A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (20 page)

“Greet your Master properly, Ethan,” he demanded softly and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t want to be there. I thought about leaving, but wondered if maybe I might be able to get some kind of release from the session anyway. I leaned forward and performed the same actions that Connor had, only without the same level of adoration. The tasks felt perfunctory, automated. When I got to his chest, and didn’t stretch any higher, I knew that Jayden noticed my lack of enthusiasm. He stood back for a moment, thinking, and then he fell into a harder Dom mode.

“Lexi, Ethan, position yourselves on the sawhorses. Connor, help me get them bound,” Jayden said in a tight voice while Lexi stared at him. Apparently, it is not the scene they had choreographed and he asked her if she was going to do as she was told or if she was going to safe word again. She walked over to one of the horses, lay atop it, so that her body was stretched lengthwise along the padded top. He bound her ankles to the legs farthest from the other horse and her wrists to the legs nearest it. Connor gently pushed me over the other horse in a similar position so that Lexi and I were just a few feet apart from each other, face to face. I didn’t want to look at her, so I laid my cheek against the leather padded horse and just waited.

“Connor,” Jayden said from somewhere to my left, “you have been very good lately. Tonight, I’m giving you your choice. Would you like to warm up Ethan or Lexi?” I was surprised by his question. Even though I was sure they had gone through several sessions without me, I didn’t realize that Connor had progressed to that level yet. I was even more surprised by Connor’s answer.

“Ethan,” he answered from behind me.

“Very good,” Jayden said and, by the tone of his voice, I could tell that he wasn’t surprised. Then it dawned on me that Connor would not want to hurt Lexi, he wouldn’t be able to do it. Jayden realized it as well, he must have suspected what I did about Connor and Lexi and for some reason he wanted Connor to work with me. Maybe after our session the other night, it was too much for him to work with me himself. He had manipulated the boy into choosing me and that made me uneasy.

Connor chose a simple paddle and I was thankful it was one of the easiest implements to wield. As Jayden and Lexi watched, Connor paddled me soundly. I was surprised to find that, not only was I not aroused by it, I was not soothed or calmed by it either. Instead, it made me anxious. Keeping my eyes closed, I pressed my cheek into the leather, just waiting for it to be over. Jayden walked around me as I lay bound and helpless across the sawhorse. He was going to fuck me, I knew he was, and I was prepared for it. After our last experience, I only hoped that I would be able to handle it. I felt comfortable knowing that I could stop it if I needed to.

“Connor, why isn’t he hard?” Jayden asked the boy scathingly. “You are disappointing your Master, boy. You had better make him hard. Now.” Immediately, I felt Connor move behind me. My hips were over the end of the horse so my cock hung freely beneath me. Just before I lifted my head to see what he was doing, I felt his breath on the backs of my balls and my stomach twisted as he brought them into his mouth and sucked. Gabriel’s face fleeted across my vision and, suddenly, I felt terribly guilty. Here was yet another man I was letting touch me in a way that Gabriel thought only he did. As Connor’s mouth closed over my growing erection, I tried to force myself back into the moment. While my fingers tightened convulsively around the ropes binding my hands to the horse, I turned my head and pressed my forehead to the cool leather. As he licked and stroked my cock, I moaned into the leather padding. Connor was really getting good, but I still felt awkward about letting him touch me.

Then, I felt fingers preparing me. I steeled myself for what was coming. Jayden used his fingers, stretching me and I couldn’t help but moan. Then I felt his big hand on my hip and I lifted my head, bracing myself. It was then that I caught sight of Lexi’s frightened face, her mouth pulled into a grimace around her gag, her eyes wide. I turned my head sharply and saw Jayden standing to the side watching. Then, I distinctly felt myself being opened.

Jayden was going to let Connor fuck me.

“NO!” I screamed, looking up at Jayden, thankful that Connor hadn’t thought to gag me as Jayden had Lexi. “Don’t you let him do this, Jayden. God DAMN IT, stop! Untie me! Now!” I yelled and I felt Connor hesitate behind me with his hand still on my hip. I could feel something touching my ass and I knew it was his hard cock. He was just seconds away from violating me. As Jayden looked at me, I realized that I hadn’t really safe worded. Unless I did, the scene wouldn’t stop. I wracked my brain trying to remember the word we had agreed on, but I was so panicked that I could not. “I don’t remember the fucking safe word!” I screamed and then, as my eyes filled with tears, my voice broke. “Please…Please don’t let him do this, Jayden, please.”

