A Heart Once Broken (30 page)

Lydia paused as a step came up behind her in the washroom.
She turned around when Sandra whispered, “Lydia, please stay for lunch. We have to talk, and I can't come over to your place.”

Lydia shook her head. “We had best just leave things alone. My heart is much troubled. But you can help me hitch Timber to the buggy.”

Sandra's face fell. “I can't do that. Amos had a very strong warning for us all, and I want to take his words to heart. And you would benefit yourself from what Amos has to say.”

“Maybe.” Lydia reached for her shawl and pulled it tight around her shoulders. “You can pray for me, Sandra. That's about all that can help right now.”

“Oh, Lydia,” Sandra sighed. “I wish we could get together again like we used to.”

Lydia hesitated. “Sandra, we can never be what we were before. I'm not competing anymore, with you or anyone. My heart has been too torn. I don't know what will happen to me.”

Sandra's smile faded. “Just don't do something foolish, Lydia. Don't jump the fence. We've already been through too much. You and I were baptized together. We have to make this together.”

“I want nothing more,” Lydia said. “And I won't do anything crazy.”

“Like go out with Rudy? Please tell me you won't,” Sandra begged as Lydia slipped out of the washroom door.

“I'll see you later,” Lydia called over her shoulder. She hurried across the yard and entered the open barn door. Several younger boys were standing nearby, and one of them asked, “Do you need help with your horse?”

“No, but thanks,” Lydia said, attempting to smile.

The boy nodded and returned her smile. She found Timber in his stall and slipped on the horse's bridle. A soft man's voice stopped Lydia cold. “I thought perhaps I could help.”

Lydia spun around. It was Harvey Miller.

“I couldn't help but notice you leaving early.” Harvey's words were gentle. “I…ah…I'm sorry about your
daett
. Can I take Timber for you?”

Lydia let go of the bridle as Harvey reached out. He hadn't waited for an answer, but simply stepped in to do what needed doing. Lydia's gaze lingered on Harvey as she followed him outside. He was thin. His pants hung heavy on him, and his beard blew over his shoulder when a gust of wind rushed through the barn door.

Harvey didn't look back as he led Timber to Lydia's buggy. He seemed to know where she had parked, and he had known her horse's name. Lydia hurried ahead and held the shafts up for him. Harvey didn't look at her as she helped him hitch Timber to the buggy. But Harvey had a ghost of a smile on his face when he handed Lydia the lines. “I hope you can stay next Sunday for the meal,” he said, then stepped back from the buggy.

Lydia hesitated. Was that all the man wished to say? Surely he had more, but Harvey just stood there with a hint of a smile on his face.

“Thank you,” she said with a nod, then called to Timber to “Get up.”

Harvey was either a strange man or still quite grief-stricken, Lydia decided. And what would she have said if Harvey had asked for a date? She had no idea. And that troubled her. What had happened to her in these past few months? Had the loss of Ezra cut so deeply that she no longer cared about anything or anyone? If that was true, this was an awful state to be in.

Lydia shivered and hung on tightly to Timber's reins as he plodded along in his usual fashion. Lydia jiggled the reins, but Timber paid her no mind at all. She settled back into the buggy seat and let the tears flow freely.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

T
imber shook his head in objection as Lydia turned to the west at Rensselaer Falls instead of north toward the Troyer home on Madrid Road. The house would be empty and she wasn't ready to go home. The solution was a visit to see Rosemary. Why shouldn't it be? Rosemary was ill and a good friend.

Lydia jiggled the reins, and Timber soon settled back into his steady pace.

Rosemary's younger sister Ann also hadn't been at the service today. Ann must have stayed home with Rosemary. Hopefully that didn't mean Rosemary was too ill to have visitors. If so, she would leave at once. The last thing Lydia wanted was to cast a greater burden on Rosemary's shoulders. The load of sickness was already too much to carry. It didn't seem possible that Rosemary had fallen so seriously ill, but if Lydia had learned anything of late, it was to expect the unexpected.

Certainly Rosemary was learning that too. How could the joy Rosemary had found with Ezra be so cruelly ripped from her grasp? It seemed harsh of the Lord to allow such a thing. But if that did happen,
Daett
's humiliation today was a small matter compared to
the pain Rosemary was facing. Perhaps that's why Lydia wanted to visit this afternoon. She might not be much comfort to Rosemary, but she could try. She held no grudge against Rosemary for having won where she and Sandra had lost. Rosemary deserved Ezra if she could win his affections.

A mile later Lydia pulled on the reins and turned into the Beilers' driveway. She parked the buggy by the barn and climbed down to tie Timber to the hitching post, then she made her way up the sidewalk.

“Is Rosemary up for a visit?” Lydia asked when Ann opened the door at her knock.

“Oh,
yah
.” Ann smiled and stepped back. “Rosemary is up in her room.
Mamm
wanted to fix a bed down here where Rosemary could be around the family, but she'd have no peace and quiet.”

“How is Rosemary doing?”

Ann shrugged and led the way toward the stairs. “They don't tell me much, and I suppose no one really knows, but I've never seen Rosemary down like this. She hasn't worked around the house since they came home from the doctor's office last week.”

“Then it must be bad,” Lydia agreed. She followed Ann as they tiptoed up the stairs.

Ann knocked on the bedroom door and waited until Rosemary called out, “Come in.”

Ann opened the door. Rosemary was propped up on the bed with pillows and held a book in her hand. She looked up and exclaimed, “Lydia! You came up the stairs so quietly I didn't know anyone was around but Ann.” Rosemary struggled to swing her legs over the edge of the bed.

