A Funny Thing About Love (30 page)

‘So why did your marriage end, Carmen?'

If she told him now it would surely ruin everything. And just lately so many things seemed to have been ruined – her career, whatever she had going with Will, her friendship with Jess – Daniel was the one bright star in her life right now.

‘Oh, so many reasons, but I guess the biggest one was that we had just fallen out of love – but it's okay between us now, and maybe one day we can even be friends.' The words came out as a rush. ‘How about you and Imogen?' Carmen was not at all sure that she wanted to hear about the lovely Imogen, but anything to deflect attention away from herself.

There was a pause. ‘What can I say? She broke my heart. I don't think we can ever be friends. Anyway, let's not talk about it, it's so depressing and it belongs to the past.' He slid his hand inside her tee-shirt and caressed her breast. It felt more as if he wanted the conversation to end, but her traitorous body was quick to respond to his touch and then they were having a fast, furious, silent fuck. It was if they could both exorcise the demons of their past. But even as Carmen lost herself in their passion, she thought that the past had a nasty little habit of catching up with you . . .

The small comedy venue below the pub in Camden was crammed and steaming hot. Everyone had stripped off coats and jumpers down to tee-shirts, and there was a pervading smell which Carmen always associated with comedy gigs of wet dogs, lager and cigarette smoke, even though no one could smoke inside any more. She herself was ferociously hot and bitterly regretted wearing her UGGs.

She had just endured two open-mic spots where both comedians or rather wannabes died, and it had been excruciating watching their efforts. Though one positive side-effect of their appalling acts had been to make Dom appear quite funny, even though his material was a highly predictable succession of anecdotes about schooldays, wanking and sex, and Carmen felt she had heard it all a million times before. But Sadie had begged her to come and see Dom, and as Sadie had made what was for her the incredible effort of going from London to Brighton more than once, Carmen thought she had better return the favour. Also, after the children conversation, she felt she needed a little time out from Daniel. She had yet again tried to meet up with Jess, to have a frank talk with her about her drinking, but,
as if Jess had some sixth sense about why Carmen wanted to see her, she had cancelled her twice, blaming pressure of work again.

During the interval Sadie was required to perform her duty as a comedian's girlfriend and go and massage Dom's ego – in other words, lie outrageously about how hilarious he had been, along the lines of yes of course she could easily see him occupying the chair next to Paul Merton on
Have I Got News for You
, except that he was so funny Paul might feel threatened by his comedy genius. Carmen was spared the lie-fest as she pushed her way towards the upstairs bar to get the drinks in. She needed alcohol and fast if she was to last through any more routines. ‘Ouch!' she exclaimed as someone trod on her toe.

‘Sorry,' the someone said. Except it wasn't any old someone. It was Will.

‘Carmen Miller, what are the chances?'

Those blue blue eyes, that face, that teasing tone. Carmen straightened her back and hoped that her make-up hadn't slid off her face in the furnace downstairs. She only liked to see Will when she was her sparkly best, especially after the night of the passing out where he had undoubtedly seen her at her worst.

‘I was dragged here by my friend who has the misfortune to be going out with a comedian – Dom, I think you might have met him. Why are you here? Shouldn't you be practising ski jumps on the dry run?'

He grimaced. ‘Don't remind me about the S word. But here I am talent-spotting, a slave to my work. I
haven't seen any so far, but hey, I've seen you, so the night's looking up.'

‘That is such a woefully bad line, Will,' but Carmen smiled in spite of herself. Daniel didn't do flirtatious banter. Carmen missed that.

‘Actually, I knew you were going to be here, Dom told me. So will you have a drink with me and save me from returning to the hellhole downstairs, where nothing has made me laugh?
Please
.'

Carmen reflected. The last time she had seen Will, at the Comedy Awards, she had been decidedly flustered; the time before that she had insulted him; and the time before that she had insulted him; and the time before that she had ended up in his bed. It would be good to draw a line under all that erratic behaviour and show that she was a woman in control.