“Connor, on your mat,” Jayden said, hurrying over to me, quickly cutting the ropes that bound me to the horse. Fragments remained tied around my wrists and ankles as I fell hard onto the floor next to the horse. I stood up quickly and nearly sprinted to the front of the room.

“Ethan…” Jayden said gently, but I ignored him and grabbed the sweat pants I had worn before the nightmare had started.

“I don’t understand, Ethan. You’re gay. I saw you on the bed with your legs wrapped around that guy’s waist. You let him fuck you. Why the hell did you safe word?” The last question came out in a slightly incredulous tone. Pulling my sweats on, I looked him in the face.

“Gabriel is a bottom, Jayden. The only person that I have ever
willingly
given myself to is you,” I spat at him, nearly sneering the word „willingly’. I wanted him to know that what he had just done had shattered my trust in him, hurting me worse than he could have known. Ignoring him as he tried to call me back, I turned and opened the door. I was in a dead run by the time I reached the stairs, not even bothering with a shirt or shoes as I grabbed my keys and phone from the table next to the front door and I was in my car before he could even get down the stairs. Once again, I did what I do best – I ran.

Nearly twenty minutes later I was sitting in my car in front of Gabriel’s house. I was about to get out, when I noticed there were still ropes on my wrists and the tears flowed. Reaching into my pocket for my knife, I realized I hadn’t grabbed it. Frustrated, I slammed my hands against the steering wheel again and again. By the third or fourth hit, I was sobbing. I tore at the knots and they finally came loose. After getting the ropes off my ankles as well, I staggered up to his front porch. Gabriel answered the door immediately when I rang the bell and was startled to find me sobbing on his doorstep. Quickly, he stepped out and wrapped his arms around me.

“Ethan, you’re freezing,” he said, rubbing my arms. Unable to speak, I just pressed my face into his neck, trying to calm myself. He pulled me slowly into the house and kicked the door closed behind us and held me. I felt him soothingly stroke my hair and my back and within a few minutes, the worst of the sobbing was over.

“I can’t…It’s too much…It’s too fast…I…” I started, not sure of what I wanted to say as my emotions were still out of control. I felt panicked, overwhelmed. I thought Jayden cared about me, how could he do this?

“Shhhhhh…It’s alright now. Whatever it is, we’ll fix it, okay? Please, baby, please, just calm down,” he said calmly, soothingly, didn’t deserve him. I was a fucking freak. He should be with someone normal, someone worthy. The thought that he wouldn’t be in my life when he learned the truth about tonight made me start sobbing all over again. He held me for another few minutes until I was able to speak again.

“Can…Can I stay over? P…Please?” I asked him, the absolute broken sound of my own voice startled me.

“Always, Ethan,” Gabriel said gently, kissing my cheek. “You can always come to me, stay with me. Always,” he reiterated and pulled back to look at me. Once he was satisfied that the worst of it was over, he took my hand and led me up to his bedroom. Immediately, I crawled into the bed while he changed into sleep pants before climbing in beside me. Opening his arms, I moved closer and gratefully laid my head on his chest, feeling his arms close around me. The panicky feeling started to subside. I whispered a word of thanks and he kissed my head.

I desperately clung to him, trying to stop my entire world from spinning out of control.

Ethan Bryant, the mask that I had worn -the one that had cracked and frayed and torn around the edges -had finally broken.

* * *

As I woke up, I started to realize that someone was holding me down. I kicked and struggled, trying to get out of their grasp, the only thing that kept flashing into my mind over and over was that
he
’d found me.
He
was going to hurt me.
He
was going to break me. Not able to live through that again, I flailed and kicked at my unseen attacker. My breath coming in wild heaving gasps I started to panic, my chest constricting, my closed eyes watering, when finally I heard a voice that broke through to me.