“No, please,” Lydia protested. “Don't make yourself uncomfortable.”

Rosemary tried to laugh. “I'm not this helpless. It just looks so. I
can't work—that's the worst of it. Every time I've tried I get tired in a few minutes, and now
Mamm
won't hear of me trying.”

“I'm going back downstairs,” Ann interrupted. “Call me if you need anything.”

“Thank you for staying home today,” Rosemary called after Ann. “I'm so unworthy of all this kindness.”

“You just get better and I'll be happy.” Ann lingered by the bedroom door for a moment before she retreated down the stairs.

“Sit,” Rosemary ordered, and motioned toward the only chair in the room.

Lydia sat down and clasped her hands in front of her. Rosemary was a little thinner than the last time she had seen her, but otherwise she seemed as normal as ever. Lydia cleared her throat and said, “I'm so very sorry to hear about all this. Everyone is. We're all praying for you.”

“Thanks,” Rosemary said with a solemn face. “It's the Lord's will, and who are we to argue with Him?”

Lydia unclasped her hands. “Surely there must be treatments for you. The
Englisha
doctors always have them.”

Rosemary looked away. “None that I want to take a chance on. They would leave the family in terrible debt.”

“But the community…” Lydia protested.

Rosemary shrugged. “The treatments will do no
goot
. I can feel it in my bones for sure.”

“But you don't know before you try,” Lydia pressed on. “Do your
mamm
and
daett
agree with this plan of taking no treatment?”

“
Mamm
will be back to see Dr. Katz this week, but I'm sure there won't be much that can be done. But I do have Ezra.” A thin smile spread over Rosemary's face. “He comes over every other evening or so. I think the Lord gave him to me for this time of trouble. Nothing
else makes any sense. Why else would Ezra ever have paid me any attention?”

Lydia leaned forward to take Rosemary's hand. “Ezra loves you. That's why. You must not say these things in your dark hour. And I rejoice that you have Ezra's love.” Lydia forced a smile. “Clyde is taking Sandra home next Sunday evening. And you're going to get better, and live to have many
kinner
with Ezra. You must not give up, even when the road is hard.”

The faint smile flitted on Rosemary's face again. “Thank you for your kind words, Lydia. But life feels pretty dim to me right now. Never have I been this weak for this long and not been able to work. It feels as if the lights are going out in my life. Only Ezra's love comforts me. I get on my knees every night and thank the Lord for Ezra, but before long I won't even be able to get out of bed for my prayers. I guess I'll whisper them to the ceiling, which I suppose the Lord understands.”

“I'm sure He does.”

“How are
you
doing?” Rosemary asked.

Lydia gave a little sigh. “Troubles and trials, but I won't weary you with them.”

“They're not a weariness to me,” Rosemary said. “You've always been my friend, you and Sandra. Even when I stole Ezra from the two of you.”

“We were too astonished to complain,” Lydia joked.

Rosemary laughed, then sobered. “When I came home from Dr. Katz's office and passed out up here, I awoke up to see Ezra leaning over me. He lifted me in his arms, Lydia. I floated almost up to the heavens, or so it seemed. He was so strong and handsome, and I thought the Lord had taken me up Himself. How I love the man, as I have never loved anyone. Do you think that was my sin, Lydia? Did I love Ezra more than the Lord?”

“You have not sinned,” Lydia said softly. “You must not say so, Rosemary. We were made as women to lose ourselves in the love of a man. There's no sin in that. Your love for Ezra may well be what carries you through this dark time to a healing. Do not doubt what the Lord has given.”

Rosemary smiled again. “Your words are too kind, Lydia, and I'm thankful for what the Lord has given. I believe He wanted me to know what His own arms would feel like when He carries me over the river. Why else would I get to lie in Ezra's arms when I haven't said the wedding vows with him?” A shadow crossed Rosemary's face. “But I'll never get to see him with his beard once he's wed. He'll be so handsome, Lydia.” Rosemary wiped away the tears. “But I must be happy with what I have been given. It's already more than I'm worthy of.”

Lydia squeezed Rosemary's hand and waited for a moment before she could speak. “I don't know what to say, Rosemary. You are a saint, but you must not give up. We need you in the community. We really do. I don't want to lose you.”

“That's what Ezra says.” Rosemary brightened again. “You speak the things I need to hear, but we must leave it all in the Lord's hands.” Rosemary laid her head back on the pillow, her face pale.

“I'm going to leave now.” Lydia got to her feet. “I don't want to weary you.”

“Thanks for coming. You're such a joy,” Rosemary said. “You've always been—you and Sandra. But I do think I must sleep.”

Lydia nodded and retreated out of the bedroom, closing the door softly behind her to tiptoe down the stairs.

Ann met Lydia at the kitchen doorway with a sandwich in her hand. “I've made you something to eat.”

“You didn't have to do that,” Lydia said, taking the sandwich. “But thank you.”

“Rosemary treasures your friendship,” Ann said. “Thank you for being here for her.”

Ann held open the front door and was still standing there when Lydia had Timber untied and turned around in the driveway.

A great sorrow swept over Lydia on the drive home. In spite of Rosemary's brave words, the woman was very ill. Lydia wasn't a doctor, but the matter was plain enough to see. If something wasn't done, Rosemary wouldn't last long—unless Ezra's love could pull Rosemary through. Lydia hoped with all her heart that Ezra would accomplish the task. Rosemary would make an outstanding
frau
for Ezra. He deserved all the love and adoration Rosemary could give him.