A Cry For Hope (6 page)

I took a muffin from the basket and slathered on some butter. I anxiously waited for my coffee to get done, and sat down at the kitchen table, trying to put my thoughts in order. What the hell was I going to do with my life? I was going to be thirty-four in two months; didn’t have a job; wasn’t sure if I even had a husband anymore; and my main reason for getting out of bed each morning was gone and never coming back. How was I even going to begin to put my life back in order?

I took a quick shower, threw on a little makeup, and placed my long, dark hair into a messy bun. I looked in the mirror, thinking that I didn’t look half bad for a girl who was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I decided to take the short drive to the beach to help me clear my head.

I got out of the car and wrapped my sweater around me tightly. The wind was whipping off the water, but I didn’t care. I took a long walk along the ocean before sitting down in the sand. My mind began to go in a million directions.
I walked out. I left Jamie…the one thing that I said I would never do.
But Dr. Draven was right. Maybe we had to repair the hole in both of our hearts before we could even think about mending the one that was deep inside our relationship. I looked around the desolate beach. In a few months, this place would be filled with people enjoying the warm sun and cool water. But on an unseasonably chilly April day like today, I was the only one foolish enough to venture into the harsh winds. The cool mist coming from the water and the salt air on my face mixed perfectly with my tears. I took a deep breath and looked out at the water, this powerful force of nature that took my baby away. I hated it. I loved it. I couldn’t take my eyes from it. Ironically, the same thing that had caused my heartache was now providing me with a sense of solitude. I had always loved the beach. I grew up in this tiny little New Jersey beach town that held so many happy memories. When Jamie and I had gotten married, he was just a few years out of law school and working for a law firm two hours north so we had moved there and planted our roots. Our house was located in a beautiful beach community, perfect for raising a family, but it wasn’t home. Now, without Charlie, it felt like a foreign land.

As I looked off in the distance, I saw someone else braving the chilly winds and going for a run. As he came closer, I began to feel a strange sense of familiarity. He was handsome and very well built, but that wasn’t it. I knew him from somewhere. I shook off the feeling as he ran past, not even noticing me.

My mind began to shift once again to the look on Jamie’s face and the sadness in his eyes when I told him that I was leaving. The stomach-churning sickness began to overtake me when I thought of him with another woman.
My Jamie.
The love of my life, making love to another woman. I squeezed my eyes tightly and shook my head, trying to erase that vision from my mind. Today was his birthday. I wondered if he had gotten the card that I left him. I wondered how he was spending it, or
who
he was spending it with. And, most of all, I wondered if he was feeling as alone and miserable as I was right now.

I finally got up when my ears became numb. I walked back to my car, sat in the driver’s seat, and held my hands over the heating vent in an effort to warm them up. I pulled out onto the main road, still unable to shake the cold.  I smiled when I saw the sign, “John’s Diner Grand Opening”. Underneath it read, “The Best Hot Chocolate Around”.
Hot Chocolate. That’s exactly what I need.

I walked into the newly-remodeled diner that used to be a hole-in-the-wall greasy spoon. It was apparent that the new owners took pride in it because it had been lovingly restored. I immediately got a homey, comfortable feeling when I walked in the door. The huge burning fireplace only added to that feeling. I waited at the counter to place my to-go hot chocolate order. My eyes widened when I saw the familiar stranger that I had seen running on the beach earlier walk out from the back. The ski cap that he had on his head while he was running was gone and, even with his super short buzz cut, I knew that face instantly…Nick Abate, my best friend all throughout elementary school and middle school. We had lost touch once we started high school because his parents divorced and he moved to Massachusetts to live with his mother and stepdad.

“Nick?!” I couldn’t contain the smile on my face.

His brown eyes widened. “Hope?” He instantly displayed that double-dimpled smile that I remembered from so long ago. He threw his arms around me and I instinctively hugged him back. He placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me up and down. “You have not changed a bit, girl!”

“Oh, you are much too kind!” I joked.

He motioned for me to sit down at one of the stools at the counter, then sat down next to me.  “Are you living back here now?” I asked.

“Oh, no.  I’m home on leave and I’m just helping my dad out with his new place,” he said, looking around the small cozy diner.

“Your dad owns this now?” I smiled.

“Yup.” He smiled back.

“You’re on leave? From where? Army, Air Force?”

“Marines.”

I raised my eyebrows. “The Marines? Wow, Abate, I’m impressed!’

He chuckled and shook his head. “So, how you been, Hopie?”

I shrugged my shoulders instead of lying. “I heard about your dad. I’m really sorry.” I nodded in appreciation. “I saw him the last time I was here four years ago, as a matter of fact. He was with your little boy.” My whole body tensed up. I closed my eyes to chase away the blow to my heart. “Beautiful kid but, then again, look at his mom.” I bit my lip and tears streamed down my face. His smile was quickly replaced with worry. “Hope, are you okay?” he asked, handing me a napkin.

I nodded and wiped away the tears, trying to pull it together.  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned your dad. I know how close you guys were.”

I shook my head. “No, that’s okay. It’s my son.”

He creased his forehead. “What about him?” he asked with concern.

“He passed away eight months ago,” I said, finally looking into his eyes.

“Oh, my god, Hope. I am so sorry.” He took a deep breath and looked away.

“It’s just still really…”

He took my hand in his. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Hope.”

