A Cry For Hope (3 page)

I slowly opened my eyes to tiny little kisses on my forehead. I smiled when I finally focused on Jamie’s bright, beautiful eyes staring into mine. “Good morning, beautiful girl.”

“Morning,” I said, stretching my neck to see the time on the clock.

“What are looking at the clock for? It's Sunday and Charlie is at my parents so you know what that means?”

I shook my head and tried to hide my smile. “I'm sorry, but I haven’t a clue as to what you are talking about,” I joked.

“Morning sex and lots of it.”

I giggled as he pulled the sheet over our heads and we made love for hours.

I rested my head on his chest and could no longer ignore the clock.  “Umm, it's ten o'clock. You're parents are dropping Charlie off in an hour, and I have to be at Tina's baby shower by noon. So how about if I make you some breakfast and we get this beautiful day started?”

“It already started quite nicely,” he smirked.  I shook my head and kissed him on the cheek before jumping out of bed, and throwing on my sweats and tank top.

He turned on his side and stared at me. “Why are you getting dressed?” he asked.

“Because I'm going to make you breakfast.”

“You know what would be really great?”

“What?” I asked.

“You, cooking me breakfast, naked.”

“You little pervert. Didn't you get enough this morning?”

“Hope, I can never get enough of you. You should know that by now.”

“Aw, you are so sweet. Now get your cute little ass dressed and get down into the kitchen,” I said, kissing him gently on the lips.

I was just taking the last piece of French toast off the griddle when Jamie came downstairs in just his pajama bottoms. I loved that I could look at him all these years later and still feel the same butterflies in my stomach that I had on the first day I met him. He was so handsome, making sure he kept himself in shape by hitting the gym every day. I placed the plate in front of him, along with a cup of coffee.

“Aren't you eating?” he asked.

“Too many calories. Plus I'm going to be pigging out at this shower this afternoon.”

He shook his head at me in disapproval. “I'll have a bowl of cereal or something.”

I walked over to the closet and pulled out the bag containing the baby shower gifts for   Tina, who was having a baby girl next month. I had so much fun shopping for it. I pulled the dresses out of the bag and smiled at them. “Look how cute these are,” I said to Jamie. “I just love shopping for little girls.”

He looked at me sadly and I knew exactly what was going through his mind. He was still trying to get over the guilt that he had over not being able to have another child. He was diagnosed with testicular cancer six months after Charlie was born, and the radiation from the treatments he had received made him sterile. It was the scariest time in my life, and I was just so relieved when he went into remission that nothing else mattered to me. Charlie was our one and only, and I was completely okay with that. I just wished that Jamie would stop feeling inadequate because of it.

I put the dresses down and walked over to him. I sat on his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. “You and Charlie are my world, and I don't need anything else to make that world complete.” I pressed my forehead to his and softly kissed him on the lips. I looked up at the clock. “Hey, we have exactly a half-hour before Charlie and your parents get here. I say we conserve water.”

He smiled. “Oh, yeah? And how are we going to do that?”

I stood up and grabbed his hand, leading him up the stairs. We were already half undressed by the time we reached the bathroom. He reached back into the shower and turned on the faucet, his lips never leaving mine. I stepped under the water and he followed, closing the shower door behind us. We stood under the oversized showerhead, allowing the warm water to envelop us as his lips crushed down on mine. He pushed me against the shower wall, trailed his tongue down my neck, and encircled my nipple.  He lifted my leg and wrapped it around him, then eased himself inside of me. “Hope, you are my angel. You feel so fuckin’ good, baby. No one makes me feel like you do,” he whispered in my ear.

I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows. “Nobody else better even try.”

“Never. You are the only woman I will ever need.” He moved in and out of me, taking my breath away with each thrust. Jamie and I had no barriers. We were able to say and express exactly how we felt to each other. I always felt completely at ease with him, even the very first time we had sex. He just had a way to him. He was my lover and my best friend, which made sex with him seem even more intimate. I gently dug my fingernails into the wet skin on his shoulders. “Oh, my god, Jamie!” I screamed. His moves became quicker and harder, as my back thumped against the shower wall.

He let out a slight groan and buried his face in my shoulder. “Oh, god, I love you so much,” he whispered in my ear. I hugged him tightly while he caught his breath. He began to sing the lyrics to our wedding song,
Steal My Heart Away
by Van Morrison. This was something he would always do after we made love, and it always managed to put a huge smile on my face.

“I’m feeling very blessed,” I said, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“Life cannot get any better than this,” he said, kissing me softly on the lips.

The car ride home was just like the car ride there -- silent. However, this time, I didn’t feel compelled to even try and make conversation. I hadn’t said anything to Jamie about what I had seen. It hurt too much to even think about so I did my best to ignore it, pretending like it never happened. We walked into the house and I readied myself to head upstairs to bed.  “Umm, don’t forget that we have an appointment with Dr. Draven tomorrow.”

He rolled his eyes the same way he always would at the mention of the therapist’s name that we had been seeing for the past eight months. “What time?” he managed to ask.

“Three.”

“Well, I have a two o’clock meeting so I’m not making any promises.”

I moved closer to him and could see the uneasiness in his eyes with me being so near. “I can only do so much, Jamie. If we want to make this work, it’s going to have to be a joint effort.” He looked away as if my words pained him. I stood there, waiting for his response, no longer able to control myself. Jamie was
my
husband, not that phony little redhead’s, and I wasn’t going to give up on him, or us, that easily. I grabbed his arm and pulled him into me. I couldn’t get my lips on his fast enough. He caught me off-guard when he kissed me back just as eagerly, before coming to his senses and pushing me away. His rejection stung. “Tell me, Jamie. Do you tell her that she’s the best you’ve ever had? Do you hold her and sing to her after you’re done making love to her? Or do you make her feel just as worthless as you’ve made me feel these past eight months?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“The pretty little redhead that felt so sorry for your poor pathetic wife when you introduced me to her tonight. Tell me, does she pity me for what happened to Charlie, or does she pity me because she’s fucking my husband?”

He didn’t know where to look as he tried escape his embarrassment. “Look at me, Jamie!  Look at me and tell me that you’re willing to walk away from everything we have and I’ll be gone. I’m not ready to give up on us, but if you are, then just say the words and I’ll stop trying.”

“Hope, stop it!”

“Stop what? Stop trying? Stop trying to have the man that I love more than anything in this world love me back? Stop trying to make myself feel worthy of your love again? What do you want me to stop, Jamie?”

“What do you want me to say, Hope? That everything’s going to be okay? That things are going to be the way they used to be between us? Because I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. Or do you want me to take you upstairs and fuck you like a stranger, the same way I’ve been for the past eight months?”

“I don’t know what I want any more, Jamie. I miss my husband. The man that I could tell anything to. The one that I used to laugh and cry with. The one who would hold me in his arms and comfort me whenever I was feeling down.”

“He’s gone, Hope. He drowned in that ocean the same day that Charlie did.”

I bit my lip and fought the tears. “So what are you trying to tell me? That I’m just keeping myself afloat in this marriage only to have you never resurface?”

His eyes filled with tears. “I wish that I could answer that question for you, but I can’t. Because, the truth is, I don’t even know the answer to it myself.”

I grabbed a napkin from the counter and wiped my eyes. I tried to catch my breath between sobs and gain enough composure to speak coherently. “I’m sorry for taking my eyes off him for that split second that day. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I loved him, too, and I’m hurting just as much as you. If it makes you feel a little better by punishing me for it this way, then I’m willing to subject myself to it because I still love you so much that it hurts.”

He looked down at the floor before looking back up and finally locking eyes with me. “If I can’t even fix myself, how the hell can I even begin to think about fixing us?”

I closed my tear-filled eyes and whispered, “I don’t know, Jamie.” I walked up the stairs to my bedroom with a heavy mind and an even heavier heart. I changed into pajamas and wrapped myself in my comforter. I grabbed the pillow on what was once Jamie’s side of the bed and hugged it tightly, crying myself into a fitful sleep.

I sat in Dr. Draven’s waiting room, only half paying attention to the game that I was playing on my phone. 2:57, and no sign of Jamie. Dr. Draven’s door slowly opened, and he walked out and said his goodbyes to his two o’clock appointment. He smiled and waved me in.

I took a seat on the large leather couch and waited for him to get his papers together. “Is Jamie not coming today?” he asked.

“Umm, he had a meeting that he must not have been able to get out of.”

Dr. Draven looked at me sympathetically as if he was reading my thoughts. He folded his hands and crossed his legs.  “So, Hope, how has this past week been?”