A Part of Me (9 page)

Nick looked around and smiled. “Tonight's goal: make at least one person regret giving me their phone number.”  He grinned and we all shook our heads.  Some things never change.

“I’ll go grab us drinks.”  Nick stood up and walked to the bar.

“I’m so glad you came out Tom.”  Ava reached over and squeezed my hand.  Trevor nodded at me and smiled.  At least they were happy, even if I was a nervous wreck.

“I’m gonna hit the bathroom quick.  I’ll be right back.”  I stood up with my crutches as Trevor started to stand.

“Do you need help?”  He asked and I laughed.

“Shit Trevor, I’ve been potty trained since I was three.  I think I can manage.”  He looked embarrassed before laughing too and sitting back down.

I moved precariously through the crowd, trying to avoid some of the drunken madness.  When I made it to the bathroom, I was thankful that it was practically empty.  I did my business and washed my hands before splashing some cold water on my face. 
Shit Tom, get it together.

I hobbled out of the bathroom, sidestepping a couple making out against the wall and turned the corner, stopping in my tracks when I heard a gasp.

There she was, and damn it if she still didn’t look amazing.  Her long blonde hair hung is soft curls down her back and I couldn’t help but focus on her plump pink lips that hung slightly open.  She looked like she had lost weight that she didn’t have to lose, and I couldn’t help but notice the dark circles under her eyes that she had tried to cover with makeup.

“Tom?”  She closed her eyes and shook her head.  “I didn’t know you were coming out.”

I didn’t know what to say.  The way she looked at me tore me up.  I could see the hurt in her face, and I didn’t know how to make it right without throwing myself at her and begging for forgiveness. 

She misunderstood my silence and just nodded.  “Well, it was nice seeing you.”  She walked around me and into the bathroom before I let out a breath that I was unaware that I had been holding.

I felt the incredible urge to cry and I couldn’t let myself do that—not here, not like this.  I moved back through the crowd to the table and sat down.  I took a drink of my beer and thanked Nick for getting it. 

“You okay?”  Trevor asked, looking concerned.  See, that’s the problem with having people who know you too well.  You can’t hide anything from them,
ever.

“Talia’s here.” I tried to smile, but from the look on everyone’s face, it must have been a pretty pathetic attempt.

“Did you talk to her?”  Nick asked, sitting back and taking a drink of his beer.

“Uh, no.  She tried and I just stared at her like a fucking idiot.”  I shrugged.

“I don’t get it Tom.  If you are both so miserable without each other, why do this?”  Ava asked.

“She’s miserable?”  I felt like crap.  She was supposed to move on.

“Seriously?  Did you see her?  I mean really look at her Tom?  She is a complete mess.”  Ava sat back exasperated.

“Tom, are you going to tell us why you were so mean to her?”  Trevor asked and then put his hands up in surrender when I glared at him.  I didn’t want to go there right now.  I did what I had to do.    I loved her more than my next breath.  I wanted nothing more than for Talia to be happy, even if her happiness didn’t include me.

I took another drink and looked over to the dance floor, stopping immediately when I saw Talia dancing with a tall blonde guy who hand his damn hands on her hips.  “What the fuck?”  I was instantly pissed off.

Ava’s eyes followed mine.  “You don’t get to do that Tom.  You don’t get to be mad.  You let her go.”

I groaned. “Shit Ava, don’t you think I know that?”  Shaking my head.  “It doesn’t matter.  She hates me.”

“Hates you?  She is in love with you!”  Ava snapped.  “Seriously Tom, you have your whole life to be an asshole, are you trying to use it all up in one day?”  She excused herself and stopped off to the bathroom.

Wait.  Did she say Talia was in love with me?  
I couldn’t hold back my smile and then I felt like crap for being happy about that.  She deserved more than a broken man who couldn’t give her everything she needed.

“Yes dipshit, in love with you.”  Trevor nodded, reading my thoughts. 

How did I miss all of this?  I stood up.  I needed to try to talk to Talia.  I didn’t want her to hurt anymore.  Maybe if I could just convince her that I wasn’t the right man for her.  I moved to the edge of the dance floor, standing there until I caught her eye.  She said something to the guy who was pawing all over her and stepped toward me.

“Did you need something?”  Her stance was determined, but her voice wavered, betraying her.