“Ethan…Ethan, it’s all right, it’s just me. Open your eyes.” Jayden! It was just Jayden. My heart swelled and I opened my eyes to see Gabriel holding me. The instant flood of disappointment was followed quickly by guilt. I shouldn’t have been disappointed to be in Gabriel’s arms as he cared about me a hell of a lot more than Jayden did. When my chest got tight just thinking about Jayden, I pushed him out of my mind and took a deep breath and looked up at Gabriel to find he was still watching me, somewhat alarmed.

“You stayed,” I said. Jayden hadn’t stayed to comfort me after he used me that night. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough; I had woken up alone, broken. Gabriel hadn’t left me. “I’ve never woken up with someone – for as long as I can remember -I’ve always been alone.” I’d never had a girlfriend, I’d spent all night with a sub and it really hadn’t seemed like such a big deal to me. I didn’t understand the purpose behind waking up with someone…until then. The warm contact, the feeling of being wrapped securely in his arms, it made me feel safe – until I remembered why I was there. In a single instant, it all came crashing back down on me. Looking for comfort, I wrapped my arms tighter around Gabriel and felt him respond in kind. I pressed my face into his chest and lightly kissed his warm skin gratefully.

“Of course I stayed. You were so upset last night. I didn’t want you to wake up alone.” I could be content to lay there in bed with him all day, just like this, with him gently stroking my hair. It was…soothing. Finally, I became more cognizant of my surroundings. I was in Gabriel’s bed after fleeing from someone that was supposed to care about me, from someone that wanted to hurt me in the worst way imaginable. Gabriel hadn’t moved all night, he had held and comforted me while I fought my demons, while I tamed my fear. That was an indescribable consolation.

“Thank you,” I told him earnestly. Picking my head up off of his chest, I looked around, certain I must be keeping him from something. By the look of the sun coming through the windows, I’d been asleep for some time.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?” I asked, scooting up a little to rest my head on his shoulder. I kissed his neck softly. He turned his head, kissed me and smiled.

“There was no place more important for me to be this morning than right here,” he said. “Unfortunately, as much as I would love to stay in bed with you all day, I do need to start getting ready. I have to fly to New York for a deposition.” Contrary to his words, he pushed me back into the pillows and wrapped his arms around my waist. I moaned softly into his kiss as his body pressed against me. When we broke apart, I said those four words that everyone hates to hear.

“Gabriel, we need to talk,” I said quietly and he dropped his head to my chest to lay his cheek on my bare skin. I wished that I could spare him this. He was going to be hurt and he didn’t deserve to be.

After everything that he had done, everything that he had shown me, he didn’t deserve to be hurt. We could not continue to move forward until he knew what he was getting into, until he knew exactly what kind of miscreant I was. To lose them both, is what I deserved.

“I know,” he sighed, running his fingers lightly over my stomach. “I have to be at the airport in a couple of hours and I still have to shower and pack. It will have to wait until I get back, because I’m sure it’s going to be long and possibly stressful?”

“When will you be back?” I asked him, stroking his cheek absently with my fingers, not looking at him.

“Day after tomorrow, sometime late in the evening,” he said quietly, then pushed up onto one elbow and looked into my face.

“But listen, Ethan, you don’t have to go back. You can stay here while I’m gone. I’m sure you can wear my clothes. You don’t ever have to go back…if you don’t want to.”

“Gabriel, I…“ I started but he stopped me. Damn it, I couldn’t let him get in any deeper before he knew exactly what he was getting in to.

“Ethan, you don’t have to say anything now. Just take a few days and think about it. That house isn’t healthy for you. I don’t know the whole story as to why, but that’s just my feeling.” He played with the edge of the sheet lying on my chest. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that he was absolutely fascinated by it -the texture, the color, the feel of it in his fingers. He was staring at it as if he was memorizing it.

“I love you, Ethan,” he admitted and then looked up to meet my eyes. I could feel that he meant every word. “So, just think about things and we’ll talk when I get back, okay?” I pulled his face to mine and kissed him while the guilt threatened to strangle me. There was no way that I could give him what he wanted. I didn’t know how to love or how to be a boyfriend. Most of the time, I didn’t know how to be a functioning fucking person.