The two of them sat upstairs in the pub, which was largely deserted. They were sitting opposite each other at a small table tucked to the side, Carmen with her vodka and tonic, Will with his pint of Guinness. It reminded Carmen of all the many hours they had spent in the Ship together with their colleagues, and she felt a pang of nostalgia for those days. As always with Will there was no small talk: ‘So how's it going with the writing and with the new man? Marcus mentioned a certain sexy gardener. I guess that's why you didn't bother to reply to my email and to my last consignment of worms.'

‘Oh sorry, I thought I had said thank you.' Carmen was such a bad liar, she could have given Pinocchio a run for his money.

‘Must have been too taken up with your gardener. How very Lady Chatterley of you to hook up with a man of the land.' Will's tone was as playful as it used to be, but Carmen wondered if she was right in detecting an undercurrent. Then again, she'd been wrong quite a few times about Will.

‘Well, it makes a change from being married to a comedian and being a comedy agent,' Carmen said drily. ‘At least I don't have to spend every night at a gig like this watching some terrible routine and pretending to like it, not that Nick's routine was bad.'

‘So what do you do?'

‘He, Daniel, is a single parent so we don't go out much. We cook. Well, actually, he cooks, I wash up; I'm a terrible cook. We drink wine, I'm very good at that, we sit by the fire which he's made, and—'

Carmen was about to say work our way through various box sets, but Will interrupted her and held up his hand: ‘It's okay, I don't need to hear about how you have great sex with him.' As so often in the past with Will all roads led back to this. ‘Isn't it enough that you taunted me with Connor the postboy? I swear he's lost some of the swagger to his step since you left. God knows who he's going to snog at the Christmas party this year.'

‘I was going to say that we watch
The Sopranos
, but since you've brought it up, yes to the other.' Carmen tilted her chin up defiantly. Yes, she was in control! For once she was not going to say something she regretted. ‘And how about you and Tash?' She stumbled over her words, ‘I meant how's the relationship going, not do you
have great sex.' Damn, it only took one mention of the slender but firm-thighed one for her control to weaken.

Will sighed. ‘Fine. We're always out at something – some gig, some show, some dinner, so actually
we
don't always have great sex because we're both knackered. And she gets up at five to go to the gym, so mornings are out.'

Carmen couldn't resist being cheeky: ‘You could have it at four fifty-five a.m.'

‘Oh, you reckon I can go for five minutes, do you, Miller? As much as that? God, I'd forgotten what a wind-up you were. I'm going to have to get the muttonometer out and say that denim skirt is very short, foxy admittedly, but borderline mutton, lucky you've got the legs to carry it off.' His face assumed an exaggerated look of horror, ‘But what are you wearing on your feet? I never thought that I would see Carmen Miller in UGGs! Have you taken leave of your senses? I'm surprised sexy gardener wants to have sex with you after seeing you in them.'

‘They don't seem to put Daniel off; I've lived in them since I moved down. Of course I don't wear them in bed.' Oh God, she was already losing the I'm-in-control edge.

‘Well, he's from Brighton, what can I say? But I always liked seeing your pretty feet and slender ankles, Miller. You should let him see them sometimes.'

‘You like my feet?' Carmen asked with some surprise.

‘You have lovely feet. I don't usually like feet, but I make an exception for yours. Tash was a ballet dancer
and I feel disloyal saying this, but her feet are seriously ugly, kind of gnarled and bumpy.'

Carmen arched an eyebrow. ‘I bet she's very supple, though.'

‘Very. Not that I get to appreciate that quality, as I'll refer you back to my earlier comment about the lack of great sex.'

Phew! Carmen suddenly felt even hotter, all this talk of sex and Will liking her feet. The flirtatious banter. It was delicious, intoxicating and, yes, exciting. The bell rang, indicating the end of the interval and Carmen started to get up. Will lightly touched her arm. ‘Don't go, stay and talk to me.'

‘Don't you need to see the acts? Sign someone up and snatch them out of the jaws of comic obscurity?'

Will grimaced. ‘I feel like I've seen it all before. Work's been shit anyway, I don't owe them anything. I'd rather see you.'

‘Even with the UGGs?'

‘Even with those sheepskin monstrosities. So how are you?' Will leaned forward on the table, his arms folded. Carmen got a hit of Amber and Lavender. Damn, why was her heart suddenly racing and the lustometer, which was supposed to be reserved for Daniel, springing into action? Was she
that
fickle?