“Listen Talia, I don’t like how I left things.  I didn’t mean to upset you, but I just didn’t think you should be wasting anymore of your time with me.  I’m trying to get everything figured out and I can’t have any distractions.”  Shit.  That didn’t come out right at all.

She scoffed. “Distractions huh?  Okay Tom.  No problem.  You made that perfectly clear the last time I saw you.  Why the need for a public repeat?”  She put her hands on her hips.  I couldn’t help but smile a little.  She was too damn cute when she was angry.

“Please don’t be mad Talia.  I don’t know how to do this and I’m screwing it up every time I see you.”  I ran my hand through my hair.

“Here's a shocker for you Tom, when you treat people like shit, they tend to get mad. Amazing, huh?”  She turned and started to move away from me.

“Talia wait.”  I pleaded.  She stopped but didn’t turn around.

“I’m screwed up.”  I whispered.  She finally turned and looked at me, her features softening.

“Why?”  Her voice sounded so small.  “Why can’t you see that I care about you?  Why are you doing this?”  She walked up to me, stopping right in front of me, so close that I could smell her raspberry and vanilla shampoo.  I felt the warmth of her breath on my face and it did strange things to my insides.  She reached up, holding my face in her hands, and I couldn’t look away, even if I wanted to.  “I know you care for me Tom.  I could feel it every time we touched.  Every time we kissed.  Why are you pushing me away?”  I could see the tears welling up in her eyes and before I could over think it, I reached out and wrapped her up in my arms, as best as I could while leaning on my crutches.  She pressed her face against my chest and I could feel the wetness from her tears. 

I kissed the top of her head.  “I’m sorry Talia.  I do care—more than you know, but I can’t do this.”  I felt her tense in my arms before she pulled away and looked me in the eyes; her blue eyes looked dark and haunted as they looked straight through to my soul.  She swallowed and then nodded.  “Goodbye Tom.”  And just like that, she walked out of my life again, only this time it hurt much worse than I could’ve imagined.

Chapter 15

Talia

“Can you believe that the wedding is less than a month away?”  I looked at Ava from across the table where we were having a light lunch after picking up my dress.  Ava had opted for a color scheme of silver and green.  The silver was something she had always envisioned and the green, well that was motivated by purely physical reasons.  Her reasoning was that it was the same color as Trevor’s eyes.  
Gag!

My dress was gorgeous!  It was silver silk-chiffon and had a side-swept strapless bodice that hung to my curves like a second skin.  The skirt was shorter in the front and floor length in the back and just flowed.  I loved it and couldn’t have chosen a better dress for myself.  It was going to look just as great on Chelsea too with her beautiful red hair.

Ava and Trevor were the epitome of a sweet couple.  I could swear I was going to get a cavity every time I was around them, they were that sweet.

It had been almost two months since my run in with Tom, but I still felt the hole in my heart every time I thought about him.  I didn’t know what to do.  The last time we talked at the club, he had looked so lost.  I knew that if I pushed him, he would pull back further, and I didn’t want to do that to him.  After everything was said and done, I was still in love with the man, and I would rather hurt than add to his.

I never asked Ava, Trevor or Nick about him, but I knew they all saw him regularly.  They had been very good about keeping us apart, knowing that it was too hurtful right now to be around each other. 

I knew that wouldn’t last with the wedding coming up.  Not only were we both in the wedding party, but Tom and I would be paired up.  Ava apologized, but she said that we all matched up better that way because Chelsea was tall and Nick was taller than Tom, but not by much.  Whatever.  It was their wedding and I wasn’t going to rock the boat over details.  I told Ava just to tell me what to do and I would do it. 

“I know.  I can hardly wait to become Mrs. Trevor Dawson.”  Ava put her chin on her hands and made a dreamy face like the love sick fool she was.

We finished with our lunch and headed back.  I was pulling a shift tonight and needed to take a nap before I headed in. 

Ava pulled up outside of my building and gave me a quick hug before heading back to work.  The clouds were rolling in and the sky was getting darker.  I looked up and a chill ran down my spine. 

The day was reminiscent of the day that tom had his accident.  It seemed like it was so long ago rather than just a few months.  I still had flashbacks of how he looked when they brought him in.  I still went through the entire trauma, almost critiquing our every move.  I still beat myself up for not recognizing him, and ultimately, I still was having a hard time living without him in my life.

