A Bride Worth Billions (85 page)

The previous shows that emotional intelligence can be developed and sustained.  But before emotional intelligence can be developed, one has to start somewhere.  Fundamentally, if one is to change, one has to know the self.  From knowing self, one can then hope to manage the emotions through intentional planning. 

But one does not stop there.  Emotional intelligence is basically information obtained from relating and interacting with the others.  It is therefore necessary that one should know the emotions of the other people one is relating with or interacting with in any given context, be it the workplace, at home, or at social functions.

This expounds on four of the five core abilities of emotional intelligence cited in 1 that need to be developed and practiced consistently.

Self-awareness. 
To be
aware of the self
is to understand how one feels in any given situation, thus allowing one to
assess the emotional state
in that given situation.  With these two competencies,
self-confidence
comes in as its reward.

Admittedly, it is a natural tendency to be reluctant to admit to negative feelings and emotions and even more to the behavior that comes out of these negative emotions.  Hard as this may seem, it is a must that negative behaviors be accepted as such and remain committed to the intent to change negative emotions.

If one remains consistent and committed to change, being aware of these behaviors and one's emotional state can lead to a new you who:

• Know which emotions are at play and why
  
• Realize that feelings are intrinsically connected to thoughts, actions, and words
  
• Recognize that feelings affect performance and behaviors
  
• Know how to act accordingly and be guided by renewed values and goals
  
• Adopt appropriate behaviors that would minimize the effects of emotions on conflicting situations
  

Self-management
.  Knowing and understanding emotions naturally lead to managing and being in control of these emotions to generate positive interactions with the significant others. In managing emotions, one needs to: 

• Be in control of impulsive emotions and remaining composed whatever the situation is
  
• Choose to exhibit healthy and productive emotions
  
• Take the initiative in a given situation
  
• Follow through commitments no matter what
  
• Adapt to any given situation and changing circumstances 
  

Social awareness
.  An old adage goes “No man is an island.”  People naturally relate and interact with other people. Relationships and interactions need to be healthy and harmonious for it to last.  And towards this end, one need to be familiar with, know, and understand the needs, feelings, concerns of other people.  One should be able to read cues the other is giving verbally or nonverbally.

In other words, one should be able to empathize or to fit in the other's shoe.   To do this, one should:

• Be more of a listener rather than dominate the conversation
  
• Understand, appreciate, and respect the others' views, opinions, and issues
  
• Stay tuned to the goal and task at hand without conflict
  
• Understand where emotions of both, self and the other, start and end
  

Relationship management. 
When awareness of self and of others is achieved a strong, healthy, lasting and effective relationship is built.  This is where one succeeds in inspiring other people and be an instrument for the others to reach their full potential.

One succeeds in building lasting and fruitful relationship through:

• Influence and persuasion rather than dominance
  
• Providing support for others as well as gracefully accepting support from others
  
• Sustaining a two-way conversation with others
  

4. The Keys to Emotional Intelligence

The question that may be raised now, and understandably enough, is how the knowledge gained in the previous s can be applied to everyday life.  True, one cannot just read and learn and this is the reason that earlier it was mentioned one has to be actually engaged in the practice of emotional intelligence.

There are five key skills one could use in the engagement of emotional intelligence.

• The skill to quickly reduce stress
  
• The skill to recognize and manage emotions
  
• The skill to connect and relate with others with the use of nonverbal communication
  
• The skill to use humor and play to deal with challenges
  
• The skill to resolve conflicts in a positive way and with confidence
  

Reducing Stress fast
.  Stress is a common experience for everyone.  Stress could be debilitating and emotionally draining.  It leads to inaction and irrationality, throwing out the window any good intentions and plans. 

In times when stress is overbearing, refuse to act under such circumstances.  Take time and pause, be calm and take stock of the situation.  Succeeding in this makes one resilient and in controls no matter what the situation.

Downplaying stress willfully can be done through the following three steps:

• Know
  when one is stressed and what it feels like.  Usually, being stressed keeps one in an emotional state of imbalance, forgetting that perfect calm can be attained through discipline and control.  At times like this, one should force the self to recall the positive effects of being calm and controlled.
  
• Identify the stress response.
  There are many ways to react to stress.  Know the specific response that is usually triggered by a difficult situation.  It is by knowing that one is able to control it and intentionally plan to change to a more appropriate and non-threatening positive response.
  
• Explore the counter-
  stress behavior that works best in any given situation.  Make use of the five senses - sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch - and find out what works best.  It is different for each person and therefore it is necessary to get in touch with the sense most applicable and productive. 
  

For instance, a musician under stress could turn to the piano to keep hands busy and let stress quickly flow away through music heard.

Reflection. 
Reflection
is the second key skill to emotional intelligence.  Reflection allows one to connect with the self.  It is a way of communication with the self, knowing and understanding what is happening to the self as a result of a situation and how this conflicting emotion can be resolved. 

Often, negative emotions are experienced but never reflected upon, allowing the negative emotions of anger, sadness, and fear to linger and consume one’s being.  Admittedly, experiencing these negative emotions cannot be avoided and truly exists.  Understanding the whys of these emotions, however, could reduce its dominance and be replaced by positive emotions of hope, positive anticipation, and expectations.

