A Chosen Life (24 page)

She made to pull her hand away before her Kuna got too strong, but Tolen held on. He laced his fingers through hers and started rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. His eyes met hers and the look she saw there made her hands start to shake.

It was like seeing fire.

The smell of eucalyptus and roses swirled in the air and Tolen dropped her hand.

“Ouch.” He rubbed his hand on his jeans.

Macy’s face burned. She focused on calling the heat away from her smoking palms.

“Sorry,” she mumbled. What was it with this kid? How did he do that?

His head shot up and he met her eyes with a curious expression. “The next time you want me to stop holding your hand you just have to ask.” He chuckled softly, ran his fingers from her elbow to her wrist, and lightly tapped her palm. “Thank you Macy, for talking to me and spending time with me since we’ve been here, for being my . . . friend . . . ” He stood up and waved. “See you later.”

The fire rolled back to Macy’s palms. She closed her eyes and held her breath trying to keep the heat inside. She heard him leave but she couldn’t move. Never before had she had to try so hard to hold in her Kuna.

Why? Why did he touch her like that? Maybe that was how they were in his family— really affectionate . . .
really weird
. It wasn’t because he actually
liked
her, like romantically or anything. No, he was nice, like Bastian kept saying. Weird, but nice.

Her heart resumed a normal pace and her Kuna eased to only the slight burn she felt deep in her chest all the time.

Yes, that was definitely it. Tolen was just nice. She’d have to keep him from showing his niceness anymore or she was bound to do something really embarrassing.

She pulled herself off the floor and fervently hoped Bastian had been too preoccupied with his planning to pay attention to what his Chosen wards were doing.

With a shake of her head, she hobbled off in the direction of the kitchens, ignoring the flutter in her stomach at the thought of Tolen’s touch.

o o o

Tolen hurried out the door and shook his tingling hand, berating himself with each step. He should have helped her up. He should have offered to walk with her to dinner. She probably would have said no, but it’s what a gentleman would have done. He was such an idiot. She had a way of muddling his brain.

Worse was the fact that he had to admit to himself that he’d wanted to touch her for a while. The more time they spent together, the more drawn he was to her, and he was beginning to doubt it had anything to do with the fact that they were both Chosen.

No, it was more just Macy herself that drew him. When the arrogance was off her face, it left a childlike vulnerability in her eyes. When Tolen looked into them, he could see a tiny glimmer of the young girl whose human life had been stolen from her and he felt overwhelming compassion for her loss.

His heart had been broken by what happened in the canyon, Macy’s had been shattered ten years ago. She’d learned to put the pieces back together in her own way. How could he begrudge her that, even if she could be annoying sometimes?

She had more depth to her than any girl he’d had the slightest interest in at school. He found himself constantly trying to get her to smile or laugh, just so he could watch her. She was beautiful, but it was more than skin deep. She was good, and fascinating, and so much more than he could ever deserve.

She was human.

And he wasn’t.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked past the cafeteria toward the bathing area. Suddenly he didn’t feel like eating.

Chapter Twenty-One

Nightmares

The next week at the Binithan passed much like the first few days. Tolen trained twice a day. They ate. They slept. The monotony was predictable, safe, and he liked it. He’d learned a lot in a short amount of time and was beginning to feel more confident with his abilities. In fact, the only thing he seemed to be really struggling with was Macy.

They still ate together and talked, but ever since he’d held her hand, she’d been more distant. Careful.

He hadn’t meant to scare her off, but maybe it had been for the best, even if he didn’t like it. They weren’t the same. He was Hidden kind. She was human. They were only meant to be together as Chosen fighters.

So why did it bother him so much?

It had become such a distraction that he’d been having a harder time accessing his abilities. It was ten times as hard to call the warmth than it had been when he’d first healed his hand and discovered his signal. He tried thinking of his empathy for others to bring it out, but it wasn’t working as well as he knew it should be.

He didn’t want to blame her for it. He knew it wasn’t
her
fault, but he couldn’t help but feel a little resentful toward her. Did she feel nothing for him at all?

Sometimes, he would catch her looking at him. Sometimes when he was near her, he thought he could smell the strange scent she gave off whenever she was about to use her gift, and he wondered if she also felt that pleasant energy when they were together.

He wanted to talk to her about it, but he felt too stupid. What if he was wrong, and she didn’t feel anything for him, and he just embarrassed her with his questions? Instead, he continued the game, talked about simple things, and didn’t touch her again.

He shook his head and turned his attention back to the doorway as Macy limped by. She was pacing the hall outside the room the Doogar had set up for the three of them. It was more of a large area, not necessarily a room, with two arched open doorways leading to the other living quarters and the training rooms. Bastian had left again “to council” after breakfast and still hadn’t returned. It was driving Macy crazy.

Tolen checked his watch. It was 10:30 p.m.

