me back but he didn’t. I phoned Marsha but before I could say barely a word she said Mac was on the verge of leaving so she couldn’t talk, but she said she’d ring me back later when he’d gone.

By two o’clock I couldn’t stand anymore and invented a doctor’s appointment that I said I’d forgotten all about until now, and went home.

As I pulled up outside the house I noticed straight away that Rob’
s car was missing
, so I knew even before I got inside that he wasn’t going to be there.
All the same I knocked at Marsha’s door on my way in, at least she’d
be able to
tell me what he’d been saying, and what
sort of mood I could expect him
to be in when he got back from wherever he was.

‘Hello Judy.’ She said solicitously, ushering me in.

‘Where’s he gone?’ I said without preamble.

‘He’s gone.’ Was all Marsha said.

‘Yes but where?’

‘He’s gone with Mac.’

‘
But I thought Mac was going back up to Edinburgh.’

‘Yes he has, and Rob’s gone with him.’ Marsha said patiently.

‘To see him off at the airport you mean?’

‘No I mean Rob’s gone to Edinburgh with Mac.’

This was
a severe
blow. I knew he was hurt and angry, even in his drunken state last night it didn’t take a genius to work that out, but Edinburgh? I slumped down on Marsha’s settee, in denial and totally lost for words. He couldn’t have gone away, he just couldn’t have, I needed to talk to him, to explain. How could he be gone, just like that
?

Harry and Flora w
ere arguing over a jigsaw
that had been a Christmas present, and Marsha asked them if they’d like to watch a DVD instead, so then they argued over which DVD they wanted to watch, but it all went over my head, I was barely conscious that they were even there in the same room never mind
arguing noisily.

‘Come out to the kitchen and I’ll put the kettle on.’ Marsha said after she’d chosen the DVD for them since they couldn’t agree, and settled them both in front of the telly.

I dragged myself to the kitchen numb with shock. ‘When?’ I said.

‘Lunch time.’

‘Couldn’t you have stopped him?’ I asked despondently.

‘I tried.’

‘What did he say?’

‘He said things hadn’t worked out and he needed to get away. Did you have an argument or something?’

‘Not exactly.’

Marsha made the tea, and I explained about my Mum and how I’d lied to her
,
and how Rob had heard half a conversation and now thought I’d only wanted him so I could get married and have a father for Ella, and how he couldn’
t have got it
more wrong. And then I cried.

Marsha
had
produced a box of tissues, refilled my tea mug, and let me talk and sob my way through the whole bo
x
of tissues
and two mugs of tea before she said a word.

‘So what will you do now?’

‘I don’t know.’ I wailed. ‘Try and get him on the phone . . wait till he gets back I suppose
.
. . h
ow long did he say he would be gone?’

‘He didn’t.’

And that started me
sobbing all over again. Marsha put her arm round me
and said she’d talk to Mac when he phoned later.

‘Yes. Explain it to Mac and he can tell Rob. Tell him
to tell Rob
he’s got it all wrong and to please, please phone me.’

‘I’ll try.’ Marsha said.

‘What time will he phone?’

‘When he’s checked in to the hotel he’s staying at, so late tonight I expect.’

‘And Rob will be at the same hotel will he?’

‘Well I gather that’s the plan, but it depends if they’ve got a room. He might double with Mac I suppose, or he might find a different hotel. I really don’t know.’

‘But they’ll see each other won’t they, even if Rob’s in a different hotel they’ll still see each other?’

Harry and Flora barged noisily into the kitchen demanding juice, which meant the DVD had finished.
What had felt like ten minutes, fifteen at the most, was actually an
hour and a half
,
and the time
had
sped by as if on fast-forward while I’d poured my heart out to Marsha and she’d tried to console me.

I left Marsha to minister to her
‘
little angels
’
and dragged myself upstairs. Rob’s
things were
scattered around the flat
as if
he was still there
. His sweatshirt was lying over the back of the settee
and I picked it up holding it close to my face just breathing in his smell, and crying all over again.

Oh Rob, please jus
t phone me so I can talk to you, I prayed.

12
th
January – Week 32 +
4 Days

The weather had turned decidedly awful, it had snowed a week ago and the temperature was still below freezing so the snow hadn’t melted, in fact it was now compacted ice everywhere except the main roads that were a sludgy brown mess that re-froze every night.
Rob hadn’t phoned or come back. Marsha had explained everything to Mac when he’d phoned and evidently Mac had
relayed
everything on to Rob including my message to please phone me, but he hadn’t, and he wasn’t staying with Mac anymore either after that first night when they’d arrived in Edinburgh.
Apparently Rob had tracked down a friend from college the next morning, who lived
somewhere
in the area, and
now Rob
was staying with him.  
  