I smiled, wiping away another tear. I looked up when I heard someone approaching the counter. “Hey, Dad, you remember Hope Foley…I mean - what’s your married name?” He laughed.

“McAdams,” I responded.

“Oh, Hope! Of course I remember you! How can I forget you and Nick setting the woods on fire with your little campfire that you had going.” He laughed.

A smile stretched across my face. “Oh, my god. I remember that! I was grounded for a month!”

“See, Dad, I told you it was all her fault.”

His dad laughed and shook his head.  “I remember you two kids getting on the bus together on the first day of kindergarten.”

“I think I have known you my whole life, Nick,” I said.

He nodded. “Yeah, it seems that way.”

“Hey, Nick, would you mind keeping an eye on the place. I have to run to the bank, then check out another bakery for desserts.”

Suddenly my ears perked up. “Oh, have you tried Mary’s Sweet Tooth on Columbia Avenue? She makes the best desserts around and she’s an awesome lady,” I chimed in with a smile.

“No, I haven’t,” he said, smiling. “That just happens to be right up the street from the bank. I’ll stop in.”

“Make sure you tell her that her daughter sent you,” I smiled.

“I sure will!” he said, walking out the door, leaving Nick and me alone.

“So what can I get you, Hope?” he asked.

“Actually, I’m dying for some hot chocolate! It’s freezing out on that beach!”

“Ah….wimp!” Nick said as he got up and began to make the drink. “I just did my five mile run. It’s not bad at all!” he said, squirting on an extra dollop of whip cream. “Taste that.” He placed the oversized mug in front of me.

I took a sip. “Perfect.” I smiled, licking the whip cream from my lips.

He smiled back. “So are you here visiting your mom for the day?” he asked.

I looked away, not knowing how to answer that question. “Umm, kind of indefinitely, trying to figure some stuff out.”

He gave me a sympathetic smile and nodded as if he was reading my thoughts. “Got ya’,” he said.

“So what about you, Abate? What’s your story, besides being a big bad Marine?” I said, playfully punching him in the arm.

“Not much to tell.”

“Oh, come on. I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of different places in this world. I would love to hear about them.”

He shook his head and looked away. “Trust me, Hope. You don’t want to hear about any of the places that I’ve seen.” I could hear the anguish in his voice.

I looked up at the couple that had just walked in. Nick had a look of alarm on his face. Clearly, he wasn’t comfortable with the restaurant scene. “Allow me to put my waitressing skills from back in high school to use.” Nick smiled at me with gratitude. I walked them to their table and they declined menus, both ordering burgers.

“Two burgers, medium-rare,” I said to Nick.

“Umm….are you a good cook?” Nick asked, pleading.

“I’ve been known to cook a mean burger,” I said, following him into the kitchen. He looked around for the patties and I placed them on the hot, flat top grill. “The thing is to keep flipping so they don’t get like hockey pucks.”

“Whatever you say,” Nick said.

I waited for them to cook, then removed them from the grill, garnishing them with lettuce, a tomato slice, and an onion.

Nick brought out their burgers while I got their drinks. “Did you guys need anything else?” I asked.

“Nope, we’re good!” the woman smiled.

“I owe ya’ big time!” Nick said when I walked back up to the counter.

I waved my hand at him as if it were no big deal.

A look of relief washed over his face when his dad walked through the door. “Sorry, I tried to get back before the lunch crowd started packing in. You can blame Hope’s mom and all of her delicious desserts, which will now be on the menu.”

“Wow! That’s awesome, Mr. Abate!  You will love her baking!”

“Oh, I already do. She was letting me sample everything. What do you think took so long?” he laughed.

“Well, Hope took over while you were gone,” Nick said.

“Thank you very much, Hope.”

“You are very welcome.” Suddenly, the lunch crowd began pouring in.

“Of all days for Janet to have called out,” Mr. Abate said.

“Well, I can help out. It’s not like I have anything else to do today.”

“Oh, Hope, you are an angel,” he said, giving me a hug.

I grabbed an order pad and went to work. I was on the go for two hours until the lunch crowd finally started dwindling down.

“Look at you go, girl,” Nick joked.

“Hope, you were a lifesaver!” Mr. Abate said, taking a break from the kitchen.

“It was fun! Are you going to need help for dinner?” I asked.

“Oh no, we don’t do dinner here. Just the best breakfast and lunch around.”

“Well, since my services are no longer needed, I’m going to head out.”

Nick’s dad reached into his pocket and tried handing me some money. “Oh, no. No payment needed. I had too much fun.”

“Hope, I have to -.”

“I’ll take her out to dinner as a form of payment,” Nick chimed in, cutting his dad off.

I smiled. “Thanks, Nick, but that’s not necessary.”

“I know it’s not, but I want to. Besides, we got a lot of catching up to do.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Okay.”

“Tomorrow night at seven? I’ll pick you up at your mom’s.”

“Sounds great,” I said, giving both him and his dad a warm smile before heading out the door.

The wind had picked up and clouds had rolled in, making the temperature feel like it had dropped another twenty degrees. I got into my car and pulled out my phone. I pulled up Jamie’s name in my contacts and began to type.
Happy
Birthday.
I stared at my phone.
Don’t do it, Hope. If he wants to talk to you on his birthday, he will call you.
I quickly hit the cancel button before sending it. The pain in my heart that had temporarily lifted for the past few hours slowly came creeping back in.