A Missing Heart (30 page)

Cammy walks out of the house, leaving me here with three sets of eyes boring into me. “This isn’t all about you this time, AJ,” Dad says. “If I were you, I’d take this time to figure out your shit with Tori. Then I’d figure out your shit with Cammy, because I think we all saw the way you looked at her the other day when you found her in our family room. Maybe, if all things align, everything just might work out exactly the way you probably always wanted it to.”

It all sounds so easy, yet it feels like this is the end of the world.

Without another word left to say, I take Gavin from Hunter and leave the house, following after Cammy and Ever. “Please take us to the car rental shop,” Cammy says. “If you don’t want to, I’m sure Hunter or your Dad can take us.”

I close my eyes and rub my hand up the side of my cheek. “I’ll take you,” I grumble.

Halfway there, Cammy finally breaks the silence. “I came here to find you because I wanted to. Because I want you to be a part of your daughter’s life. I didn’t come here to destroy your life, your marriage, or your relationship with your family. Yet, that seems to be all I’ve done.”

“First, please don’t blame yourself for my marriage. I told you that had nothing to do with you. Second, you’re not doing much better right now,” I tell her. “Your fiancé is back in D.C., remember?”

“I don’t care,” she says. “He was cheating on me, AJ. He just thought I was dumb enough that he could pull the wool over my eyes.”

“You knew?” I ask her.

“Did you know? Because it sort of sounds like you do?” she replies.

“He said it in rage the other day but I didn’t want to use that as a secret weapon to make you fall for me. I didn’t want to manipulate you into being interested in me, and I also didn’t think it was my business.”

“AJ, you never cease to amaze me,” she says. I don’t know what she means by that, but it doesn’t feel good.

She may not care about Casper leaving her in the dust, but I can’t say I don’t care about all of the damage I caused this week. I care about forcing my wife into a hospital. I care that I should have ended things with Tori a year ago when I knew I was no good for her. “For your information, I care about everything that has happened this week, and I definitely know I don’t want to lose you two after just getting you back in my life.”

“AJ, listen, please. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but figure out your life here and once you do, there will be opportunities to explore more options for the three of us.”

“Like what?” I know what I want the answer to be, but I’m in no position to be considering a future with anyone before I legally close the last chapter in my life.

“I still love you, AJ. Remember our plans about running away together?”

“The thought of that has run through my head almost every day since we made those plans,” I say, gripping my fists tighter around the steering wheel.

“This story isn’t over. We just need to clear a path before we start off-roading.” I’m the off-roader and she’s the navigator. Always has been.

“Off-roading is meant for uncharted paths, Cammy.”

“Not this one.” Maybe that’s where I’ve always gone wrong. My shortcuts have led me into brick walls of disaster. Maybe the long winding road that takes twice as long to travel is the better option after all.

Ever still hasn’t said a word when we hop out of the truck at the car rental shop, but she wraps her arms around me, pressing her head into my chest. “I know you’re my dad,” she says. “I’ve wanted to know you since I was eight.” She shrugs at her own words. “I know it doesn’t mean much right now, but thanks for fighting for me. No one has ever fought for me before.”
I have fought for you, Ever. I have fought for you since the day you were born.

Ever grabs her lone bag out of the truck and gives Gavin a small kiss on the cheek. “See you, bro. Don’t worry, I’ll teach you everything you need to know on how to irritate our dad.” Not much makes me cry, but that may be the best thing I’ve ever heard. Tears are threatening to erupt from the corners of my eyes and if Cammy comes one step closer, I’m going to be a goner.

Sure enough, though, Cammy steps close to me. Her arms reach up, and her hands splay across my face. “Look at me,” she says.

That did it. Tears are pouring from my eyes, making it hard for me to look at her through the blur. “Do what’s best for you and Gavin. Regardless of who has rights over who, Ever will always be your daughter—our daughter. The legal crap is just that—leave it to me, okay?”

“What about us, Cam?”

She looks down at my hand and brings it between us. “I want you to make decisions based on you. Even if you don’t have much say in the decision, pretend like there wasn’t something else better waiting for you after the decision has been made. Grieve for what is and what won’t be. Heal. And when it’s all said and done, if you’re on your own, maybe someday we can pick up where we left off thirteen years ago.”

“By that tree swing behind the occupied farmhouse?” I ask, trying to laugh a bit.

“That’s awfully specific, don’t you think?” she asks, matching my laughter.

“Maybe to you,” I tell her.

Cammy presses up on her toes and places a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll keep you in the loop of everything going on. I promise.”

She slides her hand off my face and smiles before leaning into the truck. She smooths the back of her hand over Gavin’s cheek. “And you, little man, if you need anything at all, I’m here for you. Keep your daddy in line for a little while, okay?”

I suck at goodbyes. I suck at pauses. I suck at watching people I love walk away from me, because this is the second time I’ve had to watch this woman walk away. This is the second time I’ve had to watch my daughter being taken from me, and it hurts like it’s the first time all over again.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

“OKAY, BUDDY. I’LL
be back to get you in a few hours. Give me the biggest hug ever.” Dropping Gavin off at daycare every day for the past four months has been really difficult. I haven’t quite gotten used to it yet, but he has.

