A Funny Thing About Love (32 page)

‘Sit with Ilsa,' Daniel told her. ‘It gets crammed at the back.'

Ilsa looked not unlike humpty-dumpty, sitting pre-cariously on a tiny red plastic child's chair, as all the adults were forced to do. Carmen sat next to her and felt uncomfortably like Goldilocks. Any minute she expected the chair to give way under her weight, for a tiny voice to shout out,
Look who's been sitting on my chair! And she's broken it with her massive buttocks!

‘Lucky you, seeing the Christmas concert,' Ilsa said. ‘It must be love.' She managed to turn round and look at Daniel wistfully. ‘Not that I can blame you.' Then she frowned. ‘Sorry, I really must stop saying things like that. I feel as if there is no filter between me and the rest of the world right now; I keep coming out with absolutely outrageous comments.'

‘It's okay,' Carmen replied, ‘I promised Millie I'd come.'

Ilsa moved nearer to her so she could whisper, ‘And looking round, do you get why Daniel is such an object of desire?'

Carmen did a quick scan of the hall. It confirmed her impressions from the playground that many of the dads could have done with a good wash and brush-up, a haircut
and a change of clothes. She counted only two dads in a suit. The rest were all staunchly casual, and while there were a couple of cuties, neither was in Daniel's league.

‘I see what you mean,' she whispered back, wondering if it was entirely appropriate to be cruising the dads at a children's concert.

‘And look at that specimen over there!' Ilsa exclaimed, pointing at a man with wild black curly hair. He hadn't shaved for several days, had a slightly hangdog expression and he was wearing a huge, baggy black-and-white striped jumper with holes in the elbows, ripped jeans and a pair of battered Adidas trainers. ‘I mean, would you want to shag that?' Ilsa continued.

‘No way!' Carmen replied. ‘He looks like he needs a sheep dip, never mind a bath!'

Ilsa did one of her cackling laughs, causing the surrounding parents to look at her with raised eyebrows. ‘He certainly does! That's my husband.'

Carmen was mortified. ‘I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.' Oh God, how did she get out of this one? She could hardly say, actually I do want to shag him, as she now knew who he was.

‘No, I'm sorry, Carmen, I was just teasing you. You have to allow a vastly pregnant woman her bit of fun, especially when she is with a man who looks more like Stig of the Dump with every day that passes.' She lowered her voice, ‘He'll look like that until I can finally bring myself to shag him again. Sorry,' she said again, ‘too much information. I just can't stop myself, it's that no-filter thing again.'

At that moment Stig of the Dump caught sight of Ilsa and made his way over. He managed to navigate his way along the rows of parents and then sat down next to Ilsa. As he passed by her Carmen caught a whiff of stale roll-ups. Stig definitely did need a bath and a change of clothes.

‘Josh, this is Carmen,' Ilsa introduced them. Carmen and Josh leaned forward so they were both looking at each other across the mini mountain of Ilsa's bump.

‘Hi,' Carmen said, hoping that Stig, sorry, Josh couldn't lip-read.

‘Hi,' Josh replied. ‘So you're the minx going out with Daniel.' He smiled and actually had a sweet face under that four-day-old beard. ‘Just make sure you're never alone with the other mums or they will probably torture you to find out what Daniel's like.'

‘Oh, she's already told us!' Ilsa exclaimed. ‘He's absolutely fantastic and brilliant at—

Josh cut across her, ‘Okay, Ilsa, maybe this isn't the time to reveal the extent of Daniel's sexual prowess. I think the concert is about to start.' But he was smiling. Josh/Stig didn't seem so bad and Ilsa was smiling back at him.

A young female teacher sat down at the piano and began playing ‘Good King Wenceslas' as the children began filing in, dressed as kings, shepherds and sheep. The sheep were wearing jerkins covered in cotton wool, and white bobble hats, and raised a laugh as they made a few random bleats on their way in. Carmen smiled and gave a little wave at Millie who was dressed as a
king, in a long red velvet cloak and gold crown which kept slipping into her eyes, and looking incredibly solemn. Harry was also a king and looked equally solemn. Carmen looked around and saw Jess and Sean sitting at the opposite side of the hall. Jess gave her a brief smile. The music stopped and then, after a signal from their teacher, some forty children chanted in unison, ‘Good morning everybody, welcome to our show.' It was very sweet. Carmen loved seeing the look of complete concentration on the children's faces as they remembered the actions to the songs and the words. She tried not to dwell on her situation but it was hard, because as she watched the children she knew how wonderful it would be to be watching her own child. In a few years' time Nick would be watching his child, and Will would be watching Octavia.

