A Little Lost (5 page)

              “I shouldn’t have left ... I should have been here for you”

              “Don’t” I still don’t lift my head even though what he’s just said surprises me. “You did leave and now you have a beautiful, kind, intelligent woman who loves you and is outside waiting for you. Go to her Kyle, don’t worry about me. You have your own life now and I have mine. Go to it and don’t look back” I tell him but keep my eyes on my feet.

              “Pretty hard not to sometimes” I hear him say but when I look up he’s gone. I wait until I hear the front door close before I give in to the tears. He’s right, by this time next year I’ll have no family left. I’ll be all alone. Pushing my emotions back I head upstairs to spend what time I have left with my dad.

              “God you smell like a brewery” he says when I cuddle down next to him “Has that fool left yet?” he asks.

              “I told you to be nice to him, what did you say? He looked ill when he left” I scold pulling the blanket up higher.

              “I didn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know. You didn’t tell me he was back”

              “I didn’t think you’d be interested” I lie.

              “You didn’t think I would be interested that the man who broke my baby girl’s heart has moved back into her life?” I can tell from his voice that he’s offended.

              “He’s not back in my life daddy, he’s marrying a lovely woman and I have Chris” I shrug.

              “Does she love him?”

              “With all her heart” I sigh.

              “Do you love Chris with all your heart?” he asks taking me by surprise, we never talk about my relationship with Chris.

              “Yes, of course” I answer him honestly.

              “Baby that’s impossible, you can’t give him something you don’t have. That man who just walked out of this house, he’s the one who has the majority of it. Chris, he only has the tiny pieces that were left behind when it got broken”

              “That’s what mom told me before she died” I whisper to him remembering that she said the same thing to me when I tried telling her how happy I was.

              “You’re mother was right, as always” he says pulling me in closer.

              “I think I still love him” I admit out loud and to myself for the first time in two years around a yawn.

              “I think you always will honey” he sighs and turns the light off, leaving me in the dark and silence with just my thoughts.

              ***

              It’s been two nights since I finally admitted my feelings aloud.

              I’ve locked myself in the house away from the curious eyes of everyone in town, the worried eyes of friends and just plainly out of sight of Chris. I know I love him but I’m struggling with the fact that I’m possibly in love with two men at once.

              Part of me understands that I love Kyle and probably always will, he was my first love after all. We started dated when I was a junior and he was senior in High school and stayed together until he left for LA, so he could pursue a music career just over five years later the year I graduated college.

              I kept up with Kyle’s career over the years which wasn’t hard because he became successful fast and was lead singer for the band
Forgotten Laws
until they recently broke up.

              I don’t know what I hope to gain from hiding but whatever reason brought the idea on was forgotten the second I realized it wasn’t working. My father’s condition has gotten worse; he now has oxygen tanks in his room and is constantly hooked up to them because he can’t breathe properly on his own and a nurse visits nightly.

              When I open the front door, I come face to face with Cat.

              “Shit” she mutters and pulls me out of the house by my arm.

              “What are you doing?” I ask as she drags me down the path trying to pull up my top that has fallen off my shoulder.

              “You look like shit” she says over her shoulder to me.

              I don’t have to reply, I already know this. I’m wearing one of my dads old tops which is a hundred sizes to big for me with yoga pants and flip flops. MY blonde hair that is usually a cloud of bouncy curls is tied into a knot on top of my head. I know I must have red swollen eyes though because I have been crying a lot.

              She leads me down the path that takes us through a shortcut across the beach and slows her pace down for me. She wraps her arm around me and doesn’t say another word, just walks silently with me.

              “How did you know where I was?” I ask breaking the silence.

              “I bumped into Kyle earlier”

              “I should have known, he can’t keep a secret to save his life” I grumble.

