A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (24 page)

“Jayden,” I said quietly and he looked up, his hair disheveled, his eyes red and raw. My words froze in my throat as I looked into his eyes, so full of pain already. Even more than my heart ached for Lexi, it ached for the man she would leave behind.

“What did they say?” he asked, his face was so full of hope that it was almost physically painful to say the next words.

“It’s not good. They weren’t able to repair what they needed to. They were able to stop the bleeding, but it may not help. They’re going to do a test tomorrow to determine if she will be able to function on her own.” I said and his hands started to tremble. He nodded. I didn’t think he could take any more, so I stopped.

It was a long night with just the three of us in her room. Kimberly had gone home to get another change of clothes for Jayden and me. She was incredibly supportive of Jayden and I couldn’t help but let my judgment of her slide some. Her brother was hurting and she was doing everything she could to lessen his burden. Somehow she read in him, his need to be alone with Lexi and me and when he still told her just to stay at home, she didn’t argue. There wasn’t anything anyone could do until morning. Jayden and I spent a very long night taking turns talking to Lexi and holding her hand. Neither of us slept, neither of us wanted to put it into words, but we couldn’t bear to waste what little time we had left with her. Thankfully, her muscle spasms had lessened with the new medication they had put her on, it was killing me to see the hope in Jayden’s eyes each time that she moved.

“I’m going to miss you, Lexi, and I’m so sorry,” Jayden said over and over each time that it was his turn to sit and hold her hand, didn’t know what he felt he was sorry for, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. There would be time…after…to talk to him about it. Again, I could barely suppress the urge to take him into my arms and just hold him. His pain, which seemed to eclipse mine, thoroughly nearly brought me to my knees at times.

When the time came, they took her for the study. She looked so small, helpless and battered. Jayden kissed her bandaged forehead and collapsed into a chair. We didn’t bother playing cards or even reading the paper. We just sat at opposite sides of her room, waiting for her to come back for our worst fears to be confirmed.

They were.

They wheeled her back in and the neurologist, a Doctor Rawlings, confirmed that she had no blood flow to the brain. The doctor asked if she had a living will and I told him that she did and that I had asked Nicole to fax it. It meant she needed to be taken off of life support. Jayden pushed me out of the way.

“NO!” he cried, facing the doctor. “She has no family, she means everything to me. Can’t we just talk about this before you just pull the…NO…I won’t let you do this!” Then he turned on me. “Ethan, please…please don’t do this. Don’t KILL HER!” The words slapped me in the face. I can’t believe that’s what he thought this was. Did he really think that I could just end her life without any kind of forethought? He had to know that I wouldn’t take this course of action if we had any other option. I had to wonder if he knew how much harder he was making this for me.

“What about her organs?” The doctor asked me, as if he hadn’t heard Jayden. “Given her age and her health, she is definitely a viable donor. Was there anything in her living will?” he asked hopefully, but I shook my head. “You should at least consider the option.”

“Can we have a moment?” I asked the doctor and he left us alone in the room.

“Ethan, you can’t do this.” Jayden begged, slightly calmer. “You can’t consider this as an option.”

“Jayden, I have no choice. She put me in charge of medical decisions for her. I don’t know why she never changed it after she moved here to be with you, but she didn’t. That makes it my responsibility.” Then, I changed tactics and lowered my voice. “She wouldn’t want to live like this, Jayden, you know that. She has no brain function. She is not going to recover. The only thing that we can do now is abide by her wishes. Now, there was nothing in her paperwork, so I think you should decide about organ donation. She is a caring and loving person. I think that she would want it. But, that will be up to you.” I said and dropped into a chair, putting my hands over my face. Could I sign the papers that led to her death? She was my best friend, could I do that to her? I wouldn’t be much of a friend to her if I put my wishes, or his wishes, over hers no matter how deep this was cutting me. Then the doctor came back a few minutes later with a clipboard and pen. I took them and sat down.

