A Funny Thing About Love (29 page)

Ilsa stopped laughing, ‘To be honest, all that whale music makes me feel even more uptight – the Kings of Leon is much more my thing. And I can't help feeling nervous after what happened last time.'

Julie interpreted for Carmen: ‘Thirty-six hours of labour, with forceps followed by emergency Caesarian.'

‘Josh would like me to book in for an elective C section,' Ilsa continued.

‘But haven't you read the email I sent you which listed the statistics and experiences of women who have a natural delivery after a C section? Honestly, Ilsa, you can do it!' Violet sounded as if she was coaching a netball team, which Carmen thought quite wrong under the circumstances – it wasn't her vagina in peril!

‘Violet is really into natural birth – she had her two at home,' Julie said. She looked down at the baby still attached to her breast. ‘God, haven't you finished yet? I'd like to say that breastfeeding has helped me lose weight, but because she is constantly feeding, I've been eating even more. I need individual, low-calorie meals to be delivered to me, like a Hollywood star, and for my house to be empty of all other food. What chance
have I got with a seven-year-old son who can't live without Monster Munch and chocolate chip cookies, and a husband who has to have more cheese in the house than bloody Wallace in
Wallace & Gromit
, even though he knows that I can't, I simply can't resist a piece of cheese?'

Violet was still on at Ilsa. She was such a bully, Carmen thought, why couldn't she just drop it? What business was it of hers if Ilsa had a C section?

‘And you'll recover so much better if you have a natural birth and be up and about in no time.'

‘Actually, I'd quite like to be flat on my back so that Josh might actually pull his finger out and do something! That was the only good thing about having a C section last time.'

Violet narrowed her eyes and turned her attention to Gemma. ‘What about you, Gemma? Have you thought any more about the home birth?'

‘I'm just not up to it, Violet. I know it worked for you, but I'm too scared. I want to be in a hospital surrounded by doctors and a shedload of drugs, like last time.'

‘I understand,' Violet replied, looking as if she did not understand at all, ‘but I think you are missing out. There is something so wonderful about having a baby at home. And it is after all the most natural thing in the world giving birth. Hospitals turn it into a medical procedure.'

Carmen had recently read an article about the shockingly high number of women in Africa who die
in childbirth because of the lack of medical facilities and thought that Violet was being rather too evangelical about something which was surely a personal choice. And now Violet thought Carmen needed drawing out. ‘So, how about you, Carmen? What kind of birth do you think you'll have?' The cruel assumption of the fertile that everyone was similarly blessed.

‘I really haven't thought about it,' Carmen replied flatly. Of all the topics, why did it have to be this one? ‘But if I did have a baby I really wouldn't mind how it was delivered, just so long as it was healthy, and I definitely wouldn't think that my birth experience was lessened if I had to have a C section.' She could see Ilsa giving her the thumbs up behind Violet's back. ‘I don't think that you're a better mother just because you had a natural birth.' But her confident statement was not going to deter Violet.

‘Imogen had Millie at home. Daniel was brilliant, apparently.'

‘Did he cut the umbilical cord with his teeth? Roast the placenta and serve it up for tea?' Carmen's voice was laced with sarcasm; it was self-preservation. It didn't help that she was sitting opposite the wall of photographs, testimony to a life that would never be hers.

‘He was just very on the ball,' Julie said quietly. ‘Imogen's labour progressed rapidly and the midwife wasn't there when Millie was crowning.'

‘That's when the head is visible from the vagina,' Violet said to Carmen. ‘Breathing is everything during that stage so you don't tear.'

‘However you bloody breathe your vagina is never the same again,' Julie said bitterly, ‘whatever anyone says.'

‘Pelvic floor exercises,' Violet said sweetly.

‘Take more than that after delivering a ten-pound whopper. I asked Tony did it feel different, you know, when we finally had sex again,' Julie commented.

‘Nine months later!' Gemma exclaimed.

‘A year later!' Ilsa put in, causing all the women to cackle, giving the witches in
Macbeth
a run for their money.

