A Mother's Secret (7 page)

“Oh.” Carolyn nodded. “You think you might stay in the area for a while?”

“It’s more than that.” Madeleine studied her apple. “I actually have always been fascinated with the culture. I’ve always moved around a lot, and I would like to find a real home. The summers I spent with my grandparents were always my favorite. I feel like I belong here.”

Carolyn met Ruth’s curious gaze and raised her eyebrows.

“Are you saying you want to be Amish?” Ruth asked.

“No,” Madeleine said slowly. “But I’ve always wanted to move here and learn more about the community where my grandparents lived.” Madeleine turned toward Carolyn. “Did you grow up Amish?”

“
Ya
.” Carolyn gestured toward the other women at the table. “We all did.”

“What was it like to grow up Amish?” Madeleine asked with curiosity shining in her eyes.

Carolyn remained quiet while Ruth shared stories of growing up on a farm not far from where she lived now. Linda chimed in and talked about her parents’ farm and how wonderful life was before her parents passed away.

Carolyn smiled and nodded but remained silent while they spoke. She had never shared the story of her teen pregnancy with her coworkers, and she didn’t want to open up today, especially since she didn’t know Madeleine very well. Although she was no longer ashamed, she knew how some people judged her.

“Well, it’s about that time.” Ruth stood and tossed her plastic cup into the trash can behind her. “Back to work.”

Linda turned toward Madeleine. “Ruth said I can take you with me this afternoon while I clean. Would you like to join me?”

“That would be wonderful.” Madeleine packed up her lunch bag. “I’d love to work with you.”

Carolyn placed her empty lunch bag in her tote and then placed it in her locker. She waved good-bye as Madeleine and Linda headed out of the break room.

“Are you okay, Carolyn?” Ruth sidled up to her. “You were awfully quiet during lunch.”

Carolyn shrugged. “I didn’t have much to add to the conversation. My childhood isn’t worth sharing. You and Linda had wonderful stories to share about your childhood.”

“What are you saying? I’m sure you do too.” Ruth crossed her arms over her big apron.

Carolyn paused and touched her temple while mentally debating if she should tell Ruth her biggest secret, the secret that could change their friendship forever.
Will Ruth still look at me the same way once she knows the truth about Benjamin?

Ruth frowned. “I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable. It’s not my place to pressure you into telling me something that’s not any of my business.” She moved past Carolyn. “I need to get back out there to clean the meeting rooms.”

“Wait.” Carolyn tugged at Ruth’s sleeve. “I’ll tell you.”

Ruth gave her a sad smile. “You don’t have to. I was wrong to pressure you.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time.” Carolyn paused and drew in a breath, while praying the news
she was about to share didn’t change her close friendship with Ruth. “I have a son.”

Ruth’s eyes rounded with surprise. “Did I hear you correctly? Did you say you have a son?”

Carolyn nodded. “Benjamin isn’t my younger
bruder
. He’s my son.”

Ruth gasped. “I had no idea.”

“I know.” Carolyn ran her fingers over the counter while she spoke. “I was young, and I thought I was in love. My boyfriend pressured me, saying he loved me and if I loved him too, well . . .” Her voice trailed off. “I was only sixteen when I had Benjamin.”

“Oh, Carolyn. I had no idea.” Ruth touched Carolyn’s shoulder. “It must’ve been so difficult for you and your family.”

“It was. I never got used to the stares and whispers.” Carolyn shook her head as she thought about her former boyfriend. “My boyfriend wasn’t there when Benjamin was born. He doesn’t know he has a son. He left the community.”

“Where did he go?”

“He had talked about going to a former Amish community in Missouri. He wanted me to go with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave my community.” Carolyn shrugged. “He didn’t even have the courage to tell me to my face that he was leaving. He left a note for me with one of the other boys who worked with us. All it said was, ‘I can’t stay here. I wanted you to go with me. I hope you understand that I need to go now.’ How was I supposed to understand why he left? But I’m just thankful that God gave me the courage to face the consequences. I’ve always tried to be the best
mamm
I could without a husband to support me.”