              “Yeah well, take that up with him”

              “I’m not talking to him”

              “Yeah we’ll see” I hear her say although I think she didn’t man for me to but pulls me against her tighter. “You sure picked a good day to look like crap” she sighs and I look up to see Kyle with his parents and Amber, all dressed for a day on the beach.

              “My dads top looks better than that bikini top right” I ask dying inside but not able to tear my eyes away from Kyle in just swim shorts.

              “Nope, she looks like a goddess” Cat points out cheerily.

              “I need a new best friend” I snap at her taking my frustrations out on her.

              “Try to reign in the bitch Lou, they’re coming over”

              “Whatever” I grumble as she changes our path to meet them half way when Kyle’s mother calls my name.

              Kyle parents give me the obligatory kiss on each cheek, Amber gives me a one armed hug and Kyle stays stood back a few steps, thankfully Cat never lets go of my side.

              “It’s good to see you dear” Kyle’s dad Mason smiles kindly at me. I always liked him and we often shared secret jokes when no one was watching.

              “You too Mason. You still look as good as ever in a swim suit, I’m surprised Anne can keep her hands off you” I wink at him, my old charm resurfacing.

              “When will you be putting yours on?” he asks chucking at my comment.

              “Not today” I shake my head at him trying to contain my smile when I see Anne rolling her eyes at us.

              “A few years ago, all I had to do was flash a smile and a young woman like yourself would loose all her clothes” he says leaning over to whisper in my ear.

              I don’t know why but when I hear Cat snort I start choking, on fresh air but I choke. He laughs at my reaction and pats my back.

              “I believe you once said the same about someone else” Cat says under her breath pointing out the reason for my bizarre reaction.

              “Ahh, you’ve lost it dear, you always used to be able to keep up with me” Mason winks at me still laughing.

              “What did you say to her?” Anne asks him smiling while Kyle and Amber just watch the exchange looking uncomfortable.

              “Just joking with her, it’s nice to know someone else in this town has a sense of humor” he tells her.

              “Dad” Kyle warns sending him a look that I don’t recognize.

              “I’m glad we bumped into you actually, I was hoping I could have a quick word” Anne says taking a step towards me. I frown but smooth it away as fat as it appeared.

              “Sure” I smile at her and Cat lets me go, we walk away from the others and stop down by the shore line.

              “I know this must be hard for you dear but as you know my son is getting married soon”

              Her topic of conversation knocks me off balance, soon? How soon? I want to shout at her but I keep my thoughts to myself.

              “Anyway I wanted to make sure that you’re not going to do anything to interfere with that, he’s very happy and I want to make sure this wedding goes off without a hitch”

              I’m sure I have gone pale because I can feel the blood draining from my face. She’s worried that I’m going to try and come between them as well? What happened to the sweet, caring kind woman that I used to know? I always thought Anne and I were close, but her likeness for me only lasts as long as her son does apparently.

              “I’m not going to do anything, I assure you that I’m very happy for them” I force a smile with my words but in reality I want to throw up on her bare feet.

              “That’s all I ask” she says then turns to walk back to the group without me. I know I should follow her but I’m frozen on the spot staring after her, shaking my head I walk back with her.

              “Can we go now please?” I ask Cat quietly suddenly very uncomfortable.

              She looks at me her expression concerned and then frowns at Anne, I know she is dying to know what she said to me and would have no problems confronting Kyle’s mother if she has upset me but I shake my head at her hoping she will leave it.

              “We really should be going, we have some things we need to do in town” I say looking only at Mason, my apparent only ally.

              I watch as Anne, Kyle and Amber all sweep their eyes over my outfit obviously wondering where I would go in public dressed like this. I lift the top back up over my shoulder where it has slipped once again and stand there uncomfortably.

              “We’re going to town?” Cat asks me not picking up on the awkward situation.

              “Yes” I snap at her then calm my voice down “I have some things I need to pick up and I’m sure there was a reason for you to drag me away from what I was doing”

              “Right, yes we should be making a move then” she smiles back at everyone.