Obviously, they wouldn’t be leaving tonight. Bastian had had them pack up and get ready to leave three nights ago, but they still hadn’t left. The Doogar were getting anxious. More and more Dark servants were scouring the Lava Beds, patrolling the known exits and on the lookout for secret ones. Tolen suspected their postponed departure had less to do with Macy’s healing, and more with his faulty shield. He just couldn’t maintain it for more than a few hours, less if he was practicing with his abilities.

He watched Macy limp by again. She still favored her left arm and leg, but she didn’t let it slow her down. Tolen hadn’t asked if he could heal her again, but he had considered having Bastian hold her down while he did it anyway. The occasional painful twinges he felt as his weird abilities connected to her well-being only made it that much harder not to think about her.

He tugged off his sneakers and stretched out on his bedroll. Like Bastian, Tolen found that it was a lot more comfortable to stretch out on the floor than to try and fit across three tiny beds.

He watched Macy pace a few more lengths until his eyes began to droop. He turned on his side and drifted off . . .

Areen Parks stood in front of him, her thin arms crossed over her chest, her white lips pressed into a hard line.

“Mom?” Tolen reached out toward her but the closer he tried to get, the farther away she appeared. “Mom? I’m so sorry, Mom! Wait!”

Her image shimmered and disappeared. What little light there’d been disappeared and the blackness loomed thick and heavy as oil. Cold, bone-aching cold, pushed down on him, paralyzing him. Tolen needed to get out. He could barely breathe. His eyes couldn’t focus through the gloom.

An eerie, flickering blue light appeared from somewhere above in the windowless room. He looked up and saw a dripping torch hung high on the wall. The wall seeped with black liquid that trailed down and disappeared somewhere in the darkness.

He had been here before.

He shuddered, his heart pounded, and sweat ran down his face.

“Tolen . . . ” someone whispered hoarsely from beside Tolen’s feet.

Tolen’s eyes moved toward the sound without his control.

The man was lying on his side, his knees drawn to his chest. The filthy rags he wore barely covered his emaciated body. His elbow length hair, the color of bracken, was wispy and tangled. The skin of his face, stretched tight over his skull, looked bloodless and waxy. If it wasn’t for the shallow rise and fall of his chest and the fact that the man had just spoken, Tolen would have believed him dead.

The man’s skeletal hands curled into claws as they reached up into the nothingness. His dead eyes fixed on Tolen’s face.

“TOLEN!” Bastian shook him roughly.

Tolen bolted upright and vomited on the floor beside him.

Bastian handed him a wet rag and he wiped his mouth.

He looked up to see Macy, white as a sheet, crouched on the floor staring at him.

“Are you all right?” Bastian put a hand on his shoulder.

Tolen nodded, but the image of his father flicked across his vision again and Bastian quickly thrust a bowl towards him. He threw up again and again until there was nothing left in his stomach.

Helga appeared with a glass of water and a fresh cool rag. She put the rag on Tolen’s forehead, cleaned up the mess, and then left again quietly.

Tolen lay back down and rolled over to face the wall. Tears leaked out the corners of his eyes.

“Tolen,” Bastian whispered.

“Just leave me alone for a while. Okay?” he mumbled.

It was several seconds before he heard them both get up and move to their own beds. He heard the squeak of Macy’s mattress and the rustle of Bastian’s blanket. He squeezed his eyes more tightly shut and willed the picture to leave his mind.

His mother was gone, along with the only life he’d ever known, and he would never know his father because he was going to die in the Shadow Prison. He was failing them. He wasn’t strong enough. Tolen wrapped his arms around his head and tried to curl into a tighter ball as the anguish ripped through him. He should have saved his mother; he shouldn’t have left her there. He should be out trying to save them both. But he didn’t know how.

Bastian started to sing, low and soft, and the anguish slowly faded to despair so heavy it felt like a lead blanket had been placed over him. Tolen opened his eyes and stared at the wall.

It could have been hours or minutes later that Bastian sat beside him again. Tolen wasn’t sure how long he’d been lost in a stupor.

“I will make you a promise.” Bastian’s deep voice was gentle and soothing.

Tolen continued to stare at the wall.

“The Doogar have determined our route to the Radia Warriors camp, and the leader there is a very powerful and good Sphere. I believe they can offer us the protection we need while you learn to master your shield. Once you do, I will ask the warriors if they will help you try to rescue your father.”

Tolen blinked and turned to look at the Watcher.

Bastian’s eyes were filled with sadness. “I cannot promise you they will agree to it. But the Radia Warriors are the best qualified for such a mission.”

Tolen pulled the damp rag off his head. “Can you understand that I need to at least try?”

Bastian looked at the floor. “Yes, Tolen, I do, but I cannot in good conscience allow you to go there untrained. You simply do not know enough. It would be like sending a lamb to the slaughter. I am sorry.”

The despair got heavier. “But you’d be with me and you know plenty.” He said without hope.

“Knowledge does not bring limitless power. Sometimes, it just helps you know when to act and when not to.”

