A Love to Live For (5 page)

I nodded, then watched him disappear to the kitchen. Once he had gone, I sat on the couch and looked around, thinking that the living room had not changed much from when I had last seen it.

Even the lone picture on the mantel was still the same – the picture of Joseph with his sister, his Mom and his Dad back when his parents were still married – which made me think he probably wished they had stayed together.

After a while, I turned on the TV and surfed through the channels, looking for something to watch to pass the time. I couldn’t really find a show I like, though, and so I just kept changing the channel every minute or so, up until Joseph finally told me that it was time for dinner.

The moment I saw what he had cooked, I could not help but gasp in awe. He had prepared buffalo wings, garlic buffalo wings judging by the smell, as well as Caesar salad, mashed potatoes and some spicy shrimps. All in all, it smelled and looked delicious that I suddenly felt my stomach rumble, though I certainly hoped Joseph had not heard it.

“This is quite a feast,” I said as I sat down. “It looks even better than what they serve in the restaurants.”

“Told you I could cook,” he said as he sat beside me. “But I suppose you should have a taste before you agree.”

“Then I suppose I will,” I said.

We ate mostly in silence, half because it seemed we were both hungry and half because we were both probably still shy around each other, though once in a while, we’d talk, reminiscing about school and talking about our common friends.

“So?” he asked me when dinner was over.

“It was one of the best meals I ever had,” I said truthfully.

He smiled, seemingly convinced. “Well, I’m glad you liked it.”

“Where did you learn to cook?” I asked curiously.

“From my sister,” he said. “And also while I was working at that restaurant in Middleton.”

“Oh right,” I said, remembering that he had worked in the next town for two years while I was in college. “Why did you quit again?”

“Many reasons,” he said. “Too far away, too stressful. The pay was decent but not really that good.”

“Well, at least you learned how to cook.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

He stood up to get a bottle of wine and two wine glasses, then opened it and poured some for both of us.

“Are you sure it’s alright for you to be drinking?” I asked him without thinking. As soon as I had spoken the question, I wished I hadn’t, realizing that I had just reminded him of his condition, which he probably didn’t want to talk about.

“It’s alright,” he said, grinning, much to my relief. “Actually, ever since I placed myself in God’s hands and resigned myself to my fate, I’ve been feeling better. I don’t get the bad headaches anymore.”

I stopped, not sure I was comfortable with the word ‘resigned’. “So you’ve given up?”

“I’ve accepted my fate,” he corrected. “What will be will be.”

“Wait, so you’re not getting treatment or anything?”

He shook his head. “I had surgery to have the tumor removed but the cancer is still there. I thought about trying different treatments at first, but then I decided not to. We can’t really afford them, after all and besides, they will just make things harder.”

I wanted to tell him that the treatments could make him better but I felt that he didn’t want to talk about the topic any longer and so I decided to drop it. I was still shocked, though. There was, after all, a difference between drowning because you didn’t know how to swim and drowning because you knew how to swim but decided to just let the tide sweep you away because it was so much stronger.

Eventually, I forget about my shock as we discussed other topics, like his previous girlfriends – I learned he had two, though he did not really want to talk about them and only did because I was insistent, our families, my work, his job at the restaurant and the computer lessons he was taking online and even our favorite books and movies. We reminisced some more, as well, especially our memories of first grade when we had played the most fun games and done the silliest things.

By the time I looked at my watch, it was already ten thirty and thinking that my Dad would get upset if I wasn’t home before midnight and knowing that I wasn’t used to staying up late, either – I liked my sleep way too much, after all – and that Joseph probably needed his sleep, too, even if he wouldn’t admit it, I took my leave.

Joseph walked me to my car and even gave me a kiss on the cheek before letting me slip into the driver’s seat. Then, he waved at me as I drove off.

Once at home, I drank a glass of water then went up to my bedroom, doing so quietly so as not to wake anyone up, though the faint light from beneath the door to my father’s bedroom told me he was still awake.

Even so, I went straight to my bedroom and after throwing my purse on top of my dresser; I fell on top of my bed with a soft plop and sighed as I stared at the ceiling.

As I replayed what had just happened that evening, which I had truly enjoyed with Joseph, I found myself smiling, feeling a bit giddy, both from the memory of Joseph’s company and the wine, though again, my frown as well as my shock, returned when I remembered what he had said about not getting treatment.

Surely, refusing to live when you still had a chance to, a means to do so, was just wrong. It seemed almost like taking your own life, in fact.