Julie continued, ‘And he said “Oh no,” but he was definitely lying. He was just desperate for me to shag him again.' More cackling.

‘I know Daniel is desperate for a sibling for Millie.' Bam, Violet's comment was like a punch in the guts. ‘He's really close to his brother and sister and wants Millie to have the same experience.' She was looking directly at Carmen.

Carmen shrugged, trying her hardest to look un concerned. Channel all the good things, she urged herself, you have Daniel, she doesn't. But would Daniel want her if he knew the truth about her?

‘I'm just going to call the babysitter,' Violet said, taking her mobile out of her bag and going upstairs.

Julie waited until she was safely out of earshot before saying quietly, ‘She's okay most of the time but you have to remember she is deeply insecure.'

‘And totally obsessed with Daniel,' Carmen said gloomily. Violet's comment had really got to her.

‘Well, I think she thought their fling would lead to something more.'

Her
what
? No wonder Violet was so possessive. Why the hell hadn't Daniel told her?

‘So when was this fling?' Carmen asked, speaking very carefully and trying not to betray any emotion.

‘Oh Lordy!' Julie exclaimed, ‘I thought you must know! It was last year; I don't think it was serious, at least not on Daniel's part.'

‘I can't believe I'm asking you this, but have there been many others?'

Julie looked anxious, clearly realising that she was entering a danger zone. ‘Three that I know about, but Daniel's never seemed as close to anyone as he does to you. Please forget I said anything. I didn't mean to upset you.'

At that moment Daniel came back downstairs. All eyes turned to him. ‘So how are you getting on? I thought
Atonement
was thoughtful, provocative and moving,' he said as he walked over to where Carmen was sitting and sat cross-legged beside her. ‘I got that from a review I googled,' he added.

‘We hadn't actually started talking about the book,' Carmen said quietly.

Daniel smiled, ‘I bet you were gossiping.'

If only you knew, Daniel
. Violet returned and then for some ten minutes
Atonement
was discussed (in a nutshell they all loved it, except Violet, who was very angry about the ending being ambiguous) and then conversation turned to Christmas and what was
everyone doing, and which children believed in Father Christmas and which didn't, and was it right to pretend that a man in a red-and-white outfit squeezed himself down your chimney on Christmas Eve? Carmen nodded and forced herself to smile and look animated, but how she longed for them to return to Ian McEwan's tragic story because, painful and heartbreaking as
Atonement
was, it had the virtue of being fictional.

She felt subdued, a dull ache taking over. First the whole baby thing and then the revelation about Violet. Daniel was sweetly attentive to her, trying to draw her into their conversations whenever possible, but as they had turned out to be all about children, that wasn't easy. She could feel herself slipping into the dark place, never more so than when Julie wanted to nip to the loo and asked Carmen to hold baby Florence. Baby Florence felt surprisingly solid as she nestled in the crook of Carmen's arm; she was just two months old, dressed in a white sleepsuit with cute brown bears printed on it, with an absolute peach of a face, and she broke Carmen's heart. It was her survival strategy never to look at a baby and definitely not to touch one, but baby Florence was gazing up at her with her clear blue eyes; Carmen had no choice but to return the gaze.

I should not be holding a baby
, Carmen wanted to say.
Don't you understand? This is very, very bad for me
. Everyone was of course oblivious to the battle being waged within her, and when Julie reappeared she whisked baby Florence out of Carmen's arms as if it had meant nothing.

She couldn't wait for the women to leave, but it wasn't until eleven that they did. She confronted Daniel in the kitchen. The fire had gone out and it was cold. Carmen got straight to the point: ‘Why didn't you tell me you had a fling with Violet?'

‘Oh', came his reply, ‘who told you?'

‘Does it matter? Why didn't
you
tell me? It explains why Violet is so funny with me all the time.'

‘I just didn't think you needed to know. It was something that happened last year and since then we've just been friends.'

‘I think Violet's feelings for you are way more than those of a friend!' Carmen retorted. ‘Anyone can see that! I think she's in love with you.' Her arms were folded against the cold and as a defence. She had never felt so angry with Daniel before.

