A Mother's Secret (4 page)

“We’ll see you tomorrow,” Carolyn’s mother said as she put on her cloak.

Sarah Ann hugged Carolyn and then her mother-in-law. “Have a
gut
night.”

Carolyn hugged her cloak to her body and then followed her parents out to the porch and into the crisp night air. She marveled as they immediately began to hold hands and walk side by side toward their small house, located behind Amos’s large farmhouse. Although her parents had been married for nearly fifty years, they still held hands and gazed at each other from across the room like teenage sweethearts. Carolyn longed to find a true love like her parents had always shared; however, she didn’t believe she was worthy of finding a love like that because of the transgressions she committed when she was a teenager.

“Carolyn.” Amos’s voice sounded from behind her. “I need to talk to you.”

She stayed on the porch, where her brother sidled up to her. “What do you want?” She hoped he wasn’t looking for another chance to put down Benjamin. She couldn’t take any more insults.

“I have someone I want you to meet. His name is Saul Beiler, and he doesn’t live far from here.”

Carolyn’s shoulders tensed. “Why do you want me to meet him?”

“He’s a widower and he has a
dochder
. He wants to meet you and see if you’ll make a good
fraa
. He needs a
fraa
as much as you need a father for Benjamin.” Amos gestured toward Benjamin walking toward the small house he lived in with Carolyn and her parents.

She took a deep breath to calm her soaring temper. “
Danki
, but I don’t need your help. I can handle dating by myself.”

“No, Carolyn, you can’t.” Amos shook his head. “You’re thirty-one, and you’re not getting any younger. You’ll be blessed to find any man who will accept Benjamin.”

“Amos,” she began, hoping to steady her voice despite her irritation, “I’m not going to settle for a marriage of convenience. I want to marry for love, Amos, just like
Mamm
and
Dat
did.”

Amos wagged a large finger at her. “You need to realize you can’t live with
Mamm
and
Dat
forever. It’s time for you to move on.”

“Why?” Carolyn glared at him. “I work part-time in the hotel so I can contribute to the family. Benjamin isn’t a burden on anyone. I’ve always cared for him, even though I had him when I was sixteen. I took responsibility for my actions.”

“But the shame still follows you wherever you and Benjamin go. The sooner you’re married, the sooner that shame is forgotten. Besides, Benjamin needs a full-time
dat
who can guide him and discipline him the way he needs to be disciplined. Today is a prime example of how Benjamin gets in trouble. If he had a father permanently in his life, he would learn how to behave.”

“I think Benjamin is doing just fine.” Carolyn gritted her teeth and tried in vain to keep the tears from stinging her eyes. “I’m sorry you think I’m still bringing shame to the family.”

“Carolyn, just listen to me.” He held up his hands as if to calm her. “I’m only trying to help you and Benjamin. I’m not doing this to hurt you. Saul is a
gut
Christian man. He is well respected in the district—he might even be a deacon one day. He’ll be a
gut
father and a
gut
husband. He makes a decent living and can support you and Benjamin. He’ll also make you and Benjamin respectable in the community.”

Carolyn reluctantly nodded, knowing she had to accept her brother’s guidance since he owned the land on which she and her son lived and that it was no use to argue with him. “Fine. I’ll consider it.
Danki
for thinking of me.
Gut nacht
,” she mumbled as she went down the porch steps and started across the field.

As she walked, she glanced up at the glorious sunset, taking in the orange, red, and yellow hues bursting across the sky. She looked toward the three-bedroom house where she lived with her parents and Benjamin. It was the same home where she’d given birth to her son. It was the same home where she had to tell her parents the news that she had given in to her boyfriend’s constant pressure and wound up pregnant at the tender age of sixteen.

Her shoes crunched the frozen ground as she remembered the warm June day when she brought her baby boy into the world. Her life changed forever when she held that beautiful baby in her arms. She could no longer attend youth group events or enjoy buddy days spending time with her best girlfriends. Her childhood evaporated, and she felt alienated, lost somewhere between true adulthood and young adulthood.

She was also heartbroken since her boyfriend had disappeared before she had a chance to tell him that he was going to be a father.

Yet the most painful part of being a teen mother wasn’t the social events she missed or facing motherhood without Ben’s father; it was the way the members of the community regarded her. People began to treat her differently from the moment the news spread of her pregnancy, even before the baby was born. Both male and female members of her church district would shake their heads and frown with sadness in their eyes whenever she walked past them. Women friends and family members would whisper their words of sympathy to Carolyn’s mother well within earshot of Carolyn, causing her eyes to overflow with tears.

The most heartbreaking of all was when her father found out she was going to have a child. He cried, and then he stopped speaking to her for nearly two months. She sobbed and begged him to forgive her, but he remained silent. He eventually forgave her, but their relationship remained strained for years. Carolyn prayed to God, begging him to repair the distance between her father and her, but the distance remained.

She hadn’t been baptized into the church before she had Benjamin, so she didn’t have to confess her sin before the church. However, she decided to join the church after Benjamin was born. She wanted Benjamin to be raised within the stability of the Amish community, and she committed herself to becoming a church member.

Carolyn climbed the steps leading to the front porch of the house as she contemplated her precious son. Although Benjamin inherited Carolyn’s blonde hair and brown eyes, at times she caught glimpses of her former boyfriend’s expressions in his face. It seemed as if the heartache of his abandonment were haunting her through Benjamin’s smiles, but that hurt soon transformed
into love, a deeper, more meaningful love than her former boyfriend could ever provide.

