A Lesson in Desire: Season of Desire Part 3 (Seasons Quartet) (2 page)

I sit up even straighter. ‘No, he didn’t! He saved me. I mean it – I wouldn’t take no for an answer, you know what I’m like. And once the car began to skid… well, you should have seen him. He was magnificent. He couldn’t stop it going over the edge but he saved our lives by limiting the fall as much as he could, and then he rescued me from the car before it toppled further down the mountain. Because of him we found shelter and made it through the hours until we were found. Without him, I’d be dead!’

My father shakes his head. ‘Without him, you’d have been safely at home! Not setting off on some fool’s errand to get to the airport. No – believe me, Miles Murray will be answering some hard questions right now. Pierre is going to question him thoroughly about what happened.’

I’m filled with anxiety. My father’s head of security is one tough nut. Just the sight of him makes me fearful, and I’m the last person who should be frightened of him considering that he’s paid a great deal to make sure that no one harms me. I hate the idea of Pierre, with his rugged face, meaty body stuffed into a tight jacket, and that salt-and-pepper shaved head of his, sitting in front of Miles.

But Miles can handle him. He can handle anyone.

The thought is comforting but nevertheless, I’m still anxious. What if my father decides that Miles’s services are no longer required? Not only would it be incredibly unfair after what Miles has just done for me, but my heart goes cold at the idea. I’m desperate to see him again even though it’s only a few hours since we were separated.

I’m about to protest and tell my father that he must not, on any account, sack Miles or punish him in any way, when I notice Estella’s eyes fixed on me, interest sparking in their sea-green depths. Immediately I bite my tongue. She’s sharp and no doubt has noted my eagerness to defend Miles. Her cogs will be whirring and I don’t want to give her any hint of what’s happened between Miles and me. I sense that she’ll always be on the lookout to turn any situation to her advantage. So I say airily, ‘Oh, well… I’m sure Miles will give a good account of himself. Maybe you’re right – he should have talked me out of the journey to the airport.’

Estella listens carefully. I hope it’s enough to put her off the scent. Just then the door to my room opens and in comes one of the consultants who examined me so carefully this morning.

‘Doctor Schulmann,’ my father says, standing up and looking a little anxious. ‘Is everything all right?’

The doctor, white-haired and wearing gold-rimmed spectacles, smiles and says, ‘Of course, Mr Hammond. I just came to present you the hospital’s compliments and to tell you that Miss Hammond is free to leave whenever she wishes.’

‘Are you sure, Doctor? Shouldn’t she stay in for the night to be observed? I’ve just heard about this bruise she’s sustained—’

‘Hello!’ I say loudly. ‘I am here! You can talk to me, you know.’

The doctor turns to me with that friendly smile and chuckles. ‘Ah, Miss Hammond, you are quite right. Now if you wish, you can of course stay the night—’

‘I don’t wish,’ I interrupt. ‘I want to go home.’

‘But, as I was saying, you are in very good health and there is no reason at all not to allow you home.’ The doctor continues to smile with his best bedside manner.

My father looks doubtful. ‘I’m not sure… I’d feel happier if you were being observed for a little while longer, sweetheart. This bruise they mentioned…’

‘Dad, I’m fine. Please! I want to go home. I want to sleep in my own bed.’ To my surprise, I’m telling the truth. I never thought I might consider that mountain eyrie to be my home, but now I’m longing to return. Perhaps it’s not entirely unrelated to the fact that Miles is there.

‘Well, honey, if it’s what you want…’

‘It is.’

The doctor gives a little bow. ‘I shall inform the staff you are ready to leave,’ he says, and goes out.

‘All right, then. Jane-Elizabeth is downstairs. I’ll tell her to organise a car.’ Dad stands up. Estella totters to her feet as well.

‘Aren’t you going to wait for me?’ I ask. I imagined I’d go home with my father.

He turns to Estella with a smile and chucks her cheek as if she were a little girl. ‘I can’t, honey. I promised my angel I’d take her shopping this morning. She’s been my rock over the last few days and she’s going to get a little reward.’ He turns to me and bends down to kiss my cheek again. ‘I’ll see you at home later. We’ll all have a nice family dinner together, okay? You, me, the girls and Estella.’ He beams, obviously unable to imagine anything nicer.