The amused expression on Ilsa's face was replaced with one of glowing maternal pride as her little boy, who was the innkeeper and dressed in an apron at least three sizes too big for him, acted his part with gusto. Carmen would be okay so long as they didn't start singing ‘Away in a Manger', a carol which had had the power to reduce her to tears even before she'd found out she couldn't have children. Carmen forced herself to think of all the things that made her happy and all the many reasons to be cheerful. She caught sight of Violet gazing across the hall at Daniel, a look of intense longing on her face, and she realised she envied her. Yes, she was the one who was going out with Daniel but Violet had children, Violet could have more children.
And then the children launched into ‘Away in a Manger'. She dug her fingernails into her palms.
Be happy, Carmen, be happy, Carmen
, she intoned to herself, trying to drown out the painfully sweet voices of the children.

Somehow by the time she caught up with Daniel at the end of the performance she had managed to put a lid on her emotions; besides, all the parents were too caught up looking at the children to notice her.

‘Wasn't she fantastic!' Daniel exclaimed, coming over to Carmen and blowing a kiss to Millie as she filed out of the hall with her class.

‘Brilliant,' Carmen agreed, waving at Millie.

Daniel watched his daughter all the way out of the hall and then the joy seemed to go out of his eyes as he said flatly, ‘I just wish her mother could have seen her. Every time we have one of these school events I can just see her scanning the rows, a look of hope on her face that maybe, just maybe her mummy might be there.'

Carmen reached out for his hand. ‘You were there.'

He held her hand tightly. ‘And you were, and I really appreciate that, Carmen. Millie really likes you.' Now why did that lovely comment make Carmen want to cry again? This was exactly why she loathed Christmas, too emotionally loaded for its own good.

Daniel had to dash off to work and Carmen caught up with Jess and Sean in the playground. ‘Harry was fantastic!' Carmen told them enthusiastically, but the
words died in her mouth as she saw that the couple looked terribly strained. ‘Is everything okay?'

Sean glanced at her. ‘I'll leave Jess to answer; I've got a train to catch. One of us has to work.' And with that he strode out of the playground. His navy overcoat flapped behind him like a reproof and it hadn't escaped Carmen's notice that he had not said goodbye to Jess.

Carmen looked at her friend. ‘What is it, Jess?'

Jess frowned and pulled her red scarf tighter round her neck. ‘Not here, can you come round to mine?'

‘Sure,' Carmen replied. There was no chance to talk on the way as so many other parents were heading in their direction and it was clear Jess did not want anyone to overhear. It was only when they were inside the house that Jess opened up. She'd been accused of being drunk in class and had been suspended from work.

‘Of course it's absurd!' Jess exclaimed, enacting her all-too-familiar routine of denial. ‘It's some bloody student who's got it in for me, but because the college are so paranoid about keeping students, so they don't lose funding, it's the teachers who get it in the neck. It's fucking outrageous!' She stomped round the kitchen grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge and without even asking Carmen, poured out two generous glasses of Pinot Grigio. ‘It's fucking Christmas, alright? I'm having a drink, along with most of the population, so don't give me a hard time.'

Carmen had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She could not let this moment go. She had to lay it on the line to Jess about her drinking. ‘Are you sure you
weren't drunk in class?' Carmen said quietly. ‘Daniel says he's been concerned for a while that you were drinking too much.'

Jess froze, wine glass in hand, and glared at Carmen. ‘How fucking dare you! What happened to my friend, the one who was on my side? Since you've shacked up with Daniel you've become so unbearably smug. I wish I'd never introduced you. You're so obsessed with him, it's pathetic! And you know you're not the first, don't you? He could fill an entire classroom with the women he's shagged in the last year alone. You're just one in a very long line.' Wine splashed out of her glass as she pointed her hand accusingly at Carmen. ‘I feel more betrayed by you than when that bitch whore from hell shagged Sean!'

