A Little Lost (8 page)

BOOK TITLE

              The next few days pass in a blur, I don’t take any calls, I ignore the door when someone rings the doorbell. My sleep pattern is completely messed up. I sleep through most of the days and wander from room to room in the nights. I can’t remember the last time I ate proper meal. I’m surviving on variations of whiskey and coffee, sometimes together. When I feel myself getting light headed I eat something simple, like chocolate. I spend a lot of time in my old bedroom, looking through childhood photos and old school books.

              Sometime I laugh, when I’m walking around at night I can imagine different conversations around the house. Sometimes I cry, when I think about all the things that we’ll never do as a family again. No more birthdays or Christmas’s. Thinking about the funeral is hard, I’m not sure I have the strength to go, let alone arrange it. Some days are good, some are bad, the bad have started out numbering the good but I’m okay with that.

              Today is a good day. I’ve opened the curtains for the first time in about a week. As disgusting as it is I showered this morning for the first time in about a week too. I haven’t gotten dressed though, I’m not walking around naked or anything, I do have the curtains open after all, I just didn’t get any further than putting on a bath robe. I’ve run out of coffee too. I had to go into the cellar to get more whiskey. That was hard, I’ve never liked it down there but I’m not ready to go outside yet, I can’t even face opening a window. One step at a time, that’s what I keep telling myself every time I do something new.

              At the moment I’m doing what I spend hours doing everyday. I’ve taken down the big mirror off the wall above the fireplace and it now rests on the floor with me sat in front of it. Have you ever spent so much time staring at yourself in the mirror that you disappear? That’s what has happened to me, I think that’s it anyway because when I look in the mirror trying to see me, I can’t find anyone but the pale, lost girl. I shout at her sometime asking who she is. She never answers. That’s when I get frustrated like now. She’s just sitting there staring back at me, she looks kind of familiar but she has no purpose. It’s like looking at a ghost. I hate them, that’s why I always hit her. Normally I kick her but today I punch her. Five times.

              There’s blood splattered on the mirror now but she’s still just sat there, broken.

              I watch dazed for a few minutes as the blood drips from my hands. I hold them up to the light and wiggle my fingers, I can see it sparkling. Glass in it probably. I’m tempted to just see how long it takes to bleed out but I know that won’t solve anything so I reach for the phone. I should go to the hospital but that would mean going out. It takes a few attempts for me to hit the right buttons but I smile triumphantly and flip the bird to the girl in the mirror when it starts ringing in my ear.

              “Hello?”

              “Mason, I’m sorry to call and all but, I’ve had an accident”

              “Louise?” I can tell from his voice that he frowning and I crawl to the mirror frowning in it and pushing my lips up like he does.

              This makes me laugh. “You’re frowning”

              “What kind of accident?” he asks ignoring me.

              “Punched the lost girl, she wouldn’t go away” I mumble tilting my head at the girl “She still wont go away”

              “What girl, are you drunk?” he asks.

              “I don’t think I was ever sober” I tell him honestly.

              “What girl?” he asks in his frowny voice again.

              “Oh its okay, she’s not real. She’s a ghost, but the glass is broken now and there’s lots of blood”

              “Do you need to go to the hospital?” he asks but I’m not longer listening.

              “You know there was no blood at all when my mum and dad died. Isn’t that strange, when I think of death I think of blood” I ponder aloud.

              “I’ll be there in a minute”

              “He’ll be here in a minute, don’t make a noise and be nice” I warn the lost girl narrowing my eyes at her. “You made me do this” I shake my head at her, she never learns “I just want to be on my own and you just keep following me around” I don’t think she has a family, if she did she wouldn’t want to spend so much time with me. I suddenly regret hurting her now, she has no one. We can be two lost girls together. “I don’t have a family either so I know how you’re feeling right now. But it’s okay everyone tells me it will get better and you’ll be fine. I know it sounds like a load of bullshit but I’ll help you through it” my conversation is cut short when someone knocks the window, I swipe some hair out of my face and look up to see Mason staring at me open mouthed. I wave to him with my now bright red hand. He turns to shout to someone so I get up to open the door, staying inside the house on the doorstep.

              “She needs a hospital” I hear him calling out.

              “I won’t go” I call back and turn to wave to Amber who just gasps and takes a few steps back into her car. I start shutting the door, not wanting to go out but Mason stops it with his foot. “I’m not leaving here” I tell him shaking my head and pushing the door but it doesn’t budge against his weight.

              “Fine” he mutters and walks to Amber in her car he says something to her and she nods then drives off.

              “Will you let me in?” he asks making his way to me.

              “Who are you with?” I ask looking around.

              “Just me and Kyle” he says slowly and Kyle comes around the corner but stops when he sees me.

              “You’re not going to make me leave are you?” I ask narrowing my eyes on them.

              “No we won’t. I promise, just let me take a look at where you’re hurt” Mason says using his soothing voice.

              “Okay fine but be nice, she doesn’t have any family either and she needs me to help her get through it. I told her like you told me, she will be okay it just takes time”

              “Who is she talking about?” I hear Kyle asks his dad and roll my eyes when Mason shrugs.

              “The lost girl”

              “Put the kettle on” he tells Kyle.

              “No coffee, ran out three days ago. Only have whiskey or wine” I shrug at them both leading them into the kitchen.