Ruth’s expression was filled with sympathy. “I can’t imagine how difficult it was to become a
mutter
at such a young age.”

“It was terrible. Some days I would just hide in my room and cry until
mei mamm
forced me to come out. I missed out on so much of the fun of being young. I couldn’t go to singings, and I never dated after that.”

“You’ve never dated?”

“Not since I was sixteen.” Carolyn smoothed her hands over her apron while she thought about her youth. “
Mei mamm
told me I could go to singings, but
mei dat
made me feel guilty about it. He constantly reminded me how hard
mei mamm
worked at home and how unfair it was for me to go out with
mei freinden
while
mei mamm
looked after the
kind
that was born after my terrible sin.”

Ruth sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

Carolyn smiled. “You don’t have to be sorry. I love my son. He wasn’t planned, and being his
mamm
hasn’t been easy. But I love him with all my heart. I want to shield him from the shame I’ve had to bear all my life.”

“Is that why you never told me?” Ruth leaned back against the table in the middle of the room. “Were you afraid I would judge you?”

“No.” Carolyn frowned. “I don’t know. How can you not judge me? I don’t want our friendship to change.”

“Our friendship won’t change, Carolyn. You’ll always be
mei freind
. We all make mistakes. We’re all human. None of us are perfect in God’s sight.”

“I know, but people still treat me differently.
Mei dat
treats Benjamin like he’s his own
kind
, and people who don’t really know us think Ben is my nephew. But
mei dat
treats me differently. It’s as if he’ll never go back to seeing me as his
dochder
. I know he’s forgiven me, but I wonder if he’ll ever act like he’s truly forgiven me.”

She shook her head as her thoughts turned to her brother. “And then there’s Amos. He reminds me constantly of the mistake I made and the sacrifices my parents have made to raise Ben like their own. He’s pressuring me to get married so that my son is legitimized and has a full-time
dat
. I guess Amos thinks I need to move out so that my parents can enjoy their golden years together, alone. I pray constantly that Amos will forgive me.”

“But you are forgiven in God’s eyes.” Ruth squeezed Carolyn’s hands. “He has forgiven you already. He forgave you as soon as you asked him to.”

“
Danki
, Ruth.
Mei mamm
has said the same thing and tells me to keep praying for
mei dat
and Amos. I do pray for them, but I’m also aggravated. I know I made a mistake, but I want a normal life for my son. I dream at night that someday I’ll find the right man who will love both me and my son.” Carolyn sighed. “Amos wants to find me someone who will marry me as soon as possible. In fact, he’s found a widower who will accept me despite my past sin. He doesn’t understand that I don’t want a marriage of convenience. I want to marry for love. I want a man who will accept Ben and me and then build a family with us. I want a man to fall in love with me, not just see me as a decent wife and housekeeper.”

Ruth nodded. “You keep praying for that. You’ll find it.”

“
Danki
, but I don’t think I ever will. I’m certain God is punishing me for my past sin. I’m supposed to be alone.”

“No, that’s not true. Our God isn’t a vengeful God. He forgives you.”

“I’m not so sure about that. I also pray that Amos will see all the
gut
that came out of my sin. Ben is a
gut
bu
, but
mei bruder
doesn’t see that side of him. He only sees what he wants to see.
He believes his
buwe
are perfect, but they like to make trouble.” Carolyn shared the story of what happened at the auction.

When she finished the story, she reflected on Benjamin’s new job. “I think it will be
gut
for Ben to get away from his cousins. They like to get him in trouble at the farm. They play pranks and then tell their
dat
Ben did it. Amos always believes his sons before Ben.”

Ruth clicked her tongue and shook her head. “That’s a shame Amos and his sons treat Benjamin so badly. I’m sorry to hear that. But I think it’s a
gut
thing Ben is going to work for Joshua Glick. Joshua is a
gut
man.”

