A Mother's Secret (9 page)

Joshua spun and faced her. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” she muttered as humiliation heated the tips of her ears. A lock of hair fell from beneath her prayer covering.

“Let me help you.” He held out his hands.

“No,” she grumbled. “I’m fine.” She grabbed a post, pulled herself up from the smelly puddle, and stared down at her soiled clothes.

“Can I give you a rag?” He held out a stained towel.

“
Danki
.” Her words were hardly audible. She wiped the towel down her cloak and skirt, but the mud remained in place. She handed the towel back to him. “I think you need to go easier on Benjamin.” She hoped she sounded more confident than she felt, standing in front of this man while covered in muck.

“No, that wasn’t the agreement I had with Titus. Benjamin is going to work for me, not stand around while I do all the chores.” He gestured around the barn. “There’s plenty that needs to be done here, and I need the help.”

She was at a loss as to what to say. The fall had taken both her dignity and her words. “Fine.
Gut nacht
.”

He studied her as if she were crazy. “
Gut nacht
.”

Carolyn drove back home and found her mother washing the dinner dishes. She quickly changed her clothes and then returned to the kitchen.

“I kept some food warm for you.” Her mother retrieved a plate from the oven.

“
Danki
.” Carolyn took the plate and then sat at the table. After a silent prayer, she began to eat the meat loaf and mashed potatoes.

Benjamin and her father entered the kitchen from the outside.

Benjamin gave her a worried expression. “What did you say to Josh?”

“I told him that he was being too hard on you.” Carolyn turned to her father. “I said that it wasn’t his place to discipline Benjamin.”

“You shouldn’t meddle. You were wrong to go over to Joshua’s after I told you not to.”
Dat’s
tone was stern as he removed his coat and hat. “It’s not your place to interfere.”

“
Ya
, it is.” Carolyn placed her fork on the table beside the plate. “Benjamin shouldn’t come home looking as if he’d walked to Philadelphia and back in the middle of a hurricane.”

“I can handle it myself.” Benjamin’s expression was serious. “You have to let me grow up and be a man.”

“He’s right,”
Dat
said. “Let him finish out his end of the deal. It’s
gut
for him.”

Carolyn turned to her mother, hoping to find her support. Instead, her mother nodded in agreement with her father. Carolyn heaved a heavy sigh, knowing she’d been overruled yet again. She had to put her faith in the Lord. He certainly would watch over Benjamin.

Barbie and Lillian sat in the family room later that evening. Barbie read the Bible while Lillian read her latest Christian novel.

Barbie gazed over at her granddaughter and caught her pushing up her glasses while she studied the page in front of her. “Is that a
gut
book?”

“Oh,
ya
.” Lillian nodded without looking up. “I can’t put it down.”

Barbie smiled as she turned back to the book of Matthew. She heard footsteps in the kitchen announcing that Eli had come in from working out in his wood shop. “It must be time for bed.
Daadi
is in the kitchen.”

Lillian nodded and closed her book. “I’d love to keep reading, but I don’t want to yawn while trying to teach the scholars tomorrow.” She stood. “I better get ready for bed.”

Eli appeared in the doorway. “You two are up late.”

“My book is so
gut
.” Lillian hugged the novel to her chest. “
Gut nacht
. See you in the morning.”

“
Gut nacht
.” Eli crossed the family room and sat beside Barbie on the sofa. She immediately smelled sawdust and noticed the dust on his trousers and shirt.

“
Gut nacht
, Lily.” Barbie watched her granddaughter run up the stairs. “She’s such a
gut maedel
. I don’t understand how her
mamm
could leave her behind.”

“Hannah did what she thought was right. It’s not our place to judge her.” Eli pointed toward the Bible. “What are you reading?”

“The book of Matthew.” She looked down at the page. “I love this verse. ‘Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.’ ” She met Eli’s gaze. “That’s why I’m trying to find Joshua a
fraa
. That’s my
gut
deed. I think the Lord led Lena here so she can marry Joshua and give us more
grandkinner
.”

Eli shook his head and frowned. “Barbie, I know you think you’re doing something
gut
, but you need to let God lead Josh and Lena. It’s not your place to interfere. Our parents didn’t interfere when we were dating. Let Joshua make his own decision. He’s a grown man.”

“Now you sound like Josh.” She shook her head while wondering why her husband could never see things her way. “I’m only trying to help.”

Eli sighed. “I know you think you’re helping, but you’re only going to upset him. He’s always been the stubborn one. Gideon would let you take control at times, but Josh has never been like that. He’s set in his ways. Right now he’s only focused on the farm, and you need to respect that.” He touched her shoulder. “I know you mean well. You have a
gut
heart. That’s why I married you. But you have to let Joshua find his own way.”

“If I do that, then I’ll never have any more
grandkinner
.” She sniffed as tears soaked her eyes. “My heart breaks every time I think of Andrew and Amanda. They belong in this community
with us. They should be Amish like their
dat
was. Hannah stole them from us.”

