A Matter of Trust (9 page)

“
That’s right, I don’t
know what you’ve been through, because you haven’t shared it with
me. Why don’t you tell me, Trish? Help me understand why you’re
willing to throw this away without even giving it – giving me – a
chance. I don’t know about your past, but I know you’re hurting,
and I know you’re scared. I want to be there for you. You just have
to let me.”

“
I don’t need you or
anyone else to be there for me. I don’t need anyone’s help. I can
take care of things all by myself. That’s the way I like
it.”

“
Well, too damn bad.
You’re not going to just use me and walk away. I’m not walking, so
you can just forget about it.”

“
Out! Get out of my house.
I have to get ready for work.”

“
Fine, I’ll leave. But I’m
coming back tonight, and we’re going to talk this through. That’s
what adults do, Trish. They don’t run away when they’re scared,
they face their fears with the people who are important in their
lives, and they work through them. I plan on being important in
your life, Trish. You’re already important in mine.” He bent down
and kissed her hard and fast one more time, and turned around and
left without a backwards glance.

Trish touched her lips and continued
to stare at the door where Jake had just exited. She already felt
colder without him. Crap. She would not depend on him. She would
only depend on herself. Less chance for disaster that way. She
didn’t want to talk to him about anything. She was facing her fears
and conquering them. She didn’t need his help or anyone else’s to
get her life in order and keep it that way.

Trish knew she’d hurt him,
knew she would hurt him more before she was through, or more aptly,
until she convinced him that
they
were through. She didn’t want to hurt him, but
she couldn’t chance trusting him with her future or that of her
children. So what if he seemed reliable and solid. She knew well
that you couldn’t trust impressions of people. She’d believed in
Pete, too, and look where that had landed her. She’d relied on her
husband to watch out for her and the kids, to work with her as a
full partner, only to find out that he’d lied to her for years and
ruined their life together. She would not take a chance on another
man again. The only person she could and would trust was
herself.

Trish got dressed, put her hair in a
braided bun on top of her head and went to work. She arrived at
five minutes to nine. She walked inside and saw Diana at the front
desk, getting organized for her day, which is what she should have
been doing hours ago.

“
I just called you, Trish.
Is everything alright? This is the first time I’ve ever beat you to
work. Are you feeling ok?”

“
Yeah, sure. I just
overslept is all. Everything okay here?”

“
Yes, everything’s good.
You have an appointment at ten thirty at the Ysleta ISD offices to
discuss new teacher professional development. Other than that,
you’re open until school lets out at three thirty when you’ve got
three kids coming in for testing. We have twelve scheduled for
tutoring with four teachers coming in to assist.”

“
Thank God you’re more
organized than I am. I couldn’t function, much less make a profit
without you, Di. Thanks.”

“
Please, you’re the most
organized, hard working person I know. I’ve prepared half a dozen
folders for you to take with you to your meeting highlighting our
services. I’ll have them ready for you, so you can grab them on
your way out. Why don’t you go review your presentation? You have a
good hour before you have to leave.”

“
I’ll do that. Thanks
again, Di. Everything okay with you? You look a little
tired.”

Diana looked away from her, but Trish
was so preoccupied, she didn’t notice. “Everything is fine,
thanks.”

By the end of the day, Trish should’ve
been feeling ecstatic. She’d signed a contract with the Ysleta
school district to present literacy training for all their new
teachers later in the month, and she’d signed three more students
up for reading interventions and tutoring. It had been an eventful
and profitable day. So, why did she feel so rotten?

Calling herself all kinds of coward,
she called Eva and asked her if she wanted to meet her for dinner.
After asking Eva to call Callie and see if she wanted to join them,
they agreed to meet at seven at a Mexican restaurant close by. Dare
she hope that Jake would eventually get bored and leave when she
didn’t show up? Probably not, but she’d hope anyway. What the hell,
anything was possible.

Trish went directly from the Lit
Center to the restaurant, staying late at work trying to catch up
on some things. Eva and Callie were waiting for her in the lobby,
and when they were seated, everyone got quiet, Callie and Eva
sneaking peeks at Trish over their menus. The waitress took their
order, and they munched on chips and salsa while they waited for
their food.

“
We had a good day today,
ladies. I signed our first professional development contract and
continue to sign up new testing and tutoring sessions. We’re
growing.”

“
Super, Trish,” Callie
answered. “Most businesses don’t see a profit for the first couple
of years, and you’re already there.”

Trish offered a tentative smile.
“We’re already there, partners. Not much of a profit yet, but
headed in that direction.”

Eva chimed in asking, “So, if we had
such a great day, why do you seem so down?”

“
I’m not down. I’m …
miserable.” Trish dabbed impatiently at the tears in her eyes. Both
her friends reached for her at the same time.

“
What’s the matter, Trish?
Tell us all about, so we can solve it and you can conquer and move
on.” Callie looked at her friend and tried to encourage
her.

“
Oh, Callie, I wish it was
that easy. Last night, Jake and I … we …”

“
Oh shit, you did the
deed? Wow, this is huge. So, was it awful? Why are you so unhappy?”
Callie looked obviously puzzled as to why getting together with
Jake was a negative.

“
It was fantastic. The
best sex I’ve ever had. My God, he was … great. I mean, he was
spectacular. I’ve never felt that way before, not even with Pete.”
Trish used the menu to fan herself.

“
So, what’s the problem?”
Both women waited for her to answer Callie’s question.

“
Seeing things in the
light of day is the problem. I can’t believe we actually, you know.
I mean I’ve got the kids to think about and the Lit Center. I don’t
have time for anything other than a one night stand, and he wants
more.”