Although Benjamin was created in haste and out of wedlock, he was Carolyn’s angel. Raising him without the benefit of a stable marriage was difficult, even grueling at times, but she loved him with all her heart. And she was determined to shield him from all the hurt and shame she’d endured when he was born. Benjamin was innocent despite the mistake that brought him into the world. She constantly reminded him how much she loved him, so that he would never doubt her feelings for him. She never wanted him to carry the blame for or the shame of her mistake.

Carolyn moved across the small porch and sank into the swing. She pushed it back and forth and breathed in the brisk February air while thinking about her brief conversation with her brother. Amos was the only member of the community who never forgave her mistake. She was thankful that he provided a home for her and her son on his farm, but she’d prayed thousands of times that he would soften his heart toward them. She knew that employment away from Amos and his mischievous sons was a good option for Benjamin.

Carolyn smoothed her hands over her cloak as she contemplated Joshua Glick. She’d noticed him at the auction early in the day when he was repairing a buggy in one of the barns. He looked to be in his mid to late thirties and was tall and lean. His dark hair was a stark complement to his deep blue eyes. His clean-shaven face was tan from the hours he must have spent with his horses. She noticed that he was confident and kind with his horses, as if he could relate to them on a deeper level than the average Amish man. She immediately recognized his expertise
with the animals when he was working in the barn, too, and she admired his talent.

Yet she was then taken aback when he scolded her son with authority, as if Benjamin were one of his own children. She hoped Joshua would hold on to his temper and be a fair and good employer. She wanted her son’s first experience working away from home to be positive.

“
Mamm?
” Benjamin’s voice broke through her thoughts. “Are you coming inside?”

“
Ya
.” Carolyn stood and faced him in the doorway. “I’m coming in.” She walked over toward the door and smiled, silently thanking God for her precious son.

THREE

D
uring the Sunday service, Joshua sat with the other unmarried men while he sang along with the familiar German hymns in the
Ausbund
. It was the Esh family’s turn to host the three-hour service, which was held in the barn of one of the church district families every other Sunday.

He held back a yawn as he stared down at the hymnal. The long day at the auction had worn him out, but it was worth it to showcase and sell a few of his horses. He’d also gotten to bed much later than he expected after having the vet stitch up Buck, but he managed to travel to church on time in his horse and buggy. Glancing across the barn, he spotted his father sitting with the other older, married men, and his father greeted him with a nod.

The service began with a hymn as Joshua redirected his thoughts to the present. He joined in as the congregation sang the hymn slowly. A young man sitting behind Joshua served as the song leader as the service began. He began the first syllable of each line and then the rest of the congregation joined in to finish the verse.

While the ministers met in another room for thirty minutes
to choose who would preach that day, the congregation continued to sing. Joshua saw the ministers return during the last verse of the second hymn. They hung their hats on the pegs on the wall, indicating that the service was about to begin.

The minister began the first sermon, and his message droned on like background noise to the thoughts echoing in Joshua’s head. Although he tried to concentrate on the preacher’s holy words, he couldn’t stop looking across the barn to where the married women were seated.

Just a little over a year ago, Joshua would gaze toward the same area of the congregation and find Hannah, his former sister-in-law, sitting there. He thought about Gideon suffering a massive heart attack in the back pasture at the horse farm. Although the emergency medical technicians had tried to revive him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, it was too late.

Joshua always wondered if he could’ve saved him if he’d found him earlier in the day. Although Joshua knew it was a sin to doubt God’s plan, he sometimes remembered the details of that day and wondered what he could’ve done to save his brother. What if he had done CPR longer? What if Hannah had called the paramedics sooner? What if the ambulance had driven faster? Joshua knew nothing could bring his brother back, but that reality did little to take the pain away. He missed him so much sometimes that his heart ached with regret and guilt over his death.

While the minister continued to talk in German, Joshua lost himself in memories of his brother and their horse business.

The first sermon ended, and Joshua knelt in silent prayer along with the rest of the congregation. After the prayers, the deacon read from the Scriptures, and then the hour-long main
sermon began. Joshua willed himself to concentrate on the sermon and then the prayers.

Relief flooded Joshua when the fifteen-minute kneeling prayer was over. The congregation then stood for the benediction and to sing the closing hymn. While Joshua sang, his eyes moved to where the young women sat and settled on his niece, Lillian. Although it had been a year since Lillian’s mother, sister, and brother left the community, he still sometimes expected to see Lillian’s fraternal twin, Amanda, sitting beside her during the service.

Lillian sat up straight and pushed her glasses farther up her nose while singing the hymn. She was the picture of Hannah in younger days with her bright red hair and green eyes. Joshua still had a difficult time accepting that Hannah had left Lily living with Joshua’s parents while she moved Amanda and Andrew into the bed-and-breakfast with her new husband. Joshua had heard recently that Amanda had gotten her GED and was taking classes at the local community college and Andrew was attending fourth grade at the local public elementary school.

Lillian continued to smile and act as if everything was okay, but Joshua knew the truth. He could see the sadness in her green eyes, no matter how happy she said she was.

When the service was over, Joshua helped a few of the other men convert the benches into tables and then sat and talked with them while they awaited their lunch. He looked up as his mother moved past him and nodded a greeting.