“I know.” Eli patted her shoulder. “I know you miss them, but you have to let God guide Joshua. If he’s meant to be a
dat
, then he will become one in God’s time. Trust God, Barbie. If you try to make something happen that’s not supposed to happen, then you’ll just lose your son altogether. We’ve lost one son. Don’t drive the other one away.”

Barbie gasped and stood up, placing her hands on her hips. “How dare you accuse me of pushing Joshua away! I’m only doing what I think is
gut
for him.”

“Now, now, Barbie. Don’t put words in my mouth.” Eli held up his hands as if to calm her. “I didn’t mean it that way. I know you have all
gut
intentions. I’m only trying to warn you to back off a little before you upset Josh. You know how he gets when he’s upset. He might stop coming to visit us. We don’t want to lose him. That’s all I’m saying.”

Her irritation subsided as she studied Eli’s face. “Fine. I’ll back off a little, but I still want to see him get married.”

“I do too.” Eli stood and touched her hand. “Let’s head to bed. It’s getting late.”

Barbie followed Eli upstairs toward their bedroom. As they got ready for bed, she sent a prayer up to God, asking him to warm Joshua’s heart toward Lena. She asked God to help Joshua find more to life than work. She also prayed that Joshua would find the right woman for him soon. And she asked God to help Hannah realize that she needed to mend her relationship with Lillian.

SIX

B
y Thursday morning, Carolyn couldn’t stand her curiosity about Benjamin’s new job any longer. He seemed less exhausted when he came home at night, but when she’d asked him about his work, he didn’t have much to say. Her irritation with Joshua Glick had subsided some, and she wanted to see more of the farm for herself; her anger and subsequent fall into the muck hadn’t afforded her much opportunity to take it all in. So Carolyn decided to ride to work with Ben and then take his horse and buggy to do some errands while her parents were also out. Her primary goal, however, was to satisfy her curiosity.

As Benjamin guided the horse into the driveway leading to the horse farm, Carolyn gazed at the scenery she’d missed Monday when she was blinded by her outrage. She took in the large, beautiful white clapboard house with the sweeping wraparound porch and the row of newly painted red and white barns and stables near a white split-rail fence.

“This is so
schee
,” she said, despite her lingering frustration. She had to admit that the property was lovely.

“I knew you would like it.” Benjamin guided the horse
toward the row of stables. “Josh keeps the place immaculate, but his
haus
is a wreck.”

He chuckled, and Carolyn studied him. Although she enjoyed the sound of her son’s laughter, she was surprised at how quickly he’d changed his opinion about working at Joshua’s farm.

“So you don’t mind that Joshua has you working so hard?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I’m starting to think that maybe
Daadi
is right. Maybe this job will make a man out of me. I’m tired of being called a
bu
all the time. Maybe I’ll earn some respect by working hard.”

Instead of protesting, she nodded. Benjamin had always been small for his age. Although he was nearly sixteen, he seemed to be stuck in the body of a thirteen-year-old with thin arms and short legs. Yet Carolyn had always thought her son was handsome. She prayed he would soon grow taller and have the confidence to attend singings with the other young people in the community. She longed to see him make more friends and maybe someday fall in love and have a family. She wanted him to have all the things she dreamed of—a family and a happy home.

Her thoughts turned back to Joshua Glick’s farm and Benjamin’s temporary job.

“I know Joshua is working you hard, but has he been nice to you?” Carolyn asked as Benjamin brought the buggy to a stop.

Benjamin shrugged. “
Ya
, he’s been fine. He wants things done his way, but he’s not mean like
Onkel
Amos is sometimes.”

Carolyn frowned. She was glad her son was away from his uncle and cousins, but she also wished she could take away the
hurt he’d suffered when they treated him badly because of her own mistake.

Carolyn climbed out of the buggy and looked across the pasture to where Joshua worked with a horse. She watched as he moved the horse back and forth, guiding it with the bridle, and she found herself drawn to his stewardship toward the animal. He turned toward the stables, and when he spotted the buggy, he waved. He started toward them, and Carolyn couldn’t look away. She studied how he carried his muscular, lanky body with grace. He walked over to Benjamin and Carolyn and smiled as he reached them.

“
Gude mariye
,” Joshua said, lifting his hat to wipe the back of his hand across his brow. “I’m surprised to see you here, Carolyn. What brought you over for a visit today?”

Carolyn smoothed her hands over her apron, hoping it wasn’t covered in dust after sweeping her mother’s kitchen earlier. “I thought I would drop Ben off so I could run a few errands with this horse and buggy while I’m off work today. My parents needed our other horse and buggy.”

“Oh,
gut
.” Joshua gestured toward the row of barns. “You left quickly Monday after our brief conversation, and I wasn’t able to show you around. Would you like a tour?”

“
Ya
.” She was surprised at the offer. “That would be nice.”