Thoughts of Tom still brought a physical ache in my chest.  I missed him.

I shook the thoughts out of my head and walked into my building for a much needed rest.

***

“Talia?”  I turned around and saw Dr. Connor standing there with his tray and a smile.  I was in line at the cafeteria grabbing a quick sandwich while we were a little slow.  When you work in the medical field, you eat when you can or you don’t eat at all.

“Hi Dr. Connor.  How are you?”  I stepped up to pay for my food and then walked over to where he stood. 

“I’m good Talia.  Do you have time to sit?”  His smile was so genuine and welcoming that I always had felt so comfortable around him.

“Sure.”  I followed him to a square table and sat my tray down.  He was studying me and I finally raised my eyebrows at him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”  He asked and I wondered how he could know something was wrong.  Was I that transparent?

“What do you mean?”  I questioned and he just smiled gently at me again.

“Well, I’ve known you for awhile Talia, and the fire that was always in you seems to be gone these days.  How’s your friend?”  He asked and I couldn’t look at him.  I knew my face betrayed me.

“I don’t know.”  I whispered and shrugged my shoulders, fighting back the tears.

“What happened?” He was being so gentle with me, almost like I would break at any moment.  Hell, I probably would.

I told him about my time with Tom before the accident and how much fun we had together.  I explained the guilt and sadness I still felt from when they brought him in, and then I told him about the time we spent while I was taking care of him.  I even told him about kissing him, leaving out the sordid details, but when I got to the last day, the one where I had left, I couldn’t control my tears anymore.

“I’m really sorry Dr. Connor.  I’m a mess right now.”  I told him what Tom had said to me that day and how hurt and destroyed I felt.  At his urging, I finally told him about the last time I’d seen him at the club, and how sad and broken he looked.  I was so lost, like a part of me had been ripped out of my heart, and I didn’t know how to pick myself back up.

“Talia, I’m sorry you’re hurting right now.  Sometimes there isn’t an easy way out of a problem, but from what you’ve shared with me just now, I think it’s pretty safe to say that you love this man, even after everything.”  I nodded.  I did love Tom.

“Love is irrational, but so is pain.  I imagine Tom is hurting just as much as you right now.  Sometimes the people you would take a bullet for are the ones pulling the trigger.”  He sighed and then smiled back at me.  “Sometimes we push away the ones we love and need the most because we think it’s best for them.  Maybe Tom feels like he’s a burden and doesn’t want to tie you down.” 
Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way
.

“Why don’t you tell him how you feel?  Just lay it all out there.  If he doesn’t return your feelings, then you’ll have that closure and be able to move on.”  Dr. Connor reached out and squeezed my hand before excusing himself.

I sat there with my uneaten sandwich for the next fifteen minutes until my pager went off.  I had no idea what to do next.  Maybe Dr. Conner was right.  Maybe I needed to tell Tom how I felt.  I guess I hadn’t realized that I never put that out there.

They always say that actions speak louder than words, but I guess sometime the words are just as necessary.

I stood up and pushed in my chair before setting my tray on the garbage can.  I wrapped my sandwich back up in the plastic wrap and brought it with me.  I would have to save it for later.  My life seemed full of missed opportunities lately.

Chapter16

Tom

“How does that feel?”  James asked as he watched me stand.  James was a prosthetist that I had been working with over the last few weeks to be fitted with my new prosthesis.  I had been wearing a temporary prosthesis whenever I was alone to get used to it, but continued to use my crutches out in public.  I wasn’t quite comfortable with using it yet.  I wanted to make sure it felt perfect before…

“Tom?”  James was waiting for me to try it out. 

“Oh, sorry.”  I took several steps, marveling at the difference from the temporary one.  This felt so sturdy and the fit was much for comfortable.  “It’s good.”  I grinned.

“Great!  If you decide you need some adjustments or anything after you wear it awhile, just call.”  James packed up his things before turning back to face me.  “Tom, these are only the first steps and stepping out of your comfort zone isn’t easy, but it is one of the most important steps you’ll take.  You don’t always need a chance at a new beginning.  Sometimes you just need a chance at a different ending.”  He smacked me on the back and winked as he let himself out.