Callie grinned. “Well, isn’t this a
switch? First of all, I’m not sure what having kids and a career
has to do with having a relationship with someone. I mean, Jake
loves your kids, and he certainly knows what it’s like to run your
own business. I can’t imagine he wouldn’t understand on either
count.”

“
That’s not the problem. I
just don’t want to be involved with anyone. Ever.” Trish wondered
if she looked as miserable as she felt.

“
So, this isn’t about Jake
as much as it’s about you, is that right?” Eva watched her
patiently as she reached for another chip.

“
I guess so. I mean I
really like him. He’s wonderful. I respect him, and he’s great with
the kids.”

“
So, what’s the problem?”
Eva dipped her chip into the salsa. “You make him sound pretty
good, so I’m confused. What is it about him you don’t
like?”

“
I can’t think of a thing
I don’t like.” Trish’s blue eyes looked at her friends and blinked
to keep the tears at bay.

Callie looked at her with a confused
expression on her face. “What am I missing?”

Eva said, “I’m thinking this has less
to do with Jake and more to do with Pete, am I right?”

“
I guess. Maybe. I’m so
confused.” Trish sat back and huffed out a breath.

Callie patted her friend’s hand again.
“Okay, Trish, let’s break this down. You like and respect my
brother. He’s great with the kids, and he’s great in bed. But,
because of Pete, you don’t want to be with Jake? Do you feel
unfaithful, sweetie, because if so, Pete’s dead, and you can’t die
with him.”

“
No, no it’s nothing like
that. I guess I’d better fill in some blanks. Pete had problems. I
mean, he had big problems. Right before Pete died, I’d filed for
divorce and had every intention of leaving him and moving back to
El Paso.”

“
Can I ask what kind of
problems Pete had?” Callie continued to watch Trish
closely.

Trish took a deep breath. “Mostly
gambling problems. Remember I mentioned Pete had made some bad
investments that caused us – me – to file for bankruptcy? They
weren’t investments, they were gambling debts. Pete had a major
gambling problem, and I didn’t find out about it until we were in
financial ruin. In fact, the way I found out about it was when the
sheriff showed up at my front door and told me that we were being
evicted and had to be out of the house within a week.”

“
Holy shit, Trish. That
must’ve been terrible. I’m so sorry.” Callie squeezed her hand and
encouraged her to go on.

“
It was terrible. I
thought there just had to be some kind of mistake. Pete paid the
bills, and I had no idea he took the money we made and gambled with
it. We lost the house, one of the cars – the other car I’d had
before we were married, and it was under my name, so that made it
more difficult to borrow against it. I had to sell all the
furniture and anything else that still belonged to us to cover a
portion of the debts he’d racked up, but that barely touched it. I
had to declare bankruptcy . When everything hit the fan, and I
figured out what had happened, I told Pete I was taking the kids
and moving back to El Paso and filing for divorce.”

Eva touched her arm. “I’m so sorry,
Trish, you must have been so scared.”

“
Yes, but I was also angry
at Pete and at myself for trusting him so blindly and not seeing
through him until I’d lost everything. My poor babies. Trevor still
doesn’t understand why we had to move, and I don’t have a clue how
to explain it to him. Nobody knows the truth except you two now. I
was too ashamed to tell anyone, even my parents.”

Eva continued to look at her friend.
“So, because of what your husband did, you are afraid to get
involved with anyone else, is that right?”

“
I don’t know if afraid is
the right word … okay, I’m scared to death. I’ve just learned to
trust nobody but myself. I trusted Pete, and look where that landed
me. If I hadn’t had my parents to fall back on, my babies and I
would’ve been living on the streets. As it is, I can’t buy anything
on credit, and I’m living with my parents at the ripe old age of
twenty eight. Trevor misses his dad, and I don’t know what to tell
him. I’m so angry at Pete for putting us in this
position.”

Trish looked at her friends again and
continued. “I know you’re not supposed to think ill of the dead,
but I can’t help myself. When he … died, I called the insurance
company, since we had life insurance, only to find out that he’d
borrowed against it along with everything else we owned, and I had
nothing to fall back on. If my parents hadn’t lent me the money to
come home, I would’ve been stuck in Dallas for who knows how long.
I don’t ever want to be in that position again.” And that’s all of
the story she planned to share at this point.

Callie looked bewildered, if
supportive. “I don’t blame you for being angry. I would be, too.
But, Trish, I still don’t see what that has to do with my brother.
He would never do those things. He’s one of the most dependable
people I know.”

Trish agreed. “I know Jake’s not like
Pete, but my God, I don’t ever want to be in the position of
depending on anyone ever again. I thought all my bases were covered
while I was married, only to have the rug pulled out from under me
to find myself destitute. It’s not that I think Jake would do that,
it’s just … “

Eva rejoined the conversation. “It’s
just that you don’t ever want to be put in the position of trusting
someone to take care of things for you. You may be mad at Pete,
Trish, but I think you’re also mad at yourself. You blame yourself
for allowing it to happen, don’t you?”

“
I guess I do. I’ll never
make that mistake and put my kids’ well being at risk
again.”

Eva continued, “It’s yourself that you
don’t trust, Trish, your judgment. It doesn’t have as much to do
with trusting Jake as it does with trusting yourself. I understand,
because I felt that way, too. When I married my first husband, I
had no idea that he was a monster . When I found out, I couldn’t
get out for a long time. I didn’t trust myself to choose someone
who wouldn’t hurt me, who wasn’t like the man I’d thought I could
trust and who would treasure me always.”

Trish listened carefully. “So, how did
you get past that, Eva?”

Eva continued. “It took a lot of time
and patience with myself and patience on Josh’s part for me to get
past those feelings, but eventually I did. He made it worth taking
a chance on.”

“
But it’s not just me I
have to think about. I’ve got to think of the kids.”