Jayden watched me, his face a mask of pure agony. As I signed the paper giving them permission to end Lexi’s life, Jayden hit the floor on his knees, his face buried in his hands. On shaky legs, I stood and headed towards the door to give them time alone. Jayden grabbed my hand as I walked by. I sat in the chair next to him and he threw his arms around my waist, his face pressed against my abdomen. He was crying so hard I could barely understand him.

“I know it’s best for her, Ethan, I just…Why couldn’t it have been me? Why her?” He sobbed into my tear stained shirt as the organ procurement manager stepped in to the room.

“Please, leave them on the table there, I’ll sign them in a minute,”

I told him and he did as I asked. Stroking his hair, I looked down at

Jayden. “Can we let her help others, Jayden? You know she would have wanted that?” He nodded. With one hand on his soft hair, I leaned slightly and picked up the clipboard and pen, signing my name quickly before throwing it back on the table and taking Jayden in my arms. It would all be over soon.

Within the hour, they were ready for the harvesting. I was immensely relieved they hadn’t called it that in front of Jayden, he was having a difficult enough time as it was. A surgical team came down to the room to prep her. Finally, the horrifying time came for her to be taken to surgery where her organs would be removed and sent to different parts of the country in order to try to save a dozen lives, giving those people a whole new chance at life, while our lives were full of grief and loss.

This would be the very last time Jayden or I would see my Lexi alive. My Lexi. I didn’t know how I was going to stand the insurmountable pain that was just on the other side of the door. Looking over at Jayden, I noticed that his stubble had taken over his handsome face. He had always been so meticulous about his hair and clothes that I’d never seen him go even one day without shaving. It was an odd thing to notice, especially now, but it just reinforced how foreign this situation was…to both of us. Jayden swayed a little on his feet and I knew that I needed to get him home and, maybe with a little pharmaceutical help, to sleep. I kissed her forehead gently and then left the room while Jayden said goodbye. He looked haunted when he walked out of the room. Waiting, we stood on opposite sides of the hall, until they wheeled her out past us and towards the operating room. That would be the last time we saw her alive.

* * *

Once we returned home, I had given Jayden a sedative that I picked up at the hospital pharmacy with the help of Lexi’s ER physician. I knew it would help him rest and not think about the horrific day. He was asleep when the call came in from the hospital informing us that she was gone. The harvesting had been a success and all of her usable organs were now in transit.

My Lexi was gone.

My best friend was dead.

I turned off my phone, swallowed one of the pills I had picked up for Jayden and went upstairs to lie down. Not even bothering with the pretense of going to my own room, I walked into Jayden’s. Discarding my shoes, I gently sat on the side of the bed so that I didn’t disturb him, before I lay back on the pillows. He must have felt that he was no longer alone because he rolled over and planted his head on my shoulder. We clung to each other, desperate for any kind of comfort. We found none.

When we awoke, we immediately began plans for her memorial service. I knew, as did Jayden, that Kimberly would have taken care of the arrangements, but we wanted everything perfect for our Lexi. We picked out the perfect casket, the perfect flowers and the perfect venue for her burial. Neither of us were very present at any of these discussions, the whole process had a surreal quality, like it wasn’t really happening. I did ask Kimberly to go through her closet to decide on what she should wear. It made Kimberly feel good to help and I couldn’t face the task. I’d been keeping Jayden quietly sedated since we left Lexi at the hospital, not because I thought he’d break down, but because I couldn’t deal with his overwhelming grief while I tried to deal with my own. My nights were spent reliving the accident over and over, each bone crushing thud, each scream played out again and again in horrifying detail.

When the time came to put Lexi to rest, quiet moments were spent on her eulogy and others were just spent in reflection. Jayden and I didn’t say more than ten words to each other the entire day. The pain of her loss was staggering.

Finally, just as we thought we would lose our minds, the day of her funeral was upon us. Jayden stood in the front with Kimberly while I stood off to the side. Gabriel, who I finally remembered to call the day after Lexi’s death, stood quietly in the back with Connor. He wanted to be there for me, but not upset Jayden and, for that, I sincerely appreciated him. Jayden delivered a beautiful eulogy to a small crowd and then we carried her to the hearse.