I don’t look at Estella but I can sense her triumphant expression even if I can’t see it. She’s delighted with the way things are shaping up and she knows there’s not a thing I can do about it.

‘Bye,’ my father says, slipping his arm around Estella’s slender waist. He looks at me a little dewy eyed. ‘I’m so happy to have you back, Freya. I can’t believe I nearly lost you.’

‘I’m still here,’ I say, mustering up a smile even though I feel miserable inside, then I watch as he and Estella go out together.

As soon as I’m alone again, I fall back on my pillows and gaze out towards the window with its view over white rooftops towards snowy mountains beyond. I yearn for Miles. It feels like so long since we were parted. For the whole time we were lost, I wanted only to be rescued but as soon as I heard the thwacking blades of the approaching helicopter I realised what it would mean: Miles and I were going to be separated. We were together for the last time for the flight back in, but we weren’t able to speak over the sound system, not when everyone else in the aircraft could listen in. As we landed, I looked over at him and our gazes locked. The look in his blue eyes made me shake inside with excitement and desire, but there was something in his face that filled me with apprehension. It was as though, somehow, he was saying goodbye, and the thought filled me with a panicked horror.

We had no time to speak to one another when we touched down, as I was immediately whisked into an ambulance and driven at top speed through the city streets to the hospital. I don’t know what happened to Miles. I haven’t seen him since.

Dad said he was at home. I’ll see him there. It will all be okay, I’m sure of it.

But though I try to convince myself, I can’t help the dark fear crawling up through my stomach and creeping over my skin.

A few minutes later, the door opens and Jane-Elizabeth is standing there. I’m so happy to see her that my eyes fill with tears and, as she comes towards me with her arms open, I realise that she is crying too.

‘Freya, you naughty girl!’ she says through her tears, enveloping me in a huge hug. ‘How could you put us through that? I thought we’d lost you! It was terrible. Oh, I’m so happy to see you!’

She holds me tight and kisses my hair, and I feel the first real comfort since Miles and I were separated. Jane-Elizabeth has been a part of my life for so long, and she’s the closest thing to a mother that I’ve got now. Just the sight of her is reassuring. She always dresses the same, in narrow black trousers that show off her legs and baggy black tunic tops that hide her slightly bigger middle, and beautiful scarves to provide a note of colour: bright Hermès silk in the summer, and soft printed cashmere in the winter. Her hair is naturally dark but threaded with grey and she has a terrific grey quiff at the front that looks like it’s been dyed in but is completely natural. She has soft brown eyes in a face that’s remarkably young-looking. Jane-Elizabeth says it’s down to the fact that she hasn’t had children, but that looking after us has given her the grey streak. She pulls back now to look carefully at me, scrutinising me for any signs of harm. ‘Are you really all right?’ she asks. Her tears have dried now, but her eyes are still damp and she sniffs a little.

I nod.

Her brow creases in a worried frown. ‘What happened to you out there, Freya? We thought you must be dead.’

‘It was… frightening,’ I reply. I have a flashback to the moment that the car left the road and began to plummet towards the earth. I remember the blind panic, the strange slow-motion of it, the desperate desire not to die and, as it comes back to me, I begin to shake. Jane-Elizabeth notices and clutches my fingers tightly, murmuring soft words of comfort. Tears spring back to my eyes and I’m seized by an urge to let it all out and cry, but I swallow it down. ‘I thought it was all over for me. I really did. But, thank God, Miles was there and he saved me.’

Now I recall the feeling of his arms around me, the warmth and comfort of his body as he carried me through the buffeting wind and driving snow. I remember his words of encouragement, the delight in his eyes when he found us the hut, the way he laughed and his down-to-earth practical approach to our ordeal. I see his face hard with fury, his eyes angry and accusing, and his expression of hurt bewilderment at the things I said to him. Then, my inside clench with painful pleasure as I remember his mouth, his tongue thrusting into mine, the feel of his hands on my body, the hardness of him pressing against me. Oh God, it’s almost too much. I remember that physical yearning I felt for him before he’d ever touched me: it’s a hundred times more powerful now I’ve tasted the delights of what he can give me. Jane-Elizabeth hugs me again. ‘It sounds like Miles was a bit of a hero.’

