A Cry For Hope (2 page)

“Sure,” I responded. Steven took my hand in his and we walked out onto the dance floor.  My legs were shaking as we began to move back and forth. I had dreamed about Steven for the past year…what his perfect pouty lips would feel like on mine, what he smelled like, and what it would feel like to be in his arms. Now, being so close to him, I realized that his lips weren’t so plump, he didn’t smell like anything special and his arms…well, they were just like anyone else’s.  He pulled me closer and I closed my eyes to block out Nick and Heather and, at the same time, imagined that
I
was the one in Nick’s arms. I knew it was wrong to be thinking such thoughts, but I couldn’t help myself.  Steven loosened up his grip and I opened my eyes. I smiled when I saw Nick tapping him on the shoulder. Steven graciously backed away and allowed him to cut in on our dance.

Nick wrapped his arms around my waist, while I put mine around his neck. “Well, well, well, Abate. You unglued your hands from ‘Barbie’s’ butt.” I looked over at Heather standing at the punch bowl with her friends, Gina and Terri, a.k.a.
Malibu and Skipper.

“Haha, you are so funny, Hope!”

I stood on my tiptoes and whispered in his ear, “If you get to first base, I’m dying to know if she’s using tissues or paper towels.”

Nick looked at me strangely. “What?”

“To stuff her bra.”

He shook his head and laughed. “You are crazy, Hope!”

“I know, but that’s why you love me.”

My head rested on his chest as he pulled me closer. The music changed to Mariah Carey’s “I’ll Be There”, and the butterflies began to flap around in my stomach.
This is Nick, your very best friend. Make those darn butterflies fly away!
Nick’s hands began to wander until they finally found their way onto
my
“danger zone”. I heard him snickering, and I looked up at him and smiled. “Watch the hands, Abate!”  He flashed me his double-dimpled grin, moving them up to the small of my back. “Much better,” I said with a smile.

His lips were coming dangerously close to mine. I had never really kissed a boy. Well, actually, I
had
kissed Nick before, but not in a “real kiss” way. But something in Nick’s eyes was telling me that I was about to experience my first real kiss with him. His lips gently grazed mine, making the hairs on my arm stand at attention. His tongue gently pried my mouth open. I allowed it inside and followed suit, sticking mine in his. He hugged me tightly as our tongues danced to the beat of the music. He tasted sweet, like bubble gum. A gentle touch on the lips was the perfect ending as the music stopped. We stared at each other and we both began to giggle. I was smiling on the inside when I looked over Nick’s shoulder and saw Heather Braverman, who had been eyeing us the whole time, rolling her eyes and walking out the door.
Take that, Barbie! He likes Raggedy Ann!

“Can you share some of that gum with me?” I asked, breaking up the awkwardness. He took his gum from his mouth and ripped off a piece.  He popped it in my mouth and I smiled. “Hey, thanks, pal!” I said.

“Anytime.”

Yup, Nick and I were the very best of friends, until the worst possible thing in a fourteen-year-old girl’s life happens…her very best friend moves away.

I know what you're thinking. You'd hoped that Nick and I would fall in love and live out our happily ever after, right? But that's not what happened. This is the story about my family. My beautiful son, my once perfect husband, and finding the courage to live and feel whole again.
If it wasn’t for Nick, I wouldn't have been able to truly recognize the strength that I had inside of me. His friendship was one of the happiest memories of my past and, unbeknownst to me, a very important part of my future…

I sat at the ocean’s edge as Charlie jumped the waves. This was our happy place. The place where we had spent most of our summer days.  At eight-years-old, Charlie was quite the swimmer. Still, I made sure to always keep a close eye on him. The ocean was a dangerous playground and, as much as Charlie loved it, I knew that it could turn on him in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, on that warm August day, it did and there was nothing I could do to save my little boy. He became one with the ocean and my entire world ceased to exist…

I would love to be a bird. A bird could live wherever they want. Pick up and fly away to a far off place when their life became too much for them and never return.

I sat on my patio, watching the cardinal sitting on the fence. He had flown over some time ago and appeared to have an injured wing. For the moment, he seemed to be very content with where he was. As I stood up and moved closer, he cocked his head to the side as if he was looking into my soul. For one brief second, I felt a strange connection with that beautiful creature. Then he flew away, wounded wing and all.

Just eight months ago, I would have never dreamed of leaving my happy nest. I had everything that I ever wanted…a beautiful child, a great husband, and a perfect home. Now I had nothing. My heart, my soul, and the reason that I breathed, my Charlie, was gone. My husband was now a stranger, and my beautiful home was just a house…a house filled with guilt, blame, and sorrow.