Hunter somehow managed to take Olive with him to work every day for five years, but Olive and Gavin are two completely different children. From the second Gavin took off walking, he hasn’t stopped since. He looks for trouble. Olive was an observer; that made things much easier for Hunter.

“He’s going to be just fine!” Tanya, the daycare provider reassures me. “We’re going to do lots of fun things today, right Gavin?” she says as she scoops him up and props him on her hip. She’s told me many times that she has a soft spot for Gavin. Maybe she tells all of the parents that, but it makes me feel like Gavin is in good hands here.

“Love you, buddy!” I say, walking out the door.

I arrive at work on time, which has been happening for four months now, surprisingly. I guess I was spending a lot of time and energy on helping Tori cope, in addition to taking care of Gavin. I’ve even been more productive at work, and we’ve been getting higher-end jobs, which is nothing to complain about. “Dude, we just nailed a huge project. You won’t even believe it until you see it,” Hunter says.

“No shit,” I tell him. “When do we start?”

“Next Monday,” he says, kneeling back down with his hammer. “Any word on the case?”

I scratch my head and struggle to inhale enough air to keep my lungs moving at an even pace. “Yeah, they’re doing a home visit today, I guess. Cammy’s freaking out about it.”

“Knowing Cammy, I’m sure it’ll go very smoothly,” Hunter assures me. “What happens after that?”

“Ever has to declare her statement to the judge.”

“Isn’t she kind of young for that?” he asks, hammering at the end of his question.

“Any kid over the age of twelve is required to be questioned. It’s for their safety.”

“And once that’s done?” Hunter continues.

“She’s Cammy’s.”

“God, they really dragged this process out. I’m just glad it’s moving along again.” You’re telling me. These months have been dragging slower than I ever could have imagined. Cammy had to get an apartment out in Philadelphia so she could provide a suitable home for Ever. They’ve let Ever stay with Cammy for the past three months, as long as she agrees to check-ins and counseling. I feel left out. “I’m sorry, bro. I know the clock is ticking, and this seems like it’s taking forever,” Hunter says, moving across the room on his knees.

“Yeah. I’m just on edge, waiting for good news today. We’ll see.”

“Anything from Tori?” Work days all start with a therapy session with Hunter. I know he cares, but he’s now so slowly turning into Mom, who likes to involve herself in everyone’s business.

“Not since I received the divorce papers last month.”

“Unbelievable,” he sighs.

“I’ve tried calling her but her number doesn’t work or something.”

It’s not even the part about having a second failed marriage that bothers me the most, it’s the part that I tried really hard to make something broken work for so long. It was all for nothing.

“I hate to say this, bro, I do, but you and Gavin might be better off. If she has issues this serious to figure out, it’s best to do so without a baby and husband in tow.” I know he’s right but none of this feels right. I can’t help but take the blame. Every bit of it. “Things are going work out for you, you know? It will.”

Like I do every day, I push it all to the back of my mind and focus on getting the job done. If there’s anything I’ve realized in the last year, it’s that I can’t control anything. It’s not even worth trying.

“Dude, your phone’s ringing,” Hunter shouts over my drill.

I see it lighting up on the bottom step of the stairwell, and I race over to grab it, finding Cammy’s name lit up on my screen.

“Hey? What’s going on?”

“She’s ours!” Cammy shouts into the phone with utter excitement.

“Wait, what? I don’t understand. I thought there had to be another trial for her to speak at or something?”

“She spoke at the last hearing, and I guess that was suitable enough. They’re making it official on Friday. This Friday, AJ!”

“I’m going to be there,” I tell her. “Don’t tell me no, Cam. I’ll head out there tomorrow.”

“I want you here,” she says, breathlessly. “We’re getting our second chance, AJ. This kind of thing almost never happens.”

“It was meant to be,” I barely get out.

“See you soon,” she whispers.

I end the call and carefully place the phone down on the step, facing Hunter with a look I only wish I could see on my face. “What happened?” he asks.

“She’s ours…Cammy’s, but—”

“She’s yours,” Hunter says, walking over and throwing his arms around my neck. “This is fucking awesome, AJ.” My arms lock around Hunter’s neck, and it feels so good to hold onto my brother as my heart pours out of me in the form of tears. Everything I have gone through over the past few years has finally led me here, in the direction I wanted. “You’re going to go there, right?”

“Yeah, I have to go,” I tell him. “I’ll be back before Monday for that job.”

“What about Gavin?” Hunter asks.

“He’s coming with me. My family needs to be together.”
My family. All of them.

Leaving after rush hour and driving through the night worked out pretty well. I feel bad dropping in so late at night, but I wasn’t about to wait another day to see Cammy and Ever. I follow the directions on my phone, pulling into a nice complex of apartments. I’m not sure what Cammy’s car looks like now, so I’m squinting through the darkness for the building numbers. I reach the end of the row, finding her building last and settled between thick bunches of trees. I hop out of the truck and sling Gavin over my shoulder. He couldn’t be less aware of where he is right now. He’s out cold. At the front door, I scroll my finger down the list of names, finding Cammy’s, but I take my phone out and text her instead. Those buzzers can be so loud inside, and I don’t want to wake up Ever.

Me:
Can you buzz me in?

Cammy:
What? What do you mean? It’s not tomorrow yet.

Me:
I know it’s not. Please let me in, anyway. I’m outside your door.