It was clearly a sentiment he shared as, after a brief pause where he seemed stunned that Carmen should be questioning him, he exclaimed, ‘Don't be ridiculous, Carmen, you're completely overreacting. I don't ask you about your past, so why this intense scrutiny of mine? I fucking hate this kind of thing.'

Daniel's handsome face was screwed up with anger, he almost looked plain. He seemed a complete stranger to her. What did she know about this man?

She shook her head. ‘I'm not having a go at you, Daniel, I just think it would have been good if I'd known about Violet. I mean, God! The poor woman! I had no idea.'

She thought back to the times she'd been snippy with
Violet, the times she had flaunted her relationship with Daniel, and felt awful. ‘But d'you know what, if it's such a problem, I'll go.'

She reached for her jacket and the fight seemed to go out of him. He walked over to her. ‘I'm sorry, Carmen, I shouldn't have snapped like that. I should have told you about Violet. I guess I feel slightly ashamed. For about a year after Imogen left I did have quite a few affairs, but I want to put all that behind me now with you. I'm sorry.'

He was back to being the Daniel she thought she knew. ‘Please don't go.' He put his hand on her shoulder and said softly, ‘You look so gorgeous tonight, I kept thinking how much I wanted you, couldn't wait for the others to go.'

Half of her wanted to storm dramatically out into the night, but the other half was already imagining being next to Daniel in bed. Self-righteousness was never going to win in a battle with lust. And she did want Daniel so very much.

In the week that followed Carmen tried to push away thoughts of Violet and Daniel – maybe he was right and that was his past and nothing to do with her. But she couldn't get Violet's comment about Daniel wanting more children out of her head. And on Thursday night as they lay in bed together she realised she had a question to ask, a question that was burning into her consciousness. She knew she absolutely shouldn't go there but couldn't stop herself. She had to put the
children question to him. ‘So, Violet said you really wanted to have more children?'

There wasn't even a beat before Daniel replied, ‘Yeah, of course – it's why we're all here, isn't it? I couldn't imagine life without Millie; she gives my life meaning. I know several couples who've chosen not to have kids and there's always something a little precious about them. They seem inward-looking to me, fussing over each other, going on expensive holidays, getting pets, just to fill that void.'

Carmen thought she might throw up. ‘Perhaps those people haven't chosen not to have children, perhaps they can't have them,' she said in a small voice.

‘Perhaps – but there's always a way, isn't there – what with IVF and things like that.'

‘Only one in three IVF cycles results in a successful pregnancy.' The statistic was etched on her consciousness forever.

‘Hmm,' Daniel said vaguely. The statistic of course would mean nothing to him. ‘You want kids, don't you, Carmen? You're a complete natural with Millie and Harry. And you were great with Florence.'

‘I do really want kids,' Carmen replied truthfully and felt the tears prickle her eyes.

‘Are you okay?' Daniel asked.

Oh, how to answer such a question? With the truth?
Well, Daniel, no I'm not okay. I'm a woman who can't have children and according to you my life has no meaning, and believe me when I say that I have spent a long time thinking the same thing, and only after a
great deal of expensive therapy, tears and support from my friends, I know that it does. It's something I'm having to take one step at a time, but my life does have meaning
. She couldn't bear to tell him THE TRUTH. So she told him something else painful instead.

‘It's just the build-up to Christmas. It really isn't my favourite time of year. It reminds me of breaking up with Nick. We'd already decided to split up before last Christmas but didn't want to upset his parents as his dad was recovering from a stroke. So we went to Nick's parents and put on this act that everything was okay. And it was just so sad.' That was an understatement. It had also been gut-wrenching, heartbreaking. She and Nick could hardly bear to be in the same room together. The only way that they had got through it was to drink from the moment that they arrived at his parents' to the moment they went to bed on Christmas Day. Carmen drank a bottle of cava and half a bottle of Baileys and passed out during
The Pirates of the Caribbean
; Nick drank a bottle and a half of cava, a bottle of Merlot and half a bottle of Jameson's. They both had the mother of all hangovers on Boxing Day but at least neither could actually remember Christmas Day.