I still
kept trying to phone Rob
but his phone was permanently switched off. I left message after message, each one more desperate than the last, but I had no idea if he’d even listened to his messages.

I was sunk, up the creak without a paddle. All I could do now was wait until he got back. He’d have to come back some time right? I mean all
his stuff was still at Marsha’s. B
ut of course even if he did come back it didn’t mean he’d talk to me
, or that I’d even manage to see him, he could just get his stuff and go again while I was still at work. Or even worse he could send for his stuff and not come back at all.

Meantime I went through the motions of going to work every day, I cried a lot at everything and nothing
,
and everyon
e said it was my pregnant state
and that my hormones had gone into overdrive
,
and I let them think it
.
B
ut it wasn’t that
, well there might have
been some truth in it I guess
, but I knew what it really was, it was losing my Rob, only he wasn’t my Rob anymore was he?

The only people who knew the truth were Marsha and Mac, and Shelley who I’d sobbed out every last detail to, and no doubt she’d retold it to Nick
. M
y Mum knew because I’d wasted no time in blaming her for the whole thing, so now she’d got the hump with me because I’d blamed her and
she
said that actually it was
all
my fault for lying to her in the first place, which technically
I suppose it was.
And the only other person who knew all about it was Ella, because
while stroking my bump
I’d sobbe
d out everything to her as well, a few times in fact.

My life fell into
a new pattern.
I’d wake up in the morning, have a quick shower, slice of toast, cup of tea, and leave a message for Rob.
Skate to the car, scrape the windscreen, go to work and
try and do some work without thinking about Rob, and at lunchti
me leave another message for him
. Come home and cook myself some dinner, half heartedly push the food round my plate, and leave a message for Rob. Sightlessly stare at the telly for a couple of hours
as I mindlessly flicked through channels looking for something to take my mind off it all, and leave a message for Rob. Go to bed
wearing Rob’s unwashed and still slightly smelling of him sweatshirt
and lay awake till about thre
e o’clock, then fall into a restless
nightmare ridden sleep
before
the whole thing would start all over again.

On the weekend it was much the same but without
the
going to work
bit
, instead of work I’d gone to Sainsbury’s to buy more of the food that I wasn’t eating, then I’d sat with Marsha at hers and cried all over again, then back upstairs at mine I’d phoned Shelley
and cried all over again, t
hen phoned m
y Mum and ranted all over again and
then cried after I’d put the phone down
, all interspersed with leaving more messages for Rob for him to ignore. And on Sunday it was almost a repeat performance of Saturday but without the trip to Sainsbury’s. 
 

I hadn’t seen Shirley at work, she was probably the only
other person I might have told. Her new self emplo
yed status had kicked in and
her daughter
Julie was there every morning, bustling about doing everything Shirley used to do but at twice the speed.
Well every morning except one particularly bad morning weather-wise when it had snowed again on top of the six frozen inches we already had.
I asked after Shirley of course and Julie said she was fine, and that I should go and see her. I needed to anyway, with me
keeping the books for her new business, so I said I’d phone her and sort something out. But so
far I hadn’t got round to it
, being far too busy as I was with feeling depressed and sorry for myself.
   

My monthly prenatal check-ups were now fortnightly and I’d been on Tuesday to see nurse Mary Poppins who told me I’d put on too much weight and that my blood pressure was a bit high, but other tha
n that everything seemed normal. B
ut her usual
superior bossy demeanour hadn’t fazed me this time, I had other bigger problems, and what the hell did she know about normal anyway in her superior little perfect world.

When I wasn’t pouring out my troubl
es to Shelley, which was
n’t much
of the time, she’d managed to fit in a bit of n
ews of her own
that she’d walked out of her job after a blazing row with the hated Katherine, and was now looking for a new job. I didn’t know whether to congratulate her on finally getting out from under the tyrannical reign of Katherine
, or to commiserate with her on having to find a new job, but to be honest, ultimately, I have to say I selfishly didn’t really give it too much thought either way, I was t
oo bogged down with
my own
problems
.

Then this morning I got a text message from James asking me if I’d had a good Christmas, and wis
hing me a happy new year.
I hadn’t
texted him back.

Did I want to see James? Yes and no. Yes because he made me laugh and was quite good company, but at the same time no because if I didn’t fancy him before I certainly wasn’t going to fancy him now after Rob, I probably wasn’t going to fancy anyone ever again after Rob. Seems funny to think that all those months ago I was so upset by the idea that with a baby in tow I probably wouldn’t
have the opportunity to be
having much sex, and now if I couldn’t have my Rob
I
didn’t want
to have
sex with
anyone else
anyway
. I
really
had to try and
stop thinking of him as my Rob
when he clearly wasn’t, and didn’t want to be.