A delicious warmth fills me at the sound of his name. It feels as though I can't hear it enough. ‘He was. But I'm worried that Dad wants to blame him for the whole thing.’

‘Your father was very frightened, Freya. He genuinely thought you’d been killed. It was awful to witness.’ She pulls away to gaze into my eyes, her expression serious. ‘That man adores you, Freya, you’ve got to believe that. I’ve never seen him more close to the edge than I did over the last few days. He wants to punish someone for those awful feelings – but he’ll calm down. He’ll soon realise that Miles is the one who brought his daughter back safe and well.’

‘I hope so. I couldn’t bear it if Dad punished him for something that was my fault.’

Jane-Elizabeth raises her eyebrows. She looks surprised. I start to flush. I suppose she hasn’t often heard me admit that something might be my fault, particularly where members of staff are concerned.

‘I mean… I… well…’ I’m not quite sure what to say to recover myself, and I can feel my blush growing stronger. ‘I should have seen for myself what the weather conditions were like,’ I finish lamely.

‘Mmm.’ Jane-Elizabeth is still looking at me oddly. Then she gives my hand a squeeze and says, ‘Why don’t you get dressed, and we’ll go home. I’ve brought some fresh clothes for you – they’re in the bag in the corner – and the car is waiting downstairs. And I mean it, Freya, about your father. He was distraught over you.’

I get out of bed and go to pick up the bag of clothes. ‘Yeah. I noticed by the way he couldn’t wait to go off shopping with Estella rather than take me home.’

Jane-Elizabeth sighs and says, ‘I’m afraid that Estella is a cross we all just have to bear.’ I see the sadness in her face and remember that Estella has trampled all over her life too. She adds gently, ‘It doesn’t change what your father really feels for you. You must remember that.’

I say nothing, but take the bag into the bathroom to change.

Twenty minutes later, after leaving the hospital through a flurry of flashbulbs, television cameras and shouted questions from reporters, Jane-Elizabeth and I are being driven through the city streets in another of my father’s black Mercedes. I think of the one buried in snow at the bottom of the mountain and wonder idly if it will ever be recovered. The storm has well and truly passed, and a wintry sun is doing its best to illuminate the grey-white sky. It will be a drive of an hour or so back to the house but the roads are clear of snow. It’s hard to imagine it was such a short time ago that the storm was brewing up and my life was about to change for ever.

I lean my head back against the headrest. It’s so good to feel clean again. I had a long, steaming hot shower, scrubbing off the dirt of two days but also washing the traces of Miles from my body with something almost like regret. The whole experience in the hut is becoming increasingly more dream-like. Although it’s all so vivid, there’s a kind of unreality to it. Were we really shut away like that, just the two of us? Did we really do all those delicious things to one another?

Now that I’m stepping back into my old life, being chauffeured in a pristine car back towards my luxurious mountain home, I’m feeling increasingly disconnected from what happened. But my body hungers for Miles in a way that reassures me that it was all darkly, passionately real.

Miles, where are you? Are you thinking about me? Do you yearn for me like I’m yearning for you?

I picture him suddenly, talking to me in those headily exciting moments before he began to give me my first lesson. I hear his deep voice growling in my ear and even though it’s just a memory, my body throbs in response. He’s saying, ‘When we get out, normal relations will be re-established, and everything that’s happened here will be forgotten.’

My desire is forgotten in a jolt of panic.
Forgotten? Really?

That’s what I agreed to. It’s what he said.

A voice cries out in my head:
No! No way. He can’t forget everything just like that… can he?

I know for certain that I can’t. But the idea that Miles might fills me with dread.

‘Freya?’ It’s Jane-Elizabeth, sitting beside me, unaware of what’s churning inside me. ‘Yes?’ My voice sounds breathless and anxious but Jane-Elizabeth doesn’t seem to notice as she opens her handbag and pulls out something small, slim and black.

‘Here. This is for you. A new telephone. Your old one was lost, wasn’t it?’

I nod, and take it from her. ‘Thanks. I appreciate it.’ I gaze down at its smooth, gleaming surface. I can tell it’s ready to spring into life, and reconnect me with everything and everyone from before. I don’t turn it on. I know that hundreds of emails and notifications will have arrived for me since I went missing. I’m not sure I’m ready for all that just yet.