              “It was lovely to see you all again” I lie and seriously consider the benefits of locking myself away and never coming out again, fresh air isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

              Everyone says their goodbyes to us and we start out walk back up the beach towards town.

              “Oh Louise?” I turn when I hear Anne calling after me “It would be lovely if you and Chris could come over for dinner some time”.

              I smile back and nod my agreement “Never in a million years” I say through my smile.

              “What did she say to you? It looked like you wanted to slap her” Cat asks stopping when we reach the steps that will take us into town.

              “She jus wanted to make sure I’m not going to turn up at the wedding and declare my love for her son” I shrug holding back my anger.

              “Your not really going to go into town are you?” she asks me ignoring what I just told her and taking in my outfit.

              “Why the hell not? Maybe then everyone will stop worrying about me and just think that Kyle would never leave the lovely Amber for someone who walks around looking homeless” I grumble climbing the steps.

              “You know she was out of line for saying that to you right?” I hear behind me.

              “What can I do about it? Drop down on my knees in front of him and everyone else and beg that he comes back to me? Maybe I should … just for entertainment purposes” I smile to myself imagining the look on everyone’s faces, they all say these things but I don’t think any of them actually expect it to happen.

              “You’re loosing it, have you spoken to Chris today?” she asks looking truly worried. I roll my eyes at her; I would never have the courage to do something like that.

              “No I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday afternoon” I admit on a sigh.

              “That’s why you’re so bitchy and snappy. You need some loving” she winks at me and I snort. I am defiantly not in the mood for sex right now.

              “Yeah that’s just what I need; I think I’m just a bit hormonal”

              “Alcohol or coffee?” she asks morphing back into the best friend that I know and love.

              “Coffee” I really could do with a drink but I have to be there to help the nurse later.

1

BOOK TITLE

              Later that night while I’m sat in the kitchen
finishing my dinner silently crying I’m distracted by a knock at the door. I answer hoping it’s not Chris; I can’t deal with him right now.

              “Hi” I frown wiping my wet cheeks with the sleeve of my oversized sweater.

              “I came to see your father sweetie” Mason says pulling into a comforting hug.

              “Umm  ... he’s not … you can’t” I stutter still crying.

              “I know, Kyle told me” he says rubbing my back soothingly.

              “Let’s go see if he’s awake then” I turn away from him and wait for him to close the door before leading him up to my father’s bedroom. I’m not surprised that Kyle told him, I was surprised when I realized he didn’t tell Cat, only that I was staying here for a while.

              “Daddy?” I call before opening his door.

              “I told you not to come in here if your going be crying all the time” he shouts back at me.

              “He’s all yours” I whisper to Mason then return downstairs pouring myself a drink and one for Mason.

              I’m on my third by the time he returns from my father’s bedroom.

              “It’s going to be okay, you know that right?” he asks sitting next to me on the love seat and wiping some of my tears away.

              “It’s not, they said six months, he should still have two left” I cry as my sobs get louder.

              “Shh you’re going to be okay”

              “I’m not; he’s all I have left. I can’t loose him too”

              “Do you think he likes seeing you like this? You’re going to look back on your time with him. Do you think you’ll be happy that the last special moments he had were spent with you crying and miserable?”

              “I can’t pretend it’s not happening” I sniff and move out of his hold to refill my drink.

              Someone knocks the door and Mason excuses himself to answer it for me promising to send who ever it is away. I curl my feet under me and sigh heavily when I hear the hushed conversation at the door.

              “What are you doing here? We talked about this” Anne voice comes through the house.

              “You don’t understand” Mason replies keeping his voice down, but I can still hear him.

              “She not part of this family anymore, when are you going to accept that?”

              I pull myself up of the chair when I hear that remark and join them at the door; I’m surprised to see Kyle there too.

              “You” she turns on me “I though I made myself clear this afternoon”

              “Mum?” Kyle speaks for the first time “What are you talking about?”