In reflecting, one could ask the following questions to guide to realization and understanding:

• Do experienced emotions flow one after another with each moment of situational change?
  
• Are these emotions felt physically such is in the chest or in the stomach?
  
• Do these emotions show in the face or in gestures eliciting specific responses from others?
  
• Are emotions so intense that it captures both self and other's attention?
  
• Are these emotions enter into the awareness of self and do they factor into decisions and actions made?
  

Knowing the answers to these questions would reconnect one to the self and lead to emotional health and emotional intelligence.  One must therefore reconnect with one's core emotions, accept them, and be comfortable with them.

There are many ways in communicating with others.  Communication may either be verbal or nonverbal.  And of the two, the nonverbal could be a better give away of what the other is trying to say.  A good understanding of nonverbal cues could be more productive than the verbal communication.

Nonverbal cues.
Nonverbal cue is the third skill in developing emotional intelligence. It needs the skill of interpreting nonverbal cues and gestures as these are emotionally driven.  Reading nonverbal cues needs a skill which when successfully mastered can be productive.  Though often, reading nonverbal cues escapes most in a relationship, taking the other for granted.

Nonverbal cues are givens which seem to beg the question “Are you even listening?” or “Are you into me?”  People convey as well as receive nonverbal cues which may be either positive, such as a sense of interest, trust, excitement as seen from the way one listens, look, move, and react.  Or these nonverbal cues conveyed and received could be negative emotions such as fear, confusion, distrust, disbelief, and disinterest.

To develop the skill of reading nonverbal cues, one should pay attention to the following:

• Eye contact                           
  
• Facial expression
  
• Tone of voice
  
• Posture and gesture
  
• Touch
  
• Timing and space
  

Humor and play in challenges
. Humor, laughter and play counter the effects of negative emotions and are natural pills to cure life's difficulties and challenges.  They are natural remedies that lighten the burdens and help put things and situations in its proper perspective. 

Humor, laughter, and play are the fourth skill that facilitates keeping emotions balanced and leads to the further development of emotional intelligence.

One should not downplay the positive effects of humor, laughter, and play in our day-to-day situations.  To be able to laugh in the midst of a difficult and strenuous situation is heroic, much like a soldier in the battlefield who finds humor in the midst of battle.

Develop and learn the skill to see humor in situations as this would help greatly in:

• Taking hardships in stride.
  Humor, laughter and play enable one to see the situation in a different perspective and surpass any annoyances, irritants, setbacks encountered.
  
• Smoothing over differences.
  Humor and play often bring with them the gift of shifting or avoiding blunders turning it into just another moment one can do without.  With it, what could have been a catastrophe in a relationship could become a learning experience that both can benefit from
  
• Relaxing and energizing self.
  This is like recharging batteries, say in a flashlight, where a recharged flashlight produces more light.  The same is true in a playful communication where it reduces fatigue and lightens tight body muscles brought upon by tension.
  
• Becoming more creative.
  When one is relaxed and free of disturbing thoughts and emotions, the self is prepped to be creative and see things in a new perspective.  Being creative is a natural tendency in human beings which may have been buried deep within and under the emotional conflicts of the self.  Letting go of self is also letting free of one's creativity. A trait anyone can aspire for.
  

It is a fact that conflict in everyday life cannot be avoided and is inevitable in a relationship, whether in the workplace or in a social milieu.  People have differences, they do not have the same needs and wants, opinions, and expectations and these even changes from time to time. 

This fact need not be a disadvantage in a relationship and instead, accepting the differences can be healthy and the knowledge could even make the relationship stronger.  For can you imagine a world with people all alike in needs and wants, opinions, and expectations?  Growth and progress would even be more unimaginable if such is the case.

Differences among individuals can be dealt with in a healthy and constructive way and could even lead to building trusting relationship.  Situations need not be perceived as conflicting and such situations foster freedom, creativity, and strong relationship.

The following are tips on how to resolve conflicts in non-threatening ways:

• Stay focused in the present and in the moment
  . Past experiences need to stay in the past and not clutter the present.  Letting go of old hurts, pains, grudges, and resentments allow the opportunity for a current situation to present itself in a learning light and could even resolve old emotions about conflicts.
  
• Choose the arguments
  . It is tempting to argue with what comes into mind.  But using the armor already possessed from previous s, one can take time to choose the best and most appropriate among the many arguments possible and resolve the conflict in a positive way.  There are times when silence is an argument by itself.  Choose an argument that would build relationships rather than destroy relationships.
  
• Forgive
  .  To forgive is a noble trait one can possess.  It is not easy to forgive particularly if the resulting pain one has caused is intense.  But in not forgiving, one is tied to a painful past.  Let the pain remain in the past and let the self grow with the new experience. Conflict resolution entails giving up the urge to get back at one.
  
• End conflicts that can't be resolved.
  In a
  relationship, two or more people are involved.  Resolving conflict could also call for disengaging from a conflict even if it goes against the grain.  Silence when called for is still conflict resolution.  This could be very difficult to do but if one is committed to change and to strengthen relationships, resolving conflict in positive constructive ways must be mastered.