‘I mean
really
, how are you? And don't give me one of your fob-off flippancies, like you always do.'

Wow, Will was being very direct, she was a little uncertain about how to respond. ‘Do I?'

An eye roll from Will. ‘The moment I ever felt I was
getting close to you, you would put up the keep-out signs. And I know there's something you're hiding. You are really frustrating, Miller.'

This was news to her and she wasn't sure if she liked being put on the spot.

‘Is that what you do with the gardener? Or is it all about great sex so you never have to let him in?'

‘Bloody hell, Will, what is this? Tonight I'm supposed to be watching bad comedy and drinking too much, listening to Sadie witter on about whatever Dom has or hasn't done, most likely not, knowing him. I didn't expect to be psychoanalysed when I got on the 5.49 tonight and sat opposite the woman who alternated talking loudly on her mobile and doing her nails. She was using nail clippers, a disgusting habit in public if you ask me, and a piece of nail shot across the table and nearly landed in my latte!'

‘You're doing it now, but I think you know exactly what I mean.' The blue eyes challenged her, told her that she had no hiding place.

‘Okay,' she conceded, ‘maybe I do know what you mean.' For a while they held each other's gaze and Carmen wondered what might have been if, on Will's birthday night all those weeks ago, she had gone beyond the banter.

Then in true comedy bad timing Dom came bounding over, completely oblivious to the intimate scene he was gatecrashing. ‘Hey, Will, glad you could make it, what did you think of the act? I'd appreciate any pointers you could give me.'

‘I think your timing could be better,' Will said drily.

And that was the end of the intimate scene. Dom was followed by Sadie, so then came all the introductions.

‘So you must be Sadie of the sexy voice,' Will said. ‘I've long been an admirer of your work on the radio. I bet people are always asking you to recite the shipping forecast.' Oops, Carmen had forgotten that she had told Will about Dom and his fetish for hearing about gales when he was in flagrante with Sadie.

‘You'd be surprised,' Sadie said, putting extra velvet into her voice.

‘Oh, I don't think I would,' Will replied. ‘I've heard your German Bight is unparalled and as for your Dogger, well what can I say?' Carmen had to take a big sip of vodka and tonic to avoid catching Sadie's eye.

‘Ha ha,' Dom gave an uneasy laugh, as he caught on to what they were saying. ‘I was going to put that in my routine but Sadie felt it wasn't appropriate.'

‘I think that would definitely constitute grounds for being dumped,' Will agreed. ‘Best stick to wank jokes.'

Dom looked stricken at the prospect of being dumped by Sadie, as well he might seeing as she was now bankrolling him and against the advice of all her friends she'd let him move into her tiny studio flat in Islington. But he quickly regained his composure and was back to doing what all comedians do best, talking about themselves. Maybe you simply couldn't have too much self-awareness if you were a comedian because of the awfulness of going onstage and being heckled? And all the while Dom babbled on about how this gig had gone
or that gig, Carmen thought about what Will had said to her. She knew he was right, but what did that matter? When it came to it, Will had Tash, and she had Daniel. They had made their choices. It was only as the pub was closing that Will and Carmen got to be alone again.

‘So, another ultimately frustrating encounter, Carmen,' Will said outside, as they waited on Camden High Street to hail a taxi. It was a bitterly frosty night and their breath came out in white clouds. Will had his hands shoved into his black wool jacket and his collar turned up. Carmen was shifting from UGG foot to UGG foot to keep warm. ‘I've just had a text from Tash wondering where I am. I expect your gardener is tucked up in bed, dreaming of an UGG-booted girl with beautiful green eyes.'

‘Who is wearing a mutton skirt,' Carmen replied, but was highly tuned to the compliment.

Will shook his head, and said, ‘You're doing your distance thing again.'

‘And Tash, your girlfriend, is wondering where you are,' Carmen reminded him, doing her distance thing. It was, after all, what she did best with Will. Always one step forward two steps back. Except that seeing him again was such a bitter-sweet pleasure she didn't know if she wanted to go two steps back. Will was reminding her of a time when she could be funny, flirty Carmen.