              “I know what she’s doing” she points a finger at me.

              “She’s not doing anything” Mason interjects.

              “Don’t worry about it” I assure him then turn to Anne “I’m sorry Mrs Carlton, it won’t happen again. I will stay away from your family and I promise to stand by what I said earlier” Both men turn to stare at my use of her surname, removing all familiarity from my voice. I shut my expression down.

              Looking back I think this is when I started to shut my whole self down.

              “You will do no such thing” Mason turns on me but I don’t change my expression.

              “It’s for the best sir, you shouldn’t have come over and I shouldn’t have let you in. My apologies for overstepping the mark”

              “What’s going on?” Kyle demands.

              I turn to him and hold the door ready to close it on them and my past.

              “Nothing, congratulations on your engagement Kyle, I hope you both the happiness you deserve. Amber truly is a wonderful woman. Now I must say goodbye I have something I need to attend to”

              “Lou?” he asks frowning at me but I send him a polite, distant smile and close the door. I hear them arguing outside but don’t stand around to listen to them. Someone knocks the door so I turn off all the lights and climb the stairs for a lonely night.

              “What’s going on with you?” Chris asks me, I lift my head and look at him; he looks both worried and annoyed.

              “Argued with my father this morning” I shrug pushing my food around on my plate.

              “Well cheer up because we have a party tonight” I mentally roll my eyes at him. Like the most important thing is turning up to a party smiling right now.

              “I’ll be fine, don’t worry” I assure him as best I can, sending him another practiced smile.

              “You’re wearing a dress right?” he asks sweeping his eyes over my outfit. So for the last week I have been wearing clothes that normally I wouldn’t even wear as far as my garden but that doesn’t mean I’d show up to a party in my gym clothes or anything.

              “I have a red evening gown” I nod at him then return to playing with my food.

              ***

              “If one more person asks how I’m holding up and patting my hand sympathetically I’m going to shove my fork in their eye” I mutter to Tom who is sat next to me.

              “Try smiling then” he smirks at me.

              I tell him what I think of that with one finger.

              “Good evening Louise, I’m glad to see you’re looking like yourself once again” Anne says coldly.

              I lift my head to look at her and sweep my eyes over her outfit. “I’m happy to see that you still look like your
old
self Mrs Carlton” I reply just as coldly.

              “Politeness never was one of your strong points” she says turning her back on me.

              “Bitch was always one of yours though” I mutter loud enough for her to hear, her step falters but she doesn’t turn. Tom hears me though is him choking on his drink is any indication.

              “She still thinks you’re going to ruin her sons wedding?” he asks me looking back at Kyle’s mother the Ice Queen as I now refer to her.

              “Mason came over to see me. She made her thoughts of me clear” I shrug downing my drink even though I know I wouldn’t have had the courage to answer her back if I wasn’t drunk.

              “Speak of the devil and he shall appear” he notes nodding his head behind me.

              “Can I steal her from you for a dance?” I hear Mason ask Tom. I try shaking my head at him discretely but he just smiles.

              “Of course, although I think she may be a bit tipsy I’m afraid so watch her hands” he smirks at me.

              “I should be so lucky” Mason laughs back.

              “I’m not sure a dance is a good idea sir” I say in the polite voice my mother taught me.

              “Enough of this
sir
business. You’ve never called me that before, don’t start now” he scolds wrapping his hand in mine so I have to follow him to the dance floor.

              “How’s your father?” he asks when we start dancing.

              I shrug “He’s not speaking to me”

              He laughs at that “Not that I blame him but is that why I haven’t seen you around town lately?”

              “Nope, I promised to stay away and that’s why you haven’t seen me” I tell him while sweeping my eyes around the room. I lock eyes with Anne who is approaching us.

              “I wish you wouldn’t hide from me” he shakes his head at me.

              “I’m not hiding, I’m avoiding” I shrug.

              “You’re avoiding a lot of things”

              “One not very well apparently” I mutter when she taps me on the shoulder.

              “Mind if I cut in?” she all but snaps at me.

              “Of course not, he’s all yours” I smile at Mason stepping out of our dance.

              “Just remember which one’s yours” she says unkindly wrapping her arms around her husband.

              “Anne” he warns her she doesn’t take her eyes off me.

              “Of course I remember which one is mine, do you?” I walk straight passed the table that I left before the dance and head over to the bar where Travis is stood alone.

              “I’m sorry about what I said to you that night in the club” he apologizes not looking at me.

              “Not a problem, you aren’t alone in your thoughts apparently” I shrug and order a few different drinks and a shot, he laughs quietly and orders a shot for himself.

              “I heard his mother had words with you” he says smiling at me when I turn to face him.

              “I call her the Ice Queen now” I grin knowing that Anne doesn’t and never has approved of Travis being Kyle’s best friend. He laughs at my nickname for her “Oh and I told her she was old earlier, called her a bitch too”

              “She forbid you to speak to him?” he asks smirking.

              “Nope, the whole family” I shake my head at the ridiculousness of it all.

              “Wow, you did better than me. I should buy you a drink she’ll probably lay off me for a bit now”

              “I doubt it. I agreed to stay away from them all. Something you never did”

              “Hmmm, am I allowed to talk to you then?” he asks pretending to think about it for a minute.

              “You should walk away now or make a show of telling me off” I agree.

              “To the Ice Queen” he announces picking up his shot

              “To the Ice Queen” I repeat and we both slam them down laughing.

              “Getting up to no good without me?” Cat asks eyeing our empty shot glasses. “Tom sent me over to see if you were still in bitch mode” she raises an eyebrow at me.

              “I’m being good” I promise her and try to look offended.

              “I don’t believe you. Ambers also looking for you, she wants a word”

              “I know I’ve been avoiding her all night. I’m not allowed to talk to her” I sigh and look around for her.

              “Says who? Kyle?” she asks outraged.

              “No, the Ice Queen” Travis supplies making me laugh.

              “What’s so funny?” Kyle asks joining us at the bar with Amber.

              “Nothing” Travis says smoothing his expression.

              “Can I have a word Lou?” Amber asks me knowing that I can’t say no again in front of everyone.

              “Might as well have your say” I sigh and lead her over to the other side of the bar. 

              “Have I done something to upset you?” She asks when we stop in a quiet area.

              “No, of course not” I say immediately to reassure her.

              “Only you’ve been avoiding me. Kyle and his father have both fallen out with his mother and I get the feeling it has something to do with you”

              “It does sorry. Anne has asked me not to speak to any of you, she’s under the impression that I’m going to try and come between you and Kyle. Which I’m not by the way” I explain.

              “Why does she think that?” she asks frowning at me.

              “I have no idea to be honest but Mason came to see me the other night and she didn’t like it” I admit.

              “He seems to be worried about you as does Kyle, can you tell me why?” she asks looking around to make sure no one can hear us.

              “Kyle didn’t tell you?” I ask surprised that he told his father but not her.

              “Tell me what?” she asks looking sick.

              “Nothing like that” I quickly stop her train of thought “My fathers become ill, it happened earlier in the year. The doctors told me he only had roughly six months to live, that was four months ago. The night Mason came over I had only just found out that it may not be that long after all. I’m not sure if he told Kyle that but they were both close to my father. No one knows and it seems everyone in town thinks the reason I have been so unhappy and bitchy lately is because Kyle’s back and he brought you with him. The only reason I haven’t set them and Anne straight is because I don’t want anyone to know. Their sympathy would break me and I need to be strong for him. Cat and Tom don’t even know. Please don’t mention it to anyone” I smile sadly at her and she pulls me into a hug.

              “Oh hon I’m so sorry. If she knew she wouldn’t be like this to you” she whispers in my ear.