I shook my head a few times.

No, I wasn’t going to let Joseph throw his life away. I wanted him to live, for his sake and for mine. After all, I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to endure losing him after falling in love with him…wait, did I just say that? I meant, IF I fall in love with him. I wasn’t even sure if I was strong enough to endure losing him the way things were now.

No, I thought.

Joseph had to live. He owed himself and the people around him as much.

And I was going to convince him of it.

How exactly do you convince someone to change his mind?

When I woke up the next morning, I realized I had no clue. People had always called me a persistent person, yes, but a persuasive person – I couldn’t remember ever being described as one before.

In fact, I couldn’t remember when was the last time I had succeeded in changing someone’s mind. Still, I wasn’t about to give up – I was persistent, after all – and so after breakfast, I sat at my desk and turned to my trusty wellspring of information – Google.

After going through several articles, I managed to come up with a process on how to convince Joseph, which had four steps.

1.
    
Do my research and gather all the information I can about the idea I’m proposing (i.e. brain tumor treatment)

2.
    
Talk to Joseph, ask him why he doesn’t want to undergo treatment and acknowledge his concerns

3.
    
Present my suggestion and tell him its benefits, make him understand how undergoing treatment can help him

Satisfied, I set to work, beginning with the first step, again turning to Google to fill me in on all the important data about brain tumors and brain tumor treatments. As I scoured through all the information, I found myself wishing for the first time in my life that I were a doctor – or maybe it was the second time since I had a toy medical kit when I was a little girl. Understanding medical terms was difficult, after all, for someone who had limited medical knowledge and in some cases, I had to go through a paragraph a few times over just to understand it.

When I had gathered all my information, or at least enough to form a convincing argument, I left the house, heading for the Bundles of Blossoms flower shop on my bike. Joseph wasn’t there, though. Rather, his sister was the one working.

“Oh, hello, Rebecca,” Bridget greeted me with a smile. “Looking for Joseph?”

I blushed but nodded. “I wanted to talk to him.”

“He’s at home.”

I was suddenly filled with alarm. “Is he feeling well?”

Bridget smiled at my concern. “Oh, he’s alright. It’s just that he takes his computer lessons on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Didn’t he tell you?”

I shook my head, suddenly feeling like an idiot.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Bridget placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, not missing my reaction. “The two of you have only started going out, after all. Even if you have known each other for a long time, it will still take some time to get to know each other really well.”

I nodded. “I guess I’m still trying to find my way around since I’ve never been in this situation before.”

“Oh, it’s okay.” Bridget squeezed my shoulder.

I forced a smile.

“By the way, since it’s just the two of us here, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I said.

“Why did you agree to go out with Joseph? And I don’t mean to scare you or anything. I just…I’m just curious, I guess.”

“Are you worried that I agreed just out of pity because I know about his condition?” I answered her question with a question of my own.

Her expression told me I was right. “I want him to be happy,” she said softly. “To have no regrets. But at the same time, I don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated to…”

“I don’t feel obligated,” I interrupted her. “To answer your question, I agreed because I couldn’t really find a reason to say no. I mean, I don’t really have anything against Joseph.”

“But you don’t like him?”

“Not in a romantic way…yet,” I answered. “But I do think he’s a nice guy and I like spending time with him.”

Bridget fell silent.

“Did I give the wrong answer?” I asked, worried.

She grinned. “Silly, there’s no wrong and right answers here. I just wanted to know how you feel and I appreciate your honesty.”

I smiled. “Well, can I ask you a question in turn?”

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

“Is Joseph really not undergoing any treatment for his condition?”

Bridget’s expression turned serious. Then, she shook her head. “I tried to convince him, of course, but he decided not to and I’ve decided to respect his decision.”

“So you’re just going to watch him die?”

I saw a hint of anger in Bridget’s eyes, which were almost brimming with tears. “Do you think I wouldn’t save him if I could? That I wouldn’t shoulder all of his suffering if I could?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything, Bridget.”

“I tried, okay, but Joseph doesn’t want to, and I don’t want to make him suffer any more than he already is,” Bridget continued in a calmer manner. “Besides, ever since he made his decision, he seems to be better. It’s almost as if he’s not sick, in fact.”

I placed my hand on her arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just…I just feel that it’s wrong for him to give up.”

“Sometimes, there’s no other choice but to give up,” Bridget said. “Especially in a fight that you didn’t choose to begin with.”