“You know him?”

“Oh,
ya
. He’s in my church district. You did know he’s Hannah’s former brother-in-law,
ya
?”

“Oh, that’s right.” Carolyn snapped her fingers. “I do remember that now that you mention it.”

“Joshua started the horse farm with his brother, Gideon, many years ago when Gideon and Hannah were first married. Gideon died of a heart attack seven years ago, and Joshua has kept the farm going. He seems abrasive at times, but he’s a very
gut
man. I think he’ll treat Benjamin well.”

“I hope so.”

“
Danki
for telling me the truth about Benjamin. I will guard your secret within my heart.” Ruth paused and touched Carolyn’s arm again. “Carolyn, I want to give you a little advice with Benjamin. I have a son who left the community many years ago. He also went to a former Amish settlement in Missouri.”

“
Ach
, Ruth.” Carolyn frowned as sympathetic tears drenched her eyes. “I had no idea.”

Ruth’s smile was once again sad. “Now we both have shared
a secret. I just wanted to warn you not to alienate Benjamin. If you do, he may leave, just like my Aaron did.”

“I would never alienate him. I’ve always been the best
mamm
I could to him. I’ve tried to make a
gut
life for him. That’s why I work here and save some of my money for him and for his future.”

“I know you want to be a
gut mamm
, but with the way your
dat
, your
bruder
, and your nephews treat him, he may feel different and alienated. Just promise me that you’ll be careful.” Ruth sniffed and wiped her eyes as tears trickled down her cheeks. “I don’t want you to lose your son like I lost mine. It’s been more than fifteen years, and I haven’t heard from him. I miss him every day. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

Carolyn considered her friend’s words. “
Danki
, Ruth.” Carolyn glanced at the clock above the door. “We’d better go. Gregg may come looking for us if we stay in here too long.” She started for the door and silently thanked God for Ruth’s wonderful friendship.

FIVE

C
arolyn stood at the kitchen sink at home and washed out a mixing bowl after putting a meat loaf in the oven. She spotted a horse and buggy moving up the rock driveway and dropped the bowl into the hot, sudsy water.

Carolyn turned toward her mother, who was setting the table. “Ben is home!” She wiped her hands on a dish towel and then grabbed her cloak from the peg by the back door. “I’m going to go see how his day was.” She rushed out of the house and met Benjamin at the barn.

She approached the buggy just as Benjamin climbed down. He was covered in mud from his neck to his boots, and he smelled like the inside of a barn in the middle of a sweltering summer day. His hands were nearly black with dirt and mud. He lifted his straw hat, and his sweaty blond hair was plastered to his head.

She gasped as she took in the sight of him. “You’re a mess!”

Benjamin grimaced. “I’m exhausted. I’ve never worked so hard in my life.”

Anger swelled inside Carolyn. “What did he have you doing?”

“Mucking out stalls.” Benjamin glanced down at his trousers. “Every muscle in my body hurts. He worked me like an indentured servant. I think I could lie down and sleep for a week.”

“Why would he do that on your first day?” Carolyn demanded. “That’s cruel!”

“Ben!” Her father grinned as he approached them. “You look like you’ve been dragged by your horse.”

“I feel like I have been,
Daadi
.”

Carolyn’s frustration surged as she studied her son. “Who does Joshua Glick think he is?”

“What do you mean?” her father asked.

“Why does he think he can work Ben so hard on his very first day?” She pointed at Benjamin. “He’s just a
bu
.”

“That was the deal, Carolyn. Ben’s repaying Joshua for hurting his horse.”

“No, this wasn’t part of the deal.” She pointed toward the buggy. “I’m going to go have a talk with him.”

“Don’t do that.” Benjamin’s eyes widened. “I can handle it. You don’t need to get involved.”

“
Ya
, I do need to get involved.” Carolyn nodded with emphasis. “I’m your
mamm
.”