              “How much have you dru…” Kyle starts but trails off when we reach the kitchen.

              “Guess that’s your answer” Mason points out looking disapprovingly at all the empty bottles sat on my kitchen table.

              “Where are you hurt?” he asks turning his attention back to me.

              “Just here” I say holding up my hands.

              “Doesn’t it hurt?” Kyle asks looking at my hands horrified.

              “Not really, I don’t feel anything any more” I shrug.

              “Come here” I follow Mason over to the sink and he holds both my hands under the running water, once the blood starts washing away my cuts become clear. Some are deep; some are just on the surface.

              “You’re going to need stitches and there glass in these cuts” he sighs inspecting my hand “You sure cut yourself up good”

              “I know I’m sorry for it though, she’s so lonely. I didn’t know she had no one else”

              “Who?” Kyle asks me once again.

              “In the front room, be nice though!” I point to the room with my head.

              “What are we going to do with you honey?” Mason asks me quietly wiping my face with a wet cloth. “I’m glad you called me though”

              “Jesus! What the fuck!” Kyle shouts from the front room.

              I run away from Mason “Don’t touch her!” I shout back fully prepared to fight him.

              “Did you do this?” he asks gesturing to the room with both his hands, I sweep my eyes over the room and there must be about seven broken mirrors scattered around the place.

              “She kept following me” I tell him.

              “Who? Show me” he says taking a step towards me. I walk over the on the wall that’s not broken and he stands next to me.

              “See?” I ask pointing to the lost girl “she’s so lonely, look how sad she is, poor baby” I stroke her cheek then turn back to Kyle “She never talks back to me though, just stares at me, lost girl”

              “You told me it would be fine to leave her on her own. You promised me she would be okay” he says turning to Mason.

              “It wasn’t like this last year, she just locked herself away for a few days and then she was fine, back to normal as if nothing happened” he says looking at me sadly.

              “Well it’s been a week and she’s not back to normal. I knew we shouldn’t have left her to get through this on her own” they carry on talking as if I’m not here.

              “What do you want me to do? Move in with her? Or do you plan on moving in here with your fiancée?” Mason shouts at him.

              “I don’t know” Kyle shouts back at him and kicks the door making me jump back “I have to do something though!”

              “It’s ok” I try to reassure them “Today’s a good day” I smile over to Mason so he can see that I’m getting better but he just winces.

              “You hear that? This is a fucking good day!” Kyle screams.

              “You’re mother’s here, stop shouting!” Mason says looking at the window.

              “Oh shit, hide!” I cry grabbing blankets and throwing them over the mirrors “The Ice Queen will make you cry” I whisper.

              “What are you doing?” Mason asks laughing slightly.

              “The Ice Queen will make all the lost girls cry” I tell him rolling my eyes because he’s making me repeat myself.

              Anne and Amber walk into the room and I turn and smile at them “Sir … madam … ice … miss … shit … hello Anne” I offer a weak smile and glare at Kyle and Mason who snort at my mistakes.

              “What’s going on here?” she asks looking around the room.

              “Long story” Mason tells her and ushers us all into the kitchen.

              Amber moves the bottles and puts them in the recycling bin while Mason puts me in a seat.

              “Show Anne your cuts dear” he says sitting on one side of me and Anne sits on the other pulling a first aid kit out of her handbag.

              “You’re going to let her stick a needle in me?” I ask him as if he’s crazy.

              “It’ll be fine Lou, I won’t hurt you I promise” she says smiling at me, this is a change from the last time I seen her.

              “I’ve been promised that by some of your family before, excuse me if I don’t believe you” I narrow my eyes at her. She moves her eyes away from mine and takes out some stuff then starts fussing with my hand.

              “When was the last time you ate?” Kyle asks me.

              “I had chocolate earlier” I answer remembering the caramel melting in my mouth, my stomach rumbles.

              “When was the last time you ate a meal?” he tries again.

              “Day before the children’s fundraiser party” I reply watching the muscle in his jaw move.

              “Have you thought about the funeral yet?” Anne asks me not looking up from where she’s removing glass from my hand.

              “No, I was going to do it today and my dad solicitor keeps leaving messages about his will”

              “Do you need any help with it?” she asks taking me surprise.

              “Really?” I ask not believing her.

              She stops what she’s doing and looks up at me “Of course, I’d love to help you. No one expects you to do it on your own”

              “I would like that” I nod at her and feel the tears forming in my eyes “I didn’t know how I was going to do it all, I don’t even know where to start” I whisper to her.

              “Whenever your ready just let me know” she smiles at me and returns her attention to my hands.

              “Why does she think she’s on her own all of a sudden? Where’s Chris?” Kyle asks the last question to me.

              “Umm … he said that …” How can I say that he said if I need anything I shouldn’t call him but I should call up my ex boyfriend. “He needed some space” I look away and my eyes meet Mason’s he shakes his head at me.

              “You’ve just lost your dad and he leaves you?” he shouts making Anne jump and poke me with the needle.

              “Sorry” she mutters and glares at Kyle.

              My eyes start getting heavy so I rest my head on Masons shoulder.

              Being jostled about wakes me. When I look up I see the familiar swirling vortex of silver and blue that make up Kyle’s eyes.