Her features were contorted and ugly with rage, brown eyes narrowed into slits of hate. Carmen was utterly shell-shocked by the venom pouring out of her friend. She hardly recognised her. ‘This has got nothing to do with Daniel!' Carmen shot back, equally passionate. ‘
I've
noticed how much you've been drinking. For God's sake, Jess, you ended up in hospital! You've got a serious problem and you're in real danger of losing everything.' Carmen got up from her chair. Her voice was shaking with emotion. ‘You've got to get help, Jess. Please. I'll do whatever I can; I'll look after Harry if you go to a clinic. I know you can beat this, Jess, you're such a strong person.'

There was a pause when Jess silently glared at her. Then she spat out more venom. ‘Oh, you'd love that,
wouldn't you? Looking after my son, playing at being his mum, just like you're playing at being Millie's! No wonder you want Daniel so much, you've got your own ready-made family. Everything's worked out so perfectly for you, hasn't it? How lucky for you, Carmen. Well, you can fuck off out of my house. I don't need you in my life. Go on, go back to your pretend family. I don't want you anywhere near mine.'

Somehow Carmen stumbled up the stairs and out of the front door.

She sobbed all the way home, oblivious to the curious looks of passers-by, oblivious to the cold biting wind whipping at her body. Her jacket was open but she was too dazed to do it up. Somewhere deep down she knew that Jess didn't really mean those terrible words, that she was lashing out because of her addiction; but Carmen couldn't be rational now. The things Jess had said had been so cruel, and so wounding.

There was no word from Jess in the days that followed. And Carmen felt too hurt and too battered to contact her friend. She spoke to Sean and he told her that things were very bad, that unless Jess went into rehab he would leave her and take Harry with him, but not even that threat seemed to impact on Jess who was still drinking, stopping only when she passed out. Not wanting their son to see his mother in this state, Sean had sent Harry to stay at his grandmother's as the children had now broken up for the Christmas holidays.

Carmen felt as if she had an icy shard of pain inside
her. She could not get Jess's words out of her head. It wasn't Jess's jibe that she was one in a long line of women. That she could deal with. It was the comments about Carmen wanting to be part of a ready-made family, to be Millie's mum. Those were the words she could not forget. The fact that it was Christmas only amplified the feeling, as every time she was round at Daniel's, Millie was so keen to involve her in the whole Christmas countdown, insisting Carmen help decorate the tree, going through her list to Father Christmas in painstaking detail. Even as she smiled at Millie and went along with the whole Santa fantasy, she felt hollow inside, a fraud. She knew that she would have to tell Daniel the truth. She had been living in a dream, enjoying the moment, pushing out thoughts of the past and of the future. She had reached a turning point.

The twenty-first of December – the winter solstice, the shortest day in the year and the night of the Burning of the Clocks Parade. The workshop where Carmen had met Daniel seemed to belong to another life. She'd moved to Brighton to escape her past but it had caught up with her and she was going to have to deal with it – and soon. She would have preferred to be just with Daniel and Millie on the procession, but she suspected that would be out of the question, and sure enough they were part of a large group of parents and children from school. She felt Jess's absence keenly and had a horrible sick feeling that Jess was never going to stop her destructive behaviour, that her friend was lost to her.

It was a perfect night, with a clear starry sky. There was no wind, but it was bitterly cold, a sharp white cold that got into your bones. The group had to assemble at Brighton Dome, a theatre next to the Pavilion. The children were high as kites, darting about, delirious with excitement, at the combined thrill of staying up past their bedtime and it being so close to Christmas. The adults were caught up in the children's excitement, passing round hipflasks, in between trying to rein in their offspring. There were hundreds of lanterns glowing with candles, and spectacular giant paper sculptures of vast clocktowers, alarm clocks, clocks with wings, time bombs. There were figures too – a King and Queen whose paper arms and heads could be moved by their carriers, like giant puppets. There were jugglers and acrobats on stilts, dressed in white suits and pointed Pierrot hats, drummers beating out a rhythm that got into Carmen's head. A rhythm that told her tonight was the night she had to tell Daniel. She had run out of time.