“I can’t let him die, Bastian.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat.

“I will do what I can. I promise. The Radia Warriors can help you train.”

“What if it’s too late?” He whispered.

Bastian sighed and glanced down at his hands.

“Then that would be his fate,” Tolen muttered. “You already told me that. Sorry.”

“Do not apologize Tolen, you are in a very unique and difficult position.” He patted Tolen on the head and stood up. “Helga left you some Soreah. It will help you have a dreamless sleep. Rest, we shall leave in the morning.”

“For sure this time?”

Bastian nodded, but looked worried.

o o o

Macy stared up at the ceiling listening to Tolen’s soft snores. Her eyes burned and the lump that had lodged itself in her throat refused to leave. Why did it hurt so much to see Tolen suffering like that? It felt like her heart was going to jump out of her chest when he’d started thrashing around screaming and she couldn’t get him to wake up.

She’d run as fast as her leg would let her, screaming for help.

When Bastian couldn’t get him to wake up either, she’d been so scared that something Dark had found a way to take him.

So scared it made her angry. For the past week she’d tried not to think about him in any way other than a friend and fellow Chosen. She’d forced down any stupid, romantic thought that tried to enter her head. They were different. They had a job to do. There could never be anything more between them. And she’d felt like she was doing a pretty good job until now.

As she watched him struggle during the nightmare and then again after he woke up, her chest hurt so bad she wished she could light something on fire just to let it go. Deep down, she knew it wasn’t her Kuna beating for release from her chest, it was her heart aching for someone else.

She clenched her fists on the bed, gritted her teeth, and squeezed her eyes shut. Bastian touched her arm.

A single traitorous tear broke free and trickled down her face onto her pillow.

o o o

Tolen shivered involuntarily. The hidden Doogar tunnels Kiad, Elryn, and Deegan had been leading them through the last two days were not warm, comfortable, or illuminated with golden light like the Binithan. They were narrow, dark and damp, and reminded him too much of his nightmares.

Bastian told him they were heading toward Klamath National Forest where it met the border between California and Oregon, but underground it was easy to lose your sense of direction. For all Tolen knew, they were going in circles. One cave looked like the next. Sometimes he could hear thunder and knew they were close to the surface, other times the only sounds were their own footfalls and the drip of water somewhere in the darkness.

Kiad said that sometime today they would enter the final tunnel that would take them as close to the camp as they could get. Tolen was grateful. He was exhausted, not only from the trek itself but from the effort of shielding himself. It was so hard. Learning to use the weapons and words of the Hidden had been so much easier than shielding.

He tried to focus on the invisible quivering tug inside his body that said his life force was shifting the Balance. He tried to concentrate on resisting the tug, pulling back the warmth, and holding steady. He tried to distort the signal he sent out, but everything had become more difficult since the nightmare. The hopelessness blanketing him because of his lack of progression in his abilities, fed by the guilt that he wasn’t ready to go after his parents, made everything seem heavier and harder.

He started panting and Bastian touched his shoulder from behind.

“You are doing fine. You will not have to hold on very long once we reach the surface.”

Tolen nodded but didn’t say anything for fear everyone would hear the nervousness in his voice. It was bad enough having Bastian know what was going through his head without making the others think he was a wimp.

“No one believes you are a wimp,” Bastian whispered quietly enough that no one could hear.

Tolen shoved his fists into his pockets and walked faster, wanting distance between himself and Bastian. Of course, the Watcher understood and slowed down.

“What’s the hold-up?” Macy asked from behind Bastian.

Tolen walked faster.

Macy hadn’t said three words to him since his nightmare. Sometimes, he caught her looking at him with what he thought was a sad expression, but she’d quickly looked away so he couldn’t be sure. At first, he’d wondered if he’d offended her when he’d asked to be left alone. But it felt more like she didn’t
want
to be around him.

His shoulders slumped. He was so tired. Tired of caring what Macy thought. Tired of trying to be good at something he barely understood. Tired of trying to prepare for whatever destiny was waiting for him that no one wanted to tell him. Tired of pretending he didn’t miss his mother and Dane like crazy. Tired of waiting for someone to finally say he was grown up enough to hear the truth.

His foot caught on something and he stumbled forward.

“Are you okay?” Macy’s voice came from directly behind him.

Stunned, it took Tolen a few seconds to respond. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He stood up and dusted his knees off. Macy must have passed up Bastian when he’d backed off. She wasn’t letting her sore leg slow her down.

“Tolen?” Kiad’s voice echoed back to them.

“I’m coming.” Tolen started to walk forward and Macy brushed his back lightly. His skin burned where her fingers touched him.

“Are you really okay, Tolen?”

His jaw flexed, knowing she wasn’t talking about his stumble. “Do you really care?”

Macy sucked in a breath but didn’t say anything.

He pulled away from her hand and followed the bobbing light of Kiad’s torch, ignoring the guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach.