A Fallow Heart (18 page)

She clenched her teeth, bowed her head, and squeezed her eyes closed. “I’m not.”

“Christ.” His hand trailed up and down her arm where her skin had begun to prickle, his warm fingers chasing away the cold. “Your arms are freezing.”

And he was so warm. Soaking in his heat, she cowered closer, tucking her head just under his chin. She heaved in a gulp of air and absorbed the faint smell of leather and musk he radiated.

Sharing his body heat with her, he rubbed both her arms briskly. “Better?” he asked after a minute.

She nodded, too afraid to look up and too deliciously warm to move away.

“Good. Now repeat after me. Everything is going to be fine.”

She couldn’t help it; she smiled. “Everything is going to be fine,” she parroted into his chest.

“That’s more like it.” Humming out his appreciation, he hugged her tight, then eased his hold. “Why don’t we sit down?”

He immediately lowered himself without waiting for her response, and she found them going down with her settling on his lap. She should’ve been scandalized, but she was too afraid for Lexi, and too warm and grateful for his comfort to move.

Cozy and protected, she closed her eyes, relaxing against him as her mind traveled into the past.

“Thinking about your miscarriage?”

She zipped her gaze up to find soulful brown eyes watching her. When his gaze fell to her hand, she took her fingers away from her abdomen where she hadn’t realized she’d been rubbing small circles. Blushing madly, she tucked a lock of dark hair behind her ear.

“Just because it happened to you doesn’t mean it’ll happen to Lexi,” he said.

God, how did he keep reading her mind?

“I know. I just…it’s not going to stop me from worrying until we hear news otherwise.”

“Yeah. I don’t reckon it would.” He stroked her hair once then dropped his hand, looking regretful. “Do you ever wonder what she would’ve been like if she had survived? Your baby, I mean.”

Jo Ellen blinked and lifted her attention from his knee she was balancing on. The hard muscles under her bottom didn’t even budge. When their gazes met, she swallowed. “Why did you say
she
?”

His eyes flared and the tops of his cheeks flamed pink. Glancing away, he cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I just…I always imagined a miniature you. So whenever I think on it, I automatically slip in the feminine pronoun.” He looked embarrassed as he glanced away.

Her heart swelled as she confessed, “I always picture a little girl too.”

His attention swerved back to her, his brown eyes seeing too much.

She’d never told anyone that, and she sensed he knew it. After she had come home from losing her baby, none of her relatives had spoken of it, acting as if it had never happened. Well, Grady had acknowledged it in a roundabout way. After his wife, Amy, had a miscarriage, he’d called Jo Ellen and begged her to come visit.

“
Please, she needs you. You’re the only one who understands what she’s going through
.”

Amy had taken her baby’s loss badly and refused to talk to Grady afterward, refused to talk to anyone. Grady’s call had sounded so desperate Jo Ellen had immediately returned to Tommy Creek. She’d spent two days with Amy, sitting beside her. But her sister-in-law hadn’t talked to her either. So she’d gone back to Dallas. The next day, Grady called and thanked her, reporting how Amy had finally spoken to him.

It was so strange. The loss of an unborn child affected every woman different. Jo Ellen just hoped Alexa wouldn’t have to experience it for herself.

“I bet she would’ve had your dark hair and blue eyes,” Cooper mused. A wistful smile lit his full lips.

Jo Ellen grinned fondly as well. “Yeah.” She hoped so. Any reminder of Travis would’ve been—

“Do you think…” he hesitated, his brow furrowing as if he suddenly wasn’t sure if he should continue.

Jo Ellen opened her mouth to encourage him to keep talking. She liked wondering about what could’ve been. But Dexter darted into the room, making her gasp and fly to her feet.

Her face heating madly, she yelped, “Dexter!” and smoothed down the front of her shirt in a nervous gesture.

He paused, blinking at her then Cooper before he glanced around the waiting room. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Uh…Emma Leigh had to go home to feed Brand.” Jo Ellen waved her hands to encourage him on with his news. It was impossible to tell from his appearance and expression how things were. His clothes were wrinkled, hair a wild mess, and lines of exhaustion strained his face. “How’s…everyone?”

Dexter beamed, his features lighting with pride and excitement. “Lex is tired but doing great.”

Pressing her hands to her lips as her relief made her almost dizzy, she whispered, “And the baby,” but she already knew. He was okay. Thank God.

“Five pounds, two ounces,” Dex crowed. “His lungs aren’t quite fully developed yet, so they have him on a respirator. But other than that, he’s got all his fingers and toes and a head full of Lexi’s coppery hair.”

Happy tears pricked Jo Ellen’s lashes. “Can we see him?”

“Sure, just come to the window of the nursery. I’ll go make certain the shades are drawn up for you to look in.” He hurried off and Jo Ellen followed, distinctly noting how Cooper trailed along behind.

She couldn’t ignore his presence, especially when Dex abandoned them in a hall and slipped into the maternity ward. A minute later, he lifted the blinds and waved their attention to a corner, pointing out a tub with the nameplate reading Clayton Glen Pratchett.

Behind the chicken wire glass, the baby on the breathing ventilator kicked and screamed. His face turned a deep red as he let everyone know he did not appreciate his breathing treatment.

Jo Ellen wiped at her eyes, reveling in the sight of new life. “Well, it doesn’t sound as if anything’s wrong with his lungs.

Beside her, Cooper chuckled. “He sure is an active little critter, isn’t he?”

She glanced sideways at him, surprised by his interest and enthusiasm. She liked what she saw, liked his large and steady presence beside her, liked his warmth still invading her limbs. A craving filled her to step closer and press against him so he’d loop a supportive arm around her shoulders.

But he kept a respectful foot of space between them and slid his hands into his back pockets as he watched Dexter and a nurse crowd around the infant bassinet to soothe Clayton Glen.

“I think the boy just wants his mama,” he interpreted. When Jo Ellen didn’t answer soon enough, he turned his attention to her. His grin dropped when he found her watching him. “What’s wrong?”

She licked her lips, pushing aside the ache in her chest. “We should probably leave the new family to their privacy. It’s been a long night. They need their rest.”

Chapter Twelve

In the cab of Cooper’s darkened truck, the long ride back to Rio’s bar for Jo Ellen’s car started awkwardly. He drove an older model Ford pickup, which still possessed one of those long bench seats. She couldn’t help but wonder if a lady friend ever sat in the middle of the seat, knees constantly bumping the gear shifter so she could get as close to him as possible whenever he took her out on the town. Jo Ellen knew how warm it was to sit flush against him; her body was still tingling from the contact.

Yet his tempting allure only made her more leery. She was no good at the dating thing. It was safer to stay away, especially when she found someone who interested her; the more she liked a man, the more it hurt when he left her.

A lonely shiver passed up her spine. She huddled next to the passenger’s side door and stared out the window at the black night.

Cooper glanced over. “Are you cold?” He immediately reached out to tone down the A/C.

Instead of telling him she actually felt a little warm, she rasped, “Thank you.”

He cleared his throat. “So you’re staying with your parents while you’re in town?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

Not a very forthcoming answer, but she didn’t know what else to say. She wanted to encourage the conversation, but words escaped her.

He didn’t ask anything else, probably assumed she didn’t want to talk, which only made her feel worse. Yes, she wanted to steel her emotions against him but she didn’t want to alienate him completely. She still had ten years’ worth of guilt to apologize for.

By the time they rolled into the bar and grill’s now-empty parking lot—save for her hybrid—shame gnawed at her conscience.

When he geared into park, she rotated toward him and blurted, “Cooper, I owe you an apology.”

She could see his eyebrows arch in the glow of the dash lights as he met her gaze. “You do?” Surprise and confusion coated his voice. “Why’s that?”

“I…”
You came back to Tommy Creek to make things right with everyone, Jo Ellen. So spit it out, already.
“I’m…I just…” Mercy be, she really sucked at this. Sighing out her defeat, she ran a hand through her hair and muttered, “I don’t know how to deal with you.”

As soon as the words passed her lips, she flinched, not sure why she’d gone and revealed
that
to him.

“You…” He sounded even more bewildered as he fumbled with his words before managing to ask, “Why? Have I insulted you in some way?”

“No!” She rushed to assure him. “No, it’s not that at all.” Then she shrugged, though she knew exactly why he unsettled her. “Just the opposite actually. You’ve been too nice, and I don’t deserve it. I…there’s just so much uncomfortable history between us, so many unresolved loose ends. You know things about me only my closest family knows. And you’ve kept my…my teenage issues private for me all these years.”

“Jo Ellen.” He blew out a long breath, sounding exasperated if not a trifle insulted. “If you’re afraid I’ll blab—”

“No!” Yet again, she was quick to calm him. “No, I know you’re reliable. I just…I mean, you…God, you must think I’m a total slut.”

His eyes actually widened as he sputtered. “Not at all.”

She narrowed her gaze unable to believe him. “Not even after that night?” she insisted. “I know I came onto you. And I was probably already pregnant. I remember reaching for your…your…and you pulled my hand away, stopping me.”

As he flushed and coughed into his fist, she felt her own face grew hot. Ducking his head, he mumbled, “I didn’t stop everything you tried.”

The heat that had just filled her cheeks drained out immediately. “Oh my God. I gave you a hand job, didn’t I?”

Instead of sending her a guilty nod, he burst out laughing. She caught her breath, drawn by the honest, open sound. Everything about this huge, beautiful man was so honest and open; polite and courteous. He was simply too good to be true.

“No,” he managed to say through his chuckles. “You didn’t do that.”

Her shoulders slumped, a little bit with relief and strangely enough, a little bit with disappointment. She felt like an oven top, the burner constantly changing from bright orange to no color while her body only grew hotter, because her face which had been chilly a second before, and hot a second before that, returned to scalding.

Curious, she had to ask, “So…um, what exactly
didn’t
you stop me from doing?”

“A kiss,” he admitted nearly on a whisper. His pale brown, whiskey eyes lifted. “Then another kiss.”

She cleared her throat, trying to remain professional, unaffected. With a nod, she hoarsely admitted, “I remember some kissing.”

“Do you remember when I braced your back against the wall of your house right by the back door?” he asked. He seemed closer all of a sudden. She would’ve sworn he hadn’t moved, and she knew
she
hadn’t moved, but the space between them looked entirely nonexistent, when there’d been plenty of room a second ago. “And how I kissed you some more, our bodies pressed tight, our hands all over each other, our mouths open and seeking?”

“No,” she croaked, gulping as her throat contracted, unable to help but envision the scene he drew as if she could almost recall it exactly as he described. “I don’t remember that.”

He confirmed it with a bob of his head. “Then I, uh, I lifted my knee…up between your legs.”

Heat suffused her…between her legs. She could dang near feel him there now, his warm, thick leg wedged tight against her as she—

“You rode my thigh until…”

When his words drifted off, her eyes grew large. “Until?”

His eyes dilated as he stared at her, his pupils so large they nearly swallowed the whiskey color whole as he confessed, “Until you came.”

His quiet simple words made her body spark, a phantom bolt of pleasure igniting inside her.

Her lips parted. “I…I…?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“Oh,” she barely breathed out the word.

“So you see.” He paused to clear his throat and glance out the front windshield at her parked car. “I’m the one who owes you the apology. I took advantage of you in the most intimate way possible. Then I went and upset you when you were pregnant, caused you to have a miscarriage, and—”