I took a deep breath and walked inside to finish getting dressed. I was attending one of Jamie’s work functions, feeling much more like a paid escort than his wife. I knew the drill. Make myself look pretty, put on a smile and
pretend
that we were still that perfect couple from a short time ago. Everyone there would pity me and then whisper behind my back once I walked away. Jamie would have a little too much to drink, and we would come home and have meaningless sex, which would be just as robotic as the rest of the night. It’d last for five minutes, then Jamie would get up and go to the spare bedroom where he was now sleeping every night. I’d cry myself to sleep, feeling lower than low, knowing that my husband, the man that I loved so much, the man that I used to make love to for hours, needed a good buzz before he could even touch me.

Jamie entered the kitchen, his short, blond hair still a little damp after just getting out of the shower. He was wearing his dress pants, and was holding his dress shirt in his hands.

“I could iron that for you,” I offered, very meekly.

“I got it,” he said, looking off into the distance. I couldn’t remember the last time his ice blue eyes looked into mine. Part of me was saddened by it, but the other part was grateful. Jamie’s eyes were a mirror image of Charlie’s and I wasn’t sure if I was able to face that just yet. I headed up the stairs and got dressed. I hated keeping up appearances, pretending that I was someone I wasn’t, but I was willing to do it for Jamie and his career. He had just made partner in his law firm, and I knew that these work functions were key to helping him secure that. I had given up my career in computer graphics to be a full-time mommy. Since I no longer had that title, I had gone back to my true love, photography, and was now working part-time at a local studio. It allowed me to escape into my own little world for a few hours a day, while doing something I loved. 

I looked at the reflection staring back at me from the mirror. I was still that same brown-haired, brown-eyed girl that I had been my whole life, but I was a completely different person on the inside. Most days, I had to force myself to get out of bed, and it took every ounce of energy in me just to exist. I tightened the spaghetti straps on my short black dress that was, basically, hanging off me. I wasn’t pleased with the way that I had withered away to nothing, but my nerves wouldn’t allow me to eat.  I threw a few curls into my hair and headed downstairs, walking into the kitchen where Jamie was deep in thought, texting on his phone. “I’m ready,” I said, catching him off-guard and causing him to jump and turn around.

He was still so handsome, the same man I fell in love with twelve years ago when my cousin, Tina, introduced him to me. Jamie and Tina’s husband were college roommates and best friends. It was the summer after I graduated college, and Jamie had just finished up law school. I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on him on that warm July day at the beach. His tanned skin, his blue eyes, and his perfect body made my heart leap from my chest. It was love at first sight. We married almost two years to the day of meeting and I hadn’t looked at another man since.

“You look nice,” I said in an effort to make conversation, which was very rare between the two of us these days, but he didn’t respond. He grabbed his keys and I followed him out the door. Gone were the days that his eyes would light up and he would tell me how beautiful I looked when he saw me walk down the stairs in a new dress. It wasn’t that long ago, but to me it felt like a lifetime.

We arrived at the cocktail party and, just like a rehearsed play, I performed my role to a tee…smiling when necessary, shaking the hands of new people that I was introduced to, trying my best to strike up intelligent conversation.  The whole time ignoring the longing that I would feel inside of me when Jamie would wrap his arm around me, which was also part of the façade.

I shook hands with a pretty redhead that I had never met before. She looked to be around my age, in her early thirties. “Hi, I’m Nina Oliver. I’m one of the new lawyers with the firm.”

“Oh, hello. I’m Hope McAdams,” I said, putting on my best forced smile.

She looked at me sympathetically, as if she already knew my story.  I hated that total strangers knew everything about me and pitied me for it.

“It was really nice to meet you, Hope,” she said, before staring into my eyes one last time.

I decided that, tonight, I would be the one that had a little too much to drink. I had just downed my third glass of wine and was beginning to feel a little lightheaded. Jamie was off somewhere, leaving me feeling awkward and alone so I decided to step out onto the terrace to get some fresh air. I wrapped my shawl around my shoulders, fighting off the cool April night, as I looked up at the beautiful dogwood trees that were just starting to bloom. Their pretty pink flowers were a beautiful promise from nature every year after a long harsh winter. I wondered how life could continue to go on when mine seemed to stop that day on the beach.  I shivered just thinking about it. I stepped down from the terrace and took a walk down the long cobblestone path to the beautiful English garden, admiring the daffodils and tulips that were in full bloom. I couldn’t help but think what a beautiful photo op this place would be. I breathed in the crisp night air one last time and turned around to head back inside, stopping when I heard muffled voices coming just beyond the forsythia bushes. I poked my head around, then wished I hadn’t. I gasped when I saw Jamie sharing a very passionate kiss with the pretty redhead that I had been forced to put on a fake smile for earlier.

I could feel the wine and what little food I had eaten churning in my stomach as I quickly made it back into the restaurant. My entire body was shaking uncontrollably, and I hoped to make it into the bathroom without falling down and making a spectacle of myself. I was in such shock that I was unable to smile back at the attractive blonde lady that was holding the bathroom door for me on her way out. I quickly entered the stall and closed the door.  I leaned up against the wall and let my tears flow. Reality was finally setting in. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I had lost my son and, now, I had lost my husband.