After the funeral, and after everyone had left the house, Jayden and I were finally alone. He just sat alone in the corner of the sitting room, gazing out the window. The pain, the lost, empty look crushed me as I watched him. It had been days since he’d slept and as I looked at him, I noticed that he was barely holding himself together. He was unshaven and his shaggy blond hair was too long. When I put my hand on his shoulder, he looked up and my sharp intake of breath went unnoticed when his ice blue eyes met mine. The depth and razor sharp pain, unmistakable in them, eclipsed mine in comparison. I crushed him to me and was hit with a feeling so incredibly strong that, for a moment, I couldn't breathe. There were aspects of it that I recognized easily -attraction…lust...but there were subtler aspects as well and they weren't as readily identifiable companionship, longing and comfort. The only way I could describe that undercurrent of emotion, strangely, was 'home'.

Was that what they had been trying to explain to me?

Was that love?

Chapter 14

“NOOOO! Lexi, stop! PLEASE STOP!!”

His scream reverberated and echoed through the hall, through the empty rooms, and right down my spine. It was the third time that week he had screamed in his sleep and just like the other two nights, my heart broke at the sound of it. I got up and adjusted my sleep pants, which had become twisted in the night – it seemed that Jayden wasn’t the only one not sleeping well. Barefoot, I padded down the hall and stood in his doorway for a moment, waiting to see if he quieted, but he still thrashed in the blankets. Other nights, I had shaken him awake and he looked up into my face before rolling away from me. It hurt. Whether he was upset with me for the decisions I had made for Lexi, or for some other reason, my heart ached as he pulled farther and farther away from me. All I wanted was to tell him that I loved him and that I fully understood what that meant, but while he so devastated with guilt, loss and pain, it didn’t seem like the best time.

I stood next to his bed and looked down at him so lost and alone. I just couldn’t stop myself from pulling back the blankets and curling up next to him. Lying on my side, I shook him hard and, finally, he woke. When he looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears and I saw everything I ever wanted out of life – right there in those eyes. Then as I reached for him, he rolled away, burying his face in his pillow. I lay there watching him, the sting of his rejection burning in my chest. As I pushed back the covers and sat up to leave his bed, he rolled back to me and threw his arms around me, pressing his face into my chest. It broke my heart to see him like that but, horribly, some small part of me rejoiced at his need for my affection. Like a lost boy, he clung to me and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, holding him against my skin. Kissing the top of his head, I stroked his hair, trying to comfort him.

“What am I going to do, Ethan? I don’t know what to do…” he cried softly into my chest. I didn’t answer. I had no answer for him. Instead, I held him, absorbing some of his grief and loss through our contact, murmuring words of encouragement and love. Finally, he fell asleep, but I stayed awake for a long time, thinking about where we would go from there.

* * *

“Ethan, you need to talk about it, you need to let it out,” Gabriel said from behind me as I rested against him on his couch. Jayden had gone back to work, in hopes it would distract him, so I had taken the opportunity go to Gabriel's. It was the first time I had seen Gabriel since Lexi’s funeral, when he had waited quietly in the back throughout the service and had given me one long, tight hug when it was over. After giving Jayden sincere condolences, he left, knowing that Jayden would need me. Gabriel always seemed to know what I needed without me telling him and that day was no exception, needed to talk and get it out. It was like a poison, seeping through my veins, invading every corner of my conscious and subconscious mind and it infuriated me.

“What do you want to know, Gabriel? You want to know how I can still feel her blood on my hands? I tried so hard to control her bleeding, but it was just...everywhere. I stood at that ER sink, for what felt like hours, washing and I could still feel it. I CAN STILL FEEL IT!” I raged at him, knowing that none of it was his fault, but I was just so angry. Anger I had held inside since the moment that Lexi had stepped off of that fucking curb that I just couldn’t contain any longer. Gabriel's face was full of sympathy, of compassion, it dialed up the rage even further. I didn't want his sympathy.